Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

I have no idea what the weigh in this morning is. But yesterday it was like... 346.8. Back up the 2 point whatever pounds that I lost.

I am not going to beat myself up over this. I'm maintaining. I'm also working 7 days a week at jobs that keep me on my ass 8 hours a day. I'm combatting this by taking my 15 minute breaks in motion. Walks around the buildings and grounds.

Mister has dropped me off 2 miles from home so I could get some walking in. Worked just great. Depsite my ambition to do it again, I got swamped with end of month billing for the 3rd job that I work after I get home from my 9-5 job Monday - Friday.

I am feeling older than ever. Fatter than ever (even though this is not my heaviest). Weaker than ever.

Thursday I have an EKG. Thursday I find out if I'm a good candidate for those appetite suppressants. Which I'm now fervently in favor of... all this working and stress has me just itching for something to munch on. We'll see if they agree with me.

It also means for the first time in 2 weeks I'm not working a full shift... It's almost like a mini vacation... one where they put stickers on you and afterwards you get to stop by the Dr. office and pick up your prescription for little pills that will help you shed that first 30lbs. PLEASE. I would love to do that while I'm working.

I just need to feel like I'm succeeding at one thing. Just one thing. Please. I feel like I'm cheating, but I need a tiny victory to keep me going. Just the tiniest victory.

This week, I promise to...
- Drink 2 nalgene bottles a day (I've been so good at this).
- Walk home from work 3-4 times.
- Pack lunch the night before to avoid last minute bad decisions.
- Get the EKG.
- Just track calories. Just track them. stop trying to meet or beat a number. Just write down what goes in your mouth. It worked last time. It'll work again.
- Update my blog on Saturday/Sunday when I have time at my really slow job.

Big Fat Love,
Nanette N.

Phentermine

So my lovely Dr. has recommended that I try an appetite suppressant before we go as far as getting lapband. She would like to put me on Phentermine.

I've been reading up on it. Mostly people have a good success rate. Typically 30lbs lost per person. Sometimes it's over 3 months, sometimes it's over 6 months. It seems to taper. So the first month you may lose 15lbs, but the following months you may only lose 5 -10.

I would love to see that 30lbs gone. I'm skeptical of the drug. It may help with some of the hunger feelings. But it probably won't deter emotional eating... or maybe it will?

Side effects are raised blood pressure, headaches, nausea, false sense of well being.

I have a very healthy heart. Kinda low blood pressure. My cholesterols are typically just a touch under, Both HDL and LDL. However, Dr. has recommended I go in for an EKG. Since the Oregon move, I'm uninsured. After playing with the numbers and getting a quote of service. It'll be $230 roughly. It's still going to be cheaper to just pay out of pocket since I would have to pay $130 monthly for insurance and meet a $750 deductible before everything resets in JANUARY in order to see any sort of contribution from the insurance company.

Mister and I are looking at the budget. I can probably go in for the EKG in a couple weeks - money permitting. And we'll start this next phase of weight loss kick off.

I still need to take some unflattering before pictures. That is my favorite thing... to watch body changes and how clothing fits differently, how the body re-postures itself. It's just amazing. Gotta get on this!

BIg Fat Love,
N

24/7 update

So I haven't been logging food for the past week.

I haven't been exercising.

I have been packing a lunch every day and trying to keep it reasonable.

• 2 cups of chili + snacks (veggie sticks and apples).
• Soup with rice + snacks (banana chips and celery w/ peanut butter).
• PB & J + a fig bar.

Dinners have been a little wild. Which I am interpreting as a reaction to my stress.

• Burgerville Salmon Salad (drool) + green bean fries.
• Fishsticks + Salad
• 2 slices of pizza and a pork taco
• Pad thai

Mostly, it's been the snacking that's been killing me this week.

• Dark Chocolate.
• Cottage cheese.
• Slices of cheese.
• Pears.
• Nectarines.
• Coffee (at work) with creamer and sugar.

This morning I weighed in at 344.6... Up 1.6lbs. I can turn that around before the Monday/Tuesday weigh in.

