Friday, September 30, 2011


Weigh in: 336 (-1).
Water: over 100 oz a day.
Food: ugh. bad. bad. bad. need more produce.
Exercise: 5 hours cardio 1 hr strength training and a bajillion hours walking to and from campus, work and home.
Book: STILL hasn't arrived. But my new cook book did! The Skinny Bitch Ultimate Every Day Cookbook.

I'm very impressed as I have eaten a bunch of garbage this week. I'm still battling period symptoms like I've never experienced. I'm retaining water like a camel. I finished my workout this morning and my fingers had swollen so much I couldn't get my rings off.

So in order to get a game plan together for a more successful week, I'm making a menu this week. Then going shopping tomorrow for JUST THE THINGS I NEED. There's an excess of random ingredients floating around my kitchen just going to waste right now.

- Cook at least once a day (and DO THE FREAKING DISHES).
- Do a vegan day.
- Go to bed by 12:00am every night.
- Stay on top of my piles and piles of homework.
- Get 7 hrs of gym time in.

Big Fat Love, Nanette

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

A Serious Case...

Let's just make this clear. I'm not the girl who cries and has mood swings as part of my PMS. I'm the girl who wants to eat the entire planet. I have been ravenous both today and yesterday. I'm doing what I can to keep in check. I'm staying under my caloric limit, but I've definitely gone over the recommended fat intake. It's the salt that I must RUN from.

However, since I'm trying not to eat the world, I have turned into a hungry BEAR. I've been so ornery and tired. I have socially isolated myself in efforts to not hurt other's feelings and to prevent my own SEVERE annoyance. I'm so confused. Normally I don't have PMS. Normally I handle it well. This is the first instance of hungry bear since I started losing weight in July. Thank the up aboves for birth control. At least I know when to avoid people. 

I weighed in again before swim yesterday. I'm down to 336. Down one more pound. I'm expecting gain Friday for my CDCC weigh in. I would SO love to be wrong.

Until then... I will not be a bitch. I will not be a bitch. I will not be a bitch...

Big Fat Hungry Bear Love,

Monday, September 26, 2011

A Big Thanks!

You guys have been super awesome! It's great to have a supportive network and team that wants to see numbers and hear about improvement. Sometimes it's not what people want to hear about in the day to day as it might come off self-righteous or condescending. It's good to have a place where I can just say all those things that I obsess about as far as body is concerned. I'm feeling really good about the weight loss itself. But it's great to be able to see it in photos and in my life. I'm so glad that Amber helped me find this challenge. Thank you for helping me this far, everyone!

Exercising is getting easier. I spend less time sore. I spend more time motivated and energetic. This week I'm adding another work out and adding 10 minutes to the Mon. Fri. cardio.

Eating healthy is getting easier. I have less crappy food in my apartment. I eat less because I'm more full when I eat the lettuces, carrots, cucumbers, broccoli and other fresh veggies. It's easier to cut out garbage when I can pre-cook things and get ready for the week. Planning has been essential in making positive food choices. When I make a bad food decision, intentionally or not, they are one decision. I can work out. I can make a better choice next time instead of giving up.

Seems ridiculous that it's taken me 24 years to realize that it's not about being hard or hungry or working out until you cry. It's about consistency. I'm hoping that consistency will allow me to kick up my metabolism so when bad food decisions are made, they don't hit as hard.

I'm feeling good.
Big Fat Love,

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Photos... 11 days.

These photos show the progress from September 14 - September 25. 11 Days.

I wish I had taken measurements. Particularly around my thighs and arms.

I notice it most in upper belly/underbust and in my legs. I want to see more progress in my arms and belly. This is very encouraging to me.

Big Fat Love, Nanette

Friday, September 23, 2011


Weigh in: 337lbs ( - 4lbs)
Water: below 100 oz per day.
Diet: mostly vegetarian - was wary about sodium.
Exercise: 7.5 hours
Book: Still in the mail... might be applying for a refund from Amazon.

It's been a good and exhausting week. I hope I can keep this kind of loss up. I'm meeting someone new (potentially romantic) over Thanksgiving and I would like to introduce less of myself.

Big Fat Love, Nanette

Thursday, September 22, 2011


*BEWARE: following blog may contain whining*

My body hurts. My WHOLE body hurts.

