A motivational speech.

Here's what's going on in the life lately...

• Boy wants to be exclusive. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. But I'm REALLY craving some consistency. 
• Work is good. Building a better relationship with the doc and coworkers. (while looking for another job... what!? I need more hours). 
• Budget is tight. Trying to meet $1200 worth of bills with a $1000 income. 
• Roommate... is okay. I think we drive each other nuts. But it'll get better in the new apartment come August... We'll have our own rooms. 
• Food has been better. I'm still doing the famine then binge thing. I haven't had time to run to a freaking grocery store (my work hours are kind of odd).
• Sleep... I haven't had good sleep in over 3 nights now. 
• Water, Rockin' the water. 
• Exercise. Well... I'm walking lots still... moreso than normal. I've decided to stop using the subway stop close to me and use the one not so close to me just so I can get in an extra .5 miles of walking every day. 

I feel like I need to recommit. Like when I was back in Idaho... I could mentally prep myself... lay out the ground work for a plan for however long it would take me, then implement a change. I'm having a hard time controlling my life like that here. It may be that I don't have the monetary freedom to afford everything I want/need to help along the way. It may be the stress. It may be that I don't have any of my own space (I'm sharing a freaking BED, people). It may be that I haven't fully adjusted to my new life yet. Let's face it... as far as NYC living goes, I'm a novice. But i'm trying not to be discouraged. 

I need to mentally prepare. 

- Game plan. (nike fitness app + back to menus)

- Inspiration/Desire. (working on it, gotta rough myself up a little). 

- Measurable goal. (22 weeks or 5 months, aim for -10lbs a month, be happy with -7lbs). 

I need to commit to a date. 

- August 6th (when I will finally have my own room). 

As skeptical of reading a fitness book as I was for Mir's challenges... I'm starting to realize, even if it's procrastinated, it's a little *ding* reminder in my head that This is what i'm doing. So head out to a book store or re-read the one I brought with me. 

Dear Nanette, 

You have 2 weeks to come to terms with the fact that the habits you've started in this city are going to be over. You have 2 weeks to deal with the fact that working out will be your second job. You have 2 weeks to make excuses. You have 2 weeks to be lazy and let your social life rule the roost. You have 2 weeks to make lists about why you are fat, why you hate being fat, why a healthy lifestyle will benefit you and all the things you'd rather do fit and thin. 

In two weeks you will take health and wellness as seriously as if it were your job. You will show up on time to your work outs. You will respect the work out time. No one can contact you or talk you out of it. You will eat what you are supposed to because your body feels better when you do. Your energies are higher and you are a happier person. You will be in a better mental place. You will go to bed at midnight, regardless of who you're with or what you've got planned. 

Big Fat Mentally Preppin' Love, 

Nanette

So This Weight loss Thing and SSSD Update.

Weigh in: 296 (-1)

Measurements
Waist:
Below Waist:
Hips:

Water: 4/7 over 100 oz.

Workouts:
Monday: Hour at the gym.
Tuesday: walk to work.
Wednesday: Dancing at the rooftop party.
Thursday: walking to work.
Friday: aherm. a very fun physical date.
Saturday: fun physical date continues.
Sunday: Walking date around union square and the neighborhood.

So guys... let me break this down for you. I have been SUCKING at this weight loss thing lately. That pound could just as easily be water weight as it could be fat. I have been eating like shit (yesterday's 4 slices of pizza? and a handful of oreos?). I haven't been working out. I even have a gym membership, compliments of dear Wendy (which makes me an ingrate, right?). I feel stuck, but like I don't have enough horsepower to get myself out of this rut. I'm full of excuses... It's hot, I'm tired, I'm on my period, oh I'm just dehydrated...   LIES.

FACT: I am fat and lazy.
FACT: I am entirely in charge of that situation.
FACT: I will stay fat and lazy until I exercise the willpower to be otherwise.
FACT: Willpower and motivation require time and focus.
FACT: GET ON THIS ALREADY, NANETTE!!!

I'm sick of this weekly motivational speech/guilt trip for not doing what I know is best for me. But I know I have to give it. I can't just give up. I can't just let all the work I've done go on pause. I don't want to regain. So I guess this means I need to blog EVERY. DAY. SOMETIMES. TWICE. Sorry guys if it's lame. But I need to get my brain focusing on the fat loss and not what to put in my face next.

Big Fat GET ON THE FREAKING BALL Love,
Nanette

Ready for this!? - 7 day countdown begins.

So here're the stats.

Weight: between 305-309

Stress: off the charts.

Working: 65 hours this week.

Sleeping: 4-5 hours a night.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I have a couple job opportunities in the new city. So when I land, I have a couple in person interviews all lined up. Restaurant/catering work and an office assistant position for a search firm. I have high hopes and a good feeling about life outside of Idaho. I feel like I can put that aside now. I can put the planning aside.

But while I'm still here...

I have 3 more 2:30 - midnight shifts. (Friday, Tuesday Wednesday).
No more morning work.
So sleep will be improving.

I have 3 more days in my apartment.
To scrub clean, top to bottom.
To eat the food in the fridge or get rid of it.
To pack my suitcases (and do a serious amount of laundry).
To make my last goodwill donations.
To walk around naked.
So the stress is still high.

I'm worried about my motivation and losing my progress because I'm having such a difficult time focusing. So I've told myself. "Nanette, you've done this for months. You know how to make good food decisions. Trust that for now. If you gain a few pounds, you'll lose them again when you relocate and settle."

