Midweek Update... and a gross photo.

Okay. So life hasn't fallen completely apart since Sunday.

Monday... I stayed home and tried to nurse the sore throat while it just got worse. I decided that Boy II is dumb and the ultimatum thing is a BIG RED FLAG... So I'm giving Boy I another chance.

Tuesday... I went to the job interview at the kids store/guided play classes. It went SO well! Met the 4 different managers and the CFO, went to two different locations for tours, sat in on a really playful and fun kids class. Everyone was kind, enthusiastic. They promote within house and ALL of the managers INCLUDING the CFO try to put in a little time as a Front Desk Admin just to brush up on procedures. It's such a great work environment. If I pass a background check (psh... allllll those felonies), I believe I will be getting a job offer from them shortly.

The doc texted me back on Tuesday and told me to visit a different doc in the building and asked him to see me as a favor. So I got a $500 check up for free. I've got a wicked case of strep and finally have some antibiotics. (shhhh... I didn't know what it was prior to the interview - hope no one gets sick).

Look at those things. They look like Bleu Cheese Nuggets. So swollen. So irritated. 

I'm done taking the birth control until after my lady doc visit in a week or so. My moods have leveled out so much already.

Also, got to talk to my friend back home. She's decided to give me a loan to replace the loan from my roommate. Sounds silly, right? Well Friend Back Home makes a good amount of money every year and doesn't live with me so I'm not reminded that I'm in debt every morning, noon and night. So I took her up on it. Under the condition that she doesn't see payment until I'm squared away in a full-time position and my stress has gone down. And mom and dad caught wind of the illness stuff and the stress stuff, they've put a little check in the mail. $100. It's totally enough to make the difference between eating a cheap and healthy salad and eating nutritiously negative ramen. I feel like I can handle this. Life is back within my grasp. I feel bad accepting money from my parents because they aren't that wealthy right now... not at all. So I'm hoping that with the potential new job at the kids play place, I can sneak it back to them.

Seriously... I don't know what I would do without my friends and family. I've had so much help with this move. So much support. So many good feelings returned to me. If I can keep my stress in a normal range... I think I'll be able to beat off this immune issue that always arises when I'm stressed to the hilt.

There is that niggling thought that tells me I wouldn't be having this issue... the health issue or the over loaded stress issue if I were eating better and working out. I know that I ultimatum-ed myself a couple weeks ago to start the new work out regime on the 6th. It's going to have to wait until I'm not infected and can breathe and swallow properly. But I'm serious, deathly serious about starting again. I talked to Boy I about it. He'll even support me and work out with me. I want to kick his ass. heh.

Big Fat It's Looking Up Love,
Nanette

A motivational speech.

Here's what's going on in the life lately...

• Boy wants to be exclusive. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. But I'm REALLY craving some consistency. 
• Work is good. Building a better relationship with the doc and coworkers. (while looking for another job... what!? I need more hours). 
• Budget is tight. Trying to meet $1200 worth of bills with a $1000 income. 
• Roommate... is okay. I think we drive each other nuts. But it'll get better in the new apartment come August... We'll have our own rooms. 
• Food has been better. I'm still doing the famine then binge thing. I haven't had time to run to a freaking grocery store (my work hours are kind of odd).
• Sleep... I haven't had good sleep in over 3 nights now. 
• Water, Rockin' the water. 
• Exercise. Well... I'm walking lots still... moreso than normal. I've decided to stop using the subway stop close to me and use the one not so close to me just so I can get in an extra .5 miles of walking every day. 

I feel like I need to recommit. Like when I was back in Idaho... I could mentally prep myself... lay out the ground work for a plan for however long it would take me, then implement a change. I'm having a hard time controlling my life like that here. It may be that I don't have the monetary freedom to afford everything I want/need to help along the way. It may be the stress. It may be that I don't have any of my own space (I'm sharing a freaking BED, people). It may be that I haven't fully adjusted to my new life yet. Let's face it... as far as NYC living goes, I'm a novice. But i'm trying not to be discouraged. 

I need to mentally prepare. 

