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Thursday, December 13, 2012

A Lost Fat Soul...

I'm a wandering lost fat soul.

I've gained a little. Crossed the threshold back into the 300's. I've been consistently fluctuating for the past month between 299 and 308. It's hard for my to type that. I feel like I have to eat my words and I'm chastising myself with that inner health zealot. I should be. I'm being a Fatty McGoo. I'm eating pizza. I'm eating stuff from the fancy bakery around the corner at work. I am starving myself for the day and then bingeing when I get home.
This is keeping me going for now. 

I make excuses like...

I don't have time to eat.
It's too expensive to order a salad to the office.
I don't want to spend that much on freaking LETTUCE.
I can't leave the desk unattended.
I don't have time to shop, let alone pack a lunch.

Then I say pathetic things like...

I haven't eaten all day!
I'm STARVING.
I'm too tired to cook.
Don't judge me, I'm eating another one.
But I'm maintaining.
This is cheaper/easier/tastier.

Truth is, I'm pretty unhealthy right now. I haven't properly worked out in about a month. My motivation has taken a temporary (hopefully) leave of absence. The last time I ate a vegetable was in a chicken pot pie last night. Before that, it was mushrooms on a pizza. I think you get the idea.

It's not a surprise that I'm sick. Back to the respiratory infections. I mean, this isn't pneumonia, or bronchitis, like I've had before. It's just a head cold. I feel like it's a warning shot from my body. "Come on, Nanette. Get your shit together or this will be one miserable winter."

I miss my old trainer, Sarah. She did so much to help me and keep me health focused. She did a whole lot of believing in me and being supportive in a positive but challenging way. I was also in such a different place in Idaho. A job that allowed me to do a lot of health research and blog and paid enough that I didn't have to have a whole lot of jobs, free time, a bitterness towards being overlooked for being fat, such a network of great supportive friends and a calmness about spending time alone (instead of loneliness, bc the network is there). It was a perfect storm for my weight loss at that moment.

I wish I knew what would inspire me. If I did, I'd ask for it. I'd find it. But for right now, I just keep searching. Keep trying to re-create that perfect storm. In the meanwhile... I'm still making menus, shopping, then messing it all up by going out. I'm still writing down what I ate for the first half of the day and then forgetting about it entirely when I get to work or when I get home from work or when I'm out dating.

I know this isn't the most motivating post. Pretty negative actually. But this is what's happening in the Fat Times of Nanette. And I think it's pretty important to document this too.

How do I make health my hobby again? When you've fallen off, taken a break, leave of absence, AWOL... how did you get back into the swing? What motivated you?

Big Fat *sigh* Love,
Nanette

8 comments:

  1. It sounds like you are in a rut. It's hard to get back on the wagon when there's been a break but it's not impossible. What I normally do is set realistic goals and to-dos for the day. I plan ahead my meals. Baby steps to get back into your old routine.

    Good luck with everything!

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  2. It sounds like you are waiting for everything to be perfect and THEN you will lose weight. Stop the diet mentality and make some lifestyle changes. The first two I would suggest and the first two that I did are to stop eating sugar and drink 8 glasses (minimum) a day. Just concentrate on that for a couple of weeks and then start cutting carbs. I only tracked my carbs (50-100 a day) for a short time and then I knew what to do. You are facing it through this blog post but you get no slack :-) Stop being self-destructive and change your life for good for your health not to lose weight. You can get back to exercising in a bit. I encourage you to just pick yourself up and get serious. You know what to do. Best wishes.

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  3. I am starting to get back into the swing of things tomorrow. I think the crowning moment with me was when I put on last years winter coat and it didn't fit. It is almost brand new and it too tight to even close around me. I was seriously bummed. I've decided enough is enough. I wish you the best, Nanette.

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  4. Nanette you know what to do. Put the fork down and do not pick up the spoon. Move your body. Drink your water. Go back to the basics. Tough love for yourself.

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  5. Start with one thing - just one, such as walking 20 minutes a day or not eating any sugar etc. or not going above 1500 calories/day - and then as you get into that habit, add something else. Don't focus on the negative. Choose something that you know you can do and do it. Stick to it. Then move to the next goal. You can do this!

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  6. Quit it witch! Quit making fucking excuses. What are you doing? You made this blog commitment. We all all watching you. You are an awesome communicator. A tall beautiful red head. So here you are you set a course and you created a blog comradery...then you spoon us out the schpeel we are all so familiar with. All your words are a speech/ language we all know. We all have been there and it fucking sucks. Shut the fuck up and do it. Don't quit. Don't post bullshit ( been there). There is nothing wrong with that ISU educated brain. Don't lie and don't deny and don't give up. You want this. Don't give up.Did this slap you in the face? Cuz please we all need it when we go there. You know go there to la la land and go off course? Slap slap slap. I know you girl...you have such power. And as I tell all my female cohorts in life- GIRL POWER.

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  7. I love these comments. Your post could have been written by me. I feel exactly the same way and am really struggling. I've gained 8 lbs, since my lowest and I KNOW I have to do something before it goes any further. So let's stop making excuses together and just DO IT! Eat less, drink lots of water and exercise. VERY simple, yet effective. We can do it!

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  8. I think it is just one postive choice at a time. Don't get down on yourself for the bad choices. One small step in the right direction is worth it. Get it girl!

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