But I'm trying to determine whether or not that's B.S.... Excuses to get back to "addict" behavior. I'm experiencing a definite lack of peace while the ground underneath my feet shifts and the mental athlete I've trained has gotten flabby. But I feel like, what's the harm in just relaxing for 7 days. (SELF, DO NOT TAKE THAT AS A CHALLENGE TO GAIN AS MUCH WEIGHT AS YOU CAN IN 7 DAYS).

Things I give into will be habits I have to break again. Cravings to fight. Soreness to overcome. But guess what, Nanette... that's life. There's no point in which everything will be perfect.. that eating and working out will be 100% all of the time. What matters is that you keep trying and how you adjust. Being flexible and positive is going to get you through this. Never give up! Never give in!

Menu
B: Zoi
S: Chocolate covered peanuts ( I KNOW, I KNOW).
L: Spinach, tomato, blueberry, goat cheese, balsamic salad.
S: 1 cup cottage cheese.
D: Tuna sandwich, odwalla juice.
S: 1 cup cottage cheese... (if I'm going to eat for comfort right now... may as well be high in protein).

Workout
.5 mile to Job 1.
2.5 mile to Job 2.
2.5 mile from Job 2.

Big Fat Gentle Reminder To Move Forward Love,
Nanette

Rekindled?

This morning I was supposed to work out with a friend from work. I've been doing that... scheduling workouts with people to make sure I get them done because that's the kind of accountability I figured I need as of late. Well, the friend bailed.

I did half of the 300 rep work out I would normally do. Only half because it's been 2 weeks since I've done my Tabata style training and it kicked my ass in a few brief minutes. 

I have been excusing myself to be fat while I'm stressed out. I've been excusing my body and my fitness and all the things that are imperative. And I am bugged. The work out this morning only took 10 minutes and that's only half. 

The hikes I've been going on have been over an hour. 

The walks to and from work have been between 20-30 minutes each way. 

And I think I don't have TIME for working out? Bull.

I'm too stressed to workout?! Also Bull. What better time to work through the anxiety and nervousness?! Things are going to fall into place. I've made sure of that. And frankly, even if I can't get everything to a good home, or get everything to goodwill, it's OK to throw stuff away. Things will fall into place. It's okay. Stop worrying. Just keep going. 

I may be too tired sometimes... and I feel like that's actually legitimate. But would I be this tired if I were working out more?

Also... screw working out with others at this point. I can't keep trying to mesh schedules with people and then blame a missed workout on someone else. Hoist the petards and be a grown up, Nanette. 

Best thing about not working out with someone - I don't have to worry about the sounds that fat slapping fat makes when I do things like jumping jacks, or squat jumps or anything else. I can listen to offensive music if I want. I can speed stuff up. I can slow stuff down. I can skip something that makes my knees do that gristly sound. 

Also... Logged calories yesterday and the day before. I've learned that right now, I cannot trust my instincts. I'm eating WAY above my limit. Normally I can float around 1400 and be fine. I've been eating around 1900-2200 and still been hungry. Real hungry not like brain hungry. Time to reign it in. You are in control of your body, not the other way around. 

I'm just tired of the bullshit from all directions....   But most of all from myself. Take some control. Don't be a hypocrite. 

Menu today

B: protein bar

S: .5 C cottage cheese. 

L: Sushi Roll 

S: 2 boiled eggs with salsa

D: Salad + 4oz chicken breast (baked). 

S: Berries. 

Calorie total: 1500 (ish). 

Movement

150 reps (squats, side lunge, back lunge + kick). 

2.5 mile walk to work. 

2.5 mile walk from work. 

150 reps (squats, side lunge, back lunge + kick). 

Big Fat IT'S ABOUT TIME Love, 

Nanette 

P.s. sorry for the swearing lately. I'll get to that habit next. 

Distraction And a Plan of Action

I'm having such a problem with distraction as of late. I know that my brain is going in 15 directions. We've addressed that. But I've gone from "Make graduation a priority" to "Make graduation the only priority." My blogs have been lame and not very thoughtful because I'm not in the game right now.

That diet and exercise apathy is creeping in. I went out to eat twice this week. That's unacceptable for two reasons. One. Money. Two. FAT. The apathy doesn't keep me from weighing in every morning and night. So the apathy still digs at me in a negative way. I need a flame under my ass right now and it's just not happening.

I waver, in that my brain isn't engaged to make work outs better, To make the most of my spare time by burning some calories or prepping healthy foods. My menu is out the window. I have not been eating well. Under calories, but not well. Like yesterday... I pretty much ate string cheese and oranges. Under calories. BUT NOT HEALTHY.

I got a mile walk in yesterday. Which isn't much. I got one set of my mini work outs in then napped the rest of the afternoon away. I want to dismiss all of this and say it's related to the whole period thing. But here's the thing, Nanette. If it's related to this thing that happens ONCE A MONTH, you'd better get your shit together. It's not going away. Find a way to deal with it in a productive, grown up, way instead of this  dismissive, eat what you want, disappear, lazy way!

This kind of behavior freaks me out. I need to be ultra vigilant about keeping myself working out and finding that inner motivation. I'm going to NY and I won't have my trainer. I won't have a gym. I won't have a familiar area to run. I need consistency. I need commitment. I need positive portable habits.

That's kinda what I'm gnawing on today. I need to commit to better choices today. I need to take action today. I know that I have a problem. I've recognized it. The next step is action. I can do that.  I WILL DO THAT.

