Sunday, March 31, 2013

We all know what silence means...

Weight gain. Plain and simple.

I was all the way up to 327 after my friend Sarah came to visit. We toured NYC with our maws wide open. Also, why I haven't blogged in a little bit. I've been overwhelmed.

Today I'm at 321. 

I've been doing about 4 days of research. Because this weight gain has freaked me out. I can't undo everything I've done. I can't. I REFUSE...

What I know about my relationship with food right now... 
I love sugar.
I love carbs.
I love cheese.
I love meat.
I love some veggies.
I love all fruits.

I can motivate myself (realistically) 3 times a week to get to the gym for cardio and a short weight session.

I can track calories on the MFP app on the train.

I know that carbs = instant fat.

I know that dad is a type-2 diabete.

I know that mom has a penchant for breads and sweets as well.

I know that I can give up sugar - I've done it before.

I know that I can give up white death - I've done it before.

I started the weightloss thing last time with something extreme as a juice fast. With the support of one of my roommates and my boyfriend. I am going to do the low carb - ketosis thing. I am aiming for carbs between 25-35g per day.

It will require incessant tracking. I have already grocery shopped. I have already prepped all the meats. I have already pre-bagged my veggie snacks. I put my bread and clif bars in the freezer, where they shall stay until a higher carb day.

How I understand the whole ketosis plan works is that your body stores a certain amount of sugar based energy (glycogen) in your body (liver, I think) for power/energy. So when you are going about your daily to-do, you use that to power you through. If you can deplete the store of glycogen in the body, you can get your body to use fat as an energy source instead.

The pattern of this way of eating is that you spend two weeks doing the super low carb thing. Then allow yourself one day of healthy carbs (see: potatoes, fruit, etc, not candy, or brownies, or pizza). After the initial two weeks, you continue 6 days low carb, 1 day carb, 6 days low carb, 1 day carb. Also after the first two weeks you can readjust the carb levels to suit your needs.

From friends/family that have had diabetes, I know that you wind up having to live this way. And from the nutritionist's office, I know that it's usually recommended that carbs should stay between 75-80g for a person with diabetes. Breads, sweets, things that raise the blood sugar levels are things that you have to keep limited and paced throughout the day.

Mentally, this is a challenge for me to see if I can play out how life would be if I actually had diabetes. Each time I log a meal, it's like checking my blood sugar. It's keeping an eye on my carbs and fiber (as much as I'd like to just eat my entire day in cheese, I rather enjoy pooping). I know that if I continue to gain weight... or even maintain the weight I am currently at, I am on the road for diabetes, knee surgery, back pain, poor circulation, worsening vision, hair loss...   not to mention the emotional baggage and guilt that comes with all of that.

I am finanically stable. I am in a stable relationship. I have a stable housing situation. I have established routine. There is always an the element of "unexpected" in life... and that's consistent too. So here we go.

I have completed day one...

I didn't starve myself today. I had cheese cubes, lunch meat, spinach, tomatoes, carrots, celery, dressing, a small steak, and some seed nuggets. I can honestly say, I don't really feel hungry. But my mouth feels greasy. Majority of my calories came from cheese and meat - obviously, hence the fat and protein being over "normal." I expect that may happen a bit these next two weeks.

What I expect will happen with my body and weight... 

I anticipate that the next 3 days will go really well. The fridge is stocked for success.
There will be fatigue and sluggishness as my body is switching to a different energy source.
That I will see the scale start moving in the downwards direction.
That I will be able to stay under 1700 calories a day.
That I will make excuses to cheat, or find ways to undermine myself... I know you, Nanette. You do that. And just so you know, Motivated Nanette will be ready to fight dirty.
That I will encounter people that find what I'm doing unhealthy... or will ask me to consume something different than what I said I would and that I will stay strong in my decision for myself.

Big Fat Don't Care if You Agree Love,

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Check in... late

I'm sad to check in late because Sundays weigh in number was better.

Weight: 316.2 (-.8).
Water: 3/7 over 100oz days.
Workouts: 2 hours dog walking, an extra 30 min walk and two hours at the gym (1.5 hours bikes, .5 weights).
Calories: Tracking 100% every day. I'm getting more accurate. It's amazing how much you forget if you don't record it immediately. I'm sticking to 1980 calories a day. Some days I go over (pizza at work days) and some days I'm really under (packed my lunch for work days).

I've got a workout buddy on Wednesdays and I'm scheduling social work outs with friends. Because that's a commitment I always keep... I always keep my social plans. Gonna run with it.

Food...  When I start eating, I don't really stop. So I take lunches packed with baby carrots or cherry tomatoes so I can eat one at a time through out the day. I've also begun a habit of grinding my teeth (that started months ago). I'm sure that these things are related.

