Saturday, October 29, 2011


Weight: 329 (-3)
Water: 4/7 100oz
Food: under 1900 6/7
Exercise: 3/7

I'm really surprised to see that much lower of a number when I haven't been able to exercise as much. But I've been very particular about food this week. It's a lovely surprise.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


Ever have those moments when you catch yourself reacting to your imagination/thoughts? And you realize how deep you were in your head? I just caught myself grinning like a fool while staring at my desk phone having an imaginary conversation with J. Dumb. heh.

Feeling much better. The tonsils are slowly returning to normal... very slowly. But I've got another 4 days of antibiotics. I'm so glad that I don't have to take time off from everything. Plus side, breathing & swallowing. Down side, these things are kind of mean to your tummy, pooper and girly parts.

I skipped swimming because of the girlie parts bit and told myself I'd catch up on exercise with my dance class. Dance class was canceled. So now I owe myself DOUBLE. ugh. I'm slowly trying to get back into the hardcore 7x a week workouts. The sick thing has knocked me out. Take the wind from my sails, swallowed it and farted it back in my face.

On the other hand, I've been very good with food this week. I'm back to solid foods. I can eat! AND I found this little health store here that sells lots of gluten free and happiness. Ice cream that won't beat you over the head with sugar and calories. Bread that doesn't weigh you down. Pre-homemade and vacuum packed potato crusted fish fillets - different sorts, homemade gluten free pastas, low calorie, low sugar, low fat snacks and meal fix-ins made from organic ingredients. It's like the willy wonka of health food.

Big Fat Feeling Better Love,
p.s terrified of the weigh in on Thursday. eating well, but less movement = probably not good.

p. p. s. Had someone who hasn't seen me since July tell me that I'm looking really great and that it's apparent that I'm losing weight. YAY! VALIDATION!

Friday, October 21, 2011


BAD week.

Weigh in: 332 (+1)
Work outs: 2/7
Food: under 1900 calories 3/7
Book: no further.

Doctors visits: 3. I've got an awesome tonsil infection. We're throwing around the word surgery. But nothing is official yet. I'm kinda terrified because I don't know what it'll do to my voice - since that's the chosen area of study and what not. On the plus side, I had them pull blood for the standard health examination. Diabetes, thyroid, cholesterol, lipids, etc. It's the first time I've dared see the results.

In the meanwhile, I'm mainly on liquids - yes, I managed to go over calorie limit while just on liquids yesterday. Gotta calm down on the juices. More water and tea.

Things are calming down a little. Swallowing and breathing are getting easier. Post nasal drip has calmed down. I'm going swimming tomorrow. I've given myself 3 days of down time. I'm going CRAZY staying in all this time.

Big Fat Sicky Love,

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


There's a theme today. It's trigger food and taking "breaks." I am severely regretting not counting calories this weekend. With the new boy saying "stay fat," I've enlisted another friend in the fat fight. Brittany is my cohort in dining. We go out and try to help each other get healthy items. We know that we're watching what one another eats. Last night we made pact to not spend any money on going out for the week. ENTIRE WEEK. Wednesday to Wednesday. We will only cook.

Eating out kills me. I know I will only have good food in my house because it's been shit proofed. There's no sugar, no white flour, no ingredients I can't pronounce...   (at least, now that I've figured out how to say quinoa {keen-wa}). I sat down with my notebook and roughly planned out the week's food, and roughly planned out the groceries.

J texted today and told me he was out for lunch at a burger joint we'd visited. I was eating apple slices with peanut butter and yellow squash. It was a great realization... He's enjoying his food. I would be enjoying that too. However, I'm really enjoying what I have in front of me as well... AND I'm getting nutrition. Because, while this whole thing is about a smaller number on the scale, it's about health. NUTRITION.

I'm trying to understand how to remotivate myself. Because after giving in, I'm feeling like I have to start over. I know I can do it... I need to get my brain and body wanting the same things again though. NUTRITION may be the key this time. Dear other diet friend, Trent, is always asking "how much of the rainbow did you eat today?" I love that he's so supportive and helpful that way. Today I got the yellows, greens, reds and a LITTLE bit of purple/blue. Tomorrow I look forward to seeing what other colors I can eat.

Re-focused, re-centered, ready to eat a rainbow.

Big Fat Love,

Monday, October 17, 2011

The expansion...