50 minute swim class - Make body into and "L" shape. Like you're sitting in the water. Use just your arms swim 6 laps. Use just your legs. 6 laps. Curve your shoulders closer to your hips keep your legs parallel with the bottom of the pool. It was like 50 minutes of intense toilet bowl sitting while kicking your legs.

15 minute trek up the university campus hill for dance class. Includes 5 sets of 10 stairs.

40 minute dance class. Yoga. stretching. Plies, releves, tendus, degages, piques. AKA leg, ankle, foot HELL. 

75 minute Feldenkrais Method (ATM) session. Laying on the floor. Pelvic thrusting with periodic stops. Retraining your muscles to align properly and reawakening nerves and awareness...  kinda fru-fru. But harder than you'd think... undoing all the bad ways you move your body. The Spine hip relationship specifically in our class. (seriously... lay on your back. feet flat, knees pointing up, right elbow pointing toward the ceiling, fingers under shoulder. Left hand pushing elbow back gently. Try and lift the right hip (just the right hip) and press with the right hand at the same time, try it fast, try it slow, try it high and lower. concentrate on the sensations).

And tomorrow morning is an hour in the gym. AN HOUR. ON THE BIKES. with this body that's already stiffening. Guess it's time to eat some potassium (bananas, plums, prunes, raw potato), drink extra water and take an ibuprofen or two.

Big Fat Tired Love,

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Tuesday Weigh In


Down to 337. (-3) from last Tuesday and (-5) from last Thursday.

I made a call to Dad today to let him know. He didn't know that I've been trying to lose weight. But he's very happy. 

Big Fat Love,

Monday, September 19, 2011

Self Esteem...

Soooooo....I'm taking this creative writing class. The first week of class one for one of the in class writing exercises we were told to write a big, enveloping topic at the top of our paper. Something we could write a lot about. I chose Insecurity. Then she asked us to pass our paper five people to the left. The paper passed to me had Obesity written across the top. I was curious who was interested and counted over five people to the right. She wouldn't make eye contact with me. She STILL won't make eye contact with me. She literally turns her head each time I squeeze into my desk. She smirks and sort of snickers to herself whenever the teacher uses the word "fat." 

Last week, I was walking to class and saw her chowing down on a McDonald's hamburger and smoking her cigarette. It sort of sealed her fate. Part of the class is workshopping a piece: includes reading paper out loud, receiving critique and then working with it or not. You bet that every piece I write this semester will have some sort of fat theme. 

Yesterday, after reading one of my essays, a friend thought I might need counseling. I'm there. I've been in counseling. This isn't a violent reaction to my surroundings. I'm not an overly negative person. I'm a realist. In that way I can say "I'm fat." This is not a negative thing. It is an honest thing. I'm not afraid to say, "I am fat." I am a lot of things: funny, well spoken, active, fat, overly critical, smart, employed, creative, organized, a redhead, young, a college student, a singer. These are just parts of me. They do not define me. PERSON. I am a person. THAT defines me. 

I've spent long enough feeling sub-par because I'm overweight, obese, morbidly obese. I've spent long enough thinking that with each pound I lose I would gradually lose my wit, or my intelligence, or my kindness. I let it define me for the majority of my life. Now I certainly will not let juvenile behavior make me ashamed of the way I look. I've come very far in the last two years (my heaviest and my re-dedication to health). The locker room no longer scares me. Changing backstage does not scare me. Walking around my house naked does not scare me. People looking at me in awe at my size or whispering to one another does not intimidate me. I can look at myself in the mirror and see how beautiful I am and it has NOTHING to do with lumps and bumps and pounds. I bear my weight battle scars proudly. 

This is not a mantra. This isn't what I tell myself everyday. There are days when I struggle to feel sexy. But that is not the struggle of just a fat person. That is the struggle of a person. There are days when I feel like I've eaten crap and I feel regret that I treated my body that way. Days when I wear myself ragged trying to reduce my size. Days when I've given the last that I have to give and still not losing that 2lbs a week. That doesn't mean I hate myself. That doesn't mean I've given up on life. That doesn't mean I DON'T HAVE SELF-ESTEEM. It means that life is tough. For me. For you. For everyone. 

