Saturday, August 30, 2014

Berry Picking and An Injury


1734 calories

Not enough. 

No walking, but I did get a good bit of berry picking in. During which I tripped in a gopher hole and twisted my ankle. Didn't stop me though... I kept picking for another hour. 

We have something like 9lbs of blueberries and some great bartlett and asian pears. I can't wait to sink my teeth into the heirloom tomatoes. They were also selling local honey which should help with Mister's allergies. 

Afterwards we got home and had ANOTHER HUGE tear, snot and sobbing argument. Followed by a HUGE kiss and make up and both of us trying a different approach to conflict resolution and making sure that the needs expressed are the needs met. 

Then of course the obligatory after argument pizza.

But I had eaten so little as the day was going on that I still came in under calories. Woohoo! Still not healthy. But we're in the right numbers. 

After we got home with the pizza, I sat down to start up netflix on my macbook...  and it's not reading the hard drive. Potentially the computer I still have not completed paying off is dead. 

Then we went out for pie. Nice key lime pie. 

Still under calories. I couldn't freaking believe it. But hey, I understand this is emotional eating and still not healthy, but I'm ready to celebrate staying under the 1980 calorie allotment given by MFP. 

Today... Saturday...  I will double up on the blogs to get back on track (thank you, mister for lending me your laptop). 

It's starting off smart with yogurt and blueberries. And a trip to the apple store...   PLEASE LET THEM BE ABLE TO FIX IT!!! 

Big Fat Love, 

Friday, August 29, 2014

Another Argument

So I posted and then rescinded my blog on Wednesday night. For the stats...

Food - 1100 calories.
Activity - null.
Water - 3 nalgene bottles.

Food: 2090 calories
Activity - null - worked a full day though!
Water - hit my mark.

I had a pretty rough time. Mister was behaving strangely about my request for groceries. We talked it out, argued really, he is grumpy about money, he is grumpy that since the beginning of our relationship I gained 40lbs (over 2 years) instead of losing it... like I was when we first started seeing each other. It took a while to get him to say what was really bothering him.

So we have got some serious issues revolving around my weight and it's affecting BOTH of our relationships with food.

I would be mad and go on the giant "he should love you the way you are!" rant... but he does love me. That's why it gets him so worked up. He wants me to be healthy. He wants to make different choices for me than the choices I make for myself. It's not that he wants me to be hot or look a certain way... while that would be a great added benefit, what he wants is for me to live longer so we can love each other longer.

He has a hard time putting it into words like that. Limited by his dude-liness his way of expressing himself, it is passive and bossy at the same time. I must get better with my grunt to word translations.

Meanwhile, I am being ridiculously sensitive, reactionary and defensive... indicative of insecurity.  Yes, we all have insecurity. Yes, I'm handling mine poorly. Yes, he too has insecurities related to his body and weight. Yes, you probably do to. Hurrah! Big insecurity club.

We got through the conversation without hating each other. I made it through the working interview. The staff loved me. I loved them. I want the job. I won't know if I have it for another week. Otherwise, I'm going to continue to work with the temp agency to find placement... JUST IN CASE.

So... you know... stress.

Money stress.
Relationship stress.
Food stress.


Go on a 30 minute walk (this should help manage some stress).
RELAX THIS WEEKEND. Let go of being neurotic about your lack of jobliness.
Keep my calories low and happy.

And just to remind myself that I have not been failing...   I tracked every day since I said I would. I will look at next week and set up another attainable goal... like eating underneath the calorie limit every day, or 30 minute walk every day (that really has got to start happening).

Big Fat Love,

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Hey horse, I'm on you!

1916 calories - 54 calories under the daily goal.

SO MUCH WATER! 100 oz+

Erm...  Not so much. 

Much better day today. I just used a little restraint and ate much more normal portions.   Banana for breakfast. Burrito for lunch. Baked halibut, homemade fries, salad and a small slice of pie. 

My interview at the car dealership was great. It's not the most lucrative offer at $9.50 starting for only 15 hours a week as a receptionist. But I kind of like that it's super low responsibility and I only work Saturday and Sunday. Then I could do my remote billing throughout the week and still be able to spend a lot of time with Mister. 

I also followed up with the temp service. They are going to continue to try to find me a temp to hire full time "normal" job (aka: 9-5 M-F). I kind of like that the weekend schedule would give me more time to focus on getting back on track. Time that I never had in New York. 

I will track my calories. 
I will continue to contemplate the job offer at the car dealership. 
I will take a 30 min - 60 min walk. 
I will drink water until my face falls off. 

Big Fat Love, 

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Day one of the count

3,125 calories.

2 nalgene bottles.

Wandering around with Mister in Lowe's for 2 hours... then returning to Lowe's to exchange the curtains.