Okay... well, I did really well last week with food and exercise and then the weekend happened. I let loose and for the first time since the challenge began missed 2 days of calorie counting. I had a burger one day, pizza another - again, a social situation. Both were on dates with a fine young gentleman. Even worse, in addition to the bad food choices, I had to skip dance class to go on a field trip for my voice ped class.

It was nice to take a step back. Though bad decisions were made, I can feel the affect on my body. And from that I can learn. I could see my body retaining water. I could feel my slowness and grogginess hitting. I had a coffee with him one morning too... first time I've had coffee/caffeine of any sort since May. I got anxious, sweaty and hit a terrible tiring crash MID-DATE! Horrible. I'm ready to return to my good habits... and a reliable internet connection so I can log into myfitnesspal.

The date was interesting... We shall call him J. J likes big women. J knows I'm working on becoming less of a big woman. J doesn't like it. I told him tough shit. I'm not losing weight to be twiggy or attractive. I know I'm attractive at this size. I'm losing weight to keep from getting diabetes or at least postpone as long as possible. I'm trying not to die of heart disease. I'm trying not to have to replace my knees/ankles/joints. I'm trying not to suffer from arthritis or wear away cartilage. He understands I do it for health. But he wanted me to understand that he thinks I'm attractive right now. I'm sad he finds it difficult to get behind my decision. I'm not changing my mind. He also second guesses my NYC plans. Again, I'm not changing my mind. Before we all jump on the "you need a man that supports your decisions and will stand beside you always" speech....   I'm moving. This might be short lived. I like him in EVERY other aspect. It's nice to feel sexy as is right now. I can have that and be moving down the scale. He knows that I'm not going to stop. I'm like that. Bullheaded, goal-oriented and determined to get exactly what I want.

So J might be a reoccurring theme. Yes. It is going to be very hard to lose weight with an active participator against it. Yes. He knows this is going to be a subject of oft butting heads. Yes. This might be a good thing too, to have someone to push against. I'm a naturally contrary person. Maybe I can work it in my favor. In the meanwhile, it's nice to be dating. It's nice to have romance and affection. Connecting with a significant other, while only slightly different than a best best best friend, is still an important connection to have. Again, save the "strong independent women don't need men to validate them" speech.

I am a strong independent woman. He's a strong independent man. And I like that I found an equal when it comes to arguing. heh.

Big Fat Newly Involved Love,

P.s. Midterms went well...   Grades are passed out this week.
P.p.s.  Goals...
- Drink 100 oz of water a day.
- Eat carefully, under 1900 a day.
- Get 7 hrs of exercise in.
- Get to the halfway point with Skinny Bitch.
- Budget better. For reals.

Friday, October 14, 2011


weigh in!!!!  

bigger blog this weekend

Weigh in: 331 (-2)
water: 100 oz 3/7 days.
food: under 1900 5/7
book: Skinny Bitch... no further...   it's been midterms.

Big fat love,

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Trying things on...

So I pulled a dress out of my closet that I haven't fit into since high school. It's a size 20. I'm a size 28... still, at least I think I'm a size 28 still. Maybe 26? Anyway...   I tried it on. I remember it making me uncomfortable in high school because I was a 22 and I COULD NEVER fit into a size 20. Well... here's size 28 me, squeezing into and man, did it make me laugh. However, this is an improvement. I couldn't get it over my big ol' belly last time. I'm hoping that I can wear this by the time I get to NY. It's my PCDCC - post Christmas dress countdown challenge. Thank God for stretchy fabric!
 Since I'm so large, it's hard for me to see or feel my progress. I've borrowed a few ideas from fellow bloggers and other partners in weightloss.

One of them is a pair of glasses. I've measured out how much weight I would have to lose to get to 210 - my goal for now. Whenever I lose a pound, I get to take from the fat glass and put it into the skinny glass. I'd probably have a better perspective of the weightloss if they were the same shape. But I like that the coke class has more of a waist. Like me. :)

The other method I'm using came from one of the fellow CDCC-ers, Jillian.  P.s. her blog is super amazing, so funny, insightful and young. Shout out! :) Anyway... I'm the queen of office supplies. I've got a plastic tote full of super stick post-it notes. Since the NY move is coming up, what better way to use them. Each post it represents a pound...   Which I personally choose to have written in BIG BOLD BLACK NUMBERS. It keeps me honest and super humble whenever I have company as I live in a studio. It's visible from every angle in the apartment.