Today's plan of action. 
- eat the broccoli in the fridge before it goes off.
- eat a salad. Make it fancy if you have to. MORE VEGGIES.
- drink some water.
- STRETCH for tomorrow you run.
- leave the apartment.

I will not give in to eating whatever is easy. I will not give in to dicking around on the internet for hours instead of living a real life away from the computer. I will not give in to that "do it tomorrow" bull that's roaming around my brain.

I choose to live healthy and I choose to live healthy RIGHT NOW. f

Big Fat CHOOSE WELL Love,
Nanette

All aboard the thought train!!!

So this split focus thing is killing me. This weekend alone, I have spent $60 going out... consuming food that isn't healthy, booze and even a dessert. I still managed to lose weight - luckily. I really think that was a fluke.

I have this pattern. I can usually concentrate on 3-4 things in my life and do them all well. Right now I'm so overwhelmed with all the stuff I've been trying to fit in and stress out about that I haven't been doing ANYTHING well. Here goes the thought train... All aboard!

A) New potentially romantic interest - this always makes things sort of go to crap and occupies way more of my thoughts than it should. And let's face it... obsession is ugly. I don't want to be ugly.

B) Finding a Job in NYC - I'm jumping the gun here. I'm not in the city yet. I can put this on the back burner for a couple weeks. But it does come with all the "I need a professional interview outfit!" Which contradicts G. Even that is jumping the gun. I don't know what size I will be when I get there!

C) Piano Tests = Graduation - Last week I found out that the pressure is still on high. With lessons this week it's even higher. For some reason this "easier" set of scales is harder than ever and I've got an entire piece to learn. But without the degree... I'm going to have a hell of a time with B) getting a job in NYC and no one wants to date a jobless bum. So it helps with A) New potentially romantic interest as well.

D) Eating right - This takes focus. This takes planning. This takes NOT giving in to the easiest way out because you were all stupid and twitterpated over some BOY or stuck in a practice room.

E) Working out - Planning work outs that don't tax the same part of the body each time. Finding work outs that keep me engaged. Working up to the 30 minutes of running that you want to do with Mr. Option A... A positive way to obsess, if you going to.

F) Moving - There is so much to be done around my house. Sell stuff. Ebay my formal gowns (seriously folks, if you've got some fat friends (26/28/30), I'm selling off a few really beautiful items). Sell off my vintage purse collection. Selling off my fancy shoes. Selling off my vintage jewelry. *sigh*

G) Saving/Making Money - This is REALLY the only thing I can productively do for myself in this move to NYC. Getting a job is going to take me BEING there to interview. People doing sublets don't want to talk to someone who wants one all the way in JUNE. What I can do is save money...  it buys me more time to get a job. It will also enable me to eat healthy instead of cheaply while I'm out there. It's also making me assess every purchase... well... how much toilet paper do you need in about 1month and a half. Shampoo? Tampons? Don't be wasteful. Save your pennies.

H) Online dating... I know I've already mentioned Mr. Option A. Which seems to have run a little cold lately... probably due to slight obsession backed up by not having MET in real person. But I have this constant niggling want for attention from the opposite sex. I don't know if it's a "validate me" thing. I really don't think it is... I think it's my new distraction technique for the stress I'm feeling. (I do that. A LOT).

Okay... So now you know what's buzzing around up there...   I WILL FOCUS. I will prioritize.

1) Piano/Graduation - Duh. I've been working on this degree for 7 years. It would be RIDICULOUS not to finish it this close to getting out of here. Plus it prepares me for success in so many ways after the fact.

2) Saving/Making Money - Concentrate on SAVING. Concentrate on not buying in excess. Concentrate on using the food you have and supplementing with grocery purchases. You don't need any new clothing right now (though I DID just buy new running shoes). You don't need to go out to eat a $10 salad you could make at home for $3.

3) Eating Right - Making menus and buying smart go hand in hand. I can eat healthily. I will pay closer attention to the cost of certain items to see how I will be able to eat on $15-20 a week when I get to NY.

4) Working out - I'm handing the reigns over to trainer when it comes to work out planning. I'm going to keep up with the interval running so I can feel like I'm doing something about Potential Guy and so I can drop some more weight. I don't want to scare him away with my size (though I've been very up front about my weight).

Everything else, moving, online dating, applying for jobs, finding a sublet, new potential romantic interest...   You can all take a back seat. I have two more weeks until I am done with piano. Then I can pick one to put back in on top and take more control over my working out.

I will not lose my laser like focus and determination. I'm tired of feeling like refracted light. I need to feel productive. I need motion. I need progress. I can do anything good!!!!

Accountability...

Menu
Breakfast: banana w/1tbsp peanut butter.
S: Fruit leather.
L: tuna salad on spelt bread.
S: baby carrots.
D: Spinach, celery, tomato, avocado, black berry, sunflower seed + balsamic salad.
S: cottage cheese.

Workout
25 pushups
25 squats
25 side lunges right
25 side lunges left.
50 bicep curls
25 tricep dips
25 vertical jumps.
5 downward facing dog pushups.

Big Fat FOCUSED Love,
Nanette

Giant Weirdo. Truth.

WOOO!!! It's the weekend! I love my jobs... in that they pay me and that they only happen for four days a week. That leaves three for play and cleaning my house!

This week my weigh-ins have been ALL over... and I've said that before. But here's an idea.
Sunday: 309
Monday: 307
Tuesday: 316
Wednesday: 310
Thursday: 305
Friday: 309

So I'm just going to keep plugging along and hope that I can get one of the good low numbers on Sunday. I don't deserve a huge loss this week (not like... morally). I just haven't worked out a lot. Just my usual.

