Sunday, May 31, 2015

The Day the Carbs Took Over

Yesterday was a blight. I had waaaaay too many carbs. I got on the scale this morning. The carb effect was immediate. I was up to 360.2... Let's assess shall we?

Breakfast: french roll with butter and preserves.
Lunch: Sushi (and tooo much).
Dinner: Meatballs and pasta.

Every time I ate the carbs I would justify in my mind... "I'll have carbs this time, but next time I won't." Yeah... wow. Excuses 101. I can't believe I bought that one - hook line and sinker.

It's a pattern. Carbs are easy. Carbs are thoughtless. Hungry? Don't want to cook? Grab a roll. Hungry? Don't want to do dishes? Grab some cheese and crackers. It's like carbs are the fuel in my overeating engine.

Today I tried to turn it around. I'm doing okay, not great but okay.

Breakfast: Greek yogurt.
Lunch: Just the meatballs - no pasta.
Snack: Fresh berries from the farmer's market and a serving of the pasta I passed up at Lunch.
Dinner: TBD...

Tomorrow, I go to work. I need to have a game plan. The last super successful day I had, I took a really nice hearty tuna salad (with almond slivers, celery and green apple). It wasn't quite enough last time. But I think I could beef it up by putting it over spinach and tomatoes. Dinner is that chicken over veggie ragout or a veggie stirfry. Either way - vegetable dense and caloric light.

I need to get the crackers and the rolls out of sight and encourage Will to eat them quickly so we can just avoid buying them again. We still have boxes of pasta for those "UGH - NO COOKING" nights. But as long as they are dried pastas and not fresh or ready to consume, I do alright.

I tried logging calories the past couple of days. I didn't like it at all. I feel like I actually focus on what to eat MORE when I'm doing that. And it gives the food thoughts momentum. I was doing okay without it for the past two weeks or so using the guidelines of lay off the carbs and avoid cheese. I'm going to keep trying that until I hit a snag or stop losing weight... then get back to numbers and calculations.

Food is this obsession. I feel like even when I was successful, it ruled so much of my thoughts. Like if my brain were a pie chart, the important things like family, artistic pursuits, planning and goal setting were such small slivers compared to "what am I going to eat next?"

It would be so nice to just not think about it until my body says "HUNGRY" and then eat the produce at hand. I suppose if I structure it correctly and make those choices easily available. I can be more lax and less obsessive. I guess until then...

Water, more veg, lay off the carbs and avoid cheese.

Big Fat Obsessed Love,

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Still on track

Day two of pretty good food choices.

Breakfast: Nectarine & Raisin Bran.
Lunch: Hamburger
Dinner: Spinach with pears and mint, Half a grilled cheese sandwich.
Snack: Banana

Breakfast: Banana
Lunch: Wild Mushroom Risotto & 1/2 C greek yogurt with strawberries.
Dinner: Tuna salad on toast. Spinach salad with tomatoes & Corn.

Good enough. Portions weren't out of control. I really want that last 4lb drop to not be a fluke... or just a fluid fluctuation. I want another -4 by the end of the month. It would be so nice to get further away from that highest number.

I can do more than wish. I can keep making better decisions.

Tomorrow -

I will stick to the menu.
I will walk a mile.
I will stay hydrated.
I will drink water not coffee.
I will take some measurements and if I'm brave enough I'll share them.

The Menu -
Breakfast: Banana w/ greek yogurt.
Lunch: Tuna Salad w/ celery and slivered almonds.
Dinner: Mushroom Risotto (STILL HAVE LEFTOVERS!!UGH!) or Chicken breast with a veggie ragout.

Big Fat Consistent Love,

Monday, May 25, 2015



I am such a stereotype.

I have family in town. I stop blogging.
I binge eat and shamefully stop blogging.
I have a big emotional blow up and stop blogging.
I get distracted and STOP BLOGGING.

Now here's the thing. Consistent choices for your health have to happen even when family is in town, even when recovering from that half box of doughnuts, even when you think that you don't have time for this.


It's no wonder I can't get a good downward motion going on the scales and check-ins. This is my current struggle. I'm so off kilter with making goals and commitments that I haven't been able to get myself to do something as simple as write a freaking blog entry a day.

It may seem insignificant. I mean, does putting words on a page actually change anything? I mean I could just be putting out my vacuous ingestion for the day and that doesn't do anything to change the blogosphere.

