The Job Update...

I got the phone call today while I was out with Jeff (dear dear friend) in Central Park.

I have a job! I start on Monday. Part-time in a nutritionist's office! I'm going to learn so many things there... mostly office related, but I'm sure I'll pick up some health tips along the way (maybe I can share them). I'm not going to give anymore details about where exactly I work for privacy reasons. But yeah... I'M SO EXCITED!!!

Thanks for all your support, guys. Now that I've finally landed something, I'm sure that structure will come back to my weight loss efforts. Set gym times, packing lunches... creating a new "system."

Also, last night, got a good round in at the gym. 30 min cardio + 45 min weights. I ate too much too close to the workout and nearly vomited on the way home.. gotta give that a little more time.

Another bit of good news! Jeff has offered to do a little basic tailoring of my work clothes for me! So I don't have to buy a whole new wardrobe just some essential pieces.

Big Fat EMPLOYED Love,
Nanette

RFSC - Final Post.

Weight
Goal: - 18 lbs (295)
Actual: - 9 lbs (304)

Waist
Goal: - 2"(45")
Actual: - 1.5" (45.5")

NSV
Goal: size 24 pants.
Actual: size 24!!!

And... I packed up my life, sold and trashed the rest, lost a job, quit another, was homeless for 4 days, got a sublet in Brooklyn, lined up a couple interviews, said a thousand good-byes to loved ones AND MOVED 2000 MILES FROM HOME!

Great freakin' challenge results if you ask me.

Big Fat Losin' It Love,
Nanette

NON SCALE VICTORY OF MY LIFE!!!

Guess who just finished her degree this morning.....


Yup...

Life Long Summer Break has begun!

This lady. FREAK YEAH!

Annnnnnd a song about how I feel about it!

Big Fat GRADUATING Love,

Nanette

A Grand List and NSVs

I was reading Lori's Blog today and it just got me all sorts of thinking...   When I get busy, how do I keep this weight loss thing going? How can this be easier? How can I make decisions more effective and helpful for the cause?

These are such important questions for me to address right now... Just about to relocate. I assume there is going to be so much stress. I don't know what my housing/kitchen situation is going to be like. I don't know what kind of budget I'm going to have for groceries. SO much is up in the air right now. But for the sake of having everything I've learned written in one place... here we go.

Nanette's Ultimate List of Making Weight Loss & Life More Manageable

- Make a budget for the month/paycheck. Remember all the monthly bills. Make sure you pay them. It's a stress reducer.
- Make a menu for the week.
- Buy lots of ziploc bags.
- Pre-bake chicken breasts for the week on Sunday, pre bag them.
- Buy veggies. When you get home, immediately wash, chop and bag them so they are easy and quick snacks.
- Make healthy/indulgent trail mix for sweet toothing. (almonds, dried fruit, dark chocolate bits). Pre bag it in single servings for quick munching.
- Have a notebook with quick work out ideas/premade workout plans. separated by time limit and by body part.
- Schedule your week. Be aware of your time and how much of it you spend in front of a computer or sitting. Find even 10 minutes that you can do something active (in 10 min you won't need a long clean up time either).
- Remember that if you put something away from where you got it, you'll spend less time cleaning.
- If you wear comfortable footwear, you're more likely to work out.
- If you have work out clothes that fit, you're more likely to work out.
- Be able to identify when you're whining, making excuses and being obstinate... none of those things help you achieve your goals.
- Spend a little time being grateful. Even if it's on your walk to work, even if it's right before you go to bed... it changes your brain chemistry and thought patterns.
- Don't sacrifice sleep for social life. It will kill all your efforts to reduce stress and lose weight.

And Today's NSV

I wore a dress that I bought ambitiously last year when school started. It is size 26. I was wearing a size 28/30 last august. And the dress looks great... and is actually too big through the chest, back, shoulders and arm scye. For now, I have to dress to my widest point... dear belly... I'll miss you when you're gone. NOT.

Also...   Did a little pampering that I owed myself from hitting the 60lb mark. Got my eyebrows done. I'm a redhead... you other fair and lightly colored people understand what I'm talking about. Wax and tint. :)  Look! I can have facial expressions now!

Aaaaaand... my new trail running shoes came in last week. I took them for a run last night... I definitely need to get my muscles in my feet, ankles and shins to adapt. But they are so comfy and lightweight. I do hereby swear to ONLY USE THEM FOR RUNNING. I've gotta make them last this time. 