Monday: Short HIIT
Tuesday: Swim class + Trainer HIIT.
Wednesday: Trainer HIIT
Thursday: NO SWIM CLASS (piano test) + Trainer HIIT.

So today... since Friday is my only piano free day. I am going to shop with Trainer at the butchers for some non-processed, non-chemicaled meat. And then I'm going on an interval run.

I'm still very intimidated by people watching me and thinking "fat girl, you call that running?" So it'll still be in the cemetery. I fight those situations a lot... the ones where my brain tells me other people are judging me and that I need to feel insecure. My 0yr-24yr old self says "wait until tonight and just run in the dark... Then you can run wherever you want.

"INCORRECT!" says 25 year old, finally caring about health, Nanette.

I can run wherever I want no matter the time of day. I can run in a sports bra and undies if I want. I can run in a burka. I can run barefoot, in sandals, in trainers or heels. I can run in a dress. I can run fast (for a short while anyway). I can run slow. I can breathe hard. I can be my own trainer. I can sing along to my ipod. I can do whatever I want and whenever I want... and if someone out there thinks I'm a giant weirdo...

Well... I'm a giant weirdo working on being less giant. I'm a giant weirdo that has goals and reaches for them. I am a giant weirdo that actively takes part in her own weirdo life and destiny. I am a giant weirdo who counts calories, writes a fat blog, jiggles lots when she runs and makes friends with other giant weirdos.

Truth. 

Screw the cemetery. I'm going to run on the busiest street near my house. Get over your insecurities, Nanette. Get over yourself and this stupid sense of needing to look or be regarded a certain way. Just be. (jiggly, heh). Like they say in every acting class... "Move with purpose." 

Big Fat Giant Weirdo Love, 

Nanette

Monday Night...

I got a session of piano practice in this afternoon. My scales are getting a little better. I MIGHT have them up to tempo by Thursday. I need to put another hour in tomorrow. Keepin' my chin up. Going to stay positive about it. Get another test passed off or at least partially passed off.

I have NOT had a work out today. I'm bugged. It's not like I didn't have time. I was making these stupid excuses about "Well, Nanette, this week you've got to concentrate on piano. You can put work out on the back burner."

After the other side of my internal dialogue stopped giving me the silent treatment for being so lame, It reacted. "Here's the thing. You had a great lesson on Friday after your run. You don't need to be sedentary to concentrate. You have enough time to both exercise and practice. If you feel like mentally you don't have it... Get over yourself. Push your boundaries."

I AM cracking down on food this week. More veggies. More fresh. More quality calories. I'm pretty good at eating under my caloric limit... but I budget for dark chocolate or an extra serving of cottage cheese...  and This week is veggies with every meal! I'm doing okay with that today.

I feel like the cautious nutrition is the safety net for this battle of piano vs fitness vs laziness... It is temporary. The whole thing is so silly! I know that I'll benefit from telling myself  YES! YOU CAN! YOU ARE CAPABLE! YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PUSH YOURSELF TO DO! This stupid struggle of procrastination and the fallacy that I can only have one or the other (extra work outs or piano practice time)... is such a waste. I've got four more weeks of this. Adapt. Take on both. Succeed, Nanette. Get it together.

Big Fat HAVE IT BOTH WAYS Love,
Nanette

Fits.

I've been fighting the scale all week. I've been fluctuating between 313 (great!) and 316 (booo!). I can't gain weight. I have been sucking at the Allan Challenge. I mean... I'm staying under the caloric goals and I'm near the water intake every day (within 16oz usually). Plus getting in the 3x a week interval training. (minus the swimming class this week because of spring break). But I got an additional 3 mile walk in yesterday. WHY AM I NOT SEEING SMALLER NUMBERS? I'm not being cheaty on MFP or anything.

So here we go... Yesterday I got all overwhelmed about how long it's going to take me to get out of the "obese" BMI range. And about how I've only come so far and it's been like... 7 months. (In addition to not feeling like I've had a solid loss pattern for 4 weeks). I got a comment on the Numbers blog from a fellow number nerd. She laid it out pretty clearly.

  3500 calories per pound
   170 pounds to lose
595,000 calories to burn
   365 days to burn it
   1630.2 calories to burn per day.
   2302 Basic Metabolic Rate (BMR)
   1400 caloric intake (average)
   902 additional calories to burn per day!!!


Now we're working with productive numbers. This I can handle. Yes... It will probably take me more than 365 days. But it seemed like a good place to start. I'm going to have to up the ante with my personal fitness.

I worry about running at my weight because 315lbs on my knees, hips and ankles just doesn't seem like a great idea. I miss the elliptical. However, I can do interval training at home. I can do yoga. I can put two more SCHEDULED AND COMMITTED WORK OUTS INTO MY LIFE. And on my rest days... I still need to do what they call "active rest" aka... leave the house. Though sometimes it's hard because I can be such a homebody and I hate sunshine. I'm also going to try and take some photos for you guys because it makes me feel like I have a purpose on the walk.

Here's the plan. 

Mondays: active rest (WALK DAMMIT!)
Tuesday: Aquacise + HIIT
Wednesday: HIIT
Thursday: Aquacise + HIIT
Friday: active rest
Saturday: PiYo class + jog/walk (at night of course, when they can't see me a-jiggling).
Sunday: HIIT at home or go on a hike with Tawnie.