- Game plan. (nike fitness app + back to menus)

- Inspiration/Desire. (working on it, gotta rough myself up a little). 

- Measurable goal. (22 weeks or 5 months, aim for -10lbs a month, be happy with -7lbs). 

I need to commit to a date. 

- August 6th (when I will finally have my own room). 

As skeptical of reading a fitness book as I was for Mir's challenges... I'm starting to realize, even if it's procrastinated, it's a little *ding* reminder in my head that This is what i'm doing. So head out to a book store or re-read the one I brought with me. 

Dear Nanette, 

You have 2 weeks to come to terms with the fact that the habits you've started in this city are going to be over. You have 2 weeks to deal with the fact that working out will be your second job. You have 2 weeks to make excuses. You have 2 weeks to be lazy and let your social life rule the roost. You have 2 weeks to make lists about why you are fat, why you hate being fat, why a healthy lifestyle will benefit you and all the things you'd rather do fit and thin. 

In two weeks you will take health and wellness as seriously as if it were your job. You will show up on time to your work outs. You will respect the work out time. No one can contact you or talk you out of it. You will eat what you are supposed to because your body feels better when you do. Your energies are higher and you are a happier person. You will be in a better mental place. You will go to bed at midnight, regardless of who you're with or what you've got planned. 

Big Fat Mentally Preppin' Love, 

Nanette

The Job Update...

I got the phone call today while I was out with Jeff (dear dear friend) in Central Park.

I have a job! I start on Monday. Part-time in a nutritionist's office! I'm going to learn so many things there... mostly office related, but I'm sure I'll pick up some health tips along the way (maybe I can share them). I'm not going to give anymore details about where exactly I work for privacy reasons. But yeah... I'M SO EXCITED!!!

Thanks for all your support, guys. Now that I've finally landed something, I'm sure that structure will come back to my weight loss efforts. Set gym times, packing lunches... creating a new "system."

Also, last night, got a good round in at the gym. 30 min cardio + 45 min weights. I ate too much too close to the workout and nearly vomited on the way home.. gotta give that a little more time.

Another bit of good news! Jeff has offered to do a little basic tailoring of my work clothes for me! So I don't have to buy a whole new wardrobe just some essential pieces.

Big Fat EMPLOYED Love,
Nanette

SSSD week one wrap up.

Weight: 294 (-6!)

Measurements
Waist: 45.5" (-0")
Under Waist: 56.5" (-1.5") WHAT?!
Hips: 60" (-2/3")


Accountability
So, Myfitnesspal hasn't been working out for me. I've been carrying a post it every day and writing down everything I eat on it. I don't know the exact amount of calories I'm eating, but I'm aware of the ratio of veg/fruit/protein that I'm getting.

Part of this losing so quickly has to do with a rather upset tummy. I've been spending a bit of time on the toilet the past 24 hours and dropped 4lbs overnight. So I'm staying in and hydrating today and probably going to eat some cottage cheese. Gotta try and solid things up. heh. TMI? I don't care.

Photos...   Okay guys, Here are some photos of the NY move. I'm not a great photographer, but you'll sorta get the idea.

Shasta... The bed we sleep on together. There's more to the apt. But probably not too interesting. 

After I went to see Allan, I know, I should have gotten a photo with him. 

The Room I share with Shasta. 

The courtyard of our apt. 

The street view in front of our little abode. 

My local station. Lovely outdoor station, I may hate that in the next few months. But for now, It's charming. 

My friend Laura and I out on Union Square after a very successful interview. 

graffiti that made me laugh. 

Forgetting I'd zoomed in. 

Right BEFORE my interview with Allan. 

So there are some of the adventures. I'll have more soon...   and I'll probably post some more about the dates and stuff later this week. 6 dates, 8 days. Tell you what, that's one way to keep the grocery bill down.

Wendy... over at Eat Sleep Move talked with me last night over the phone. Getting all the gory date details and hearing the stress garbage... I've had two job offers, but have been scheduled at either one, so I'm continuing on with my job searches as though I hadn't gotten my hopes up. Without employment, I can't make commitments to things like a gym or buying new, smaller clothing... It's just such a level of stress I'm unaccustomed to. This is the longest I've ever gone unemployed... going on 14 days.