But it's not about changing outwardly, it's about changing inwardly and that includes fessing up to the crappy eating. Accountability. Stability. Consistency.

Since when have I had an issue with this? (erm... for about 3 years). I didn't just regain pounds, I regained old bad habits and NEW bad habits.

I haven't given up being more thoughtful in my food choices. I'm still trying to get more veg in per day and cut back on sugar choices.

NON-SEQUITUR - Photos from Mom's Trip
Shopping with Aunt LD 

Photo by mom at my house before taking them to the airport. I like this one. 
Back with it... 

Ice cream. 
Eggs, bacon and toast. 
Ice cream. 
Wild Mushroom Risotto.

I will hike with Will. 
I will eat homemade food with loads of veggies. 
I will burn through 2-3 hours of gardening. 
I will keep my grubby little hands out of the ice cream. 

Weigh In: 359.2

Big Fat Get With It Love!!! 
Nanette N 

Saturday, May 16, 2015

On The Town

I hit the town with Mom and Aunt today. We did the Saturday market thing. Which means I got a BUNCH of walking in. About 6 hours worth of walking around.

Food log...

Breakfast: AH! Running late! none.
Lunch: Philly Cheese Steak 6" sandwich + home potatoes.
Snack: Blue star doughnuts x 2.
Dinner: Cheeseburger.

Caloric intake: bazillion.
Activity: yes.

Tomorrow's plan.

Breakfast: Cereal.
Lunch: Asian style lemon chicken + rice.
Dinner: Tuna Melt + salad
After dinner: mango or something.

Scale today said 358.8... seeing it going down! Just a little. Let's hope today didn't put it back up.

Big Fat Love,

Friday, May 15, 2015

Getting into the spirit of things.

I am getting back into reading the fat blogs. It's amazing how powerful some writers are. People that can really capture the essence of the struggle. And sometimes there are those less eloquent with words but absolutely raw with honesty. That too is incredibly admirable.

I'm still concentrating on portions and food...

Breakfast: skipped - multivitamin.
Midmorning: Coffee with 1 creamer - no sugar.
Lunch: 1/2 cup spicy sausage jambalaya & a nice salad.
Dinner: An incredibly large portion of pasta and chunky veggie red sauce (homemade - no added sugar).
After dinner: a little sundae from our favorite drive thru place.

Breakfast: bowl of raisin bran (favorite!)
Lunch: a spoonful of salmon cream cheese and a coffee with 2 creamers.
Dinner: TBD... Mom is still in town and I'm supposed to meet up with my brother. We're all having dinner together tonight.

Assessment: Still having problems with portion control, mostly due to the large spans of foodless time leaving me grumpy and hungry then I fall face first into anything edible and don't stop until it hurts.

Goal: Not eat everything on my plate tonight. Either bring something home or throw at least a bite away.

It's going to be a weird dinner. My brother and my boyfriend are at odds because during a business transaction, brother repeatedly tried to rip us off. He successfully did so a couple of times and then we started putting him in place. Since then, we have silently cut him out of the business plan and have taken up with his competitor. Sooo... we'll see how this goes. Let's not eat our feelings, shall we?

Big fat familial love,

P.s. took the bus home today... which means I also got a mile of walking in! Hurrah teensy bit of activity.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Catch up and the Battle Plan.

Well, I didn't get the blogs in but I've been thinking about what to write pretty much every day.

Monday - I did great 
Breakfast: Mango
Lunch: Tuna salad + pretzel bites. 
Afternoon energy dip: Cherry tomatoes. 
Wind up staying late at work... 
Coffee + creamer - no sugar though! 
Dinner: Get home after 14 hours, start eating a pretzel bun, Mister takes it out of my hands and puts a salad together. I was so angry I just went straight to bed without eating. It was 9pm and I had to be up at 5:30am for the next day anyway. 

Tuesday - I was still pissed off about Will trying to make a decision for me. 
Breakfast: Multivitamin. 
Lunch: Jimmy Johns - turkey BLT. 
Dinner: Pretzel bun w/salmon cream cheese. 

Which I mean... not the best decision to skip breakfast. And not a lot of veggies, but the calories were under control. 

