Giant Weirdo. Truth.

WOOO!!! It's the weekend! I love my jobs... in that they pay me and that they only happen for four days a week. That leaves three for play and cleaning my house!

This week my weigh-ins have been ALL over... and I've said that before. But here's an idea.
Sunday: 309
Monday: 307
Tuesday: 316
Wednesday: 310
Thursday: 305
Friday: 309

So I'm just going to keep plugging along and hope that I can get one of the good low numbers on Sunday. I don't deserve a huge loss this week (not like... morally). I just haven't worked out a lot. Just my usual.

Monday: Short HIIT
Tuesday: Swim class + Trainer HIIT.
Wednesday: Trainer HIIT
Thursday: NO SWIM CLASS (piano test) + Trainer HIIT.

So today... since Friday is my only piano free day. I am going to shop with Trainer at the butchers for some non-processed, non-chemicaled meat. And then I'm going on an interval run.

I'm still very intimidated by people watching me and thinking "fat girl, you call that running?" So it'll still be in the cemetery. I fight those situations a lot... the ones where my brain tells me other people are judging me and that I need to feel insecure. My 0yr-24yr old self says "wait until tonight and just run in the dark... Then you can run wherever you want.

"INCORRECT!" says 25 year old, finally caring about health, Nanette.

I can run wherever I want no matter the time of day. I can run in a sports bra and undies if I want. I can run in a burka. I can run barefoot, in sandals, in trainers or heels. I can run in a dress. I can run fast (for a short while anyway). I can run slow. I can breathe hard. I can be my own trainer. I can sing along to my ipod. I can do whatever I want and whenever I want... and if someone out there thinks I'm a giant weirdo...

Well... I'm a giant weirdo working on being less giant. I'm a giant weirdo that has goals and reaches for them. I am a giant weirdo that actively takes part in her own weirdo life and destiny. I am a giant weirdo who counts calories, writes a fat blog, jiggles lots when she runs and makes friends with other giant weirdos.

Truth. 

Screw the cemetery. I'm going to run on the busiest street near my house. Get over your insecurities, Nanette. Get over yourself and this stupid sense of needing to look or be regarded a certain way. Just be. (jiggly, heh). Like they say in every acting class... "Move with purpose." 

Big Fat Giant Weirdo Love, 

Nanette

Body Image and Advertising.

A dear friend of mine who is making a documentary about pornography addiction and our society is always posting some of the most INTERESTING articles, videos and advertisements. So if you have something like 40 minutes and care about how advertising shapes our culture (eating disorders, body image, sexualizing food)...   you should probably watch these youtube videos.

I'd love to hear your reactions. Feel free to leave an essay. I'm so passionate about this topic. I love hearing how different people interpret it.

Big Fat LOVE YOURSELF Love,
Nanette

Fits.

I've been fighting the scale all week. I've been fluctuating between 313 (great!) and 316 (booo!). I can't gain weight. I have been sucking at the Allan Challenge. I mean... I'm staying under the caloric goals and I'm near the water intake every day (within 16oz usually). Plus getting in the 3x a week interval training. (minus the swimming class this week because of spring break). But I got an additional 3 mile walk in yesterday. WHY AM I NOT SEEING SMALLER NUMBERS? I'm not being cheaty on MFP or anything.

So here we go... Yesterday I got all overwhelmed about how long it's going to take me to get out of the "obese" BMI range. And about how I've only come so far and it's been like... 7 months. (In addition to not feeling like I've had a solid loss pattern for 4 weeks). I got a comment on the Numbers blog from a fellow number nerd. She laid it out pretty clearly.

  3500 calories per pound
   170 pounds to lose
595,000 calories to burn
   365 days to burn it
   1630.2 calories to burn per day.
   2302 Basic Metabolic Rate (BMR)
   1400 caloric intake (average)
   902 additional calories to burn per day!!!


Now we're working with productive numbers. This I can handle. Yes... It will probably take me more than 365 days. But it seemed like a good place to start. I'm going to have to up the ante with my personal fitness.

I worry about running at my weight because 315lbs on my knees, hips and ankles just doesn't seem like a great idea. I miss the elliptical. However, I can do interval training at home. I can do yoga. I can put two more SCHEDULED AND COMMITTED WORK OUTS INTO MY LIFE. And on my rest days... I still need to do what they call "active rest" aka... leave the house. Though sometimes it's hard because I can be such a homebody and I hate sunshine. I'm also going to try and take some photos for you guys because it makes me feel like I have a purpose on the walk.

Here's the plan. 