I'm also implementing a new eating plan. Because I'm kind of a muncher... and I want to have better accountability for how many times I eat in a day. I have created some fun rules.

Before I eat I will... 

- drink 24oz of water. 

- take a walk around the block. 

- take 5 deep sighing breaths

- throw away or choose to donate 5 things. 

I've decided I will change these rules when I get sick of them but I have to follow them for a week. Let's see how long all of this lasts. I hope it's enough to kick me out of the stupid slump I'm in... I need to GET OUT OF THE 300's! I only have two months left before the NY move and I want there to be significantly less of me to take on that plane, to find an apartment for, to get someone to hire!

Big Fat ReCommit Love,
Nanette

The Big Fat Truth

Grandma called me the “husky” grandchild. Which is not only an insult, but a confusing one. Husky. Isn’t that a dog? Brothers chanted, “Hay is for horses, too bad you’re a cow.” My mother said I had a build like my father. My peers didn’t say anything. Maybe because they didn’t notice I was big. Maybe because I wasn’t big. Maybe because their parents raised them right. Maybe because they knew I would be merciless in return.

Fat people aren’t smart. Fat people sweat. Fat people wobble unattractively. Fat people have altered gaits. Fat people make the car sink more than others when they get in. Fat people only talk about food. Fat people eat at McDonalds. Fat people aren’t active. Fat people are easily winded.

I had two role models in the home. Mom, a runner who left carrot sticks and cucumber slices in the kitchen for the family to munch on. She would also go to the grocery store and buy a package of cookies. By the time she got home and sat in the driveway for a few minutes, more than half a package was gone. We don’t have sweets in our house. Dad, a 558lb private business owner, would buy the pizza, the ice cream, the ingredients, if I would pick them up from the store. He would never go through a drive thru and rarely went to restaurants – only the kind without booths.

Fat people shouldn’t wear sleeveless dresses or shirts. Fat people shouldn’t talk about hunger. Fat people shouldn’t say they are fat. Fat people shouldn’t ride on airplanes. Fat people can’t see their toes. Fat people can’t be in relationships. Fat people can’t move. Fat people can’t be healthy.

If you are fat, you have two options. You can be the dumb and pathetic fat or you can be the smart and funny fat. These aren’t my rules. This is what is portrayed in popular movies and television shows. They are reinforced by jokes and assumptions. And even in those quintessential coming of age story lines, where the chunky misfit (a whopping size twelve), whittles down to a svelt supermodel type, they reinforce that a size 12 is "gross." My response was almost Darwinian. I became funny fat to survive. I maneuvered through imaginary conflicts so not to be caught wordless.

The overheard passive aggressive insult…
“Look at her man, she’s huge! I wonder if her boyfriend can even find her vagina.”
“Pardon me, you noticed I was fat. I noticed you’re vapid. At least there’s something I can do about my situation.”

The family reunion intervention…
“We’ve noticed you’ve gained a lot of weight. Are you okay? Do you need help?”
“I noticed your marriage is falling apart. Are YOU okay?”

Imaginary situations. No one was ever rude enough to say things like that. Only quick glances with furrowed brows, which could have been genuine concern, but interpreted by my insecure, fat mind as social daggers of "how dare she be that big?!" 

Fat people should feel bad about being fat. Fat people are unattractive.  Fat people don’t like themselves. Fat people break chairs. Fat people will have heart attacks. Fat people are diabetic. Fat people can’t have sex. Fat people have thyroid problems.

People are nicer than they are in my head. If I say the word “fat,” even at my heaviest, peers would pacify their own discomfort “Oh, you’re not fat, don’t talk about yourself that way.” Fat is a bad word. Don’t say “fat.” It makes people uncomfortable.

Fat people make others uncomfortable. Fat people are offensive. Fat people order more food. Fat people smell. Fat people wear muumuus. Fat people take busses.

In letting what others think shape me, I made fat rules in high school.

1 – Never get in the car first.
2 – Always wear sleeves.
3 – Never talk about food.
4 – Never let them see you sweat.
5 – Do what’s possible to wiggle less.

Then I went to college.

Deborah Voigt at the SanFranOpera (size 20)

Fat people can date. Fat people can socialize. Fat people can dance. Fat people can help other people. Fat people can like themselves. Fat people can go to the gym. Fat people can be on stage. Fat people can laugh at themselves. Fat people can change.

Now I’m making the fattest rules for real life.

1 – Do what you want (includes dating, sex, exercise, reading, eating)

2 – Date who you want (includes athletes, nerds, musicians, poets)

3 – Wear what you want (includes the sleeveless and the short). 

4 – Talk how you want (includes fat, food, boys, weight, goals, thoughts)

5 – Love your body (include all of it). 

6 – Strive to be healthy (includes some wiggling, sweating and smelling).

Big Fat Breaking Patterns Love,
Nanette

Want Monster

So I was reading 100 days of dieting this week and it's sister book, Life is Hard Food is Easy. I have a hard time applying the words "emotional eater" to myself. Mainly because I'm a terribly pragmatic and practical person. I feel pretty even most of the time and lean on reasoning instead of emotion to guide my choices. However, Life is Hard defined emotional eating as this...

Emotional Eating: Using food for emotional or psychological reasons instead of for satisfying the body's physical requirement for food.

Like many others have said - Eat to live not live to eat. <--- p.s. I hate that saying. It's like saying "music is LIFE." Too many eggs. One basket. Seventeen thousand exceptions.

I really liked the way the book said that. I hate that it means that I'm an emotional eater. But I have some analyzing to do. What are the psychological reasons that I enter food-zombie-want-food-don't-need-food mode? What do I benefit from doing that? What unmet need am I satiating?

