Friday, July 29, 2011

Day 4

Yesterday was SO much better as far as cravings go. I think I'm finally regaining control of my thought patterns. The difficulty was battling fatigue. It's the most tired I've felt yet. On some occasions yesterday I was straight up light-headed. So I took a nap (seems to be the best survival method for me).

I had a second date with the same gentleman, Tommy... We went to see Mr. Popper's Penguins. Now, I hate movie dates. I'm a wide person. I'm a tall person. Which is to the dismay of many a date. It's easy to put an arm around a tiny woman. It's harder to put a move on a bigger gal. Logistically it's just more uncomfortable. I'd have to scootch down in my seat at an odd angle in order to find a comfortable arm position for him... or he'd have to sit kind of uncomfortably. Either way, one of us loses. Luckily, he didn't try anything last night. I watched him try and convince himself to... but he didn't. Which is good... I'm not sure if I'd want him to try anything at this point. Just be on your best behavior, sir.

In the process of getting ready for the date, I was trying on some different clothing...   and it turns out that it's fitting a little differently. Only a little at this point. Less belly is getting in the way of the length of shirts, and tightness of pants. Downside, might be losing a little boob too. :( Just don't sag. Just don't sag...   repeat it with me...   JUST DON'T SAG! 

But again, getting out of the house in the evening proved to be very beneficial. I got home. Made a mini fruit juice (8oz or so) of strawberry, grape and apple juice and went to bed early. Here's to tomorrow. Here's to better fitting clothes. Here's to less awkward dates.

I'll Juice To That,

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Day 3...

I'm finding that it's easier to stay focused and stay on track if I'm busy. So I'm really glad I didn't wait until the weekend to start this. Fatigue is an issue. I've been napping like a champion after work. Which is good... any time I'm tired or unconscious at least I'm not craving or thinking about food. 

I was talking with a dear friend about this last night. He took me on a drive just to get me away from my brain and my house. I really feel like I don't think about food this much. It's like because I'm not giving into the cravings, my body is sending more to remind me. However, if one eats every time one craves something it's a guaranteed trip to fatty-hood.  So this is me telling my body, "NO." It is retraining. It is difficult. It is a food addiction. 

The patterns I'm seeing is that I want food in the afternoon... and I want food when I'm bored... and I want food when I'm procrastinating. I definitely need to preoccupy my brain... 

So I went on a date last night. His name is Tommy... he's a zoology major, recently divorced (sounds like he's looking for rebounding). Nice enough guy. It was an interesting conversation. A lovely distraction from the current state of brain. We went for coffee (because where there's coffee, there's herbal tea)! He neglected to tell me that he doesn't particularly care for coffee, ah, the date was off on the right foot. Anyway... We only spent an hour and a half talking, then went our separate ways. Always leave them wanting more. A woman of intrigue can't give away all of her secrets on the first date! duh!!! 

If I can get passed "dinner time" the rest of this week, I'm sure I'll have this a bit more under control. Here's to trying real hard between 3pm - 7pm. 

I'll Juice to That! 

Next goal: Night walks. Getting in an additional 60 min of walking 4 days a week. Starting on Monday. Day 7. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Day Two

So I woke up and juiced a morning fruity drink, packed up a veggie drink and set off for the day. Seemed like it would be enough... WRONG. I got hungry around 2pm and was stuck at work until 5. I didn't give in though. I walked to and from meetings, past the pizza place, past the sandwich place, past the vending machines... or course... whilst sipping down water. The water might not be filling, but it's been essential in dealing with cravings.

I had a dental visit mid-day. Just out of curiosity I had them take my blood pressure. I was pretty astonished to see how high it was: 169/92. They asked me if I normally had high blood pressure. I don't. I really don't. usually it's so low that the docs are hesitant to let me take beta-blockers (performance anxiety meds). I dont' know what this is all about, but me thinks I need to start integrating physical activity and soon! Though It  think it would be smarter to wait until I get that energy boost people have been talking about.

Today has been a full day of thinking about food though... I thought I had better control of myself. Cravings happen in waves... knowing I can grab a slice of bread and not have to tell you about it. But ultimately, the other side of my brain hops in and says, "Why, Why do you want to eat? Why do you need that?" Then come hunger waves in addition to craving waves...   and I retaliate, "well, why? I'll tell you why, because you're starving yourself."