Feeling like a champion that I forced myself to go out and run last night though. I was having the beginning of some huge sun migraine from going to a BBQ earlier that afternoon for a couple hours. (it's this ginger thing... gets me every time). But I got off my duff and just did the run. I moved up a level. I'm doing 2x (1.5 min run, 1.5 min walk, 3 min run, 3 min walk). On the cool down I wasn't quite back home so I did two extra 1.5 min runs. Today I'm not feeling nearly as sore as I thought I would be. I'm so excited that I'm adapting... I'm becoming a real runner! slowly, but surely! 

Big Fat NSV and Major List Making Love, 

Nanette

Announcement.

At this time next week. I will have finished my degree.

Just passed off the last of my scales. Debussy. Here. I. Come.

I can do anything good.

P.S. Run cancelled last night, friend came in from out of town and needed a place to crash. Good news, Trainer cancelled HIIT today, so I'm doing my run today instead... and another one tomorrow. MUST BUILD ENDURANCE.

Big Fat DEGREE Love,
Nanette

Food and Good News

I've been struggling with water consumption for Allan's Challenge. I'm supposed to be drinking 160oz. a day. I haven't been forgetting my water bottle... I just haven't been very thirsty. So I wind up not drinking much during the day and then trying to get 3-4 liters in while at work... Which, I've been able to do with a trip to the bathroom every hour. heh!

I've also been eating more carbs this week. I mean... for the first time in weeks I ate a bowl of pasta with pesto. The calories have been in check and I'm still seeing a smaller number than Sunday's weigh in. So I'm not going to be super concerned about it. 

In addition to carbs... it's been fish fish fish! I'm kinda on a salmon kick. Can't get enough. Want it for lunch. Want it for dinner. 

This is a very important diet week as trainer cancelled two work outs this week and I had to take a piano test instead of going to swim today. So I've worked out ONCE this week (don't worry, I have another on on Friday and Saturday). Hence all the long thoughtful posts this week as well. I've got some time to look inward and process. In a way, it's been such a nice break, just a little mix up of the normal routine, let my body recover. 

I would also like to share my excitement with you guys today! I passed the second of 4 piano scale tests! I'm down to the really hard ones... the harmonic minors. Ugh... and two piano pieces. Debussy and Schubert. 

and then... 

I'm done with my degree. 

Part of the internal digging has helped me wade through some of the stress and anxiety over moving. I sat down with my calendar yesterday and wrote down all my bill due dates on the calendar, in addition to all my paydays and set out a financial plan for getting bills paid and still being able to save about $200 a paycheck.

The next step is brushing up my resume so I can send it out in May before I travel out there in June. I want to land a job before I get out there. A fortunate turn of events this week has led to me moving out there at the same time as one of my friends... so instant roommate... and we have a mutual friend out there working in real estate. She's keeping an eye on openings at reasonable prices. She's also thinking of living with us. So hurrah... instantly 2 roommates that I'm familiar with! 

Savings: check

Apartment: check

Job: almost... 

Degree: almost... 

I'm halfway to feeling secure.... I feel like I can breathe again. 

Big Fat 5 year plan Love, 

Nanette

My relationship with food (novella).

I was reading Mir's blog today... she'd talked about the psychological issues between dieters and lasting success. You know, the whole re-evaluate your relationship with food thing.

I am lucky. I am young. Granted, I'm also the fattest person in the E2E challenge. So I'm not sure if that says my "issues" with food are more terrible or aggressive.. etc. But I still consider myself lucky to be attacking these habits before they'd become more engrained.

A lot of where we come from, or how we approach food starts in youth. Mom is a closet eater. Dad was morbidly obese. I have three older brothers who didn't pitfall into obsessive eating patterns. I didn't start packing on the pounds until I was in 5th grade and bodily changes started happening - of course. I started to feel bad for myself, particularly about always being the slow one at tag during recess and I compensated with books, knowledge and a quick tongue.

I earned my own money at a very young age by working for my dad. I would buy my own sweets and mom and dad couldn't regulate that. It was MY money. I always bought in excess and I was usually active enough that I didn't see the results until I stopped growing (vertically). Little Debbies, candy bars, string cheese. I loved to eat them one by one, layer by layer, while reading Rohl Dahl's books about poor unfortunate children overcoming evil parents and victimizing situations.