Today I was also sitting in the Sexual Psychology class today and they were talking about attraction. One theory states that we are attracted to things that we've suppressed... or that our suppressed experiences flavor our choices in mates. I suppose you could apply the same thing to food, or exercise, or any HABIT. The teacher talked about our need to recognize the pattern and then work through it with a therapist. Now... I don't really have access to a therapist. But therapy is "what I'm hearing you say is.." anyway... Blogs are lovely for that. Write it down. Read it again later and tell yourself "what I'm hearing you say is..."

So I'm trying to slow down my thoughts... slow down my body and ask myself questions as I go about making decisions like; another bite?, put salt on this?, buy the cookies?, I'm hungry?, so what?! I'm trying to fight my apathy... that's my enemy. Sometimes my internal dialogue goes like this..

"okay... you're not hungry but you want to eat {insert decadence}. It will skyrocket you over your caloric limit."
"So? You've done really well this week."
"Excuse. Why do you want to eat this?"
"because it's freakin' delicious."

Sometimes I lose and give in. Other times I exercise excellent restraint. But again, it's that consistency thing.

Dear Nanette,

Perfection doesn't exist. But that doesn't mean give up.

Sincerely, Your fat ass.  

 ****************************Change gears with me*****************************

 I'm stuck in limbo. Waiting to move. Waiting to graduate. Waiting to be thin. Waiting to job hunt. Waiting to buy new clothes. Waiting to find out what the future holds...

I'm feeling very Veruca Salt "BUT I WANT IT NOW, DADDY!" I am an impatient want MONSTER right now.

I want to be thin.
I want to try new recipes.
I want to be inspired again.
I want to follow through on my goals this week.
I want to eat well every day.
I want to be excited about exercise.
I want to read 100 books this year.
I want to complete my goals in the big picture - have follow through.
I want to pack up boxes of stuff I don't need.
I want to go home for a weekend.
I want to break my habit of dating terrible men.
I want to make healthy habits.
I want to stop being content with inactivity.
I want to an impressive resume.
I want to use up my art supplies.
I want to be calm about the NYC move.
I want to practice piano.
I want to get my FREAKING degree.
I want to be better at saving money.
I want to be more productive.
I want adventure (points if you thought "in that great wide somewhere" from Beauty& the Beast).
I want to be friends not a therapist.
I want to get over the anger and resentment of my degree.
I want to be debt free.
I want a dog.
I want affection.
I want to feel like my shit is together.
I want to find an apartment and get rid of the pit in my stomach about that.
I want to be out of this transition place.
I want to love music again.
I want to remember what it feels like to be "spiritual" and allow myself to balance that.
I want to be that girl who has opinions and direction but loves to wear lace and feel feminine (not mutually exclusive, I know).
I want to feel sexy while lose weight.
I want relationships (friends and etc) without feeling used or compromised.
I want to be detail oriented.
I want to be more focused.
I want to learn new dance moves.
I want to help people.
I want to be able to love more people than I'm annoyed by.
I want to adapt more quickly to change.
I want to be assertive.
I want to START OVER IN A NEW PLACE!

I get this way sometimes. Then I want to punch myself in the face and say "Deep breath. One goal at a time."

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate myself. Or my life. I just need different at this point. Something different. I've been stuck in this waiting to move and be done with college place for over a year now (stupid class rotations).

Big Fat Greeeeeedy Love,
Nanette

Where we come from...

I was reading April's Blog this morning... She was talking a little bit about her weight loss progress. And what mental state she was in to get to her highest weight...

There have been so many times over the course of my life that I told myself, "I'll never be as big as her," or "I'll never get over 250lbs, 300lbs, 350lbs." But I never did anything to avoid reaching those weights, those milestones. It was temporary motivation to slow down my eating but never changed my relationship with my food. In a way I was distracted, always too busy... never felt an urgency to change. I had a lot of people try to wake me up, particularly since my whole life has been performance oriented. Those temporary motivations flew out the window when a pizza was in the room, or a candy bar.

I don't think of myself as disabled or fat. I have fat. Fat is a part of me, but I am not fat. I am Nanette. In a way, it's been a good thing. I'm hoping that as the scale goes down and I get healthier I will still be Nanette. I don't want to be thin. I want to be Nanette. On the other hand, it's a bad thing. It's allowed me to entirely dissociate from my body. It helped me ignore the things I couldn't do anymore. I haven't always been okay with being fat. But I wasn't ready to be proactive about it when I was younger... it wasn't something I was interested in. I didn't have the resources. It just wasn't time for it. If I would have started younger, I'm quite positive I would have failed and then continued with a yo-yo dieting mentality.

It also helped that I had the mentality of "dad will always be fatter than me." I love my dad. No matter what size (actually, I liked him more when he was fat. He was less of a curmudgeon.). Not once did I feel like he loved me less because he couldn't play on the floor or chase me around. Dad had a series of health problems. He lost weight. He got down to around my weight... and then I started getting nervous. Dad continued to lose...   At 67 years old, he's now around 240 and if he had his excess skin removed he would be around 200. Watching dad lose weight and get healthier was inspiring, sure. He did it too late though. His skin won't retract. His diabetes is in full swing. He still has muscular problems related to being dormant for so long.