Today my mom is flying in and will be here for a week. Our relationship is not always the most easy. I find communicating and connecting with her very frustrating. I'm a daddy's girl. But years and distance have made the relationship better. I disappointed her by leaving mormonism - the religion I was raised in. That being said, she is going to have a lot to digest when she gets here. I'm living with my boyfriend. One bed in the house, can't even keep up appearances with a second bedroom. I've been very honest with her about him though. She knows we're grown ups... and you know... SShhhhh SEX... But that won't prevent the "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed" vibe of the whole visit. 

All that being said, I'm determined to impress her with how much more domesticated I've become since I moved away after college. And I'm determined not to eat my frustration. 

Today's food plan (non working day). 
Breakfast: Papaya + some chocolate chips. 
Lunch: Egg salad sandwich. 
Dinner: Spicy sausage jambalaya. 
After dinner: Papaya/Mango Granita (slushy fruit drink with lime juice - no additional sugar added). 

Tomorrow (working day). 
Breakfast: Left over granita? Mango? egg salad? 
Lunch: Tuna salad + grape tomatoes. 
Dinner: Cantaloupe/feta/mint/fennel salad with lemon vinaigrette & anchovy-veggie pasta (broke person food!) 
After dinner: cottage cheese

Friday (payday/working day). 
Breakfast: Greek yogurt. 
Lunch: leftover salad (hopefully) if not make a new one. 
Dinner: Go out with mom and aunt.  
After dinner: I know I'll want ice cream. I need to find something else, maybe a smoothie or something. 

Okay...   so I've got a plan of action. I've sat down and thought it out. I have made my decisions beforehand. That should make it easier. Forethought and planning is the best weapon in the fat battle, right? 

Also - For history and future comparison - The fat photos. I will keep my personal commentary on these to myself since it's mostly comparisons to the the photos near the end of my last loss. Emotions and thoughts aside...

This is my starting point... 363.3lbs on a 5'10" frame.

Big Fat Love, 

Sunday, May 10, 2015


That's the sound of me falling on my face.

Lesson served and learned. Moved to Oregon. Between medicinal marijuana and recreational, let's just say I had a brownie that wouldn't stop yesterday. The munchies were strong with this one. This is not a habitual thing. It was a bit more celebratory that I'm out of the terrible work environment and I was with good friends.

That's all well and good until you eat dinner 3 times. I guess it was more like late lunch, early dinner, then early midnight snack. No matter how you split it, the news was not good. BINGE.

I'm not proud. As a matter of fact, I was in the sourest of moods today and I'm pretty sure it's because of my guilt and disappointment in my choices. But I haven't been a good enough sport to fess up.

Today went a little better.

I only ate dinner once.

Breakfast: Cereal w/ Milk (carbs + protein+fat).
Snack: chocolate chips (carbs)
Lunch: left over pasta from last night. (carbs, protein, fat, cooked veggies).
Dinner: burger (carbs, protein, fat, teeensy amount of veggies).
After dinner: pretzel bun with cream cheese. (carbs, fat, protein).

Okay so diet land... I know that none of that sounds good. Or even something worth bragging about. But I gotta say, that it's a step in the right direction. That is how out of control I've been lately. That last 10lbs climbed on in the past month or two. So it's time to lasso it in. Smaller portions spaced more evenly throughout the day.

Envisioning how I'd like tomorrow to go...
Breakfast: Fresh mango.
Midmorning: NO COFFEE, Water if energy dips.
Lunch: Tuna salad and a pretzel bun (I made some pretty intense pretzel buns tonight).
Afternoon: cherry tomatoes + chopped cucumber.
Dinner: Cantaloupe + fennel bulb + mint + feta + lemon vinaigrette & chicken breast.
After dinner: Papaya grenata.
And walk a mile.

I know that fruit is still sugar.. SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR. What I'm walking away from is CANDY. Trying to avoid the chocolate, the coke, the cake, the cookies, the CRAP. Small steps. Also trying to cut back on coffee (and the creamers). I don't think I'd drink it black... so just nix it altogether.

OH! And yesterday I got a 2.5 mile walk in prior to eat-fest 2015.

So that's it. I'm anxious to compare this to next weekend. Make sure I do better than myself.


Saturday, May 9, 2015

Confessions of a 3 year regain.

It's May.

I started losing weight 4 years ago in May.

I started my regain about 3 years ago in May.

And here we are.