My brothers would sort of do the same thing. Joe had a padlock on his giant box of goldfish crackers and David had his power bars and Lincoln had Subway. So I guess our backgrounds were more similar than I'd thought. In a way we all struggled with addiction... except for maybe David. Lincoln was a meth addict, Joseph was always neck deep in something REALLY NERDY. Mine was food.

Food was how dad and I bonded. Food was how I made myself feel better. Food was how I distanced myself. Food was how I rewarded myself. Food was my secret indulgence. Food was also DELICIOUS. Food played a lot of roles in my life while growing up.

I really started fattening up when I gave up swimming. I used to spend entire summers in the pool, until I discovered I was a total freak and had a zit on my shoulder and then gave up the swim suit for 8 years.  I gained most of my weight in 8 years. It's incredible to put a number to how long it took me to gain 150+lbs.

During that 8 years our family went through Lincoln dealing with some severe drug problems. Which in turn, became family problems... emotional problems... escapism problems. We went through some family counseling. I only went to two or three sessions and the therapist told me that for having such tumultuous relationships around me and feelings inside, I seemed pretty well adjusted and then he concentrated on Lincoln.

Well-adjusted = being able to step back from a situation to protect myself from experiencing difficult emotions. I had a lot of depressive thoughts and terrible self-esteem. I used food to help create distance. I hid under a fat blanket. My body literally became a barrier between me and the crap in the family, community and school.

Then I escaped to college and the weight gain stopped for about a year. Then started again when school go tough. My instructors got personal and my peers were even more difficult to deal with... Then we start having issues with religion. I nearly quit my degree and then went into counseling.

In counseling we talked about the music department mainly and how I felt trapped and I needed to graduate. Ultimately the conclusion was that I needed to accept accountability for life and decisions. Life is not something that just happens to someone. We are not powerless to control our direction and "destiny."

The counselor tried to talk to me about weight and I went from weepy to fire breathing dragon in mere seconds. I wasn't ready to tame that issue yet. But I'm sure it was apparent that I was fighting my stress with food and inactivity and unhealthy choices. I'm sure that a lot of my stress, anger and feelings of being overwhelmed could have used some good cardio instead of tears.

However, having reached one giant understanding of my unhappiness (that accountability thing) and the end of the semester, I quit counseling. I did two more years of school without murdering my peers or professors. I got more involved in student government. I had some leadership positions. Because if I was going to complain about how things were run, I was going to try and help shape things or understand the system better. I stressed. I ate. I got angry... for two years. Then I finished my senior recital. Gave up my leadership positions. Started working out. Started eating better. Started working 40 hour weeks.

And that's where I am now. I am in control of my life... I am responsible for the decisions I make. PARTICULARLY concerning my body. Food is a my coping mechanism. It's where I turn when I'm angry, stressed, happy, sad, lonely. That's what I'm up against - emotions, really. When I experience emotion, I eat.

Now, I'm much better at keeping my emotions in check and level than I was before. So the temptations happen less. But not experiencing the extremes of my personal emotional roller coaster sometimes doesn't feel like really living. I'm not medicated. I don't think I need to be. I'm pretty good at being my own anti-depressant and sometimes I just need to experience my depression so I can get past it.

Not all of my days are good ones. But that's typical and healthy. Not all of my days are bad ones either.

I've been arguing with myself this week... I'm sad the artistic/angsty part of myself has almost disappeared. It provided me with a lot of good inspiration for art, music, writing... but I can definitely say that I am happier now than I've been since 5th grade.

Sometimes work sucks. Sometimes friends suck. Sometimes the negative blog comments suck. But I can let it go. Maybe not immediately. But I can feel my feelings and release them... instead of shoving them in my mouth (along with calories) and hoping that I can poop them out. heh! This is something to work on for life... and here I am, trying to accept that early before I become even more stuck in my own ways.


Big Fat Where I Come From Love,
Nanette

Ps. If you made it through all that, you get six points. Redeemable for awesome.

When I Look In The Mirror

Okay, so at this time last year I was prepping for my senior recital. I was eating my feelings, practicing like a crazy woman and flying out to NYC to have my dress made (which fell through and I wound up having to just buy one - which was hard). I was probably mid-6th respiratory infection of the school year and being consumed by apathy.

Because of all that... I had measurements done for the dress. And I just found them again. I can't wait to compare.

Basics - feb 17 2011  new number in blue, march 12, 2011

neck - 16.5" 15.5

Chest - 53.5" 50.

