When faced with a choice in the moment, I'm the kind of person who finds the quickest, easiest route. I know I have to make decisions for myself before hand in order to like what I'm doing and to make hard things easier. Like I commit to 7 work outs a week. I commit to 1900 calories a day.
1900 calories can be a lot of garbage. 1900 calories can be a LOT of veggies. 1900 calories can sometimes not feel like enough.
Halloween came and went just fine. The birthday was much harder. This last weekend, EVERYONE wanted to take me out for dinner/lunch/FOOD. Not because they see piggy fat Nanette and think she only likes food, but because food is associated so closely with socializing and good conversations. Think about it. When else are you sitting directly across from someone for an hour with nothing else to distract you (phone, TV, computer)? I did pretty well to avoid the crap traps like fried foods. However, I'm still feeling a little guilt about not knowing how half the stuff is prepared and definitely eating more than just a single portion in a sitting.
Things like this just make daily eating harder. It makes it easy to get out of the habit of cooking meals, doing dishes, remembering to shop, not letting the produce in your fridge go to rot. It changes the cravings. It's a literal board game and when you draw the "give in" card you must go back 3 spaces. 3 spaces away from the healthy haven... back to the craving caves.
I had a good conversation with my friend Holly last week sometime though. When we spend time together she sometimes feels bad about herself. She's overweight. She sees that I'm doing something. She wants to do stuff to lose and feel good too. She said she feels short motivation, but nothing lasting. I invited her to go to my gym, she's alumni, she can get a university pass. She's paying for a gym elsewhere already though. We discussed it for a while and she didn't commit to a time or date. Her brother recently lost 100lbs last year.
"Formerly fat people have a different view of fun." Says Holly.
"What do you mean? Like they have less? Or they're living life with new enthusiasm?"
"No... It's just, they turn out more intense."
"Intense about what? Intense emotionally? Physically?"
"They get less nice."
"Have I gotten less nice?"
"No, but you've always been kinda sassy."
"Oh God, maybe that means I'll turn into a super bitch."
Then we laughed about it. But I know this is a serious concern. It's something I thought for a very long time. I've watched a lot of my friends lose weight. They talk about food and guilt and exercise and healthy alternatives ALL THE TIME. They're hungry and the tempers are shorter. They get more aggressive in social and romantic situations. Eventually they become skinny people and lose some of what made them THEM.
I say "they" because I'm trying to fight being one. One of my big fears that surfaced over some of these fat years is that I'm afraid to become meaner, or less funny, or less nice. I'd love to say it's unfounded. But it's not. Dad did it. Trent did it. Chris did it. Mandi did it. Crystal did it. etc etc. Body chemistry changes. How you feel about yourself and your body changes. BEHAVIORS change.
I'm starting to understand from the other end though. I talk about food and guilt and exercise all the time because I HAVE TO. It is in the forefront of my mind. I concentrate on it constantly because I HAVE TO in order to reach my goal. I hope to be on a road to making healthy choices a habit. But until that happens I have to obsess.
I see my temper fuse shorten. EVEN SHORTER THAN IT ALREADY IS. I've taken to just disappearing into my classes, school work, visual journaling... because I know I need time for my body to adjust to the new levels of food and activity. I also need time to remaster my ability to keep myself under control.
I've been more aggressive in social situations. I don't think it's been out of character though. It's my 7th year of school and I am grumpy about that as well as chemical and weight shifting.
I've been more aggressive in romantic situations... and that's NOT bad. ;)
The definition of fun is changing for me. Dancing is fun. Moving is fun. Going on a walk/bike ride is fun. Eating is still fun, but there's more to life than sitting. There are more ways to share our time than sitting and consuming.
Maybe I can help Holly see it. Maybe I can put this into words. Maybe it will take time for her to reach her own conclusions about health. I can't make decisions for her. It's just hard to see her want something and not be able to provide, give, or buy it for her.
I'm certainly no Muhammad of weight loss. It's coming off and staying off (If I have any say about it). It would be really nice to help another person along with their goal though. I've had so much help with my own. She deserves that too.
Big Fat Friendly Love,
Nanette
