I've gained a little. Crossed the threshold back into the 300's. I've been consistently fluctuating for the past month between 299 and 308. It's hard for my to type that. I feel like I have to eat my words and I'm chastising myself with that inner health zealot. I should be. I'm being a Fatty McGoo. I'm eating pizza. I'm eating stuff from the fancy bakery around the corner at work. I am starving myself for the day and then bingeing when I get home.
|This is keeping me going for now.|
I make excuses like...
I don't have time to eat.
It's too expensive to order a salad to the office.
I don't want to spend that much on freaking LETTUCE.
I can't leave the desk unattended.
I don't have time to shop, let alone pack a lunch.
Then I say pathetic things like...
I haven't eaten all day!
I'm too tired to cook.
Don't judge me, I'm eating another one.
But I'm maintaining.
This is cheaper/easier/tastier.
Truth is, I'm pretty unhealthy right now. I haven't properly worked out in about a month. My motivation has taken a temporary (hopefully) leave of absence. The last time I ate a vegetable was in a chicken pot pie last night. Before that, it was mushrooms on a pizza. I think you get the idea.
It's not a surprise that I'm sick. Back to the respiratory infections. I mean, this isn't pneumonia, or bronchitis, like I've had before. It's just a head cold. I feel like it's a warning shot from my body. "Come on, Nanette. Get your shit together or this will be one miserable winter."
I miss my old trainer, Sarah. She did so much to help me and keep me health focused. She did a whole lot of believing in me and being supportive in a positive but challenging way. I was also in such a different place in Idaho. A job that allowed me to do a lot of health research and blog and paid enough that I didn't have to have a whole lot of jobs, free time, a bitterness towards being overlooked for being fat, such a network of great supportive friends and a calmness about spending time alone (instead of loneliness, bc the network is there). It was a perfect storm for my weight loss at that moment.
I wish I knew what would inspire me. If I did, I'd ask for it. I'd find it. But for right now, I just keep searching. Keep trying to re-create that perfect storm. In the meanwhile... I'm still making menus, shopping, then messing it all up by going out. I'm still writing down what I ate for the first half of the day and then forgetting about it entirely when I get to work or when I get home from work or when I'm out dating.
I know this isn't the most motivating post. Pretty negative actually. But this is what's happening in the Fat Times of Nanette. And I think it's pretty important to document this too.
How do I make health my hobby again? When you've fallen off, taken a break, leave of absence, AWOL... how did you get back into the swing? What motivated you?
Big Fat *sigh* Love,