Saturday, August 25, 2012

Challenging Body Concept

Friday Success...
- LOTS of oranges. 
- Good protein sources. 
- Floated around 1800 calories (that's an improvement, I promise). 
- 140 fl oz of water. 

Saturday Success... 
- 160 fl oz of water. 
- Caught up on a lot of sleep that I've been lacking. 
- Bleached a lot of the house down so no one else gets sick. 

Things are good. I'm trying to up the fluids... what I'm seeing for now is that I'm just seeing the scale numbers go up... from 298 to 302. I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THE 300's ANYMORE. But small successes, right? Build a good habit. Give it time to pay off. Getting better hydrated will help my skin pull back. 
I think I'm going to challenge my body concept again... like when I went running on the busiest street in Pocatello... I'm want to do life art modeling... aka: posing there nude for art classes. My coworker has done it for years and is going to put me in contact with some art schools around here. I'm going to think about it for a little while. Get my fitness stuff going again, weight loss in motion and do this to get over the body image insecurity. For now, I'm researching positions and going to get the yoga stuff going again. 

Big Fat Water Balloon Love, 

Friday, August 24, 2012

Doing It Again

The SSSD Challenge is getting closer to being done. I wish that I'd done the challenges better, but know that it's been kinda crap timing to be trying to add things to my plate.  

I hopped on the new Allan Challenge. I need the daily email thing... the reminders that I'm trying to lose weight. It's weird how different this weight loss experience is while trying to relocate and make it through life.

But the good news is that things are calming down. Life is always going to be hectic. Now that I've got a job going and a couple of side gigs, money is MUCH less of a stress. I move to the new, permanent location on Wednesday (own room, functional kitchen, peaceful space).

Myra mentioned finding the daily successes and keeping myself on track. I need to commit to that. I want to get back on track. Blog every day, force myself to think about health and be able to recognize and reward good choices. It makes things more exciting.

Thursday's success... 
Breakfast: Veggie stir-fry.
Lunch: turkey pita + banana.
Snack: Peaches (from my home town!) + an orange.
Dinner: bagel with lox and cream cheese.
Snack: mini cook up of spaghetti.

My carbs are up up up. They've been up up up since I got here. However, I found a good market with tasty produce (not the cheapest, but it's consistently GOOD).

I spaced my eating out more so I don't come home and eat the entire world at night. It mostly worked. I was up pretty late and that's why spaghetti happened. So... get my sleeping back in order and I'll help that as well.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Quick update

Weight: 298 (+ some).

The throat infection is finally gone. I'm still waiting on test results. The docs have them, they have just not "interpreted them." psh. It's weird though. Now all that throat cheese is gone, it took some of my tonsils with it.

Things are good. Had a couple friends in town on their way back from Ghana. Entertaining is hard when you're trying to get enough sleep to be healthy.

Having to let boys that I've previously gone on dates with that I'm no longer available. An experience I've never had before.

Moving to the new apartment fully this weekend. I've taken over a suitcase already. One more and a giant garbage bag of clothes.

Proof that I'm alive. 
Interviewing for more jobs. I may have gotten a job on the west coast doing computer nerdy stuff (at home in NYC). It would be running facebook, twitter, youtube, wordpress and updating documents for another nutritionist. The Doc's girlfriend...   I hope I can get going on that. The money would be good.

Got a raise. From 12.50 to 14.00 an hour. Life is generally pretty good. I'm starting my new fitness stuff when I get into the new house. I live next to a cemetery. Perfect to start running again.

Feeling flabby. Feeling fat. Feeling gross about my body. All those things happen when I'm not actively doing something to improve it. I'm enthusiastic to turn that around again - as opposed to intimidated like I have been. I will be starting from the ground up again. Luckily, I haven't gained a bunch of weight right now in the off season.

Big Fat Update Love,

Monday, August 13, 2012


Still sick. I got all the way down to 287 this week and all the way up to 298. I think I'm sitting at 296 today. Honestly... I don't care. Can I just be healthy already!?

It's not strep throat. I went back to the doc today for cultures.