My highest documented weight was 368lbs.
My lowest documented weight was 298lbs.
A 70lb loss.

Yesterday's weigh in was 360. It has taken me 3 years to gain back that 68lbs. In a certain light, I sorta feel proud that it took that long, I mean in old days I could have put that on in a handful of months. On the other hand, I worked so hard to drop that weight. I felt so good about it. My lifestyle seemed pretty set. It wasn't just a fad diet, or a yo-yo. It was a full year of successful loss, making consistently good choices.

I maintained 320-330lbs for the past year or so. But this winter was brutal emotionally. I ate  my way through it and in the past 3 months I have gained 30lbs. I have to put a stop to it.

I need to take a moment and reassess what I'm doing to my body and take into account what my actions are doing to my emotional state (aggravating it - of course).

Over the past 3 years I can pinpoint the gains around events.
- mono, bedridden, eating ice cream to soothe the swelling and necrosis of tonsil tissue. Reintroducing sugar addiction into my diet. (first 10lbs gain).
- Starting to date a man that I felt I needed to "cook" for - aka: ordering in frequently to spoil him. That pressure only came from within though. (probably a good 30lbs over time).
- Working for a nutritionist who was not about nutrition, but money making - shaking my faith in what people call healthy. (10lbs)
- Moving away from NYC where walking becomes much less common place. (15lbs).
- Working for a car dealership that made me go out of my skull with anger/paranoia/depression. (15lbs).

What I am finding most difficult to get over is that I'm a statistic. Yup. I thought I'd be above that. Well, Ego, Swallow the bitter pill of Get-Over-Yourself. I am part of the 80% of dieters who re-gain after a significant loss. I haven't regained more than the original loss, my last thread of pride, but I'm only 8lbs away from that so... Let's just say I don't have that thread either. It may be better to let go of all success and start fresh.

I make lists of behaviors I want to change, but I haven't been flexing willpower to change anything. Like about 50% of americans out there, I am paying for a membership to a facility that I haven't used for over 2 months. I have abandoned diet plans. I have 3 calorie & activity trackers on my phone collecting digital dust.

So what am I going to do about it?

Let's start by being honest.

Weight: 360lbs
Shirt size: 5x
Pant size: 26-28
Emotional wellbeing: Shaky at best, stubborn, prone to outbursts.
Mental wellbeing: lazy and distracted.
Physical wellbeing: bum right ankle (think I broke it when I moved here and didn't see a doc), tired joints, fatigue after roughly a mile and a half of walking, knees aren't feeling too great - avoiding squats and lunges. Shoulders have also been experiencing weakness. Suspect body is falling apart due to weight and starting to feel the effects of aging with faaaat.

Do I want to lose weight?  Yes.
Enough to change my lifestyle completely? Yes.
Enough to change my lifestyle and patterns with my beau? Yes.
Enough to leave him behind (not break up) and get out and do this myself? Yes.

Where to start - Assessment. 

Day in the life of my stomach...
AM - Water, multivitamin.
AM - Coffee - two creamers, McD's sausage egg McMuffin (how lost have I become?!)
Noon - Water 2x & left overs (pasta 2x this week, sandwich 1x, chips and salsa/hummus 1x).
Afternoon - Can of coke/coffee two creamers.
Evening - enormous helpings of whatever is made - pasta, frittata, cake, salmon cream cheese.
Later evening - something sweet, usually ice cream, or slurpee, or a handful of chocolate chips.
Rinse, repeat.

Okay. So things we all know. 80% of the battle is diet. 20% is activity. You can't out run a bad diet.

My first goal is to check in on this blog once a day. Report the eatings and movings. I make no other promises at this point. But I need to accomplish this one small thing and show myself I can make this promise to myself and keep it. I'm building rapport and trust with myself. 

Eventually I'd like to get to goals like - track calories on myfitnesspal every day. Eat under a certain amount. Get 30 min of activity in every day. Start weight training again. Drink more water. Cut out sweets, no sugar, low carb, high protein. I mean, mentally, I know all the things that work, but habit building is going to be key here. So let's start with a small success. Blogging every day. Refocusing my mind on healthful living by talking about it more often. Bringing it to the forefront. It's been buried by relationship issues, finances, moving across the country 2x, etc etc, DISTRACTIONS.

So that's it for today. More tomorrow.


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