Mondays: active rest (WALK DAMMIT!)
Tuesday: Aquacise + HIIT
Wednesday: HIIT
Thursday: Aquacise + HIIT
Friday: active rest
Saturday: PiYo class + jog/walk (at night of course, when they can't see me a-jiggling).
Sunday: HIIT at home or go on a hike with Tawnie.

I'm also implementing a new eating plan. Because I'm kind of a muncher... and I want to have better accountability for how many times I eat in a day. I have created some fun rules.

Before I eat I will... 

- drink 24oz of water. 

- take a walk around the block. 

- take 5 deep sighing breaths

- throw away or choose to donate 5 things. 

I've decided I will change these rules when I get sick of them but I have to follow them for a week. Let's see how long all of this lasts. I hope it's enough to kick me out of the stupid slump I'm in... I need to GET OUT OF THE 300's! I only have two months left before the NY move and I want there to be significantly less of me to take on that plane, to find an apartment for, to get someone to hire!

Big Fat ReCommit Love,
Nanette

Fit Test!

So we did our third monthly fit test... The test is 7 minutes long. So each workout gets 50 seconds and a ten second rest. The three numbers are listed as: first month, second month, this month.

Squats -  38, 32, 36
Pushups - 24, 28, 32
Burpees - 7,  10,  12
High Knees- 43, 66, 65
Switch Lunge - 21, 30, 27
Squats (modification) - 18, 26, 37
Crunches (modification) - 17, 41, 52


I can see why I wouldn't have improved on the high knees, we haven't done them in forever. The switch lunges, I'm a little disappointed in. We've done them a LOT lately - I also realized I'd been doing them wrong, I wasn't bending my knees properly. I suspect that correcting my form is slowing me down there.

I'm super happy to see the burpees getting a little easier and that number going up. I feel like the 300 pushup week helped out with that. Also, the crunches... I will totally throw that improvement to all the competition sit ups we did last week (over 200) and introducing the plank into my life every day.

We did an ab work out after the fit test. Left/right side crunches, leg lifts, plank, star crunches. I've been feeling really good... able to feel my muscles under my fat, able to feel the tightness and the stretch in my core during other movements... and then I see this photo from the weekend that my mother posted last night...

I've got SUCH a long way to go. I'm trying not to get discouraged and what not. There are still plenty of inches to lose...    I keep reminding myself of how many I've lost already. Imagine what that picture COULD have been like. Until my body is emulating the image of myself in my head...   I will be sitting straighter and avoiding cameras still.

I will appreciate all super fat photos of myself. They will mark my progress. I am a beautiful woman and I'm actively changing my body and lifestyle. I am strong. I am willful. I am tenacious and goal-oriented. I will soon be all of those things, jam-packed into a smaller body.

Big Fat Horrible Photo Love,
Nanette

When I Look In The Mirror

Okay, so at this time last year I was prepping for my senior recital. I was eating my feelings, practicing like a crazy woman and flying out to NYC to have my dress made (which fell through and I wound up having to just buy one - which was hard). I was probably mid-6th respiratory infection of the school year and being consumed by apathy.

Because of all that... I had measurements done for the dress. And I just found them again. I can't wait to compare.

Basics - feb 17 2011  new number in blue, march 12, 2011

neck - 16.5" 15.5

Chest - 53.5" 50.

Chest w Breath - 54.25" 51.5

Underbust - 51" 43" (I'm pretty sure that it was taken over a shirt or something the first time)

Waist - 53"47.5

underwaist - 66.5" 58

hips 63.25" 62

Total inches lost: 27.75 

The measurements were taken 2 months before the recital. So by that time I was even larger... and larger and larger until May when I stopped getting bigger and maintained for a while before weaning things like corn syrup and aspartame out of the diet - then doing a juice reboot. 

There are days when I feel like I am just as fat as before. There are also days when I can tell certain things are changing... Like I KNOW my thighs are getting slimmer and I'm losing that weird fat rainbow above my butt and down my hips. And I know that no matter what happens, I'm probably not going to be a huge wearer of bikinis, or taut, or a hard body because of skin issues. 

The days I feel just as fat as before, I notice how the loose skin around my thighs wobbles more than when it was pulled tight with fat. I notice that while the inches are changing, it's just like gravity is pulling down on all my fat. I still have to be conscientious about how long my shirts are in front... 

Then I have a day like today when I realize that shaving my armpits was easier because I can see them better, or that I can wear necklaces that I previously couldn't because of neck fat, or that I'm beginning to get calf definition - and more than just a suggestion of it. 

I was looking at a progress photo (too naked to share) this week and I can tell I'm getting smaller... I also couldn't help comparing myself to a Salvador Dali painting... I looked melty and like i'm deflating. AKA: NOT SEXY. And I get it. I did this to me. Skin takes a while to bring in. Tone as you go. I'm trying to keep my chin up. I'm a body in transition. Gotta be patient. Though, I'll tell you what, under this fat suit, I'm ripped. The interval training I've been doing has me very aware of how much muscle I actually DO have. 

