Tuesday, July 26, 2011

An Introduction - Day One. PG-13


I'm fat. I've been fat for as long as I can remember. Even when I was younger and I wasn't ACTUALLY fat, I thought I was fat. I had brothers, dance teachers, peers and other family who told me I was fat. I believed them and gave up VERY early on being healthy.

My father, at his heaviest, was 658lbs. He loved to treat us to ice cream, pizza, hamburgers and other things that are very tasty. If we would bring them home, he would pay for it. He loves TV, computer games, talking and learning about his kids. He is an excellent listener and for this reason, he was definitely the favored parent, at least in my case. Over time I've definitely picked up a lot of his bad habits. Mom always had fresh veggies cut in the kitchen and went running/walking/biking every morning with her jogging partner. It was an example that I didn't follow.

I had a job at 12 working for my dad. I would use my tiny paychecks to buy candy or cookies. I quickly became a closet eater. And having been self-conscious about being fat at such a young age, I came up with a list of fat rules like...

  1. Always get in the car first or last... so they don't notice how much it sinks when you get in. 
  2. Always wear sleeves... No cap sleeves, or tank tops... even with a swimsuit, wear a t-shirt. 
  3. Never let them see you eat...
  4. Never talk about food... Not even if they ask your opinion about where to go for dinner. 
  5. Do whatever you can to not jiggle or wobble... no running, no jumping
  6. Do whatever you can to not sweat... fat people sweat. 

I did a lot of reading. I did a lot of theater (pretending I was someone else)... I tried a lot of different activities, like dance, track, girl scouts - moving slowly to more sedentary activities - piano, violin, reading, yearbook, newspaper.

Throw in a dash of angsty teenager who doesn't fit in with extremely conservative peers, a poor self image, no tools to cope with my internal issues and WHAM! you have morbidly obese young adult and growing.

I am not much of a dieter. I don't like to concentrate on what I can't eat... However, I've made small efforts throughout the past few years to be healthy. Limited soda, no coffee, swim class, no car/walking everywhere and better quality sleep.

As a college student, it just seems like convenience has been key to survival. College is ending now... and I had it brought quite frankly to my attention (and this is something I've heard from every voice teacher I've ever had)... "Honestly, if you go to an audition, you may be dismissed on size alone. That doesn't need to count against you." So I guess it's time to get the healthy train moving.

Anyway...   this is the beginning of change. In addition to my dad's recent hospitalization and weight loss, I saw the movie Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. I'm trying a 60 day juice fast in efforts to drop some of this excess weight I'm hauling around. If you've seen it, the bowling ball image really hit me... I'm hauling around enough bowling balls to supply an entire bowling alley!

Here's the jumping point... Day one was yesterday, so this blog will be one day off...   a recollective blog.

Physical state...

60oz juice, 110oz water. No head aches. Just fatigue and a whole lot of peeing.
368 lbs to start. 128/92 blood pressure.

Mental state...

I love my body. I am a confident, sexy woman. I am a fat, sexy woman. I would like to be a healthy, sexy woman. Healthy doesn't mean thin to me. Healthy means healthy. This body is my vehicle for experiencing joy, food, affection, fun... LIFE. The healthier I am, the more life I can enjoy. I miss roller coasters. I want to not be the fat person that people don't want to sit next to on planes. I want to be a firecracker on stage that people can't say "no" to hiring. I don't want to have to wear costumes that are thrown together or that don't fit because they don't know how to costume a size 28 woman.

Here's to grabbing life by the balls... Here's to living to the fullest... Here's to Juice Day number One. Here's to loving ourselves and making decisions for a healthier us.

I'll Juice To That,

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