Monday, March 12, 2012

When I Look In The Mirror

Okay, so at this time last year I was prepping for my senior recital. I was eating my feelings, practicing like a crazy woman and flying out to NYC to have my dress made (which fell through and I wound up having to just buy one - which was hard). I was probably mid-6th respiratory infection of the school year and being consumed by apathy.

Because of all that... I had measurements done for the dress. And I just found them again. I can't wait to compare.

Basics - feb 17 2011  new number in blue, march 12, 2011

neck - 16.5" 15.5
Chest - 53.5" 50.
Chest w Breath - 54.25" 51.5
Underbust - 51" 43" (I'm pretty sure that it was taken over a shirt or something the first time)
Waist - 53"47.5
underwaist - 66.5" 58
hips 63.25" 62
Total inches lost: 27.75 

The measurements were taken 2 months before the recital. So by that time I was even larger... and larger and larger until May when I stopped getting bigger and maintained for a while before weaning things like corn syrup and aspartame out of the diet - then doing a juice reboot. 

There are days when I feel like I am just as fat as before. There are also days when I can tell certain things are changing... Like I KNOW my thighs are getting slimmer and I'm losing that weird fat rainbow above my butt and down my hips. And I know that no matter what happens, I'm probably not going to be a huge wearer of bikinis, or taut, or a hard body because of skin issues. 

The days I feel just as fat as before, I notice how the loose skin around my thighs wobbles more than when it was pulled tight with fat. I notice that while the inches are changing, it's just like gravity is pulling down on all my fat. I still have to be conscientious about how long my shirts are in front... 

Then I have a day like today when I realize that shaving my armpits was easier because I can see them better, or that I can wear necklaces that I previously couldn't because of neck fat, or that I'm beginning to get calf definition - and more than just a suggestion of it. 

I was looking at a progress photo (too naked to share) this week and I can tell I'm getting smaller... I also couldn't help comparing myself to a Salvador Dali painting... I looked melty and like i'm deflating. AKA: NOT SEXY. And I get it. I did this to me. Skin takes a while to bring in. Tone as you go. I'm trying to keep my chin up. I'm a body in transition. Gotta be patient. Though, I'll tell you what, under this fat suit, I'm ripped. The interval training I've been doing has me very aware of how much muscle I actually DO have. 

My dad was really excited about my progress this week. I'm proud of him as well. He's able to move so much better than before. He's able to put on his own braces. Get up and around. He can get himself up off the floor when he falls (didn't see that), but he's capable. He's trying to move more. I can see that he doesn't really want to. He doesn't like doing the exercises. They cause him pain. But he sees the results, he's able to do more than lay in a bed while doing word finds and reposting his latest ultra conservative finds on facebook. I'm so happy that he's getting some of his mobility back and that his quality of life is improving. 

After the fattitude post, rettakat mentioned some of the regret she's had and how she chooses to be happy every day. I talked to my dad about that. I asked him "Do you regret not losing weight sooner?" 
"No. I regret letting myself ever get that big. I've done damage to my joints and nerves that I can never undo by allowing myself to get that large." He followed that with a lot of supportive talk about my own weight loss and that he hopes I can keep my fire for it burning. 

Well, I can and will. My recital dress is too big now. I imagine it's going to be my fat item of clothing that I hang onto. You know... the before and after photos with the person standing in one leg of their pants... that will be the dress. 
Filling it out. 

Today. You'd never guess this was tailored. 

Big Fat Body Image Love, 


  1. Great post! I hear ya on the body issues. I feel good for losing but then I see the bad that is still there & the new kind of bad that's left behind. You're so right on things jiggling more since the fat is melting!! I thought maybe it was just in my head... LOL! You are doing so great with all the exercise & such, I wish I had the drive you do with the exercise cause I really need to work in the strength training! Speaking of which, I do the walking & you asked about the length & what I do so that I don't get bored. Well, I was afraid I would cause I totally need to keep busy. When I did the 7 miles I walked with a couple friends for part of it & the other I walked with my mom, dogs & took pictures so that kept me from getting bored. When I'm by myself I do listen to an iPod and I always have my iPhone for emergencies & because I use map my run & it tracks my distance & such... anyways what I was getting at is that it also allows me to have a camera so I'm always on the look out for fun stuff to snap photos of and I can also check out facebook and such. Yeah, I'm a skilled, walking texter and facebook junkie. I do both when I don't walk but now I can do both while I do also so that's a little something I add in if I get real bored or if I just want to post something quick or respond to something (that's the junkie part... I could have worse addictions:-)

  2. Of course you're getting smaller. Heck, you do some much hard work, and your committment is No 1!!

  3. Thanks for stopping by my blog today!! And what an AWESOME blog you have here, I love it!! Keep up the great work....and I love your positive attitude!

  4. Nanette, I live in the tropics of Australia. This weather is like the old days when I was a kid. All this rain means that at least it's not so hot you want to melt!!

  5. Wow, we can really tell that you've been working hard! You're an inspiration! Good Job! :D

  6. I'm with you on muscles underneath but not looking ripped. I'm noticing the droopy skin on my arms and legs as well, and hoping that they look better as I get rid of more fat. I can feel the muscles in my arms and belly though, even if they're not visible. I honestly walk around the house with my hand on my belly feeling the muscles. Even if everybody else can't see them, they're MY secret weapon on how well I'm taking care of myself.

  7. I think that lose skin is one of my major body issues as well! I have what is called an "apron" of stomach skin & fat that hangs in front.... it's totally gross. I try to look on the bright side but some days it's hard.

  8. I love this post. You have come so far and you're learning more and more every day about what you CAN accomplish. Leave any other negative or doubtful thoughts about yourself behind!


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