My dad was really excited about my progress this week. I'm proud of him as well. He's able to move so much better than before. He's able to put on his own braces. Get up and around. He can get himself up off the floor when he falls (didn't see that), but he's capable. He's trying to move more. I can see that he doesn't really want to. He doesn't like doing the exercises. They cause him pain. But he sees the results, he's able to do more than lay in a bed while doing word finds and reposting his latest ultra conservative finds on facebook. I'm so happy that he's getting some of his mobility back and that his quality of life is improving. 

After the fattitude post, rettakat mentioned some of the regret she's had and how she chooses to be happy every day. I talked to my dad about that. I asked him "Do you regret not losing weight sooner?" 

"No. I regret letting myself ever get that big. I've done damage to my joints and nerves that I can never undo by allowing myself to get that large." He followed that with a lot of supportive talk about my own weight loss and that he hopes I can keep my fire for it burning. 

Well, I can and will. My recital dress is too big now. I imagine it's going to be my fat item of clothing that I hang onto. You know... the before and after photos with the person standing in one leg of their pants... that will be the dress. 

Filling it out. 

Today. You'd never guess this was tailored. 

Big Fat Body Image Love, 

Nanette

For Maren - Fattitude.

I'm taking Maren up on her suggestion to write a blog about self-worth and fat. 

She wrote a post about finding the body love while still being fat and wrote it quite well...   Also Myra's response post got me thinking. 

"Joy in the Journey" is a phrase I've heard a thousand times over growing up...   and then in the music world, they tell you that the practicing has to be just as satisfying as the performance. So here we are... Fat. In transition. Can we find the happiness in that? Sure thing! 

I don't believe that being happy, while fat, means that you're not going to change or that you've become contented and complacent with your size. I can love my body and still work on it. As Maren said, we are more than our fat. We are complex people with varying interests and challenges. 

If we have to be sad because we're fat, then I could logically conclude that being thin is happiness and that's just not true. The baggage (emotional) that we carry along with our fat baggage needs just as much work and processing in order to be happy people. 

I've said it a few times... My dad lost his weight too late. He can't really enjoy the benefits of being thin. He still hurts. He's lost a lot of muscle. He's replaced so many body parts. His health is STILL affected by his years spent above 500lbs. I suspect that he thought he'd be happy when he lost weight... and it became this magical place in his mind "lost weight" or "skinny" or "thin." A place where there is limitless energy and recaptured youth and rainbows and puppies and the occasional slice of pizza. 

Well... he's lost weight. He's thin. He's spend the last 2 years in and out of hospitals, bed-ridden. He's still struggling to be a happy person. He's struggling to enjoy life. He still has a short temper. He still says mean things. He still has money problems. He still gets frustrated when he can't do things or when he needs help. He still likes to spend the majority of his time in front of a computer or a television. He doesn't go outside much or get very physical. He lost weight. But he isn't happy... He's still on that journey.

I believed that if Dad were thin, things would get better. I really did believe he would be happier, more kind, more patient. Now I know better. Thin doesn't mean any of that. Thin means carrying around a lot less physical weight - which has a plethora of positive benefits, if you can take advantage of them. 

Don't get me wrong... I love my dad through and through. He's a tough nut, but when you get past the shell, he's all softness. I'm a complete daddy's girl - which makes it harder to watch his health decline and see him turn into a confined ornery old cuss. 

My family in 2005? I was still in high school. In this pic, my dad had already lost about 100-150lbs. And the tall guy in the back... yeah... he's not standing on anything, he's just 6'7"

Achieving a certain weight does not mean you'll be happy and that problems will be solved. Happiness is based entirely on how you choose to view your life. 

I wrote this as a response to Myra's blog.. 

One must enjoy the practice as well as the performance or one will spend the majority of the time miserable. Eating right and exercising can be challenging AND fun... not just something to endure until we're thin - because if we haven't learned to be happy by then, the problem isn't weight, but attitude.

And I think that's the most succinct way I could say it.

Big Fat and Happy Love,
Nanette

Where we come from...

I was reading April's Blog this morning... She was talking a little bit about her weight loss progress. And what mental state she was in to get to her highest weight...

There have been so many times over the course of my life that I told myself, "I'll never be as big as her," or "I'll never get over 250lbs, 300lbs, 350lbs." But I never did anything to avoid reaching those weights, those milestones. It was temporary motivation to slow down my eating but never changed my relationship with my food. In a way I was distracted, always too busy... never felt an urgency to change. I had a lot of people try to wake me up, particularly since my whole life has been performance oriented. Those temporary motivations flew out the window when a pizza was in the room, or a candy bar.