Chest w Breath - 54.25" 51.5

Underbust - 51" 43" (I'm pretty sure that it was taken over a shirt or something the first time)

Waist - 53"47.5

underwaist - 66.5" 58

hips 63.25" 62

Total inches lost: 27.75 

The measurements were taken 2 months before the recital. So by that time I was even larger... and larger and larger until May when I stopped getting bigger and maintained for a while before weaning things like corn syrup and aspartame out of the diet - then doing a juice reboot. 

There are days when I feel like I am just as fat as before. There are also days when I can tell certain things are changing... Like I KNOW my thighs are getting slimmer and I'm losing that weird fat rainbow above my butt and down my hips. And I know that no matter what happens, I'm probably not going to be a huge wearer of bikinis, or taut, or a hard body because of skin issues. 

The days I feel just as fat as before, I notice how the loose skin around my thighs wobbles more than when it was pulled tight with fat. I notice that while the inches are changing, it's just like gravity is pulling down on all my fat. I still have to be conscientious about how long my shirts are in front... 

Then I have a day like today when I realize that shaving my armpits was easier because I can see them better, or that I can wear necklaces that I previously couldn't because of neck fat, or that I'm beginning to get calf definition - and more than just a suggestion of it. 

I was looking at a progress photo (too naked to share) this week and I can tell I'm getting smaller... I also couldn't help comparing myself to a Salvador Dali painting... I looked melty and like i'm deflating. AKA: NOT SEXY. And I get it. I did this to me. Skin takes a while to bring in. Tone as you go. I'm trying to keep my chin up. I'm a body in transition. Gotta be patient. Though, I'll tell you what, under this fat suit, I'm ripped. The interval training I've been doing has me very aware of how much muscle I actually DO have. 

My dad was really excited about my progress this week. I'm proud of him as well. He's able to move so much better than before. He's able to put on his own braces. Get up and around. He can get himself up off the floor when he falls (didn't see that), but he's capable. He's trying to move more. I can see that he doesn't really want to. He doesn't like doing the exercises. They cause him pain. But he sees the results, he's able to do more than lay in a bed while doing word finds and reposting his latest ultra conservative finds on facebook. I'm so happy that he's getting some of his mobility back and that his quality of life is improving. 

After the fattitude post, rettakat mentioned some of the regret she's had and how she chooses to be happy every day. I talked to my dad about that. I asked him "Do you regret not losing weight sooner?" 

"No. I regret letting myself ever get that big. I've done damage to my joints and nerves that I can never undo by allowing myself to get that large." He followed that with a lot of supportive talk about my own weight loss and that he hopes I can keep my fire for it burning. 

Well, I can and will. My recital dress is too big now. I imagine it's going to be my fat item of clothing that I hang onto. You know... the before and after photos with the person standing in one leg of their pants... that will be the dress. 

Filling it out. 

Today. You'd never guess this was tailored. 

Big Fat Body Image Love, 

Nanette

E2E Check in - midway!

Weight: 317 (-4lbs) 

Waist: 48" (-0") 

Food: 6/8 under 1950 (MFP caloric suggestion) 

Water: 4/7 over 100 oz

Exercise: 3/4 days. 

Partner: I think Eaba has been doing okay. She checked in with me yesterday. We're both on track. 

Support: Been commenting all week. 

I have been SO TERRIBLE at consistency this week... Let's just look at the calories.
Friday:          1,259
Saturday:      1,973
Sunday:        1,005
Monday:         901
Tuesday:      2,153
Wednesday: 1,085
Thursday:    1,918
Friday:         1,159

It looks like overcorrecting. What each day has in common is that I ate six times a day. I ate out on Valentine's Day. I ate out on Thursday. I don't know what the crap happened monday, but I think it was a vegetarian day. I ate a LOT, but just not much in calories.

I'm still under the weather... my tonsils are swelling up (not unusual, but annoying) and I feel like a puffy monster. Could it be all the alka seltzer I had yesterday? Those things are 400mg of sodium a packet. Learning experiences. Found out when I entered it on MFP yesterday... 4 times. It skyrocketed me over my daily limit of sodium - which is one of my hardest nutrients to keep in control.

Okay now that the self flagellation is over. I can celebrate, again, that I finally crossed the 50lb mark! WOOO!!! Crossed and then some. Sitting pretty at -51 total lbs. I can't wait for it to be -55 at the end of next week. (Though I suspect rough times ahead - nearing the commie invasion/TOM).