The future... This upcoming week, Laura (losing for her wedding) and I are going to try break that habit together by brushing our teeth as soon as each meal is over. Everything afterwards will taste gross for a while and who couldn't use a little more tooth brushing in their lives?

I'm planning my success with fitness...  

Wednesday - gym with Laura
Thursday - gym with Cat.
Friday - gym with Sarah.
Saturday - work work work.
Sunday - work work work.
Monday - gym on my own - because I need to have independent discipline.
Tuesday - DATE DAY - aka: I'll be getting a non-gym work out.

Planning a menu...   it's going to be rough this week because I've got a guest staying with me. But I'm going to keep packing my work lunches. I may be going out for dinner more. So I'll have to make the best decisions I can. I'm trying to steer us towards seafood and japanese food (non-fried). We'll see how it goes.

Big Fat Future Love,

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Good morning!

Hit the bikes at the gym yesterday. 30 minutes at a moderate difficulty... Working on building my quad muscles. The gym...   was absolutely packed. I was lucky enough to hit someone transitioning off the bikes and that left their water bottle on the machine, so people thought it was taken. I'm hoping that as the gym gets less new, that the machines open up a bit more. Granted, it was 6:00pm and everyone was doing the same thing as me and stopping in after work.

Yesterday's eating...
Breakfast: yogurt
Snack: avocado
Lunch: half a slice of pizza, .5 cup blueberries, a whole cucumber sliced.
Snack: Clif bar
Dinner: Steak (4oz), baked potato, handful of spinach and a pinch of blue cheese.
Snack: spoonful of peanut butter (non-sweetened, non-salted). and two slices of turkey.

Reflecting on the G Train
So I would say it's the first pretty good day in a long while. And even then, the food, not amazing. But half a slice instead of half a pie = improvement. Getting both fruit, veg and protein... not just carbs and cheese = improvement. 30 minutes on the gym instead of just sitting at home trying to decide to cook or order in... = IMPROVEMENT.

I'm off and running today. Lots of errands. Post office, dog walking, love my roommate's cat thoroughly while she's out of town, gym, laundry, figure out the bills, scrub the bathroom and take a hot hot bath. ROUGH LIFE!

This is the first week of my new hours. So I have two days off in a row. I don't even know what I'm going to do with all this time. But I'm doing my darndest to make sure it's not just eating. Take advantage of the gym... two days of motion... Since desk work is my life the other 5 days a week.

Big Fat Had Time To Update Love,

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Just realized...

That it's been more than a week since I've checked in.

Weight has been fluctuating like crazy. As low as 307 and as high as 320 in the past two weeks. And I've tried that on two different scales (one at the doc's office and one at my house).

Today's weight is 317.

And I hit panic mode the past couple of days. I did a revamp of my fridge. I threw out all and any foods that I shouldn't even HAVE in my house (candy, brownie mix, pasta). I bought enough frozen chicken breasts for a small army so no matter what happens. I can ALWAYS cook at home. Loaded up on fruit and veg.

Despite my previous crappy experience with Bally Total Fitness, I have joined another gym. Bally Total Fitness is a total bitch to quit. You basically have to die to get out of that contract. Luckily, the chiropractor would lie for me and tell them that I have a lower lumbar disorder.

I joined Planet Fitness yesterday. Black card member. I can go to any of the locations in the city (there are many), plus the one I go to is DIRECTLY outside of a subway stop right off my line. It's $20 a month. $1 membership sign up. I can bring a guest for free each time if I need moral support. I signed up for 12 months. If I can afford to spend $30 for a meal with a friend. one. one single meal. One SINGLE meal... I can afford a $20 a month fee for something I can use as often as I would like.

I took the tour and plugged my ipod in. I biked for 30 min. It was so much harder than the last time I biked at the gym.

I'm trying to stop comparing... There is only forward. I haven't accomplished anything yet. I lost a bunch of weight that I'm slowly regaining. How many times to I have to tell myself that it's a new start? Stop holding myself to previous standards...   Meanwhile, if I say "restart" one more time I'm going to vomit. So here's the deal...

Every day is another chance to do better. Every bite is a choice. Every time I decide to stay in because of the gross weather, or because this show on netflix is too good, or my day was too long... I am making a choice to stay fat.

Gotta improve my ratio of Fat Choices vs. Healthy Choices. Gotta improve my acuity of observation... Gotta see when I'm MAKING those decisions too. Improve the self awareness. Have some internal quietude so I can step back and watch.

Last week was my last week at the Doc's. I'm starting new. Afresh. Getting to move forward with fewer work obligations by only having one job. Let's hope I can keep it simple. :)

Big Fat New Gym Member Love,

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