On The Town

I hit the town with Mom and Aunt today. We did the Saturday market thing. Which means I got a BUNCH of walking in. About 6 hours worth of walking around.

Food log...

Breakfast: AH! Running late! none.
Lunch: Philly Cheese Steak 6" sandwich + home potatoes.
Snack: Blue star doughnuts x 2.
Dinner: Cheeseburger.

Caloric intake: bazillion.
Activity: yes.

Tomorrow's plan.

Breakfast: Cereal.
Lunch: Asian style lemon chicken + rice.
Dinner: Tuna Melt + salad
After dinner: mango or something.

Scale today said 358.8... seeing it going down! Just a little. Let's hope today didn't put it back up.

Big Fat Love,
Nanette

Getting into the spirit of things.

I am getting back into reading the fat blogs. It's amazing how powerful some writers are. People that can really capture the essence of the struggle. And sometimes there are those less eloquent with words but absolutely raw with honesty. That too is incredibly admirable.

I'm still concentrating on portions and food...

Yesterday...
Breakfast: skipped - multivitamin.
Midmorning: Coffee with 1 creamer - no sugar.
Lunch: 1/2 cup spicy sausage jambalaya & a nice salad.
Dinner: An incredibly large portion of pasta and chunky veggie red sauce (homemade - no added sugar).
After dinner: a little sundae from our favorite drive thru place.

Today...
Breakfast: bowl of raisin bran (favorite!)
Lunch: a spoonful of salmon cream cheese and a coffee with 2 creamers.
Dinner: TBD... Mom is still in town and I'm supposed to meet up with my brother. We're all having dinner together tonight.

Assessment: Still having problems with portion control, mostly due to the large spans of foodless time leaving me grumpy and hungry then I fall face first into anything edible and don't stop until it hurts.

Goal: Not eat everything on my plate tonight. Either bring something home or throw at least a bite away.

It's going to be a weird dinner. My brother and my boyfriend are at odds because during a business transaction, brother repeatedly tried to rip us off. He successfully did so a couple of times and then we started putting him in place. Since then, we have silently cut him out of the business plan and have taken up with his competitor. Sooo... we'll see how this goes. Let's not eat our feelings, shall we?

Big fat familial love,
Nanette

P.s. took the bus home today... which means I also got a mile of walking in! Hurrah teensy bit of activity.

Catch up and the Battle Plan.

Well, I didn't get the blogs in but I've been thinking about what to write pretty much every day.

Monday - I did great 

Breakfast: Mango

Lunch: Tuna salad + pretzel bites. 

Afternoon energy dip: Cherry tomatoes. 

Wind up staying late at work... 

Coffee + creamer - no sugar though! 

Dinner: Get home after 14 hours, start eating a pretzel bun, Mister takes it out of my hands and puts a salad together. I was so angry I just went straight to bed without eating. It was 9pm and I had to be up at 5:30am for the next day anyway. 

Tuesday - I was still pissed off about Will trying to make a decision for me. 

Breakfast: Multivitamin. 

Lunch: Jimmy Johns - turkey BLT. 

Dinner: Pretzel bun w/salmon cream cheese. 

Which I mean... not the best decision to skip breakfast. And not a lot of veggies, but the calories were under control. 

Today my mom is flying in and will be here for a week. Our relationship is not always the most easy. I find communicating and connecting with her very frustrating. I'm a daddy's girl. But years and distance have made the relationship better. I disappointed her by leaving mormonism - the religion I was raised in. That being said, she is going to have a lot to digest when she gets here. I'm living with my boyfriend. One bed in the house, can't even keep up appearances with a second bedroom. I've been very honest with her about him though. She knows we're grown ups... and you know... SShhhhh SEX... But that won't prevent the "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed" vibe of the whole visit. 

All that being said, I'm determined to impress her with how much more domesticated I've become since I moved away after college. And I'm determined not to eat my frustration. 

Today's food plan (non working day). 

Breakfast: Papaya + some chocolate chips. 

Lunch: Egg salad sandwich. 

Dinner: Spicy sausage jambalaya. 

After dinner: Papaya/Mango Granita (slushy fruit drink with lime juice - no additional sugar added). 