I'm pretty sure that my work stress in conjunction with eating sugar that I haven't allowed myself for weeks... both of those are fueling this binge-like eating. I've asked Will to take over making dinner. I can watch my food choices decline by the end of the day. Not having to make dinner decisions SHOULD help.

This week I commit to...

• 3 nalgene bottles of water a day (96 oz).  
• 3 - 30 minute walks (slow pace, ankle is still having issues).
• Tracking Food.
• Creating a weight lifting routine.

Weigh In

Ta-Da!!!

Weight: 343 (-3lbs) Lowest in MONTHS. 

I was super happy to see that number this morning. It was after I ate breakfast and everything. Not even a post-poop, pre-dressing, pre-eating weigh in!

Life
Overall, things are good still. I wound up getting yet another job and now I'm working 7 days a week for the next 3 months. I anticipate some hardship, but I also anticipate that the structure will help me get into the groove and help me settle in.

To prepare for excessive working I have...
- Purchased pyrex tupperware for meal transport.
- Ironed and paired 10 outfits together.
- Created a calendar to help Mister remember what needs to be done around the house and when.
- Planned 10 days of breakfast/lunches.

My hope is to make every day very simple. Just wake up, put on the clothes, eat and pack the foods, go to work and come home, prep for the next day and enjoy 4 hours with my dearest. Fewer choices. More consistency. Structure.

I even got a Doc visit in today. I got the birth control renewed and she is thinking about putting me on an appetite suppressant before she recommends lap band. She wants me to try Phentermine. I need to schedule (and pay out of pocket for) an ECG/EKG. I don't know how much that will run me, but it may be a deal breaker. I'm not insured anymore since the move.

I've been working with a state agent on getting insurance and it turns out that I'm just going to be paying to pay. Since most plans don't pay out until after the $750 deductible has been met, I would wind up paying for most of these services out of pocket ON TOP of paying the monthly premium. Or I could just limit my use of health services until next year when it can actually be beneficial.

Big Fat Love,
Nanette

Much better day...

Today we went to the car dealership to get Mister's car serviced. We went on a walk/hobble and took in the sunshine. Split and entree at the mexican restaurant. It was a lovely time all the way around.

Then I came home to settle into talking to mean people who won't pay their bills. Everyone was happy! Everyone paid their bills! They were just double checking the itemization. I can handle that. I love it when people are kind and responsible.

It has just been sunny and lovely all the way around.

Food has been okay. I'm too high in carbs and fats. It's the tortillas - which Mister and I agreed, we are not buying them again.

Most of all, I am so happy that I got out and about today. I have felt too cooped up these past few weeks, especially with this ankle. I met with an insurance dude today to help me with the market sign up thing and I may have insurance soon so I can get some x-rays taken and make sure it's not a break. My interwebs research say a bad sprain can take 4-6 weeks to heal. A mild sprain can take up to 2 weeks. It will be 2 weeks this Friday. No reason to panic. It will all be fine. :)

Big Fat Love,
Nanette

Prove it!

I am employed!

Radio Silence

Hey there again.

Been tracking. Also been over-eating by 100 - 300 calories per day. And that is amazingly low for how much stuff is going on with life lately.

I had another emotional crash this week. The job I was holding out so much hope for (they basically told me I had the job), didn't come through. I was SO upset about it. I had made income projections with Mister. We had made three game plans - The new doc + old doc, the new doc + old doc + car dealership, and JUST old doc.

Comparing the plans made it pretty obvious that we are going to burn through savings pretty quick if I didn't get the new doc job. So I felt devastated. Mister is relying on me to help finance both of us. He is doing his thing, but it's the kind of business where we won't see return for about 3 - 4 months and even then, it's just return, It will probably be a year before we start seeing profits. Which KILLS ME.

THURSDAY
The email breaking the bad news came in while we were in the car on the way to go take a drug test for another job. Then insert the panic of will I pass the drug test. Let's just say there was a pretty delicious brownie at my going away party about a month ago that was consumed by me without knowing HOW delicious and magical that brownie was beforehand.