This week I took off the last two lbs of the 4th row and decided I needed to get more of those babies posted. I'm so excited to have those orange ones disappear. When I'm out of the orange I'll have lost 62 lbs. I kinda wish I'd planned it better so that would be a significant and lovely round number. But alas, this is the way of my people. I am 14 lbs away from a 50lb loss! Just keep swimming!!!

 I was also having a lot of fun with photo booth on my macbook before heading to class and work today.

In other news, I've been working really hard at my Music Clerk job - aka program master of the universe. I'm making programs for a high school invitational that I've run the last couple of years. This year, I handed it over to the new choir president. I'm not a mother. But the invitational is my baby. And this new president is proving himself less than capable. It's killing me - I know, hyperbolic. I want it to run well. It's the biggest community choral outreach we have as a university. It represents the music department and our students at the university level. We bring in a reputable guest conductor and he puts these 300-500 high schoolers together into a mass choir. It's a great unifying experience having that many people working for the same goal. I had the university choir director call and ask me questions today. Details. Loose ends. It's SO NICE TO BE MISSED. It makes me feel so capable.

Big Fat Accomplished Love,

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Ants in pants...

It was a very bad idea to start looking at housing in NY this early.

There are some serious ants in the pants right now.

Big Fat Anxious Love,

p.s. down another 2 lbs. 331!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Body aches and the I-don't-wannas

It's cold outside. Just in case you didn't notice. My body wants hibernation mode. Sleep. Warmth. I do NOT want to have a week of midterms right now.

However, I got my lazy butt to the gym. My muscles complained the whole way there "It's too cold to be walking!" I've been so stiff lately! Despite all the stretching I'm doing. It must be the weather. But see, here's the deal, body. You're going to go and do stuff and you're going to get colder. Because you're going to lose your natural fat-coat/snowsuit. Eventually you'll acclimatize and start wearing freaking layers.

Because... remember... 
- fitting into the CDCC dress
- going to NY on a plane
     - where you fit in the seats
     - where you can shop at the plus size stores (or smaller)
     - where you can audition and not be rejected based on size.
     - where you have the opportunity to meet and date new people.
- you feel better when you move.
- when you exercise you can have the weekend piece of pizza with friends and not fall off the food wagon.
- you said you'd replace music obsession with health obsession and it's important to keep promises, ESPECIALLY TO YOURSELF.
- if you keep it up you can lose 50lbs reasonably by the end of the semester!


- getting good grades and passing your classes means graduation.
- Getting away from THIS place.
- Moving on to grown up land.
- starting life after college.
- jump through hoops = get degree.
- degree = better job opportunities in NY.

So frankly dear, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. Keep moving. Keep going. Keep studying. Keep trying.

Big Fat Tough Love,

Saturday, October 8, 2011


Weight: 333lbs (-3) total: 35
Water: 5/7 days above 100oz.
Food: 6/7 under 1900 calories.
Book: FINALLY arrived. Skinny Bitch. It seems a bit extreme in a lot of view points but it's really made me aware of how many chemicals we ingest. I'm about 1/4 the way done with it.

Big Hitters 

- Just like a human, what's consumed by a chicken about to hatch an egg, is passed on through the mother to the baby/egg. We ingest whatever medications and hormones that they've received. In order to avoid it, try buying local at a farmer's market where at private farms they're less likely to use hormones and antibiotics.

- The antibiotics we consume in food affect our reaction to antibiotics when given as a prescription, contributing to your drug resistance.

- Aspartame, as it's broken down, turns into formaldehyde in the body. There are Aspartame Support groups and class action lawsuits happening right now because of the severe negative health effects. (again, sorta extreme, but the formaldehyde thing freaked me out).

- Ph levels in the body fluctuate. The goal is to have a more basal than acidic body. Dairy products and sugars raise the PH level. Cancers thrive in highly acidic environments.

More before and after photos....
September 14
October 8

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

As I may have been unclear...

Miss April asked some very good questions on my check in blog. I guess my goals have been very broad - I'm a firm believer in brevity as details are usually less than riveting.

Goal 1: Cook at least once a day and DO THE FREAKING DISHES. 
This is my effort to reduce eating out. I don't particularly care for cooking but if I can find quick HEALTHY recipes, I'm more inclined to keep my food money spent at home and my calories more accountable.