Tomorrow (working day). 

Breakfast: Left over granita? Mango? egg salad? 

Lunch: Tuna salad + grape tomatoes. 

Dinner: Cantaloupe/feta/mint/fennel salad with lemon vinaigrette & anchovy-veggie pasta (broke person food!) 

After dinner: cottage cheese

Friday (payday/working day). 

Breakfast: Greek yogurt. 

Lunch: leftover salad (hopefully) if not make a new one. 

Dinner: Go out with mom and aunt.  

After dinner: I know I'll want ice cream. I need to find something else, maybe a smoothie or something. 

Okay...   so I've got a plan of action. I've sat down and thought it out. I have made my decisions beforehand. That should make it easier. Forethought and planning is the best weapon in the fat battle, right? 

Also - For history and future comparison - The fat photos. I will keep my personal commentary on these to myself since it's mostly comparisons to the the photos near the end of my last loss. Emotions and thoughts aside...

This is my starting point... 363.3lbs on a 5'10" frame.

Big Fat Love, 

Nanette

Ker-Thud

That's the sound of me falling on my face.

Lesson served and learned. Moved to Oregon. Between medicinal marijuana and recreational, let's just say I had a brownie that wouldn't stop yesterday. The munchies were strong with this one. This is not a habitual thing. It was a bit more celebratory that I'm out of the terrible work environment and I was with good friends.

That's all well and good until you eat dinner 3 times. I guess it was more like late lunch, early dinner, then early midnight snack. No matter how you split it, the news was not good. BINGE.

I'm not proud. As a matter of fact, I was in the sourest of moods today and I'm pretty sure it's because of my guilt and disappointment in my choices. But I haven't been a good enough sport to fess up.

Today went a little better.

I only ate dinner once.

Breakfast: Cereal w/ Milk (carbs + protein+fat).
Snack: chocolate chips (carbs)
Lunch: left over pasta from last night. (carbs, protein, fat, cooked veggies).
Dinner: burger (carbs, protein, fat, teeensy amount of veggies).
After dinner: pretzel bun with cream cheese. (carbs, fat, protein).

Okay so diet land... I know that none of that sounds good. Or even something worth bragging about. But I gotta say, that it's a step in the right direction. That is how out of control I've been lately. That last 10lbs climbed on in the past month or two. So it's time to lasso it in. Smaller portions spaced more evenly throughout the day.

Envisioning how I'd like tomorrow to go...
Breakfast: Fresh mango.
Midmorning: NO COFFEE, Water if energy dips.
Lunch: Tuna salad and a pretzel bun (I made some pretty intense pretzel buns tonight).
Afternoon: cherry tomatoes + chopped cucumber.
Dinner: Cantaloupe + fennel bulb + mint + feta + lemon vinaigrette & chicken breast.
After dinner: Papaya grenata.
And walk a mile.

I know that fruit is still sugar.. SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR. What I'm walking away from is CANDY. Trying to avoid the chocolate, the coke, the cake, the cookies, the CRAP. Small steps. Also trying to cut back on coffee (and the creamers). I don't think I'd drink it black... so just nix it altogether.

OH! And yesterday I got a 2.5 mile walk in prior to eat-fest 2015.

So that's it. I'm anxious to compare this to next weekend. Make sure I do better than myself.

XO,
N

Confessions of a 3 year regain.

It's May.

I started losing weight 4 years ago in May.

I started my regain about 3 years ago in May.

And here we are.

My highest documented weight was 368lbs.
My lowest documented weight was 298lbs.
A 70lb loss.

Yesterday's weigh in was 360. It has taken me 3 years to gain back that 68lbs. In a certain light, I sorta feel proud that it took that long, I mean in old days I could have put that on in a handful of months. On the other hand, I worked so hard to drop that weight. I felt so good about it. My lifestyle seemed pretty set. It wasn't just a fad diet, or a yo-yo. It was a full year of successful loss, making consistently good choices.

I maintained 320-330lbs for the past year or so. But this winter was brutal emotionally. I ate  my way through it and in the past 3 months I have gained 30lbs. I have to put a stop to it.