Feeling negative things (regret, guilt, etc) is motivation for me. It's like algebra...
If I put garbage in my body, 
Then I feel {insert negative emotion}. 

{Food for Thought} 
A process of behavior modification in which the likelihood of a specific behavior is increased or decreased through positive or negative reinforcement each time the behavior is exhibited, so that the subject comes to associate the pleasure or displeasure of the reinforcement with the behavior.

There is no "I'll do better tomorrow." There is "I'll do better next time I decide to put something in my mouth." I don't have to wait until tomorrow to make healthy decisions. I can make them every time I decide to eat, not eat, or move.

So please...   realize. I do like myself. These negative things I say aren't to tear myself down. They are just honest. We need to recognize negative in order to make positive change and greater our understand of where our negativity comes from. 

Big FAT Love, 


I owe you a weigh in!

Goals: 100 oz water a day - check.
2-3 servings of veggies a day - check.
6 hours of work out - check (made it to seven)!

Weight: 342.

Big Fat Love,

Friday, September 16, 2011

Dear Salt...

Dear salt...

I know I need you. Just a little. But I'm tired of our relationship. It is stupid that I keep craving contact with you. You obviously don't love me or you wouldn't treat me like this. But I still care about you. So keep in touch. Please don't be offended if I screen your calls. We just see too much of each other.

Love, Nanette

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

A Guilt Post

This is my guilt post. I have carb overloaded today. I had 2 slices of Margherita pizza for lunch. I'm still under the caloric and carb limits that MyFitnessPal has set for me. As a result, I don't feel great. I'm bloaty and too full. I over-indulged with a friend who is experiencing her first break up. Again... the social eating. I've done mostly well with her. I've been helping her move out of their shared apartment while we talk instead of stuffing my face when we talk.

I will be a stronger person. My body is made of cells and the cells are made of what I eat. I will make healthy, organic cells that are fully functional and made with proper nutrition. I will drink enough water (I still have 5 hours to make that happen). I will plan my meals better for tomorrow and the weekend.

I'm thinking, since I have a particular hard time with weekends, that I should make my Saturdays a raw food/vegan day. I mean... that's one entire day of not eating garbage. But I will definitely need to grocery shop and to find recipes before the weekend starts. I find that without preparation and forethought, I eat too much of sparsely nutritious food. So this weekend, I'm going to try my hand at making my own Breakfast Bars with fiber and protein for those mornings on the go and those afternoon carb cravings.

Wednesday is the only day of the 5 day week that I don't spend doing any physical activity. So in addition to the poor eating, I'm feeling really guilty and lethargic. I refuse to fall back into old habits. Tonight I will walk home from work (.5 miles) instead of catch the quick ride home with a coworker. I will push myself hard tomorrow in swimming and dance. I will pick up my walking pace and get that heart pumping.

Water: 80oz (it's only 5pm though, I can get in another 40).
Workouts: 3/6 for the week.
Veggies: 3/2 servings

Big Fat {guilty} Love,

Today's Mantra

I love these photos. I love that I will feel thinner and healthier soon. I will love these photos for showing me my progress. I will... I will...  

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The Tuesday Weigh In

Hurrah! Monday was a fluke! It was only to get me working harder! I weighed in at an even 340! Down 3lbs!

I'm taking my dear cousin Amber's advice and watching my carbs instead of my sugars and I'm feeling much less ornery about food. I'm super amazed at the amount of protein in cottage cheese and it's a favorite food of mine right now - in moderation. I'm learning that I can eat what I want... in moderation. Though I'm still not going to waste precious eating calories on things with corn syrup , cough*SODA*cough.

Peppermint extract
Soda... that's been a journey already. I've found multiple items to replace soda in my life.
- Adding herb extracts (not the cooking variety) to water: Peppermint water
- Stevia sweetened sodas: Blue Sky
- Tea: Honest Tea

The exercise is getting easier. I can walk after dance class. I'm not worn out after swimming. The Monday cardio day leaves me feeling wobbly and limber. Friday's weights still leave me sore until Monday. But I don't consider skipping the work outs. It's not even a possibility. I know that it will definitely be more difficult as the weather gets worse. I'm trying to load up on the motivation now to get me through that.