Goal 2: Do a Vegan Day.
The vegan day is just a break from cooking and cleaning up after it. Plus it is one more day that I'm not ingesting animal products. I like to try and make it a weekend day since I'm most prone to over-eating on Saturdays and Sundays. I also use it as a reminder of how many cooked and processed items I still eat. Since my juice fast, I realize that I can say no to food entirely. I don't need food I need nutrients and a vegan day is just a little flexing of that willpower muscle... I choose not to do long stints because it leads to binging. I choose to be consistently good about diet and food intake. Sometimes it's nice to mix it up with a brief and healthy "challenge."

I don't do it to clean up my diet. My diet is pretty good.
- No alcohol since may.
- No soda for about 1 year now.
- No white sugars, corn syrup (hydrogenated or not) or sugar substitutes since August.
- No white breads/enriched flour since August.

I'm slowly weaning things I shouldn't consume out of my diet. Next is a lot of my meat products that can be replaced by tofu, tempeh and other vegan/vegetarian alternatives. I'm finding foods that I love that are healthy. I'm replacing a cheeseburger with a serving of cottage cheese. I'm replacing chips with cucumber slices. I'm replacing snickers with clif Z-bars. I'm making menus so I don't have to make decisions on the fly and so I can make educated and well planned trips to the grocery store. (each trip = an opportunity to buy crappy food).

Goal 3: Bedtime at 12:00a.m. 
A stressed body is one that's more resistant to give up pounds. I usually work until 10pm every night and I'm up by 7:00 - 7:30 every day to get to classes or the gym on time. Again this is a bedtime happening in increments. With school starting I've been up progressively later and later in efforts to get every thing done (homework, socializing, cleaning my studio). I've found myself going to bed at 12 and not being able to drift off until 1. - dang this exercising thing giving me so much energy! heh.

Goal 4: Stay on top of piles and piles of homework.
I'm taking some pretty time intensive classes, Voice Pedagogy, Form and Analysis (symphonic scores), Diction for Singers, Creative Writing, Dance Basics and Aquacise. And working 40 hours a week between my 3 jobs. I'm trying to find the time to make sure that everything is taken care of. Again, it's about reducing stress and trying to stay happy and motivated to keep moving.  When I get overwhelmed and behind, I take it out on myself in food and work out cancellations. I will not give myself those excuses. I will keep my crap together. I've done well so far with this... but I can feel that stress creeping up on me and I'm trying to stay ahead of the curve.

Goal 5: Get 7 hours of Gym Time in.
Exercise is structured in that I have 4 hours of work out classes in my academic schedule and 2 hours with a trainer/friend. It looks like this...

Monday - 45 min cardio; 15 min strength training
Tuesday - 60 min swimming/high activity cardio; 15 min stretching, 20 min pilates/yoga, 20 min tap/ballet/jazz/modern.
Wednesday - {free} Just walking to class and work approximately 1 hour/2-3 miles a day. I don't count it as exercise because it's part of my normal daily activity.
Thursday - 60 min swimming/high activity cardio; 15 min stretching, 40 min floor routines
Friday - 45 min cardio; 30 min strength training.

Total:  6 hours

It just means I have to find one more hour by myself somewhere in the middle (usually saturday mornings or Sunday nights). This is motivated by the fact I'm not in choirs this semester. With that stress being gone, I'm choosing to put as much time in the gym per week as I did between my two choir classes. I've spent 6 years obsessing about my music and letting my body go by the wayside. This year I put my body first.

A one pound loss... is still a loss. I would rather lose small amounts every week than go crashing down 5 or more lbs a week only to gain it back when my body revolts. It's also a Pre-period week. I'm surprised I've lost anything with the water I've been retaining. I can see it in my ankles and in my hands.

Plus really, I don't think this is about how fast can I drop the weight. It's about retraining myself to accept a healthier lifestyle. The numbers are motivating. But I refuse to let them be anything else. I would rather find myself craving vegetables and wanting a long walk than see a -3lb mark on the scale. It's about how I feel. My body feels great. My feet hold out longer when standing and walking. My back doesn't give me problems much anymore. I'm finding more "core" strength. My energy levels are high. I don't know how I would be surviving this semester if it weren't for the additional energy and focus.

I'm feeling pretty good about things. I'm exhausted from stress. I know I should be doing better scholastically and that seriously puts a damper on my mood and motiviation for the week. But I'm trying to keep that snarky, bitchy part of myself quiet - the part that walks out of classes when teachers are egotistical and infuriating. I'm finding myself very short tempered these days. But I guess that's the symptom of a body in transition.

Down 32lbs since July and counting.
Big fat love,
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