Now... let's be objective. Today I have consumed:

  • 2 tomatoes 
  • half a thing of celery
  • a cucumber
  • a lime
  • 3 carrots
  • 3 nectarines
  • 2 apples
  • a pear
  • spinach
  • kale
  • ginger
  • garlic
  • cilantro
  • parsley
  • strawberries
  • blueberries
  • banana

and I haven't even had my last juice yet! I don't think I could eat that much over the course of the day and still feel the need for more. You're not starving, Nanette. You're in the habit of stuffing your face every time you even THINK of food. Stop it. You can do better. There are new dresses to be worn, fancy shoes to buy, airplane seats to be filled, new ways of thinking, and the promise of new found energy waiting for you. A little cheat... who'd know? YOU WOULD. It might not send you flying off the reboot wagon, but it's surrendering to the inability to control yourself.

To being the master of our domains!
I'll Juice To That,

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

An Introduction - Day One. PG-13


I'm fat. I've been fat for as long as I can remember. Even when I was younger and I wasn't ACTUALLY fat, I thought I was fat. I had brothers, dance teachers, peers and other family who told me I was fat. I believed them and gave up VERY early on being healthy.

My father, at his heaviest, was 658lbs. He loved to treat us to ice cream, pizza, hamburgers and other things that are very tasty. If we would bring them home, he would pay for it. He loves TV, computer games, talking and learning about his kids. He is an excellent listener and for this reason, he was definitely the favored parent, at least in my case. Over time I've definitely picked up a lot of his bad habits. Mom always had fresh veggies cut in the kitchen and went running/walking/biking every morning with her jogging partner. It was an example that I didn't follow.

I had a job at 12 working for my dad. I would use my tiny paychecks to buy candy or cookies. I quickly became a closet eater. And having been self-conscious about being fat at such a young age, I came up with a list of fat rules like...

  1. Always get in the car first or last... so they don't notice how much it sinks when you get in. 
  2. Always wear sleeves... No cap sleeves, or tank tops... even with a swimsuit, wear a t-shirt. 
  3. Never let them see you eat...
  4. Never talk about food... Not even if they ask your opinion about where to go for dinner. 
  5. Do whatever you can to not jiggle or wobble... no running, no jumping
  6. Do whatever you can to not sweat... fat people sweat. 

I did a lot of reading. I did a lot of theater (pretending I was someone else)... I tried a lot of different activities, like dance, track, girl scouts - moving slowly to more sedentary activities - piano, violin, reading, yearbook, newspaper.

Throw in a dash of angsty teenager who doesn't fit in with extremely conservative peers, a poor self image, no tools to cope with my internal issues and WHAM! you have morbidly obese young adult and growing.

I am not much of a dieter. I don't like to concentrate on what I can't eat... However, I've made small efforts throughout the past few years to be healthy. Limited soda, no coffee, swim class, no car/walking everywhere and better quality sleep.

As a college student, it just seems like convenience has been key to survival. College is ending now... and I had it brought quite frankly to my attention (and this is something I've heard from every voice teacher I've ever had)... "Honestly, if you go to an audition, you may be dismissed on size alone. That doesn't need to count against you." So I guess it's time to get the healthy train moving.

Anyway...   this is the beginning of change. In addition to my dad's recent hospitalization and weight loss, I saw the movie Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. I'm trying a 60 day juice fast in efforts to drop some of this excess weight I'm hauling around. If you've seen it, the bowling ball image really hit me... I'm hauling around enough bowling balls to supply an entire bowling alley!

Here's the jumping point... Day one was yesterday, so this blog will be one day off...   a recollective blog.

Physical state...

60oz juice, 110oz water. No head aches. Just fatigue and a whole lot of peeing.
368 lbs to start. 128/92 blood pressure.

Mental state...

I love my body. I am a confident, sexy woman. I am a fat, sexy woman. I would like to be a healthy, sexy woman. Healthy doesn't mean thin to me. Healthy means healthy. This body is my vehicle for experiencing joy, food, affection, fun... LIFE. The healthier I am, the more life I can enjoy. I miss roller coasters. I want to not be the fat person that people don't want to sit next to on planes. I want to be a firecracker on stage that people can't say "no" to hiring. I don't want to have to wear costumes that are thrown together or that don't fit because they don't know how to costume a size 28 woman.

Here's to grabbing life by the balls... Here's to living to the fullest... Here's to Juice Day number One. Here's to loving ourselves and making decisions for a healthier us.

I'll Juice To That,
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