Returning to Consistency.

Today's Weight: 342.8lbs 

Okay... so we all know that I've been negative and lame lately. I have been reading some of my fellow bloggers and they have been fighting the exact same fight but with different tactics... 

300lbs down - Holly lost a SIGNIFICANT amount of weight and incurred a SIGNIFICANT regain. She has the most uplifting posts and the best attitude ever. She is exactly where I am right now. Struggling to get back on the horse. Being disappointed and mistrusting yourself despite knowing how to fix the problem. 

WhoAteMyBlog?- Steven was making amazing progress. He lost so much more than I ever have. But he's on the regain due to injury. He is so transparent with us about his struggle with binge eating. In this post he specifically captures the desperation and defeat that I have been feeling. I know he's gonna pull through it. He just will. He can do it. I believe in him. 

I believe in myself. The hope I have for Steven and Holly... I hope for myself too. While I feel like I may not deserve hope. I need to give myself the benefit of the doubt and know that I will make progress. 

Holly has been following a self-made program. She has returned to dieting that worked for her previously and activity in a similar manner as she had before. But in miniature. Making small goals. So small it may seem even silly that they are "goals." It is not silly. It is a great way to gain confidence in your ability to follow through. 

She mentioned mistrusting herself after weight gain. That really resonated with me. When I stop trusting someone, I cut them off. I disappear. Mistrusting myself is exactly what's happening here. It's my defeatism narrowed down to a cause. I have thought of making goals and then dismissed the idea, "I'm not going to reach it anyway." Or, "Who cares? I've messed it up before, too." 

I am in a terribly apathetic and negative thought cycle. It is a battle of the sizes. 

INNER TWIG vs BABY WHALE!!!  

IT: Come on! You have gained so much weight. Let's change it up! 

BW: HA! You make it sound so easy. 

IT: It is. Make a small change. Just say no to cravings. Just say no to being motionless. 

BW: You don't understand how hard it is to be me. I'm too stressed out to take on yet another project. 

IT: COME ON! You don't even have to leave the house when you get home. Just take 15 min and do a little body weight work out. 

BW: But I hurt and I'm tired and Will is here. I want to spend time with him. 

IT: Then just go over there and do some push ups, squats, lunges, SOMETHING. 

BW: I can't do that in front of him. He will tell me I'm doing it wrong and I'll get all gross and sweaty. 

IT: Fine. Enjoy your big fat life. Enjoy your excuses. 

And Inner Twig is down for the count. Rematch? Tomorrow morning. Baby Whale has been getting a lot more practice running things and has become a very difficult opponent. It is time to start helping Inner Twig out... giving her a few easy fights to bolster her confidence. 

Then of course there are the days when neither side are fighting and I just completely forget how fat I am. I can disconnect from myself THAT well. Where, if isolated long enough, I feel completely normal about myself. Which is okay for existing, but how can I forget my goals when my goals manifest themselves SO LARGELY!?!? My body and brain are trying so hard to maintain stasis! 

I've also been reading Nerd Fitness. The Emails are great. The guy who writes the site is hilarious and insightful. He recommended making your weight loss a game. What kind of character do you want to develop? Full on RPG. You get more stamina points with cardio, you get more strength with resistance training. It is all very clever! I love the concept "Level Up."

Of course, out of all the things I'm reading, I'm picking and choosing my favorite parts and trying to come up with a cohesive plan for myself. 

The best work out is one that you'll do says Nerd Fitness... 

Activities I Love: Aquacise, swimming, biking, walking, body weight training, weight lifting. 

Activities I HATE: Running, Anything with the word "jumping." Skiing. Things that I perceive as dangerous. 

Activities I have let go over the years: basketball, track, hiking, jump rope, biking), dancing, gymnastics, yoga, horseback riding.
Activities I have never tried: Any martial arts, Rope training, Formal lap swimming, Any sport that requires upper body strength, skateboarding, 

Identify problem foods. Or go back to what you know worked for you. - Holly. 

Problem foods: Candy, pastas, bread, cheese without moderation, pizza, burgers. Basically carbs and sugar. 

What worked for me: 

• Small meals 6x a day. 
• Precut/bagged veggies ready to go. 
• Pre-cooked chicken breasts + salads for dinner. 
• VERY low caloric intake during the day so I can allow myself the "decadent" and larger amounts at night when I want it the most. 
• PLANNING - Making decisions in advance, to reduce the last minute bad decisions.  

Create small goals. Give yourself challenges that are VERY easily attainable to build up your confidence and trust. - Holly

I have so many things I would like to accomplish right now. They can be broken down into 3 categories. Motion, Consumption and Accountability. 

MOTION - 

Using runkeeper.com I have found a route in my neighborhood that is .5 miles. It's just walking around 4 blocks. Not a big deal. It doesn't have to be fast. It doesn't have to be with a smile on my face. It doesn't have to be at a particular time of day. I am going to do that short walk 5x this week. If I afterwards feel like going further, or doing a different exercise, I just win extra. 

CONSUMPTION - 

I will eat vegetables once a day for 7 days. Write it down. What veggie did you eat? Now Draw it. 

ACCOUNTABILITY - 

I will track both of the previous items in my journal every day and summarize with ONE BLOG EVERY WEEK. The blog doesn't have to be on a certain day. It doesn't have to be a certain length. It just needs to be done. I need to reach out to the community and be a participator - less of a weight loss spectator. 

And lastly... 

Be Kind, Supportive, Authentic and Non-Judgmental Towards Yourself. - Steven. 

Big Fat Love, 

Nanette