Giant Weirdo. Truth.

WOOO!!! It's the weekend! I love my jobs... in that they pay me and that they only happen for four days a week. That leaves three for play and cleaning my house!

This week my weigh-ins have been ALL over... and I've said that before. But here's an idea.
Sunday: 309
Monday: 307
Tuesday: 316
Wednesday: 310
Thursday: 305
Friday: 309

So I'm just going to keep plugging along and hope that I can get one of the good low numbers on Sunday. I don't deserve a huge loss this week (not like... morally). I just haven't worked out a lot. Just my usual.

Monday: Short HIIT
Tuesday: Swim class + Trainer HIIT.
Wednesday: Trainer HIIT
Thursday: NO SWIM CLASS (piano test) + Trainer HIIT.

So today... since Friday is my only piano free day. I am going to shop with Trainer at the butchers for some non-processed, non-chemicaled meat. And then I'm going on an interval run.

I'm still very intimidated by people watching me and thinking "fat girl, you call that running?" So it'll still be in the cemetery. I fight those situations a lot... the ones where my brain tells me other people are judging me and that I need to feel insecure. My 0yr-24yr old self says "wait until tonight and just run in the dark... Then you can run wherever you want.

"INCORRECT!" says 25 year old, finally caring about health, Nanette.

I can run wherever I want no matter the time of day. I can run in a sports bra and undies if I want. I can run in a burka. I can run barefoot, in sandals, in trainers or heels. I can run in a dress. I can run fast (for a short while anyway). I can run slow. I can breathe hard. I can be my own trainer. I can sing along to my ipod. I can do whatever I want and whenever I want... and if someone out there thinks I'm a giant weirdo...

Well... I'm a giant weirdo working on being less giant. I'm a giant weirdo that has goals and reaches for them. I am a giant weirdo that actively takes part in her own weirdo life and destiny. I am a giant weirdo who counts calories, writes a fat blog, jiggles lots when she runs and makes friends with other giant weirdos.

Truth. 

Screw the cemetery. I'm going to run on the busiest street near my house. Get over your insecurities, Nanette. Get over yourself and this stupid sense of needing to look or be regarded a certain way. Just be. (jiggly, heh). Like they say in every acting class... "Move with purpose." 

Big Fat Giant Weirdo Love, 

Nanette

Body Image and Advertising.

A dear friend of mine who is making a documentary about pornography addiction and our society is always posting some of the most INTERESTING articles, videos and advertisements. So if you have something like 40 minutes and care about how advertising shapes our culture (eating disorders, body image, sexualizing food)...   you should probably watch these youtube videos.

I'd love to hear your reactions. Feel free to leave an essay. I'm so passionate about this topic. I love hearing how different people interpret it.

Big Fat LOVE YOURSELF Love,
Nanette

Fit Test!

So we did our third monthly fit test... The test is 7 minutes long. So each workout gets 50 seconds and a ten second rest. The three numbers are listed as: first month, second month, this month.

Squats -  38, 32, 36
Pushups - 24, 28, 32
Burpees - 7,  10,  12
High Knees- 43, 66, 65
Switch Lunge - 21, 30, 27
Squats (modification) - 18, 26, 37
Crunches (modification) - 17, 41, 52


I can see why I wouldn't have improved on the high knees, we haven't done them in forever. The switch lunges, I'm a little disappointed in. We've done them a LOT lately - I also realized I'd been doing them wrong, I wasn't bending my knees properly. I suspect that correcting my form is slowing me down there.

I'm super happy to see the burpees getting a little easier and that number going up. I feel like the 300 pushup week helped out with that. Also, the crunches... I will totally throw that improvement to all the competition sit ups we did last week (over 200) and introducing the plank into my life every day.

We did an ab work out after the fit test. Left/right side crunches, leg lifts, plank, star crunches. I've been feeling really good... able to feel my muscles under my fat, able to feel the tightness and the stretch in my core during other movements... and then I see this photo from the weekend that my mother posted last night...