I need to take a moment and reassess what I'm doing to my body and take into account what my actions are doing to my emotional state (aggravating it - of course).

Over the past 3 years I can pinpoint the gains around events.
- mono, bedridden, eating ice cream to soothe the swelling and necrosis of tonsil tissue. Reintroducing sugar addiction into my diet. (first 10lbs gain).
- Starting to date a man that I felt I needed to "cook" for - aka: ordering in frequently to spoil him. That pressure only came from within though. (probably a good 30lbs over time).
- Working for a nutritionist who was not about nutrition, but money making - shaking my faith in what people call healthy. (10lbs)
- Moving away from NYC where walking becomes much less common place. (15lbs).
- Working for a car dealership that made me go out of my skull with anger/paranoia/depression. (15lbs).

What I am finding most difficult to get over is that I'm a statistic. Yup. I thought I'd be above that. Well, Ego, Swallow the bitter pill of Get-Over-Yourself. I am part of the 80% of dieters who re-gain after a significant loss. I haven't regained more than the original loss, my last thread of pride, but I'm only 8lbs away from that so... Let's just say I don't have that thread either. It may be better to let go of all success and start fresh.

I make lists of behaviors I want to change, but I haven't been flexing willpower to change anything. Like about 50% of americans out there, I am paying for a membership to a facility that I haven't used for over 2 months. I have abandoned diet plans. I have 3 calorie & activity trackers on my phone collecting digital dust.

So what am I going to do about it?

Let's start by being honest.

Weight: 360lbs
Shirt size: 5x
Pant size: 26-28
Emotional wellbeing: Shaky at best, stubborn, prone to outbursts.
Mental wellbeing: lazy and distracted.
Physical wellbeing: bum right ankle (think I broke it when I moved here and didn't see a doc), tired joints, fatigue after roughly a mile and a half of walking, knees aren't feeling too great - avoiding squats and lunges. Shoulders have also been experiencing weakness. Suspect body is falling apart due to weight and starting to feel the effects of aging with faaaat.

Do I want to lose weight?  Yes.
Enough to change my lifestyle completely? Yes.
Enough to change my lifestyle and patterns with my beau? Yes.
Enough to leave him behind (not break up) and get out and do this myself? Yes.

Where to start - Assessment. 

Day in the life of my stomach...
AM - Water, multivitamin.
AM - Coffee - two creamers, McD's sausage egg McMuffin (how lost have I become?!)
Noon - Water 2x & left overs (pasta 2x this week, sandwich 1x, chips and salsa/hummus 1x).
Afternoon - Can of coke/coffee two creamers.
Evening - enormous helpings of whatever is made - pasta, frittata, cake, salmon cream cheese.
Later evening - something sweet, usually ice cream, or slurpee, or a handful of chocolate chips.
Rinse, repeat.

Okay. So things we all know. 80% of the battle is diet. 20% is activity. You can't out run a bad diet.

My first goal is to check in on this blog once a day. Report the eatings and movings. I make no other promises at this point. But I need to accomplish this one small thing and show myself I can make this promise to myself and keep it. I'm building rapport and trust with myself. 

Eventually I'd like to get to goals like - track calories on myfitnesspal every day. Eat under a certain amount. Get 30 min of activity in every day. Start weight training again. Drink more water. Cut out sweets, no sugar, low carb, high protein. I mean, mentally, I know all the things that work, but habit building is going to be key here. So let's start with a small success. Blogging every day. Refocusing my mind on healthful living by talking about it more often. Bringing it to the forefront. It's been buried by relationship issues, finances, moving across the country 2x, etc etc, DISTRACTIONS.

So that's it for today. More tomorrow.

XO,
N

Phentermine 2

Documenting my use of Phentermine...

The first two days I used it, I was flush. Very hot. Very energetic. Very motivated to just do whatever task at hand instead of procrastinate (which is my norm).

The first week I had problems sleeping. I was tossing and turning. I was having weird nightmares.

I didn't feel jittery or amp'd up. I just felt energized... like I was 40lbs ago.