Taking off three post its when I get home. Once I lose the 340 lb... I get to reward myself with a haircut or new headphones. I don't know which yet.

Water: 100 oz
Work outs: 3/6 for the week.
Veggies: 1/2 servings.

Big Fat Love,

Monday, September 12, 2011

Christmas Dress Countdown Challenge - Initial Post.

Sorry about the late post, guys. I don't have the interwebs on the weekend.

1 - starting weight: 343
2 - Size of Dress: 26/28
3 - Book: Skinny Bitch + cookbook +
4 - Caloric limit: 1900
5 - 2x cardio + strength training, 2x swim class, 2x dance class.
6 - Dress is in the previous post
7 - Water: 1/2 my weight in ounces daily.

It was a tough weekend. I went out a couple of times with friends (food not booze). But I'm staying underneath the caloric limit. I'm just eating too much sugar and not drinking enough water. I was sad to get on the scale after this morning's work out and see that I had gained .5 lb.

However, I did get to the gym on Friday morning. I got 45 minutes of cardio on the stationary bike [interval training] and then 30 minutes of strength training - shoulders, chest. It made for a 5x work out week.

This week is already off to a better start. I got 30 minutes on the bike in and a 20 minute walk to and from the gym. I've been eating healthier today. However, according to fitnesspal I'm still over on sugar mainly because of my fruit intake. But I refuse to see my fruit consumption as a negative thing. I've worked hard to want to eat raw foods and I don't want to be demotivated by that.

On the other hand, I've found that I do not take in enough iron. So here's searching... low sugar, high iron foods - not that I think there are many high sugar iron-y foods.

This week's goals:
1- Be more consistent about drinking lots of water (pee it off!!!)
2- First week of 6x work outs!
3- Eat more leafy greens and veggies in general (at least 2 servings a day).

AAAANNND.... a link. Check it out, The CDCC.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Another Few Bite The Dust!

Weigh in: 342.5 (-3.5 lbs!)

It's surprising and I'm not sure I can believe the scale at this point. I've been using the myfitnesspal to track my exercise and food consumption. I like the feature it has. When you finish entering your food and exercise today you can click on "complete this entry" and see what kind of weight you'd lose in 5 weeks with the same kind of food and activity. It's kinda cool and keeps me thinking about "well what would fitness pal say?"

I borrowed an idea from Jillian's blog. I put up post its on my "Narnia" door (It leads into the used book store connected to my studio). Each post it represents a pound. I hid prizes underneath each 20lb mark (permission to myself to buy a new art supply, or haircut, or facial). Today I was so excited to remove three.

It looks like the hard times are going to happen on the weekends. Those damned unstructured weekends. I'm trying to prevent the social eating by having a menu and taking time to cook the things I really love like eggs and whole wheat toast or balsamic chicken. I'm also looking at some of my refrigerated veggies on the verge of dying... so out of want to not waste, there will be salad. What was I thinking buying a Costco bag of romaine? Saturday is the Farmer's Market. What a perfect time to be social around food! I can go with someone and encourage them to get produce too! :)

Tomorrow is day 4 of 7 of not eating out, but cooking/packaging things I want to eat at home and bringing them with me to work and school. I'm so happy to see that my bank balance has hardly moved at all this week. It's helping me afford those special treats under the 20 lb post its.

Sunday is the beginning of the Christmas Dress Countdown Challenge (CDCC). I'm hoping SO hoping to be able to wear a size 24 or smaller by then. I haven't been able to notice a change in my clothing yet, even since my heaviest (368). I'm not sure if I'm losing it in areas that aren't as noticeable. And when things like, my pants slipping down happen, I readily excuse it as the denim having stretched since it's the second time I've worn them since washing. I look forward to it being undeniable that I'm wearing a different size, but I guess it will take more than 25.5 lbs to start seeing that.

Part of me wants to see my parents (who haven't seen me since June) and see if they notice. Particularly since they're very prone to mentioning my weight... maybe they'd be the ones with the keen eye.

This Weekend's Goals
- Don't eat out. Not even ONCE.
- Keep Hydrated (100 oz at least a day).
- Get one work out done in the gym.
- Take one late night fun walk.

