Confessions of a 3 year regain.

It's May.

I started losing weight 4 years ago in May.

I started my regain about 3 years ago in May.

And here we are.

My highest documented weight was 368lbs.
My lowest documented weight was 298lbs.
A 70lb loss.

Yesterday's weigh in was 360. It has taken me 3 years to gain back that 68lbs. In a certain light, I sorta feel proud that it took that long, I mean in old days I could have put that on in a handful of months. On the other hand, I worked so hard to drop that weight. I felt so good about it. My lifestyle seemed pretty set. It wasn't just a fad diet, or a yo-yo. It was a full year of successful loss, making consistently good choices.

I maintained 320-330lbs for the past year or so. But this winter was brutal emotionally. I ate  my way through it and in the past 3 months I have gained 30lbs. I have to put a stop to it.

I need to take a moment and reassess what I'm doing to my body and take into account what my actions are doing to my emotional state (aggravating it - of course).

Over the past 3 years I can pinpoint the gains around events.
- mono, bedridden, eating ice cream to soothe the swelling and necrosis of tonsil tissue. Reintroducing sugar addiction into my diet. (first 10lbs gain).
- Starting to date a man that I felt I needed to "cook" for - aka: ordering in frequently to spoil him. That pressure only came from within though. (probably a good 30lbs over time).
- Working for a nutritionist who was not about nutrition, but money making - shaking my faith in what people call healthy. (10lbs)
- Moving away from NYC where walking becomes much less common place. (15lbs).
- Working for a car dealership that made me go out of my skull with anger/paranoia/depression. (15lbs).

What I am finding most difficult to get over is that I'm a statistic. Yup. I thought I'd be above that. Well, Ego, Swallow the bitter pill of Get-Over-Yourself. I am part of the 80% of dieters who re-gain after a significant loss. I haven't regained more than the original loss, my last thread of pride, but I'm only 8lbs away from that so... Let's just say I don't have that thread either. It may be better to let go of all success and start fresh.

I make lists of behaviors I want to change, but I haven't been flexing willpower to change anything. Like about 50% of americans out there, I am paying for a membership to a facility that I haven't used for over 2 months. I have abandoned diet plans. I have 3 calorie & activity trackers on my phone collecting digital dust.

So what am I going to do about it?

Let's start by being honest.

Weight: 360lbs
Shirt size: 5x
Pant size: 26-28
Emotional wellbeing: Shaky at best, stubborn, prone to outbursts.
Mental wellbeing: lazy and distracted.
Physical wellbeing: bum right ankle (think I broke it when I moved here and didn't see a doc), tired joints, fatigue after roughly a mile and a half of walking, knees aren't feeling too great - avoiding squats and lunges. Shoulders have also been experiencing weakness. Suspect body is falling apart due to weight and starting to feel the effects of aging with faaaat.

Do I want to lose weight?  Yes.
Enough to change my lifestyle completely? Yes.
Enough to change my lifestyle and patterns with my beau? Yes.
Enough to leave him behind (not break up) and get out and do this myself? Yes.

Where to start - Assessment. 

Day in the life of my stomach...
AM - Water, multivitamin.
AM - Coffee - two creamers, McD's sausage egg McMuffin (how lost have I become?!)
Noon - Water 2x & left overs (pasta 2x this week, sandwich 1x, chips and salsa/hummus 1x).
Afternoon - Can of coke/coffee two creamers.
Evening - enormous helpings of whatever is made - pasta, frittata, cake, salmon cream cheese.
Later evening - something sweet, usually ice cream, or slurpee, or a handful of chocolate chips.
Rinse, repeat.

Okay. So things we all know. 80% of the battle is diet. 20% is activity. You can't out run a bad diet.

My first goal is to check in on this blog once a day. Report the eatings and movings. I make no other promises at this point. But I need to accomplish this one small thing and show myself I can make this promise to myself and keep it. I'm building rapport and trust with myself. 

Eventually I'd like to get to goals like - track calories on myfitnesspal every day. Eat under a certain amount. Get 30 min of activity in every day. Start weight training again. Drink more water. Cut out sweets, no sugar, low carb, high protein. I mean, mentally, I know all the things that work, but habit building is going to be key here. So let's start with a small success. Blogging every day. Refocusing my mind on healthful living by talking about it more often. Bringing it to the forefront. It's been buried by relationship issues, finances, moving across the country 2x, etc etc, DISTRACTIONS.

So that's it for today. More tomorrow.

XO,
N