I'm losing weight, but I fear some of that is my muscle mass that I've worked so hard for. As fitness has not been the main focus of my life right now. Anyway... Wendy, out of the sweetness and kindness of her heart, hooked me up with a gym pass for the next three months. When she did, I broke down sobbing. One less thing on the plate to worry about... I'm so grateful. I feel like getting to go to the gym is going to at least give me some structure, some alone time from roommate and a way to work some stress out.

This is such a great community... this fat blogging community. Allan is trying to hook me up with a job, Wendy has helped me continue to pursue fitness... All of you support me through thick and the pursuit of thin. I would normally be too proud to accept anything like a gym pass or a job offer, but whereas I'm probably in one of the toughest transitions of my life, I'm SO humbled by the kindness and selflessness of others... and I would be an idiot to not accept the help extended to me by others.

Silly date post later...


This week's challenge: 6 hours of exercise. 

Big Fat GRATEFUL & LOWEST WEIGHT Love,
Nanette

All aboard the thought train!!!

So this split focus thing is killing me. This weekend alone, I have spent $60 going out... consuming food that isn't healthy, booze and even a dessert. I still managed to lose weight - luckily. I really think that was a fluke.

I have this pattern. I can usually concentrate on 3-4 things in my life and do them all well. Right now I'm so overwhelmed with all the stuff I've been trying to fit in and stress out about that I haven't been doing ANYTHING well. Here goes the thought train... All aboard!

A) New potentially romantic interest - this always makes things sort of go to crap and occupies way more of my thoughts than it should. And let's face it... obsession is ugly. I don't want to be ugly.

B) Finding a Job in NYC - I'm jumping the gun here. I'm not in the city yet. I can put this on the back burner for a couple weeks. But it does come with all the "I need a professional interview outfit!" Which contradicts G. Even that is jumping the gun. I don't know what size I will be when I get there!

C) Piano Tests = Graduation - Last week I found out that the pressure is still on high. With lessons this week it's even higher. For some reason this "easier" set of scales is harder than ever and I've got an entire piece to learn. But without the degree... I'm going to have a hell of a time with B) getting a job in NYC and no one wants to date a jobless bum. So it helps with A) New potentially romantic interest as well.

D) Eating right - This takes focus. This takes planning. This takes NOT giving in to the easiest way out because you were all stupid and twitterpated over some BOY or stuck in a practice room.

E) Working out - Planning work outs that don't tax the same part of the body each time. Finding work outs that keep me engaged. Working up to the 30 minutes of running that you want to do with Mr. Option A... A positive way to obsess, if you going to.

F) Moving - There is so much to be done around my house. Sell stuff. Ebay my formal gowns (seriously folks, if you've got some fat friends (26/28/30), I'm selling off a few really beautiful items). Sell off my vintage purse collection. Selling off my fancy shoes. Selling off my vintage jewelry. *sigh*

G) Saving/Making Money - This is REALLY the only thing I can productively do for myself in this move to NYC. Getting a job is going to take me BEING there to interview. People doing sublets don't want to talk to someone who wants one all the way in JUNE. What I can do is save money...  it buys me more time to get a job. It will also enable me to eat healthy instead of cheaply while I'm out there. It's also making me assess every purchase... well... how much toilet paper do you need in about 1month and a half. Shampoo? Tampons? Don't be wasteful. Save your pennies.

H) Online dating... I know I've already mentioned Mr. Option A. Which seems to have run a little cold lately... probably due to slight obsession backed up by not having MET in real person. But I have this constant niggling want for attention from the opposite sex. I don't know if it's a "validate me" thing. I really don't think it is... I think it's my new distraction technique for the stress I'm feeling. (I do that. A LOT).

Okay... So now you know what's buzzing around up there...   I WILL FOCUS. I will prioritize.

1) Piano/Graduation - Duh. I've been working on this degree for 7 years. It would be RIDICULOUS not to finish it this close to getting out of here. Plus it prepares me for success in so many ways after the fact.