I don't think of myself as disabled or fat. I have fat. Fat is a part of me, but I am not fat. I am Nanette. In a way, it's been a good thing. I'm hoping that as the scale goes down and I get healthier I will still be Nanette. I don't want to be thin. I want to be Nanette. On the other hand, it's a bad thing. It's allowed me to entirely dissociate from my body. It helped me ignore the things I couldn't do anymore. I haven't always been okay with being fat. But I wasn't ready to be proactive about it when I was younger... it wasn't something I was interested in. I didn't have the resources. It just wasn't time for it. If I would have started younger, I'm quite positive I would have failed and then continued with a yo-yo dieting mentality.

It also helped that I had the mentality of "dad will always be fatter than me." I love my dad. No matter what size (actually, I liked him more when he was fat. He was less of a curmudgeon.). Not once did I feel like he loved me less because he couldn't play on the floor or chase me around. Dad had a series of health problems. He lost weight. He got down to around my weight... and then I started getting nervous. Dad continued to lose...   At 67 years old, he's now around 240 and if he had his excess skin removed he would be around 200. Watching dad lose weight and get healthier was inspiring, sure. He did it too late though. His skin won't retract. His diabetes is in full swing. He still has muscular problems related to being dormant for so long.

Last fall (2010) dad injured his foot at work. It wouldn't heal. He described going to sleep the day before thanksgiving... he felt his heart slow down... and he started going cold all over. He couldn't move his body. He couldn't shout for help. (mom sleeps upstairs). The next morning, he told mom about it and she took him to the emergency room. His blood sugar was over 400. His foot was severely infected and was not healing due to poor circulation/diabetes. He wound up in the hospital for over a month with staph infection. Antibiotics were pumped directly into his heart.   ALL OF THIS WAS OVER A SMALL CUT ON THE BOTTOM OF HIS FOOT!

He was put on non-weight bearing limitations. This thanksgiving (2011), he hadn't walked in over a year, still waiting for this small cut to heal. He wound up in the emergency room again. He couldn't feel his other leg. Back problems. Blown discs cemented. Still numbness and an inability to move his left leg. pinched nerve. back surgery. bone shave. pins. rods. scars. He's in a nursing home getting physical therapy to help him recover from the back surgery. He's been there since thanksgiving.

All of this could have been prevented with earlier weight loss. All of this, in addition to finishing my degree and needing the next project and the next step to working and living.... it's finally the right time. Dad has had elbows replaced, multiple back surgeries, both knees replaced, cartilage problems. But for some reason... the physical issues that continued after he lost the weight is more effective in inspiring me to get myself moving. Get myself in gear. Prevent that kind of life. Increase the quality of my own.

I'd love to say it was my own idea. I had switched to a new voice teacher over the summer. Like every new voice teacher, she addressed my weight. "This doesn't need to count against you. At auditions people will dismiss you purely on size." FINALLY a teacher that talks truth. "When you come back, I want you to tell me how your practicing went and I want you to tell me what you've done this week to lose weight. It's not to intimidate you, or make you feel bad. It's to hold you accountable." I tried stuff for a couple weeks. I would increase activity, or eat more veggies... but not really keeping tally or a record of progress.

My cousin, Amber, told me about Mir's blogging CDC challenge. I joined up not knowing what I was getting myself into... but making a commitment to myself. Since then I've been researching. I've been tracking. I've been learning about nutrition and exercise. I read an article about motivation... motivation happens in 4 stages...

- the initial spark.
- mentally preparing yourself... thinking yourself through.
- sustained commitment.
- habit/self renewing motivation (the feel good of doing well that inspires you to keep going).

I'm the fattest person in our little E2E challenge. I also have the advantage of being the youngest person in this challenge. I know I can do this. I work out 3x a week or more. I struggle to keep my diet in line. But I DO. If I can haul my fat ass off of the couch or out of bed and go jogging, you can too. I can do high impact aerobics without hurting myself. I can modify. I can bear all 320 of my pounds. Bones get stronger with weight bearing exercise. Be smart. But if you don't push yourself, you don't grow.

If you get used to moving your body and working out at your current weight, it will only get EASIER as that number goes down... and believe me, it will.

Big Fat Fattest Challenger Love,
Nanette

Now, then and the point...