Pee in cup.

On the way home, I cried a little. Expressed my want to eat the entire world to Mister. We went through the cravings food by food. He said "Let's get home and then decide."

I got home and just wanted to collapse, go numb, watch netflix and sleep the rest of the day away just to get away from the disappointment. That's how securely I felt I had that job. And that's how severely I am pressuring myself to get us financially stable/independent.

I gave Mister the power of food choices after I got a good bit of pouting out. I told him he was in charge of food decisions for the rest of the day. He willingly accepted that.

We skipped lunch because I refused to stop applying for jobs long enough to talk to him, let alone eat. I sent out 18 applications - Target, Harbor Freight, Craigslist postings.

Eventually I got an email from the temp agency. They had an interview for me the next morning. It was a ray of light amid the depressing overcast of the day.

Will ordered us a pizza that night. It was the compromise. It was an emotional food, but less calorically damaging than all of the other things I had asked for. I wound up being 300-ish over the daily amount.

FRIDAY
I went to the interview. Rocked it.

When I finished, I had a voicemail from another job application asking me to come in for an interview - Grow Med Spa... A marijuana dispensary? I tried googling it and there was nothing with that name.

I called them back. "ProMed Spa how may I help you?" Ohhh... PRO med spa.. this is sounding more like a doctor's office. That makes sense. I googled it, still nothing. I googled the address... Pearl Med Spa - one of those clinics that specializes in plastic surgery, hair removal and skin treatments.

Awesome.

They booked me for an interview that afternoon. Now let me just break this down for you... I'm a pretty natural girl. I shave my legs when I want to, I wear makeup when the occasion calls for it, I'm not afraid of "fine lines and wrinkles." I don't think that beauty is looking a certain way. Beauty is eminating acceptance and celebration of ones body and self.

So basically, I'm the PERFECT candidate for a cosmetic surgery center. HA.

I went in for the interview. The women behind the desk were 40 year olds with the faces of 30 year olds (you can tell by the hands). I instantly knew I didn't have the job.  I sat in the waiting room, listening to the conversations with patients.

"Of course you're going to need it for your neck and chest now too, I mean, we want them to match your face, right?"

"I see that it's time to do the *insert frenchy word* for the skin around the eyes."

 

The interviewer was Joan Rivers 3 face lifts ago, cheek implants, nose job, I mean, the work was kind of obvious and looks like it's been done more than once.

All I could think was "CONNIE AND CARLA!" One of my favorite movies ever. It is SO campy. They are hiding from a hitman as women dressed as men dressed as women (lady drag queens) and do fun little musical comedy shows. "Ladies, let your face wrinkle, let your skin crinkle. Your lines show that you've lived and if he doesn't love you when your face looks like a map, tell him to HIT THE ROAD!"

 

Girls, You are beautiful. You are a testiment of your life. I advocate nothing besides embracing yourself and doing what makes you feel best. Please don't tell yourself you will finally be beautiful "If only.." You are beautiful NOW. Take a second. Look in a mirror and stay there until your nasty "improvement" thoughts stop and you can accept yourself in whatever state you are already in.

 

Embrace the curves. Embrace the skin. Embrace the hair. Embrace those things that make you different, unconventional.

 

I wish I had my thoughts more put together for that interview... or just walked out. I have a visceral response to the message they send to their clients. It is the opposite of what we are trying to do here.

 

I got another voicemail while I was sitting there with Joan... I got the job at the Chevrolet dealer. No worries about the going away party treat and a slight respite from the pressure of making more money. It is EXTREMELY part-time. 16.5 hours per week at $10 per hour. But it is something.

 

Now I can stop feeling so frenetic and focus more. Start structuring life around the hours I work. Start talking to people and getting that social release.

 

I am getting antsy to have this ankle heal. In the past 2 days I have had the want to just RUN. I wish I could just RUN... like... go for an interval run or something to help me cope with all this build up, release the anxiety. I am feeling weak and old. I am ready to turn that around.