2) Saving/Making Money - Concentrate on SAVING. Concentrate on not buying in excess. Concentrate on using the food you have and supplementing with grocery purchases. You don't need any new clothing right now (though I DID just buy new running shoes). You don't need to go out to eat a $10 salad you could make at home for $3.

3) Eating Right - Making menus and buying smart go hand in hand. I can eat healthily. I will pay closer attention to the cost of certain items to see how I will be able to eat on $15-20 a week when I get to NY.

4) Working out - I'm handing the reigns over to trainer when it comes to work out planning. I'm going to keep up with the interval running so I can feel like I'm doing something about Potential Guy and so I can drop some more weight. I don't want to scare him away with my size (though I've been very up front about my weight).

Everything else, moving, online dating, applying for jobs, finding a sublet, new potential romantic interest...   You can all take a back seat. I have two more weeks until I am done with piano. Then I can pick one to put back in on top and take more control over my working out.

I will not lose my laser like focus and determination. I'm tired of feeling like refracted light. I need to feel productive. I need motion. I need progress. I can do anything good!!!!

Accountability...

Menu
Breakfast: banana w/1tbsp peanut butter.
S: Fruit leather.
L: tuna salad on spelt bread.
S: baby carrots.
D: Spinach, celery, tomato, avocado, black berry, sunflower seed + balsamic salad.
S: cottage cheese.

Workout
25 pushups
25 squats
25 side lunges right
25 side lunges left.
50 bicep curls
25 tricep dips
25 vertical jumps.
5 downward facing dog pushups.

Big Fat FOCUSED Love,
Nanette

E2E Final Post

Sept 14

April 7

Progress

Weight:
Goal: 299
Began at 325
Down to 308 (-5 this week) and -17 total. Almost met the goal!

Waist:
Goal: 49"
Began at 51"
Down to 46.5" (-.5")


Hips:
Goal: 60"
Began at 65"
Down to 62"... ambitious... I was close? heh.

Sept 14

April 7

I might not have hit the goal weight. But I feel great about what I have accomplished. Doubling up the work outs was hard. I was more careful with my eating this past week. My freaking period stopped finally (not that it was abnormal, I'm just impatient). Yesterday my weight was even LOWER! But I take the "official" weigh in of Saturday morning.

My progress photo shorts are very near retirement. I can now pull them up and down with out unzipping or unbuttoning them. The cami... You can see it gaps around my armpits because I'm getting narrower... but my belly still stretches it. Though not nearly as much.

I believe I have changed every single method that I was planning on using to lose weight.
I've cut calories down to about 1300-1700.
I've stopped spending HOURS at the gym and doing 12-30 minute HIIT work outs.
I've started cooking different things, but I've cut out wheat this time around.

There are no intentions of quitting here. I'm probably going to have to do this for another 1-2 years before I can really hit my goal weight. So I'll continue blogging and following those of you who are still going.

Mir has been awesome for hosting this challenge, particularly through her own hard times. I've loved the small challenge. It's been so much more manageable to get to know each one of you. You guys have all taught me things whether it be through observation or example. It's been great. I'm doing the next challenge (Ready for Summer Challenge) which is much larger and a little less intense, but I like the standard of E2E... the waist measurements, the weigh in, water and calorie goals, plus the mini challenges of RFSC... Another accountability tool! I will still be reading blogs from all those that post and choose to continue.

However, Come hell or high water, I WILL BE MOVING TO NYC Under 300lbs.

Big Fat Losing It Love,
Nanette

Midweek Check In.

I have refrained from weighing myself at all this week. Which I'm pretty much a scale addict. I check it every time I change my clothes. Anyway... 3 days of none of that. I got on the scale and I'm up a freaking pound. I'm cycling through a lot of thoughts and emotions like anger and disappointment and what if you're just gaining muscle?! and have I been eating things that I haven't been logging? I'm drinking enough water. I'm definitely getting enough exercise. I'm on my period... is that it? I WANT TO SEE A LOSS THIS WEEK, not just a different number. I've got to... I want to lose another 10-20lbs before I move. It's my fresh start and I don't want to do it above 300lbs.