I was working out with Sarah this morning and we were talking about her swim and aerobics classes that she teaches throughout the day. There seems to be an epidemic of "I can't, I don't want to hurt myself" in her classes. She teaches college level students, for the most part they are young and healthy. She's up to her eyeballs in frustration that these kids aren't even trying. Then she gave me the best dang compliment I've ever received, "I need more people like you in there. You're a big girl. But you're willing to try. You push yourself. If you can't do what we're doing, you modify! That attitude is so essential for fitness."

I told her I have to push myself. If I'm going to be the fattest person in a swim class, you bet your ass I'm going to be the hardest working one there. I will take the harder resistance bands. I will take the biggest buoy for water weight lifting. I will swim the hardest, the longest. In a way it's my fear of skinny people judgement... but in another light... I have always told myself "just because you're fat, doesn't mean you have to be a wimp."  

I started aquacise 3 semesters ago because I wanted to take it easy on my joints and start getting more active. It is a work out. A REAL work out... cardio and muscle training. I just had to wear a swim suit. In front of people. 

I grew up swimming. There were summers of 5 days a week at the pool. Mom would drop me off at 5pm and pick me up at 10pm. (late, yeah, but that's when gingers get things done). I would wear t-shirts to ward off sunburn, not just to hide my fat body. I didn't really care then. I stopped going when my friend Jamie pointed out that I had a zit on my shoulder and I thought I'd turned into a hideous monster. Who gets zits on their shoulders?!?!   What a ridiculous reason to stop swimming. 

Anyway... so that was 7th grade. Over 10 years later, I bought a new suit online in the largest size I could find. It fit funny. I changed in a bathroom stall, abandoning any sense of modesty, no shirt or shorts to slow me down and jiggled out to the pool. No one cared. We worked out. More jiggling. But we're in a pool and people are concentrating on their own bodies. No one cared. I didn't have to worry about being fat in that class. Water was a nice blanket to keep people from being able to stare at your body while you moved it about. 

I took it again the next semester. As a returning student, I knew what was going on. I could help other people. Fat person who knows what's going on. Fat person helping skinny person work out. I had started changing in the locker room like a normal person. I hadn't lost a lot of weight or anything. My confidence was up. These people are my classmates. They know how hard I work. They know that I can do what they can and even help them along the way. 

The third semester, I saw a girl in there that made my heart break. She was big like me. Bigger framed even. Manly fingers, wide shoulders, small boobs, wide waist. It was apparent that she wanted to fit in as she made the effort to do the ratted hair, streaky highlights, clunky acrylic nails. I talked to her... she's getting a certificate in diesel mechanics and wants to do a bit of local theater. I told her I'd meet her in the pool. She came to the indoor pool in her suit... and t-shirt... and shorts. Extra fabric = crap work out in the water. I just wanted to hug her and tell her that no matter how big she is... own it. Don't apologize. No one is judging you. I'm so glad you're here! Way to get yourself active!

I was still fatter than her. I wanted to walk around the locker room naked. I wanted to jump up and down and wiggle more than I ever have to show her that IT'S OKAY. And to show her that no one was talking about me. No one was bothered or sickened by my enormity. The only person that has a problem with her size is her. 

She dropped the class after 2 weeks. I didn't walk around naked. I tried to befriend her and help her be comfortable. But I guess it just wasn't time for that yet. 

Don't fear the numbers. :) 

This is why I'm such an advocate for body love... any size. If you're afraid of your body... what are the chances that you're going to make changes that you'd like for it?! Loving your body and accepting yourself doesn't mean resigning to being fat forever. It means seeing yourself honestly and appreciating what's there. Being able to see your curves as beautiful... even if you're shaped more like a table leg than an hourglass (like me). Try to understand why there are men and women out there that appreciate your body type... try to find that things that you have whether it be a great round butt, big full breasts, wide hips, curvy waist, slender wrists, delicate fingers, long dark eyelashes, high cheek bones, shapely lips... whatever does it for you. 

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. And you'll be even more beautiful when you can see it in yourself as well. 

And when you're feeling down and thinking that everyone is staring or thinking terrible things in your direction...   remember the words of my 6th grade English teacher, "What makes YOU think you're SO IMPORTANT that everyone is thinking and talking about YOU!?" Oh... Mrs. Lewis going about shaking the egocentric universe. 

Big Fat Body Love, 

Nanette 

The expansion...

Okay... well, I did really well last week with food and exercise and then the weekend happened. I let loose and for the first time since the challenge began missed 2 days of calorie counting. I had a burger one day, pizza another - again, a social situation. Both were on dates with a fine young gentleman. Even worse, in addition to the bad food choices, I had to skip dance class to go on a field trip for my voice ped class.