Last fall (2010) dad injured his foot at work. It wouldn't heal. He described going to sleep the day before thanksgiving... he felt his heart slow down... and he started going cold all over. He couldn't move his body. He couldn't shout for help. (mom sleeps upstairs). The next morning, he told mom about it and she took him to the emergency room. His blood sugar was over 400. His foot was severely infected and was not healing due to poor circulation/diabetes. He wound up in the hospital for over a month with staph infection. Antibiotics were pumped directly into his heart.   ALL OF THIS WAS OVER A SMALL CUT ON THE BOTTOM OF HIS FOOT!

He was put on non-weight bearing limitations. This thanksgiving (2011), he hadn't walked in over a year, still waiting for this small cut to heal. He wound up in the emergency room again. He couldn't feel his other leg. Back problems. Blown discs cemented. Still numbness and an inability to move his left leg. pinched nerve. back surgery. bone shave. pins. rods. scars. He's in a nursing home getting physical therapy to help him recover from the back surgery. He's been there since thanksgiving.

All of this could have been prevented with earlier weight loss. All of this, in addition to finishing my degree and needing the next project and the next step to working and living.... it's finally the right time. Dad has had elbows replaced, multiple back surgeries, both knees replaced, cartilage problems. But for some reason... the physical issues that continued after he lost the weight is more effective in inspiring me to get myself moving. Get myself in gear. Prevent that kind of life. Increase the quality of my own.

I'd love to say it was my own idea. I had switched to a new voice teacher over the summer. Like every new voice teacher, she addressed my weight. "This doesn't need to count against you. At auditions people will dismiss you purely on size." FINALLY a teacher that talks truth. "When you come back, I want you to tell me how your practicing went and I want you to tell me what you've done this week to lose weight. It's not to intimidate you, or make you feel bad. It's to hold you accountable." I tried stuff for a couple weeks. I would increase activity, or eat more veggies... but not really keeping tally or a record of progress.

My cousin, Amber, told me about Mir's blogging CDC challenge. I joined up not knowing what I was getting myself into... but making a commitment to myself. Since then I've been researching. I've been tracking. I've been learning about nutrition and exercise. I read an article about motivation... motivation happens in 4 stages...

- the initial spark.
- mentally preparing yourself... thinking yourself through.
- sustained commitment.
- habit/self renewing motivation (the feel good of doing well that inspires you to keep going).

I'm the fattest person in our little E2E challenge. I also have the advantage of being the youngest person in this challenge. I know I can do this. I work out 3x a week or more. I struggle to keep my diet in line. But I DO. If I can haul my fat ass off of the couch or out of bed and go jogging, you can too. I can do high impact aerobics without hurting myself. I can modify. I can bear all 320 of my pounds. Bones get stronger with weight bearing exercise. Be smart. But if you don't push yourself, you don't grow.

If you get used to moving your body and working out at your current weight, it will only get EASIER as that number goes down... and believe me, it will.

Big Fat Fattest Challenger Love,
Nanette

E2E Challenge Prep

I've been doing so much research regarding plateaus and motivation over the Christmas break that my browser's bookmark list is getting ridiculously long. Reading article after article after article...   I'm ready to shout! I AM NOT A YO-YO DIETER! I may be an emotional eater, but I haven't found what emotion inspires the inhalation of food... not boredom, or sadness... maybe loneliness? Since I so strongly affiliate food with socializing.

But really... I got my book for the challenge in the mail today. It starts off by assuming I've tried every diet out there and I've just lost interest after the first couple of weeks. Let's get this straight. I have eaten whatever I've wanted for 24 years of my life... No holds barred (aside from the bottom of a chip bag). Once in a while I would scold myself for sweets or caffeine. But ultimately, I have never been on a diet. I have never been on a weight loss program. I have never counted calories. Looked at a scale weekly/daily for progress. I haven't "dieted" with the intent of weight loss before.

That's the kind of person I am. All or nothing. I've spent the last year whining and complaining and feeling subpar for being fat. I also spent the last year watching documentaries. Doing research. Reading and finding out what the garbage I've been putting in my body for 24 years has DONE and WILL DO to my body.

Ultimately what I see in Yo-yo dieting is someone looking at something healthy and wanting. Then trying for a little while or a quick fix to get that body. I think it was Fat Sick and Nearly Dead that pointed out that if we think of dieting as DIETING of course we're going to gain everything back. This is not a diet. This is not a program. This isn't a seven week course.

This is a permanent life change. I am choosing a permanent life change. That means I will probably never have soda again... I certainly feel like my life is fulfilling without it. That means that I will probably always check labels for corn syrup and hydrogenated oils. I will always thinking about what kind of fats are in the food I'm eating. I will always be thinking "you are what you eat. Literally. On the molecular level." And it can be dizzying or exhausting or even feel like I'm denying myself wonderful things (really?)...   but these things aren't happiness (neither is thin, just saying).

I feel good and happy when I know I'm treating my body well. I feel good and happy when I accomplish something (like walking away from oreos, ON SALE). I feel good and happy when I finish things like these online challenges, or an extra minute or five on the elliptical. I feel good when I know that I am in full control of what I choose to put in my mouth whether or not I exercise that control well. I feel good and happy when I show ownership of my decisions, particularly when those decisions are beneficial.

In a world of want want want want NEED, sometimes I get a twinge of delight when I do without. Less feels good. Owning less. Eating less. Weighing less. Buying less. Driving less. It's calming to throw away a shoe box full of old notes from high school or lotions that you got as gifts but haven't used for 2 years because you really can't abide the smell and they haven't grown on you like they thought you would. Even those boxes/cans/packages of food you shouldn't eat anyway...   give them to a food bank. Keep less. Store less. Those lesses help us find mores. More time. More space. More thinking. More walking. More options and opportunities. More choices. More nutrition. More.