January 325

February 317

Cool thing about these photos, I've moved down a full size work out pant. (you can see lower fat better that way). I don't see much difference in these photos... which is a little disheartening, but the real show is when the challenge is over. 


What I'm noticing in my body lately is that my sides and back are kinda smoothing out. I'm getting more loose skin everywhere and my stretch marks are relaxing... (aka, not stretched anymore). However, I notice that I'm feeling like a sag monster from outer space. I've been thinking a lot about how I'm probably going to need skin reduction in another 100lbs or so. 


I keep telling myself that, even since the beginning of the challenge, "oh just another 100lbs or so." I'm already down fifty... but the goal is still 100lbs away. I just know I wouldn't be happy with stopping at 268. I could easily get down into the 190's - or lower. 


Another good thing... I told myself that I would start doing certain types of exercise (jumping, running, pushups) when I got out of my 300's because I'm terrified of injury, I worry running/gravitational exercise will pull down on my skin and make it worse, and because I hate the sound fat makes when it hits other fat. Well, here's the thing. I'm over 300lbs and been running. Been jumping, been doing pushups. And let me tell you, If I didn't, I probably wouldn't be this close to getting out of the 300's. 


Quote: This is not a commitment to a challenge or a diet plan. This is a commitment to your body and a commitment to lifestyle change. This a commitment to a healthier tomorrow.


This Week:

Food: Under 1700 calories every day. EVERY DAY. Follow the menu.

Exercise
Saturday: Rest/Sick Day continues
Sunday: Go on a walk! 
Monday: OFF - do stretches. 
Tuesday: Trainer + swim class.
Wednesday: Trainer
Thursday: Swim class + trainer
Friday: OFF - do stretches. 

non-fat goals
finish two more books.
budget this week's paycheck better. 
do something artistic.
get better. 

Big Fat -51LB Love,
Nanette

Trying things on...

So I pulled a dress out of my closet that I haven't fit into since high school. It's a size 20. I'm a size 28... still, at least I think I'm a size 28 still. Maybe 26? Anyway...   I tried it on. I remember it making me uncomfortable in high school because I was a 22 and I COULD NEVER fit into a size 20. Well... here's size 28 me, squeezing into and man, did it make me laugh. However, this is an improvement. I couldn't get it over my big ol' belly last time. I'm hoping that I can wear this by the time I get to NY. It's my PCDCC - post Christmas dress countdown challenge. Thank God for stretchy fabric!

 Since I'm so large, it's hard for me to see or feel my progress. I've borrowed a few ideas from fellow bloggers and other partners in weightloss.

One of them is a pair of glasses. I've measured out how much weight I would have to lose to get to 210 - my goal for now. Whenever I lose a pound, I get to take from the fat glass and put it into the skinny glass. I'd probably have a better perspective of the weightloss if they were the same shape. But I like that the coke class has more of a waist. Like me. :)



The other method I'm using came from one of the fellow CDCC-ers, Jillian.  P.s. her blog is super amazing, so funny, insightful and young. Shout out! :) Anyway... I'm the queen of office supplies. I've got a plastic tote full of super stick post-it notes. Since the NY move is coming up, what better way to use them. Each post it represents a pound...   Which I personally choose to have written in BIG BOLD BLACK NUMBERS. It keeps me honest and super humble whenever I have company as I live in a studio. It's visible from every angle in the apartment.

This week I took off the last two lbs of the 4th row and decided I needed to get more of those babies posted. I'm so excited to have those orange ones disappear. When I'm out of the orange I'll have lost 62 lbs. I kinda wish I'd planned it better so that would be a significant and lovely round number. But alas, this is the way of my people. I am 14 lbs away from a 50lb loss! Just keep swimming!!!

 I was also having a lot of fun with photo booth on my macbook before heading to class and work today.




In other news, I've been working really hard at my Music Clerk job - aka program master of the universe. I'm making programs for a high school invitational that I've run the last couple of years. This year, I handed it over to the new choir president. I'm not a mother. But the invitational is my baby. And this new president is proving himself less than capable. It's killing me - I know, hyperbolic. I want it to run well. It's the biggest community choral outreach we have as a university. It represents the music department and our students at the university level. We bring in a reputable guest conductor and he puts these 300-500 high schoolers together into a mass choir. It's a great unifying experience having that many people working for the same goal. I had the university choir director call and ask me questions today. Details. Loose ends. It's SO NICE TO BE MISSED. It makes me feel so capable.

Big Fat Accomplished Love,
Nanette