 

This week the goal is to get health insurance and schedule a doctor's visit to get this ankle looked at to make sure it's just a sprain.

 

If you read this far... I'm impressed. You deserve a cookie and a pat on the back. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

 

Big Fat Love,

Nanette

 

 

 

 

Brain Droppings

Hey there.  

There's a lot knocking around the ol' noggin today. I'm hoping to get some of it out.

I hate my job. I work as a billing assistant remotely and have been doing it for approximately 3 weeks. Prior to that I was working as the admin assistant for the dentist that I'm now doing the billing for.

It is absolutely disheartening to have people complain about their bills and try to rework the numbers so that we owe THEM money instead of simply paying for the service they received. I'm working on a case right now that just reading his email has made my blood boil. I am dealing with this kind of shit from people every day. It's not really limited to a time of day though I like to tell myself it's from 2 - 5 Mon - Fri with all the flexibility I could want.

But then I get a call through the google voice number (that I forgot to put on Do Not Disturb) at 5am (I'm on the PST they are EST, so they think it's normal 8:00am). Just to get people BITCHING about their bills. I liked being an admin. I could help people make appointments, welcome them to the office, enjoy the pleasantness of the patients when they are being civil - then contact them when the bill isn't right and they remember I'm a person not just an automaton who wants their money.

Now... I am just dealing with whiners and men who are trying to push me around on the phone. No, sir. You are wrong, you owe us $500. Here is an itemization and the responses from your insurance company. You can pay it, or not. Whatever you choose. But ultimately - yes, you have received the services, please pay for them like a decent human being.

I feel like New York has followed me because of this job. This constant assholery and sense of deserving...   piled on top of not abiding by contracts.

My old landlord is trying to get out of paying the tenants of the last apartment the last month rent and deposit we paid. I paid my rent on time. I was nice to her family who lived beneath us. I kept the house nice and reported any damages... the reports went neglected, but it was no skin off my back. More than half the contract I was staying at the boyfriend's house anyway. I kept my end of the bargain, Can you?

Dr. Dentist kept her end of the bargain... and the patients aren't paying. I have done my best to collect, I've held up my end of the bargain and she hasn't paid me for last month's collections (due on the 2nd as per contract). So hurrah... now she's not paying.

In no way has my faith in humanity been reinforced by my experiences in NY. No offense to the New Yorkers out there. On an individual and non-professional basis, everyone is absolutely lovely. But I can't believe how that city brings out the dick in everyone. I was meaner, less patient, less happy.

I typed up my resignation for the dental billing job. It's just sitting on the desktop of my computer. It gives me enough patience to get through today. This week. Just get that other dentist job out here... just make enough to quit that job.

I may not be making millions but I get to have a clean slate. I may be really stretching from payday to payday. But it is so much easier to work with myself on a budget than these debtors on their accounts.

So... looking forward to the end of the week. I hope to hear great things from the dental office. I hope they sweep me up in their amazing atmosphere and working team environment and nurture me back to optimism.

Big Fat Love,
N

Three Things...

Number One... 

I'm not dead. I am still plugging along but have been a little negligent of blogging. My computer is back and functioning. The hard drive just took a nap and needed a nice little replacement (thank you applecare warrantee). And, still suffering from the stupid berry picking sprain, I have been dormant and going stir crazy. But managed to not eat everything in sight.

Number Two... 

I am still on track... Tracking all food, every day.

Number Three... 

Official Weekly Weigh In

346.0 (-.6)lbs.

Yeah, not even a full pound. But it's not a gain, it's a success, no matter how small. Plus, let's talk about how just counting calories, not even restricting myself, I was able to see a lower number.

This Week's Goals... 

• Hear back from the dentist so I can work for them. 
• Pee in a cup so I can work for the car dealership in case the dentist doesn't call. 
• Take some very unflattering fat before photos 
• Count calories and STAY UNDER 1980 per day. (switch it up, Nanette, log the calories BEFORE you eat them). 
• Heal this damn foot so I can get walking around again. 
• Stay happy with the mister by being more thoughtful 

Big Fat Love, 

Nanette