I'll find out in the next couple days. But when the doc asked for second opinions, the word "mono" was bandied about.

Please let it not be mono.

My boss has been so good to me over this sick time. I may actually come out of this with a raise? I don't know how that works. But it might be that he caught wind that I'm applying for other jobs.

Still tired. Still just hanging out, drinking tea and clear broths. Today I was mad and ate a subway veggie sandwich. small bites. Chewed thoroughly. It was awesome. and it helped scrape some of the shit off my tonsils while going down. Another day of soup tomorrow.

*grumble grumble*soup is not a food, but merely a glorified beverage.

Big Fat Mono? Love,

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Midweek Update... and a gross photo.

Okay. So life hasn't fallen completely apart since Sunday.

Monday... I stayed home and tried to nurse the sore throat while it just got worse. I decided that Boy II is dumb and the ultimatum thing is a BIG RED FLAG... So I'm giving Boy I another chance.

Tuesday... I went to the job interview at the kids store/guided play classes. It went SO well! Met the 4 different managers and the CFO, went to two different locations for tours, sat in on a really playful and fun kids class. Everyone was kind, enthusiastic. They promote within house and ALL of the managers INCLUDING the CFO try to put in a little time as a Front Desk Admin just to brush up on procedures. It's such a great work environment. If I pass a background check (psh... allllll those felonies), I believe I will be getting a job offer from them shortly.

The doc texted me back on Tuesday and told me to visit a different doc in the building and asked him to see me as a favor. So I got a $500 check up for free. I've got a wicked case of strep and finally have some antibiotics. (shhhh... I didn't know what it was prior to the interview - hope no one gets sick).

Look at those things. They look like Bleu Cheese Nuggets. So swollen. So irritated. 
I'm done taking the birth control until after my lady doc visit in a week or so. My moods have leveled out so much already.

Also, got to talk to my friend back home. She's decided to give me a loan to replace the loan from my roommate. Sounds silly, right? Well Friend Back Home makes a good amount of money every year and doesn't live with me so I'm not reminded that I'm in debt every morning, noon and night. So I took her up on it. Under the condition that she doesn't see payment until I'm squared away in a full-time position and my stress has gone down. And mom and dad caught wind of the illness stuff and the stress stuff, they've put a little check in the mail. $100. It's totally enough to make the difference between eating a cheap and healthy salad and eating nutritiously negative ramen. I feel like I can handle this. Life is back within my grasp. I feel bad accepting money from my parents because they aren't that wealthy right now... not at all. So I'm hoping that with the potential new job at the kids play place, I can sneak it back to them.

Seriously... I don't know what I would do without my friends and family. I've had so much help with this move. So much support. So many good feelings returned to me. If I can keep my stress in a normal range... I think I'll be able to beat off this immune issue that always arises when I'm stressed to the hilt.

There is that niggling thought that tells me I wouldn't be having this issue... the health issue or the over loaded stress issue if I were eating better and working out. I know that I ultimatum-ed myself a couple weeks ago to start the new work out regime on the 6th. It's going to have to wait until I'm not infected and can breathe and swallow properly. But I'm serious, deathly serious about starting again. I talked to Boy I about it. He'll even support me and work out with me. I want to kick his ass. heh.

Big Fat It's Looking Up Love,

Sunday, August 5, 2012

SSSD Update

Weigh in: 293 (-0) 

It has been a tough week. 

Firstly, I'm on a high dose birth control pill (because I filled the wrong prescription and bought 5 months worth). So I'm already more emotional than normal. I might normally get depressed or a little snippy come this week. But my moods have been OFF THE CHARTS. 

Secondly, Wednesday. I'm walking to the train for work. I get about 2 blocks from home and get caught in a down pour. I was able to stay pretty chipper... I mean, I was going to be early for work, I could strip down and dry off in one of the examining rooms if I needed to. 

I get to the train station, Drenched. I put my metro card in the machine to get it t reloaded. I swipe my debit card. It takes the last $104 in my account and gives me back my card. I grab the receipt. *ALWAYS GRAB THE RECEIPT*. swipe the card. nothing. "see agent." I try to purchase the card again. "insufficient funds." I talk to the lady behind the glass. 