It did incredible things for my focus at work. I would start a project and just work and work without mental fatigue. I was not clock watching, I was not even tempted to check my email, phone, screw around. I just wanted to dig through the task at hand.

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I am on the 3rd week now. I forgot to take it for two days. I didn't experience any nasty backlash. I was just really tired. I didn't experience intense cravings. I feel less dire about the need to have dinner RIGHT NOW when I get home from work.

It hasn't done much to tame the hunger beast, I don't think. Which means I am probably fighting more of a mental battle than a physical one. I have lost a little bit of weight... But I am skeptical if it was the medication at all. I went from 345 - 341 (at my lowest) - but I am still floating around 342/343lbs. So, not a huge difference there.

However, "successful if paired with proper diet and exercise." I haven't really restricted myself much other than the fact I'm working most of the day which doesn't lead to much eating time. And I haven't been getting much more activity in because well, mostly because I haven't wanted to and partially because I have been working 12 hour days (training for the new position).

But things are looking up! I am working only one job starting next week. Only 5 days/40 hours a week! I will be doing the normal 8 - 5pm work grind and I will be a much happier camper.

I have been having some intense mood fluctuations, but those were happening before I even started taking the medication. That has much more to do with hormones and depression, methinks, than the phentermine. I actually think it may even be HELPING. I'm down to desperate crying once per week instead of 4 out of 7 like I was near the beginning of October (first week before I was on phentermine). It has also contributed to a lowering of my body temperature. I'm no longer experiencing any overheating symptoms like when I first took it. If anything, my fingers are FREEEZING. All of the time. All of it.

I slightly suspect that it may actually be slowing down my weight loss. ***POOP TALK ALERT!*** I have gone as many as 4 days without pooping and when I do, it's the consistency of freaking soft-serve. ***POOP TALK OVER***

Phentermine works by putting the body into the flight or fight sort of mode. Which is a stress reaction. I am curious as to whether the stress it is causing is releasing more cortisol... aka: putting my body into a fat packing mode. What it's meant to do is use fight or flight to reduce hunger - the body reaction is to tap into the stores for energy in a situation like that. But if it is also causing stress or anxiety, would it be logical to conclude that you would also be turning food eaten into storage?

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Conclusion: 10 more pills before I have to refill. I'm not sure if I should refill or if I should stop. Nothing intensely negative has happened but it is a cousin to the amphetamine family and can be both habit forming and stressful on the organs.

I kind of want to try not taking it for a month and comparing my results. Everything I've read says wean yourself off of a med like this. So I am going to taper these last 10 pills... every other day for 3 pills, every 3 days for 3 pills and 1 every 4 days for the remaining 4 pills.

I'm just not sold that aside from the first 4lbs that it helped me shake, if it is doing all that much to help...

Returning to Consistency.

Today's Weight: 342.8lbs 

Okay... so we all know that I've been negative and lame lately. I have been reading some of my fellow bloggers and they have been fighting the exact same fight but with different tactics... 

300lbs down - Holly lost a SIGNIFICANT amount of weight and incurred a SIGNIFICANT regain. She has the most uplifting posts and the best attitude ever. She is exactly where I am right now. Struggling to get back on the horse. Being disappointed and mistrusting yourself despite knowing how to fix the problem. 

WhoAteMyBlog?- Steven was making amazing progress. He lost so much more than I ever have. But he's on the regain due to injury. He is so transparent with us about his struggle with binge eating. In this post he specifically captures the desperation and defeat that I have been feeling. I know he's gonna pull through it. He just will. He can do it. I believe in him. 

I believe in myself. The hope I have for Steven and Holly... I hope for myself too. While I feel like I may not deserve hope. I need to give myself the benefit of the doubt and know that I will make progress. 

Holly has been following a self-made program. She has returned to dieting that worked for her previously and activity in a similar manner as she had before. But in miniature. Making small goals. So small it may seem even silly that they are "goals." It is not silly. It is a great way to gain confidence in your ability to follow through. 

She mentioned mistrusting herself after weight gain. That really resonated with me. When I stop trusting someone, I cut them off. I disappear. Mistrusting myself is exactly what's happening here. It's my defeatism narrowed down to a cause. I have thought of making goals and then dismissed the idea, "I'm not going to reach it anyway." Or, "Who cares? I've messed it up before, too." 