I shot myself in the foot with my calorie count first thing in the morning. Had a big bowl of cereal with whole milk (the only kind we have right now) and a banana. Wham! 800 calories. I curbed my snacking for the rest of the day. But didn't do all that well.

I had lunch at burgerville. We were out running errands and I gave absolutely no fight to the burger choices... as a burger has fewer calories than my breakfast did.

Dinner wound up at Shari's... the diner/pie house. Had a sandwich, fries and half a slice of pie.

So ultimately, I made fat choices today. But I didn't overlook or ignore or fudge my calorie count today. That's a big enough step.


I will count calories again... and eat better from the get go.
I will do something active like take a 30 min walk after sunset.
I will rock my job interview.
I will go to that guy's moving sale and find a good piece of furniture.

Big Fat Love,

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Captain's Log 8/24/14

Breakfast: none - argument with mister instead. 
Lunch: 2 dark chocolate, peanut butter Trader Joe Bon-Bons and a slice of left over pizza from last night. 
Dinner: Chicken over rice w/marinara + a side salad (Spinach, tomato, avocado, dressing and a pinch of cheese). 
After Dinner: 3 more bon-bons. 

I will get back on myfitnesspal in the next couple of days and get a good calorie count going. But I'm not going to let that stop me today. 

approximately 50 oz. 
And approximately 2 cups at least of tears and sweat. 

Walked 2.5 miles in an hour in midday heat. Was escaping the after argument silence. Don't worry, it was waiting for me when I got home. 

346.6 lbs. 

Big Fat Emotional Love, 


Hey there blogosphere... 

My mind is racing and I just need to dump it semi-privately (none of my immediate friends and family have access to this blog).

I have moved away from New York City. It was 2 years of food and fatness. I am up from my low of 289 to 346.6 and still not entirely all the way back up to 368. Thankfully.

My brain is broken, guys. All the things that made me charming and successful before are broken. My positivity. My hope. My consistency. My willpower.

I'm back in a slower city... where I have got nothing but time to figure this shit out. I am working, but only a few hours a day. I am looking for additional work but I'm not going to rush it, or take something not worth my time (aka: below $15 an hour).

I am still with my mister. Which has added an entirely different dimension to my self-perception, awareness and stability.

Things fluctuate in that relationship. We have definitely had our ups and downs. I figure that's normal. But it always seems so extreme... and my relationship with food is part of the problem. Mister is aware I eat my feelings. I have asked him to help. But the approach hasn't been working. It's done the opposite which in turn takes effect on the relationship. Things are hard today.

I don't know that I'm fully aware of my feelings enough to type them into permanence in regards to the relationship aspect of all this. So...  let's compartmentalize for now.

Relationship with Food. 
Food still guides a lot of my thought and behavior patterns. I am still not making the best choices. I have created an entirely new, complex system of justification and avoidance of accountability.

Relationship with Body. 

My poor body. I am barely aware that beneath my shoulders exists. I can see it in my coordination. I can see it in my depth perception. I can feel it in the way I breathe... of course, only when I'm paying attention.  I am in a waivering state of denial about the consequences of my weight re-gain.

I know that I've put weight back on because the clothes don't fit. Because old aches and pains are back and worse. I know that my knees are getting more worn out and it's harder to do things that I want to. I hate saying that there are things that I can't do anymore, but running, is out of the question. So is some of the high intensity interval training. I feel like last time I went that extreme, yes, I saw results, but I damaged and aged my body along the way.

Then on top of that... New York City. The city of hard pavement and subway stairs has also been rough on my ankles, knees and hips as I experienced the city with mouth wide open. Tasting everything new and delicious. Breaking so many of the rules I had previously given myself because "I'm in New York. I need to at least try it." Then opening the pathway back to sugar and carb addiction. Opening back up to binge eating. Day long grazing. Trying to cope with stress by chewing.

What the F*ck Are You Going To DO About It? 

Well... I guess I'm back here, in blogland. Less so for comments and attention. More so for being able to externalize and witness the bullshit I'm feeding myself mentally and hopefully breaking some of the thought patterns that I recognize.

As an external processor in a new city, with only my significant other as my social network, I need a place to put the thoughts together.

Tears, Snot and Sunburn.
It is bizarre... Without voicing my thoughts, my understanding and interpretation of the world around me, it's like I numb myself or go through it without experiencing it. Though on the opposite end of the spectrum, I have lived to create stories before too. So I'm hoping that we can just find a little balance.

I need to pony up to the food I eat daily.
I need to acknowledge my activity level and change it.
I need to weigh in weekly.
I need to hydrate more consistently.
I need to get out of this fat fat fat fat fat depressing sad fat fat fat head space.

Big Fat Love,
Nanette N.

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