Thursday, October 30, 2014

Phentermine 2

Documenting my use of Phentermine...

The first two days I used it, I was flush. Very hot. Very energetic. Very motivated to just do whatever task at hand instead of procrastinate (which is my norm).

The first week I had problems sleeping. I was tossing and turning. I was having weird nightmares.

I didn't feel jittery or amp'd up. I just felt energized... like I was 40lbs ago.

It did incredible things for my focus at work. I would start a project and just work and work without mental fatigue. I was not clock watching, I was not even tempted to check my email, phone, screw around. I just wanted to dig through the task at hand.


I am on the 3rd week now. I forgot to take it for two days. I didn't experience any nasty backlash. I was just really tired. I didn't experience intense cravings. I feel less dire about the need to have dinner RIGHT NOW when I get home from work.

It hasn't done much to tame the hunger beast, I don't think. Which means I am probably fighting more of a mental battle than a physical one. I have lost a little bit of weight... But I am skeptical if it was the medication at all. I went from 345 - 341 (at my lowest) - but I am still floating around 342/343lbs. So, not a huge difference there.

However, "successful if paired with proper diet and exercise." I haven't really restricted myself much other than the fact I'm working most of the day which doesn't lead to much eating time. And I haven't been getting much more activity in because well, mostly because I haven't wanted to and partially because I have been working 12 hour days (training for the new position).

But things are looking up! I am working only one job starting next week. Only 5 days/40 hours a week! I will be doing the normal 8 - 5pm work grind and I will be a much happier camper.

I have been having some intense mood fluctuations, but those were happening before I even started taking the medication. That has much more to do with hormones and depression, methinks, than the phentermine. I actually think it may even be HELPING. I'm down to desperate crying once per week instead of 4 out of 7 like I was near the beginning of October (first week before I was on phentermine). It has also contributed to a lowering of my body temperature. I'm no longer experiencing any overheating symptoms like when I first took it. If anything, my fingers are FREEEZING. All of the time. All of it.

I slightly suspect that it may actually be slowing down my weight loss. ***POOP TALK ALERT!*** I have gone as many as 4 days without pooping and when I do, it's the consistency of freaking soft-serve. ***POOP TALK OVER***

Phentermine works by putting the body into the flight or fight sort of mode. Which is a stress reaction. I am curious as to whether the stress it is causing is releasing more cortisol... aka: putting my body into a fat packing mode. What it's meant to do is use fight or flight to reduce hunger - the body reaction is to tap into the stores for energy in a situation like that. But if it is also causing stress or anxiety, would it be logical to conclude that you would also be turning food eaten into storage?


Conclusion: 10 more pills before I have to refill. I'm not sure if I should refill or if I should stop. Nothing intensely negative has happened but it is a cousin to the amphetamine family and can be both habit forming and stressful on the organs.

I kind of want to try not taking it for a month and comparing my results. Everything I've read says wean yourself off of a med like this. So I am going to taper these last 10 pills... every other day for 3 pills, every 3 days for 3 pills and 1 every 4 days for the remaining 4 pills.

I'm just not sold that aside from the first 4lbs that it helped me shake, if it is doing all that much to help...

Returning to Consistency.

Today's Weight: 342.8lbs 

Okay... so we all know that I've been negative and lame lately. I have been reading some of my fellow bloggers and they have been fighting the exact same fight but with different tactics... 

300lbs down - Holly lost a SIGNIFICANT amount of weight and incurred a SIGNIFICANT regain. She has the most uplifting posts and the best attitude ever. She is exactly where I am right now. Struggling to get back on the horse. Being disappointed and mistrusting yourself despite knowing how to fix the problem. 

WhoAteMyBlog?- Steven was making amazing progress. He lost so much more than I ever have. But he's on the regain due to injury. He is so transparent with us about his struggle with binge eating. In this post he specifically captures the desperation and defeat that I have been feeling. I know he's gonna pull through it. He just will. He can do it. I believe in him. 

I believe in myself. The hope I have for Steven and Holly... I hope for myself too. While I feel like I may not deserve hope. I need to give myself the benefit of the doubt and know that I will make progress. 

Holly has been following a self-made program. She has returned to dieting that worked for her previously and activity in a similar manner as she had before. But in miniature. Making small goals. So small it may seem even silly that they are "goals." It is not silly. It is a great way to gain confidence in your ability to follow through. 