In this challenge I'm so looking forward to less. Less body. Less stuff. Less food. Less waist. Less.

I'm so looking forward to more. More time. More thinking. More walking. More journaling. More clothing options. More writing. More reading. More.

So here's to a life commitment to your body and health.
Big Fat Commitment-y Love,
Nanette

CDCC #12? 13?

Weigh in: 330 (+1)
Water: 5/6 over 100 oz.
Veggies: 3/6 3 servings +
Calories: 6/6 under 1900.
Work outs: 5/6  3.5 hours cardio, 1 hr weights, 2 hrs aquacise.
Book: Done. Searching for the next one. 100 days of weight loss? open to suggestions.

MOVEMENT!!! granted, not in the right direction. BUT IT CHANGED!

Today was the last class of Aquacise. I've been taking it for three semesters and now I'm done forever. My teacher, Sarah and I have become pretty good friends. She added me on facebook today after we had a big long talk about how to break through this plateau. She sent me to bodyrock.tv. For some at home work outs and some recipes and weekly challenges. She recommended taking this weekend to concentrate on homework. Skip the Saturday work out. But hit it HARD next monday.

Lengthen cardio - switch from bike to elliptical.
Do weight reps faster - with good form of course.
Try body weight exercises alone (pushups, crunches, planks, chair dips, lunges).
REMEMBER TO STRETCH - keep those muscles loose and cool down to prevent soreness. 

Next week is also going to be a raw foods week - small cheats allowed for HOME BAKED fish.
Sunday will be menu, shop and prep day.

I started losing weight by reading up. writing motivations down. Writing things to think about. Ways to change unhealthy thought patterns. I found this very excellent thought while browsing articles on sparkpeople... that sometimes motivational issues arise from outgrowing the initial motivation. I consider that the case right now - duh, I'm looking up motivational speeches for weight loss.

I haven't grown completely lax or anything. But it's time to kick it up. It's time to stop being complacent and blaming my body for not losing when I haven't given it new stimuli for a while now...

On the positive side, I've gone from...
0 workouts a week -----------------> 5-7 workouts consistently per week.
not tracking calories at all --------> logging calories 4-7 days a week
Eating without thinking ----------> careful consideration of sodium and saturated fats I consume.
size 28/30----------------------------> 26/28... and lost a cup size :( heh.
Chronic back pain -----------------> sore muscles. A very decent trade.
No caffeine -------------------------> No soda or corn syrup infused drinks at all.
3 servings of veggies a week. ----> 3 servings at least 3 times a week. 300% increase.
368 lbs -------------------------------> 330 lbs.

Some motivational questions from one of those articles... 

• Look at a recent successful week; what worked? when did you make good choices? 
• How would life be different if you dropped 20lbs over night? What would happen?  
• Find the good intention behind bad behavior. What did I quiet with that {insert guilt food or skipped work out}? What feelings did I satiate? How else can I address that body need or emotional feeling? 
• Make predictions for good behaviors and bad. I am 50% sure that I will go out to eat. I am 60 % sure I'll go to the gym. I am 100% sure that I will weigh in. It helps us own our decisions. 
• Why do you do things right? What do you feel when you do things right? how do you think? how does your body react? 

I loved an article that I read back in August. It said pick a date. A solid calendar date. Make a commitment to that date and a commitment to yourself that this is when the plan you've been contemplating goes into effect. (inner skeptic says: you can make this choice every moment. Now self skeptic... here's the deal, that hasn't been working so well, fresh start). I will continue my current patterns of calorie counting and conscientious eating. Here's a commitment to the next step. The next level. The next -38 lbs. The next tough week. I will prepare myself now, during the last few days of this stupid plateau, to take it up a couple notches. I will read. I will journal. I will think it through. I will make time for my body, myself, my well-being.

Body, enjoy this brief respite. You will be workouts will shed that ass and belly come Monday.

Big FAT, TIRED OF PLATEAU-ING, Love,
Nanette

Body aches and the I-don't-wannas

It's cold outside. Just in case you didn't notice. My body wants hibernation mode. Sleep. Warmth. I do NOT want to have a week of midterms right now.

However, I got my lazy butt to the gym. My muscles complained the whole way there "It's too cold to be walking!" I've been so stiff lately! Despite all the stretching I'm doing. It must be the weather. But see, here's the deal, body. You're going to go and do stuff and you're going to get colder. Because you're going to lose your natural fat-coat/snowsuit. Eventually you'll acclimatize and start wearing freaking layers.

Because... remember... 
- fitting into the CDCC dress
- going to NY on a plane
     - where you fit in the seats
     - where you can shop at the plus size stores (or smaller)
     - where you can audition and not be rejected based on size.
     - where you have the opportunity to meet and date new people.
- you feel better when you move.
- when you exercise you can have the weekend piece of pizza with friends and not fall off the food wagon.
- you said you'd replace music obsession with health obsession and it's important to keep promises, ESPECIALLY TO YOURSELF.
- if you keep it up you can lose 50lbs reasonably by the end of the semester!

and... 

- getting good grades and passing your classes means graduation.
- Getting away from THIS place.
- Moving on to grown up land.
- starting life after college.
- jump through hoops = get degree.
- degree = better job opportunities in NY.

So frankly dear, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. Keep moving. Keep going. Keep studying. Keep trying.

Big Fat Tough Love,
Nanette