It was nice to take a step back. Though bad decisions were made, I can feel the affect on my body. And from that I can learn. I could see my body retaining water. I could feel my slowness and grogginess hitting. I had a coffee with him one morning too... first time I've had coffee/caffeine of any sort since May. I got anxious, sweaty and hit a terrible tiring crash MID-DATE! Horrible. I'm ready to return to my good habits... and a reliable internet connection so I can log into myfitnesspal.

The date was interesting... We shall call him J. J likes big women. J knows I'm working on becoming less of a big woman. J doesn't like it. I told him tough shit. I'm not losing weight to be twiggy or attractive. I know I'm attractive at this size. I'm losing weight to keep from getting diabetes or at least postpone as long as possible. I'm trying not to die of heart disease. I'm trying not to have to replace my knees/ankles/joints. I'm trying not to suffer from arthritis or wear away cartilage. He understands I do it for health. But he wanted me to understand that he thinks I'm attractive right now. I'm sad he finds it difficult to get behind my decision. I'm not changing my mind. He also second guesses my NYC plans. Again, I'm not changing my mind. Before we all jump on the "you need a man that supports your decisions and will stand beside you always" speech....   I'm moving. This might be short lived. I like him in EVERY other aspect. It's nice to feel sexy as is right now. I can have that and be moving down the scale. He knows that I'm not going to stop. I'm like that. Bullheaded, goal-oriented and determined to get exactly what I want.

So J might be a reoccurring theme. Yes. It is going to be very hard to lose weight with an active participator against it. Yes. He knows this is going to be a subject of oft butting heads. Yes. This might be a good thing too, to have someone to push against. I'm a naturally contrary person. Maybe I can work it in my favor. In the meanwhile, it's nice to be dating. It's nice to have romance and affection. Connecting with a significant other, while only slightly different than a best best best friend, is still an important connection to have. Again, save the "strong independent women don't need men to validate them" speech.

I am a strong independent woman. He's a strong independent man. And I like that I found an equal when it comes to arguing. heh.

Big Fat Newly Involved Love,
Nanette

P.s. Midterms went well...   Grades are passed out this week.
P.p.s.  Goals...
- Drink 100 oz of water a day.
- Eat carefully, under 1900 a day.
- Get 7 hrs of exercise in.
- Get to the halfway point with Skinny Bitch.
- Budget better. For reals.

As I may have been unclear...

Miss April asked some very good questions on my check in blog. I guess my goals have been very broad - I'm a firm believer in brevity as details are usually less than riveting.

Goal 1: Cook at least once a day and DO THE FREAKING DISHES. 
This is my effort to reduce eating out. I don't particularly care for cooking but if I can find quick HEALTHY recipes, I'm more inclined to keep my food money spent at home and my calories more accountable.

Goal 2: Do a Vegan Day.
The vegan day is just a break from cooking and cleaning up after it. Plus it is one more day that I'm not ingesting animal products. I like to try and make it a weekend day since I'm most prone to over-eating on Saturdays and Sundays. I also use it as a reminder of how many cooked and processed items I still eat. Since my juice fast, I realize that I can say no to food entirely. I don't need food I need nutrients and a vegan day is just a little flexing of that willpower muscle... I choose not to do long stints because it leads to binging. I choose to be consistently good about diet and food intake. Sometimes it's nice to mix it up with a brief and healthy "challenge."

I don't do it to clean up my diet. My diet is pretty good.
- No alcohol since may.
- No soda for about 1 year now.
- No white sugars, corn syrup (hydrogenated or not) or sugar substitutes since August.
- No white breads/enriched flour since August.

I'm slowly weaning things I shouldn't consume out of my diet. Next is a lot of my meat products that can be replaced by tofu, tempeh and other vegan/vegetarian alternatives. I'm finding foods that I love that are healthy. I'm replacing a cheeseburger with a serving of cottage cheese. I'm replacing chips with cucumber slices. I'm replacing snickers with clif Z-bars. I'm making menus so I don't have to make decisions on the fly and so I can make educated and well planned trips to the grocery store. (each trip = an opportunity to buy crappy food).

Goal 3: Bedtime at 12:00a.m. 
A stressed body is one that's more resistant to give up pounds. I usually work until 10pm every night and I'm up by 7:00 - 7:30 every day to get to classes or the gym on time. Again this is a bedtime happening in increments. With school starting I've been up progressively later and later in efforts to get every thing done (homework, socializing, cleaning my studio). I've found myself going to bed at 12 and not being able to drift off until 1. - dang this exercising thing giving me so much energy! heh.