Today the two a day work outs stop. I'm a bit too sore for life today. Heh. But really, I'm having some awesome muscle fatigue. So I'm taking this morning off. Trainer cancelled. She's having a hard time moving and needs to be able to teach her class tomorrow. As much as she pushes me, I push her right back. I will revel in this rest day - for tomorrow I run.

I'm kind of excited about the running. I want to build up to be something I really enjoy... You know, 30 minutes of just going. No marathons or 5Ks or whatever. Just going on a run. It could be great me time. I'd also love to be in the kind of relationship where you both go on a morning run to start the day... It might be silly. But it's something I'd want. Plus it would be such a motivator for staying active.

I've been thinking a lot about this move and how I'm going to stay active. I'm going to keep losing weight. Someone asked yesterday if I'm going to keep blogging. You bet your nethers I will be! Writing is a cathartic activity for me. I'd much rather go for the laptop than go for the fridge.

Which I must admit I did last night. Now I didn't go over my caloric limit of 1700. And I was hungry but I was having such an emotional night, that I was definitely eating for comfort instead of hunger. And I didn't make terrible choices, some cottage cheese, a handful of baby carrots and some peanut butter. It was one of those weird days when you get home, sit down and mysteriously start crying. I didn't know over what, or why. Yesterday wasn't particularly bad. Maybe the stress of the NY thing was sort of raining down around me (rain from my face). I was awash with all those feelings of inadequacy... I talk to myself a lot... and even saying some of it out loud just made me cry harder. It was ridiculous. I'm not a terribly emotional person - or, I am, but I don't cry very often. So when I do, I make it worth it.

But mid-everything, before I could reach for another food to eat, I ran a hot bath and laid in it for a while reading some magazines about beginning running. I got ready for bed and slept like a dead thing. Maybe just exhaustion? Tears from exhaustion? Something. Well, I'm taking today off to recuperate... And I'll just have to eat extra smart today.

Big Fat Tears of Love,
Nanette

Fits.

I've been fighting the scale all week. I've been fluctuating between 313 (great!) and 316 (booo!). I can't gain weight. I have been sucking at the Allan Challenge. I mean... I'm staying under the caloric goals and I'm near the water intake every day (within 16oz usually). Plus getting in the 3x a week interval training. (minus the swimming class this week because of spring break). But I got an additional 3 mile walk in yesterday. WHY AM I NOT SEEING SMALLER NUMBERS? I'm not being cheaty on MFP or anything.

So here we go... Yesterday I got all overwhelmed about how long it's going to take me to get out of the "obese" BMI range. And about how I've only come so far and it's been like... 7 months. (In addition to not feeling like I've had a solid loss pattern for 4 weeks). I got a comment on the Numbers blog from a fellow number nerd. She laid it out pretty clearly.

  3500 calories per pound
   170 pounds to lose
595,000 calories to burn
   365 days to burn it
   1630.2 calories to burn per day.
   2302 Basic Metabolic Rate (BMR)
   1400 caloric intake (average)
   902 additional calories to burn per day!!!


Now we're working with productive numbers. This I can handle. Yes... It will probably take me more than 365 days. But it seemed like a good place to start. I'm going to have to up the ante with my personal fitness.

I worry about running at my weight because 315lbs on my knees, hips and ankles just doesn't seem like a great idea. I miss the elliptical. However, I can do interval training at home. I can do yoga. I can put two more SCHEDULED AND COMMITTED WORK OUTS INTO MY LIFE. And on my rest days... I still need to do what they call "active rest" aka... leave the house. Though sometimes it's hard because I can be such a homebody and I hate sunshine. I'm also going to try and take some photos for you guys because it makes me feel like I have a purpose on the walk.

Here's the plan. 

Mondays: active rest (WALK DAMMIT!)
Tuesday: Aquacise + HIIT
Wednesday: HIIT
Thursday: Aquacise + HIIT
Friday: active rest
Saturday: PiYo class + jog/walk (at night of course, when they can't see me a-jiggling).
Sunday: HIIT at home or go on a hike with Tawnie.