She mentioned mistrusting herself after weight gain. That really resonated with me. When I stop trusting someone, I cut them off. I disappear. Mistrusting myself is exactly what's happening here. It's my defeatism narrowed down to a cause. I have thought of making goals and then dismissed the idea, "I'm not going to reach it anyway." Or, "Who cares? I've messed it up before, too." 

I am in a terribly apathetic and negative thought cycle. It is a battle of the sizes. 


IT: Come on! You have gained so much weight. Let's change it up! 
BW: HA! You make it sound so easy. 
IT: It is. Make a small change. Just say no to cravings. Just say no to being motionless. 
BW: You don't understand how hard it is to be me. I'm too stressed out to take on yet another project. 
IT: COME ON! You don't even have to leave the house when you get home. Just take 15 min and do a little body weight work out. 
BW: But I hurt and I'm tired and Will is here. I want to spend time with him. 
IT: Then just go over there and do some push ups, squats, lunges, SOMETHING. 
BW: I can't do that in front of him. He will tell me I'm doing it wrong and I'll get all gross and sweaty. 
IT: Fine. Enjoy your big fat life. Enjoy your excuses. 

And Inner Twig is down for the count. Rematch? Tomorrow morning. Baby Whale has been getting a lot more practice running things and has become a very difficult opponent. It is time to start helping Inner Twig out... giving her a few easy fights to bolster her confidence. 

Then of course there are the days when neither side are fighting and I just completely forget how fat I am. I can disconnect from myself THAT well. Where, if isolated long enough, I feel completely normal about myself. Which is okay for existing, but how can I forget my goals when my goals manifest themselves SO LARGELY!?!? My body and brain are trying so hard to maintain stasis! 

I've also been reading Nerd Fitness. The Emails are great. The guy who writes the site is hilarious and insightful. He recommended making your weight loss a game. What kind of character do you want to develop? Full on RPG. You get more stamina points with cardio, you get more strength with resistance training. It is all very clever! I love the concept "Level Up."

Of course, out of all the things I'm reading, I'm picking and choosing my favorite parts and trying to come up with a cohesive plan for myself. 

The best work out is one that you'll do says Nerd Fitness... 

Activities I Love: Aquacise, swimming, biking, walking, body weight training, weight lifting. 
Activities I HATE: Running, Anything with the word "jumping." Skiing. Things that I perceive as dangerous. 
Activities I have let go over the years: basketball, track, hiking, jump rope, biking), dancing, gymnastics, yoga, horseback riding.
Activities I have never tried: Any martial arts, Rope training, Formal lap swimming, Any sport that requires upper body strength, skateboarding, 

Identify problem foods. Or go back to what you know worked for you. - Holly. 

Problem foods: Candy, pastas, bread, cheese without moderation, pizza, burgers. Basically carbs and sugar. 

What worked for me: 
  • Small meals 6x a day. 
  • Precut/bagged veggies ready to go. 
  • Pre-cooked chicken breasts + salads for dinner. 
  • VERY low caloric intake during the day so I can allow myself the "decadent" and larger amounts at night when I want it the most. 
  • PLANNING - Making decisions in advance, to reduce the last minute bad decisions.  
Create small goals. Give yourself challenges that are VERY easily attainable to build up your confidence and trust. - Holly

I have so many things I would like to accomplish right now. They can be broken down into 3 categories. Motion, Consumption and Accountability. 

Using I have found a route in my neighborhood that is .5 miles. It's just walking around 4 blocks. Not a big deal. It doesn't have to be fast. It doesn't have to be with a smile on my face. It doesn't have to be at a particular time of day. I am going to do that short walk 5x this week. If I afterwards feel like going further, or doing a different exercise, I just win extra. 

I will eat vegetables once a day for 7 days. Write it down. What veggie did you eat? Now Draw it. 

I will track both of the previous items in my journal every day and summarize with ONE BLOG EVERY WEEK. The blog doesn't have to be on a certain day. It doesn't have to be a certain length. It just needs to be done. I need to reach out to the community and be a participator - less of a weight loss spectator. 

And lastly... 

Be Kind, Supportive, Authentic and Non-Judgmental Towards Yourself. - Steven. 

Big Fat Love, 
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