Goal 4: Stay on top of piles and piles of homework.
I'm taking some pretty time intensive classes, Voice Pedagogy, Form and Analysis (symphonic scores), Diction for Singers, Creative Writing, Dance Basics and Aquacise. And working 40 hours a week between my 3 jobs. I'm trying to find the time to make sure that everything is taken care of. Again, it's about reducing stress and trying to stay happy and motivated to keep moving.  When I get overwhelmed and behind, I take it out on myself in food and work out cancellations. I will not give myself those excuses. I will keep my crap together. I've done well so far with this... but I can feel that stress creeping up on me and I'm trying to stay ahead of the curve.


Goal 5: Get 7 hours of Gym Time in.
Exercise is structured in that I have 4 hours of work out classes in my academic schedule and 2 hours with a trainer/friend. It looks like this...

Monday - 45 min cardio; 15 min strength training
Tuesday - 60 min swimming/high activity cardio; 15 min stretching, 20 min pilates/yoga, 20 min tap/ballet/jazz/modern.
Wednesday - {free} Just walking to class and work approximately 1 hour/2-3 miles a day. I don't count it as exercise because it's part of my normal daily activity.
Thursday - 60 min swimming/high activity cardio; 15 min stretching, 40 min floor routines
Friday - 45 min cardio; 30 min strength training.

Total:  6 hours

It just means I have to find one more hour by myself somewhere in the middle (usually saturday mornings or Sunday nights). This is motivated by the fact I'm not in choirs this semester. With that stress being gone, I'm choosing to put as much time in the gym per week as I did between my two choir classes. I've spent 6 years obsessing about my music and letting my body go by the wayside. This year I put my body first.

A one pound loss... is still a loss. I would rather lose small amounts every week than go crashing down 5 or more lbs a week only to gain it back when my body revolts. It's also a Pre-period week. I'm surprised I've lost anything with the water I've been retaining. I can see it in my ankles and in my hands.

Plus really, I don't think this is about how fast can I drop the weight. It's about retraining myself to accept a healthier lifestyle. The numbers are motivating. But I refuse to let them be anything else. I would rather find myself craving vegetables and wanting a long walk than see a -3lb mark on the scale. It's about how I feel. My body feels great. My feet hold out longer when standing and walking. My back doesn't give me problems much anymore. I'm finding more "core" strength. My energy levels are high. I don't know how I would be surviving this semester if it weren't for the additional energy and focus.

I'm feeling pretty good about things. I'm exhausted from stress. I know I should be doing better scholastically and that seriously puts a damper on my mood and motiviation for the week. But I'm trying to keep that snarky, bitchy part of myself quiet - the part that walks out of classes when teachers are egotistical and infuriating. I'm finding myself very short tempered these days. But I guess that's the symptom of a body in transition.

Down 32lbs since July and counting.
Big fat love,
Nanette

A Big Thanks!

You guys have been super awesome! It's great to have a supportive network and team that wants to see numbers and hear about improvement. Sometimes it's not what people want to hear about in the day to day as it might come off self-righteous or condescending. It's good to have a place where I can just say all those things that I obsess about as far as body is concerned. I'm feeling really good about the weight loss itself. But it's great to be able to see it in photos and in my life. I'm so glad that Amber helped me find this challenge. Thank you for helping me this far, everyone!

Exercising is getting easier. I spend less time sore. I spend more time motivated and energetic. This week I'm adding another work out and adding 10 minutes to the Mon. Fri. cardio.

Eating healthy is getting easier. I have less crappy food in my apartment. I eat less because I'm more full when I eat the lettuces, carrots, cucumbers, broccoli and other fresh veggies. It's easier to cut out garbage when I can pre-cook things and get ready for the week. Planning has been essential in making positive food choices. When I make a bad food decision, intentionally or not, they are one decision. I can work out. I can make a better choice next time instead of giving up.

Seems ridiculous that it's taken me 24 years to realize that it's not about being hard or hungry or working out until you cry. It's about consistency. I'm hoping that consistency will allow me to kick up my metabolism so when bad food decisions are made, they don't hit as hard.

I'm feeling good.
Big Fat Love,
Nanette

The Tuesday Weigh In

AAAANNNNND.....   BAM!

Down to 337. (-3) from last Tuesday and (-5) from last Thursday.

I made a call to Dad today to let him know. He didn't know that I've been trying to lose weight. But he's very happy. 

Big Fat Love,
Nanette

Self Esteem...

Soooooo....I'm taking this creative writing class. The first week of class one for one of the in class writing exercises we were told to write a big, enveloping topic at the top of our paper. Something we could write a lot about. I chose Insecurity. Then she asked us to pass our paper five people to the left. The paper passed to me had Obesity written across the top. I was curious who was interested and counted over five people to the right. She wouldn't make eye contact with me. She STILL won't make eye contact with me. She literally turns her head each time I squeeze into my desk. She smirks and sort of snickers to herself whenever the teacher uses the word "fat." 