I've got SUCH a long way to go. I'm trying not to get discouraged and what not. There are still plenty of inches to lose...    I keep reminding myself of how many I've lost already. Imagine what that picture COULD have been like. Until my body is emulating the image of myself in my head...   I will be sitting straighter and avoiding cameras still.

I will appreciate all super fat photos of myself. They will mark my progress. I am a beautiful woman and I'm actively changing my body and lifestyle. I am strong. I am willful. I am tenacious and goal-oriented. I will soon be all of those things, jam-packed into a smaller body.

Big Fat Horrible Photo Love,
Nanette

When I Look In The Mirror

Okay, so at this time last year I was prepping for my senior recital. I was eating my feelings, practicing like a crazy woman and flying out to NYC to have my dress made (which fell through and I wound up having to just buy one - which was hard). I was probably mid-6th respiratory infection of the school year and being consumed by apathy.

Because of all that... I had measurements done for the dress. And I just found them again. I can't wait to compare.

Basics - feb 17 2011  new number in blue, march 12, 2011

neck - 16.5" 15.5

Chest - 53.5" 50.

Chest w Breath - 54.25" 51.5

Underbust - 51" 43" (I'm pretty sure that it was taken over a shirt or something the first time)

Waist - 53"47.5

underwaist - 66.5" 58

hips 63.25" 62

Total inches lost: 27.75 

The measurements were taken 2 months before the recital. So by that time I was even larger... and larger and larger until May when I stopped getting bigger and maintained for a while before weaning things like corn syrup and aspartame out of the diet - then doing a juice reboot. 

There are days when I feel like I am just as fat as before. There are also days when I can tell certain things are changing... Like I KNOW my thighs are getting slimmer and I'm losing that weird fat rainbow above my butt and down my hips. And I know that no matter what happens, I'm probably not going to be a huge wearer of bikinis, or taut, or a hard body because of skin issues. 

The days I feel just as fat as before, I notice how the loose skin around my thighs wobbles more than when it was pulled tight with fat. I notice that while the inches are changing, it's just like gravity is pulling down on all my fat. I still have to be conscientious about how long my shirts are in front... 

Then I have a day like today when I realize that shaving my armpits was easier because I can see them better, or that I can wear necklaces that I previously couldn't because of neck fat, or that I'm beginning to get calf definition - and more than just a suggestion of it. 

I was looking at a progress photo (too naked to share) this week and I can tell I'm getting smaller... I also couldn't help comparing myself to a Salvador Dali painting... I looked melty and like i'm deflating. AKA: NOT SEXY. And I get it. I did this to me. Skin takes a while to bring in. Tone as you go. I'm trying to keep my chin up. I'm a body in transition. Gotta be patient. Though, I'll tell you what, under this fat suit, I'm ripped. The interval training I've been doing has me very aware of how much muscle I actually DO have. 

My dad was really excited about my progress this week. I'm proud of him as well. He's able to move so much better than before. He's able to put on his own braces. Get up and around. He can get himself up off the floor when he falls (didn't see that), but he's capable. He's trying to move more. I can see that he doesn't really want to. He doesn't like doing the exercises. They cause him pain. But he sees the results, he's able to do more than lay in a bed while doing word finds and reposting his latest ultra conservative finds on facebook. I'm so happy that he's getting some of his mobility back and that his quality of life is improving. 

After the fattitude post, rettakat mentioned some of the regret she's had and how she chooses to be happy every day. I talked to my dad about that. I asked him "Do you regret not losing weight sooner?" 

"No. I regret letting myself ever get that big. I've done damage to my joints and nerves that I can never undo by allowing myself to get that large." He followed that with a lot of supportive talk about my own weight loss and that he hopes I can keep my fire for it burning. 

Well, I can and will. My recital dress is too big now. I imagine it's going to be my fat item of clothing that I hang onto. You know... the before and after photos with the person standing in one leg of their pants... that will be the dress. 

Filling it out. 

Today. You'd never guess this was tailored. 

Big Fat Body Image Love, 

Nanette