I'm also implementing a new eating plan. Because I'm kind of a muncher... and I want to have better accountability for how many times I eat in a day. I have created some fun rules.

Before I eat I will... 

- drink 24oz of water. 

- take a walk around the block. 

- take 5 deep sighing breaths

- throw away or choose to donate 5 things. 

I've decided I will change these rules when I get sick of them but I have to follow them for a week. Let's see how long all of this lasts. I hope it's enough to kick me out of the stupid slump I'm in... I need to GET OUT OF THE 300's! I only have two months left before the NY move and I want there to be significantly less of me to take on that plane, to find an apartment for, to get someone to hire!

Big Fat ReCommit Love,
Nanette

When I Look In The Mirror

Okay, so at this time last year I was prepping for my senior recital. I was eating my feelings, practicing like a crazy woman and flying out to NYC to have my dress made (which fell through and I wound up having to just buy one - which was hard). I was probably mid-6th respiratory infection of the school year and being consumed by apathy.

Because of all that... I had measurements done for the dress. And I just found them again. I can't wait to compare.

Basics - feb 17 2011  new number in blue, march 12, 2011

neck - 16.5" 15.5

Chest - 53.5" 50.

Chest w Breath - 54.25" 51.5

Underbust - 51" 43" (I'm pretty sure that it was taken over a shirt or something the first time)

Waist - 53"47.5

underwaist - 66.5" 58

hips 63.25" 62

Total inches lost: 27.75 

The measurements were taken 2 months before the recital. So by that time I was even larger... and larger and larger until May when I stopped getting bigger and maintained for a while before weaning things like corn syrup and aspartame out of the diet - then doing a juice reboot. 

There are days when I feel like I am just as fat as before. There are also days when I can tell certain things are changing... Like I KNOW my thighs are getting slimmer and I'm losing that weird fat rainbow above my butt and down my hips. And I know that no matter what happens, I'm probably not going to be a huge wearer of bikinis, or taut, or a hard body because of skin issues. 

The days I feel just as fat as before, I notice how the loose skin around my thighs wobbles more than when it was pulled tight with fat. I notice that while the inches are changing, it's just like gravity is pulling down on all my fat. I still have to be conscientious about how long my shirts are in front... 

Then I have a day like today when I realize that shaving my armpits was easier because I can see them better, or that I can wear necklaces that I previously couldn't because of neck fat, or that I'm beginning to get calf definition - and more than just a suggestion of it. 

I was looking at a progress photo (too naked to share) this week and I can tell I'm getting smaller... I also couldn't help comparing myself to a Salvador Dali painting... I looked melty and like i'm deflating. AKA: NOT SEXY. And I get it. I did this to me. Skin takes a while to bring in. Tone as you go. I'm trying to keep my chin up. I'm a body in transition. Gotta be patient. Though, I'll tell you what, under this fat suit, I'm ripped. The interval training I've been doing has me very aware of how much muscle I actually DO have. 

My dad was really excited about my progress this week. I'm proud of him as well. He's able to move so much better than before. He's able to put on his own braces. Get up and around. He can get himself up off the floor when he falls (didn't see that), but he's capable. He's trying to move more. I can see that he doesn't really want to. He doesn't like doing the exercises. They cause him pain. But he sees the results, he's able to do more than lay in a bed while doing word finds and reposting his latest ultra conservative finds on facebook. I'm so happy that he's getting some of his mobility back and that his quality of life is improving. 

After the fattitude post, rettakat mentioned some of the regret she's had and how she chooses to be happy every day. I talked to my dad about that. I asked him "Do you regret not losing weight sooner?" 

"No. I regret letting myself ever get that big. I've done damage to my joints and nerves that I can never undo by allowing myself to get that large." He followed that with a lot of supportive talk about my own weight loss and that he hopes I can keep my fire for it burning. 

Well, I can and will. My recital dress is too big now. I imagine it's going to be my fat item of clothing that I hang onto. You know... the before and after photos with the person standing in one leg of their pants... that will be the dress. 

Filling it out. 

Today. You'd never guess this was tailored. 

Big Fat Body Image Love, 

Nanette

For Maren - Fattitude.