Big Fat Love,

PS. The two dresses I'm choosing between. The bodice on the taupe one is so beautifully beaded and draped. But I love the girlish 60's structure *(and the price) of the pink one. Frankly, I could use both for performing.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Rake's Progress...

Weighed in again this morning. Fortunate for me I did not gain or lose anything. I'm sitting happy at 346 (pre peeing).

Weekends are the hardest for me. I'm home. I don't have the structure of school. I DO have the convenience of a refrigerator and the free time for eating out with friends. This weekend was another example of bad eating. I went on a field trip with my voice pedagogy class and we all went out to dinner afterward. Snacks at a friends house. Breakfast at the diner. A BBQ. Lunch with a friend. Grilling with a different friend.

If it's not obvious already, FOOD is SOCIAL for me. I find myself standing before a fridge when I want to interact with people. I eat when I'm lonely. I eat when I'm bored. I eat whenever I wish I had a distraction because that's what socializing is to me as well. So I'm trying to break that. I'm trying to spend time with people that doesn't revolve around FOOD.

My body has recuperated from last week. I made it to swim class and dance class today. I'm hoping that when I weigh in again on Thursday I can see a smaller number. I'm also hoping that after Thursday's dance class, I'll still be able to move because I have a fitness date with my dear friend Trent Friday morning.

I've done well on the goals today...
Water: 150oz.
Food: mainly veggies, no added sugars, enriched white flour, corn syrups or caffeine.
Meals made at home: 3.5 (snacks).
Weight lost: 0 lbs.

Big Fat Love,

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Dreams Into Plans

It's the second week of the semester. First week upped my walking just by going to classes. This semester I'm taking a dance basics class (bits of tap, ballet, jazz, yoga & Pilates) and an acquacise class (not for grannies, it is HARD)... on the same day (Tuesdays and Thursdays). BIG. DUMB. MISTAKE. I've been sore for over a week now.

However, I'm down 7lbs since I started a week ago. I weigh myself pre-peeing, pre-work out. So there's no phantom loss or whatever. I'm thinking it's water weight. I need to get some before photos going so I can do a "contrast and compare" afterward. Maybe tonight. What to wear... Lord, the world isn't ready for this tubby in a sports bra. But how about a cami and some short shorts.

Today after swim class, I limped out of the gym. My quads are KILLING me. I can't bend at the knee properly right now... I feel like my leg is supposed to bend backwards. So I gave myself motivational speeches...
"Nanette, you're going to go to dance class."
"I don't want to go to ANY more classes. Maybe I can pretend like I have a dentist appointment."
"That's NOT THE POINT. Weight loss isn't easy. It sucks right now but you'll be glad later."
"Okay... But I can't freaking bend at the knees. What do I do when I get there?"
"Tell you what. Get dressed. Walk up there. If by the time you walk all the way to Redhill you still want to turn around and go home, you can."
"That sounds good. I'm probably going to turn around."
"Yeah... probably. But then you climbed the hill. That's a plus. exercise-y."
Well, as inspiring as the conversation was, I DID go to the rest of my classes. I DID change into my work out clothes for dance class. I DID fall asleep putting on my shoes. I DID show up late for the class after dance.

Punishment: Walk home from work tonight instead of getting a ride with Angela. AND, I owe myself one work out this weekend (and no dumb little 30 min on a bike work out, a full hour).

As far as food goes, today has been good.
Breakfast: Prunes (for potassium) & cantaloupe (for the sake of it over-ripening in my fridge)
Lunch: Smoked Almonds (my bacon replacement) and an odwalla bar.
Dinner: TBA

I'm stuck at the office. Here are my options: tough it out and eat when I get home at 10pm (Which will make it 12 hours since I last ate), Jimmy Johns (no mayo, no cheese), or eating a packet of oatmeal. Again, the internal struggle. Let's be objective... I have not consumed enough calories today. I've had a lot of fruit, no veggies, a little grain/seeds. Methinks a Jimmy Johns veggie sub sounds great. This makes the first time I've gone out for food this week. And tomorrow is the bodies exhibit with the voice ped class where we travel to Idaho Falls and go out for dinner afterwards. That means I'm at the limit for the week. Good thing it's Thursday.

Okay...   so If you like diet talk, there it is. :) If you don't like diet talk, try my other blog HERE or even HERE

Big Fat love,
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