I am in a terribly apathetic and negative thought cycle. It is a battle of the sizes. 

INNER TWIG vs BABY WHALE!!!  

IT: Come on! You have gained so much weight. Let's change it up! 

BW: HA! You make it sound so easy. 

IT: It is. Make a small change. Just say no to cravings. Just say no to being motionless. 

BW: You don't understand how hard it is to be me. I'm too stressed out to take on yet another project. 

IT: COME ON! You don't even have to leave the house when you get home. Just take 15 min and do a little body weight work out. 

BW: But I hurt and I'm tired and Will is here. I want to spend time with him. 

IT: Then just go over there and do some push ups, squats, lunges, SOMETHING. 

BW: I can't do that in front of him. He will tell me I'm doing it wrong and I'll get all gross and sweaty. 

IT: Fine. Enjoy your big fat life. Enjoy your excuses. 

And Inner Twig is down for the count. Rematch? Tomorrow morning. Baby Whale has been getting a lot more practice running things and has become a very difficult opponent. It is time to start helping Inner Twig out... giving her a few easy fights to bolster her confidence. 

Then of course there are the days when neither side are fighting and I just completely forget how fat I am. I can disconnect from myself THAT well. Where, if isolated long enough, I feel completely normal about myself. Which is okay for existing, but how can I forget my goals when my goals manifest themselves SO LARGELY!?!? My body and brain are trying so hard to maintain stasis! 

I've also been reading Nerd Fitness. The Emails are great. The guy who writes the site is hilarious and insightful. He recommended making your weight loss a game. What kind of character do you want to develop? Full on RPG. You get more stamina points with cardio, you get more strength with resistance training. It is all very clever! I love the concept "Level Up."

Of course, out of all the things I'm reading, I'm picking and choosing my favorite parts and trying to come up with a cohesive plan for myself. 

The best work out is one that you'll do says Nerd Fitness... 

Activities I Love: Aquacise, swimming, biking, walking, body weight training, weight lifting. 

Activities I HATE: Running, Anything with the word "jumping." Skiing. Things that I perceive as dangerous. 

Activities I have let go over the years: basketball, track, hiking, jump rope, biking), dancing, gymnastics, yoga, horseback riding.
Activities I have never tried: Any martial arts, Rope training, Formal lap swimming, Any sport that requires upper body strength, skateboarding, 

Identify problem foods. Or go back to what you know worked for you. - Holly. 

Problem foods: Candy, pastas, bread, cheese without moderation, pizza, burgers. Basically carbs and sugar. 

What worked for me: 

• Small meals 6x a day. 
• Precut/bagged veggies ready to go. 
• Pre-cooked chicken breasts + salads for dinner. 
• VERY low caloric intake during the day so I can allow myself the "decadent" and larger amounts at night when I want it the most. 
• PLANNING - Making decisions in advance, to reduce the last minute bad decisions.  

Create small goals. Give yourself challenges that are VERY easily attainable to build up your confidence and trust. - Holly

I have so many things I would like to accomplish right now. They can be broken down into 3 categories. Motion, Consumption and Accountability. 

MOTION - 

Using runkeeper.com I have found a route in my neighborhood that is .5 miles. It's just walking around 4 blocks. Not a big deal. It doesn't have to be fast. It doesn't have to be with a smile on my face. It doesn't have to be at a particular time of day. I am going to do that short walk 5x this week. If I afterwards feel like going further, or doing a different exercise, I just win extra. 

CONSUMPTION - 

I will eat vegetables once a day for 7 days. Write it down. What veggie did you eat? Now Draw it. 

ACCOUNTABILITY - 

I will track both of the previous items in my journal every day and summarize with ONE BLOG EVERY WEEK. The blog doesn't have to be on a certain day. It doesn't have to be a certain length. It just needs to be done. I need to reach out to the community and be a participator - less of a weight loss spectator. 

And lastly... 

Be Kind, Supportive, Authentic and Non-Judgmental Towards Yourself. - Steven. 

Big Fat Love, 

Nanette