Last week, I was walking to class and saw her chowing down on a McDonald's hamburger and smoking her cigarette. It sort of sealed her fate. Part of the class is workshopping a piece: includes reading paper out loud, receiving critique and then working with it or not. You bet that every piece I write this semester will have some sort of fat theme. 

Yesterday, after reading one of my essays, a friend thought I might need counseling. I'm there. I've been in counseling. This isn't a violent reaction to my surroundings. I'm not an overly negative person. I'm a realist. In that way I can say "I'm fat." This is not a negative thing. It is an honest thing. I'm not afraid to say, "I am fat." I am a lot of things: funny, well spoken, active, fat, overly critical, smart, employed, creative, organized, a redhead, young, a college student, a singer. These are just parts of me. They do not define me. PERSON. I am a person. THAT defines me. 

I've spent long enough feeling sub-par because I'm overweight, obese, morbidly obese. I've spent long enough thinking that with each pound I lose I would gradually lose my wit, or my intelligence, or my kindness. I let it define me for the majority of my life. Now I certainly will not let juvenile behavior make me ashamed of the way I look. I've come very far in the last two years (my heaviest and my re-dedication to health). The locker room no longer scares me. Changing backstage does not scare me. Walking around my house naked does not scare me. People looking at me in awe at my size or whispering to one another does not intimidate me. I can look at myself in the mirror and see how beautiful I am and it has NOTHING to do with lumps and bumps and pounds. I bear my weight battle scars proudly. 

This is not a mantra. This isn't what I tell myself everyday. There are days when I struggle to feel sexy. But that is not the struggle of just a fat person. That is the struggle of a person. There are days when I feel like I've eaten crap and I feel regret that I treated my body that way. Days when I wear myself ragged trying to reduce my size. Days when I've given the last that I have to give and still not losing that 2lbs a week. That doesn't mean I hate myself. That doesn't mean I've given up on life. That doesn't mean I DON'T HAVE SELF-ESTEEM. It means that life is tough. For me. For you. For everyone. 

Feeling negative things (regret, guilt, etc) is motivation for me. It's like algebra...
If I put garbage in my body, 

Then I feel {insert negative emotion}. 

{Food for Thought} 

Behavioral Conditioning - n. Psychology 

A process of behavior modification in which the likelihood of a specific behavior is increased or decreased through positive or negative reinforcement each time the behavior is exhibited, so that the subject comes to associate the pleasure or displeasure of the reinforcement with the behavior.

There is no "I'll do better tomorrow." There is "I'll do better next time I decide to put something in my mouth." I don't have to wait until tomorrow to make healthy decisions. I can make them every time I decide to eat, not eat, or move.

So please...   realize. I do like myself. These negative things I say aren't to tear myself down. They are just honest. We need to recognize negative in order to make positive change and greater our understand of where our negativity comes from. 

Big FAT Love, 

Nanette

A Guilt Post

This is my guilt post. I have carb overloaded today. I had 2 slices of Margherita pizza for lunch. I'm still under the caloric and carb limits that MyFitnessPal has set for me. As a result, I don't feel great. I'm bloaty and too full. I over-indulged with a friend who is experiencing her first break up. Again... the social eating. I've done mostly well with her. I've been helping her move out of their shared apartment while we talk instead of stuffing my face when we talk.

I will be a stronger person. My body is made of cells and the cells are made of what I eat. I will make healthy, organic cells that are fully functional and made with proper nutrition. I will drink enough water (I still have 5 hours to make that happen). I will plan my meals better for tomorrow and the weekend.

I'm thinking, since I have a particular hard time with weekends, that I should make my Saturdays a raw food/vegan day. I mean... that's one entire day of not eating garbage. But I will definitely need to grocery shop and to find recipes before the weekend starts. I find that without preparation and forethought, I eat too much of sparsely nutritious food. So this weekend, I'm going to try my hand at making my own Breakfast Bars with fiber and protein for those mornings on the go and those afternoon carb cravings.

Wednesday is the only day of the 5 day week that I don't spend doing any physical activity. So in addition to the poor eating, I'm feeling really guilty and lethargic. I refuse to fall back into old habits. Tonight I will walk home from work (.5 miles) instead of catch the quick ride home with a coworker. I will push myself hard tomorrow in swimming and dance. I will pick up my walking pace and get that heart pumping.

Water: 80oz (it's only 5pm though, I can get in another 40).
Workouts: 3/6 for the week.
Veggies: 3/2 servings

Big Fat {guilty} Love,
Nanette

Today's Mantra

I love these photos. I love that I will feel thinner and healthier soon. I will love these photos for showing me my progress. I will... I will...