"Hi. I just tried to reload my card and it took my money, but didn't re-"
"Take it." She shoves an envelope toward me.
"Is there anyone I can talk to?"
"You gotta send it in." 
"Do you know how long that will take?" 
"You gotta send it in. Call 511 for more information." 

Helpful. Really helpful. I dig through my wallet and grab the last $5 to my name (reserved for laundry this weekend) and purchase two rides on the train. to and from work. I'm already not making enough money to cover my bills. I call 511... I'm so distracted I can't tell a word that they're saying. So I hang up and text my coworker. They'll cut my check a day early so I can come to work on Thursday. But the damage of having a missing $104 is already done. Not to mention, I'm still fighting Bally for $70 this month. I still owe Tamara $1075 for the new apartment. I started bawling at the station. This is abnormal. Normally... it's list and number crunching time and look at bill due dates and figure it out. But I just couldn't do it. 

I tried to report the metrocard stolen. Since it was. Stolen by MTA. The CSR tried to help me. I explained the whole thing honestly. He said he'd put it in as stolen if that's what I'd like. Research showed that reporting it stolen gets your money back in 4-10 days. Submitting the paperwork takes up to 4 months. 

I'm searching for new jobs... sending out about 20 resumes a day. Hoping to get noticed. Knowing that if I can score and interview, I can score a job. Gotta get more income. Gotta get ahead. Gotta get off this birth control. Gotta work more hours for the doc. 

Thursday rolls around. Got a job interview for Tuesday. MUST GET JOB. Start feeling kinda woosey and sick at work. Don't have insurance. Not feeling the greatest. What do you do? Notice that my lymph nodes are swollen on one side. Shit. Indicator of infection. or cancer (thank you web MD, creators of all things hypochondriac). Gotta get more income. Gotta get off this birth control. 

Boy II starts talking to me. He wants to get serious. But if we are, he requests that I cut off all contact with Boy I. I hate this situation. I told boy II, "You get two ultimatums ever. You have one left." I tell Boy I (who I will admit, not the healthiest of relationships) that we've gotta end it. Him sobbing on the phone. Me sobbing on the phone... saying let's work on it. Sobbing some more. Gotta get more income. Gotta get off this birth control. 

Friday. I tell Boy II that I called things off. Lovely conversation. Light-hearted. I forget the bullshit of life for just a second. Still sick. Stayed home. Drank tea. Applied for more jobs. Gotta get more income. Gotta get off this birth control. 

Went to the Women's Clinic (free). Gotta pee in a cup. Drink water. Cry. Sit in a waiting room. Drink water. Pee in cup. Cry. Have an appointment in two weeks to get off this birth control. Must bring in all my paper work. No HIV, no pregnancy. Cry. Gotta get more income. Gotta get off this birth control. 

Applied for more jobs. Get a phone call from MTA. They can't report the card stolen. Have to mail in the card. Cry. Submitted paper work to get $104 back. It'll be a nice surprise in 4 months, right? 

Saturday. Still have swollen glands. Cry. Drink water. Drink tea. gargle salt water. stay in bed. Watch the entire first season of the Tudors. Cry. Talk to Boy I about how much he wishes that I would reconsider. Cry. Cry. Cry. Take ibuprofen. Cry.Applied for more jobs. Gotta get more income. Gotta get off this birth control. 

Sunday...   Here we are. One interview. One appointment to get off the birth control. Still have swollen glands. No pounds down, but dammit, I'm alive. 

Sorry I'm not an inspiration right now, guys. I can't even think beyond the whole - gotta get more income. Gotta get off this birth control. - thing. I'm trying to eat healthy... About right now, my budget is ramen. Spaghetti and canned sauce. ground turkey in the sauce when I can buy it. An apple or banana. And a giant container of yogurt. It's stupid. But it's life sometimes. And I've gotta document it. Because even when life is stressful and shitty... you still have to be accountable. 

Big Fat THIS IS HARD Love, 
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