I'm taking Maren up on her suggestion to write a blog about self-worth and fat. 

She wrote a post about finding the body love while still being fat and wrote it quite well...   Also Myra's response post got me thinking. 

"Joy in the Journey" is a phrase I've heard a thousand times over growing up...   and then in the music world, they tell you that the practicing has to be just as satisfying as the performance. So here we are... Fat. In transition. Can we find the happiness in that? Sure thing! 

I don't believe that being happy, while fat, means that you're not going to change or that you've become contented and complacent with your size. I can love my body and still work on it. As Maren said, we are more than our fat. We are complex people with varying interests and challenges. 

If we have to be sad because we're fat, then I could logically conclude that being thin is happiness and that's just not true. The baggage (emotional) that we carry along with our fat baggage needs just as much work and processing in order to be happy people. 

I've said it a few times... My dad lost his weight too late. He can't really enjoy the benefits of being thin. He still hurts. He's lost a lot of muscle. He's replaced so many body parts. His health is STILL affected by his years spent above 500lbs. I suspect that he thought he'd be happy when he lost weight... and it became this magical place in his mind "lost weight" or "skinny" or "thin." A place where there is limitless energy and recaptured youth and rainbows and puppies and the occasional slice of pizza. 

Well... he's lost weight. He's thin. He's spend the last 2 years in and out of hospitals, bed-ridden. He's still struggling to be a happy person. He's struggling to enjoy life. He still has a short temper. He still says mean things. He still has money problems. He still gets frustrated when he can't do things or when he needs help. He still likes to spend the majority of his time in front of a computer or a television. He doesn't go outside much or get very physical. He lost weight. But he isn't happy... He's still on that journey.

I believed that if Dad were thin, things would get better. I really did believe he would be happier, more kind, more patient. Now I know better. Thin doesn't mean any of that. Thin means carrying around a lot less physical weight - which has a plethora of positive benefits, if you can take advantage of them. 

Don't get me wrong... I love my dad through and through. He's a tough nut, but when you get past the shell, he's all softness. I'm a complete daddy's girl - which makes it harder to watch his health decline and see him turn into a confined ornery old cuss. 

My family in 2005? I was still in high school. In this pic, my dad had already lost about 100-150lbs. And the tall guy in the back... yeah... he's not standing on anything, he's just 6'7"

Achieving a certain weight does not mean you'll be happy and that problems will be solved. Happiness is based entirely on how you choose to view your life. 

I wrote this as a response to Myra's blog.. 

One must enjoy the practice as well as the performance or one will spend the majority of the time miserable. Eating right and exercising can be challenging AND fun... not just something to endure until we're thin - because if we haven't learned to be happy by then, the problem isn't weight, but attitude.

And I think that's the most succinct way I could say it.

Big Fat and Happy Love,
Nanette

hallucinating...

I keep noticing things... more slender fingers, where my jaw hits my ear, cheekbones, ankle ligaments. I'm not sure that they're changing... or if it's a result of spending more time staring. But it's nice to see things change... small things. Even if I can't measure them.

No murder happened at work today. The dept. chair was out... I guess I'll have to wait until thursday to talk to him. I'm catching up on all the work... and that calms me down.

It was another good set of work outs this morning...

Lap swimming with intervals of resistance band work.

Then the HIIT.

switch lunges w/side kick - 10 reps.
Pushup+superman - 10 reps
1 min jump rope.
1 min high knees jump rope.
standing side-bends w/ kettle bells (25lb) - 10 reps.

Repeat 3x.
Time: 19:09

Apparently, I've forgotten a lot about jump roping since elementary school. It took two rounds for me to get the hang of it again. I'm hoping to get more proficient... She makes it look so easy! It's a work out tool I can pack up with me - that's always sitting at the back of my mind - how can I get into a routine that I can continue when I leave here? Getting rid of the gym and sticking to at home, body weight exercises have been a great answer.

Yesterday, we had such a teaser for spring. I walked all the way to work in only a cardigan and didn't regret it. And then it snowed today. It's getting close... my energy levels are already up. :)

Big Fat Moving-It Love,
Nanette