2 days of work under my belt.

Two days of work have gone by. I think I'm ready to start taking on the office? Well... ready or not. Doc is back from vacation and I'm going to be doing just that today. Here's hoping I don't make an ass of myself on the phones with the customers or give someone the wrong supplements. It's a busy day. I just hope that it all goes without a hitch so I can build some confidence. heh. I mean, I have confidence, but so I can validate it.

I've been cruising dollar stores these past couple of days; picking up household items and looking for a good, cheap water bottle. Looks like I'm going to have to break down and buy a nice expensive one (that I hopefully won't lose). And find a place to buy one. The outdoors stores aren't as frequent and obvious here. So much getting used to! 

Fluids

Monday - 80oz. 

Tuesday - 100oz. 

Goals

- Buy water bottle 

- write out this week's schedule. 

- take stock of what pots and pans are in this apt. 

- make a menu. 

- make a grocery list. 

My calories have been out of control in the evenings when I get home from work because I don't take time to stop and snack during the 5 hour shift... that happens to fall very awkwardly from 1:30 - 7:30. So I'm rushing to get there during what would normally be lunch (skipping it) and working through dinner time. Getting home and ordering something while I much on stuff waiting for it to arrive. TERRIBLE HABITS! I've only done it twice. But it has to change before I like it too much.

Here's how I want my typical work day to look. 

9am up. eat something. 

9:30 go to gym. 

10:30 home to shower

11:00 get dressed, pack bag. 

11:15 eat something and make snack to go. 

11:45 brush teeth, run out door. 

12:00 be to station or on train. Use train ride to make menus and list out thoughts. 

1:00 be to the work area with a little extra "train running slow" time, eat a snack. 

1:30 work. 

4:30 Take a little break. 10 min. Eat snacks. 

7:30 Off work... head to train, or to shops for water bottles. 

8:30 home. Make a real dinner and maybe a snack for tomorrow (kale chips?). 

9:30 clean up the house EVERYDAY. I'm telling you this one room, two people, one cat thing gets messy. 

10:00 sit down and dink around on my laptop, read blogs, write emails, update facebook. etc. 

12:00am bed. 

Let's talk about those "eat somethings" I would like it to look like this. 

pre-workout: usually fruit & yogurt, sometimes just one or the other. 

post-workout: peanut butter on toast. 

train snack: sliced cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, or baby carrots

work snack: string cheese, almonds, apple. 

real dinner: protein + veggie + fruit 

laptop snack: cottage cheese. 

Yesterday it looked like this. 

9am Breakfast: raspberries + 1/4 c yogurt. 

11am snack: spoonful of peanut butter. 

8:30 pm: waiting for dinner to arrive... 3 spoonfuls of ice cream, a slice of cheese. 

9:30 pm dinner: cheese pizza, the entire 10" thing. 

So Friday... I have some shopping to do in order to make next week run a little better. This week, I'll find a way to eat what I have (not in one sitting) and make room for the stuff I'm bringing home.

Big Fat List Makin'- Brain Organizin' Love, 

Nanette

Weakness and Procrastination.

Do you have those weeks where everything sort of plays on your current weakness? This past week it seems like pizza was everywhere I looked; mentioned in the fat blogs, advertised in the sidebars of monetized blogs/videos, free at work, in every conversation around me...   well. I gave in. I had 3 slices last night and threw the rest away.

It wasn't some amazing pizza. It was disappointing. It was greasy, carb-y and salty. And I'm over it. I make better homemade pizza than what I had at the local pizzeria (which I thought was amazing, to die for pizza about 8 months ago). 

Since my Lent challenge of not going out, I've had a harder time staying on my plan. So I think I'm going back to it - modification: I can go out with my trainer every once in a while. We go to restaurants and assess the healthiness of each other's dinners and it works out quite well to keep me eating healthy while out on the town. 

When I eat homemade food I lose weight. 

Well, I felt so bad about my pizza indulgence yesterday... more correctly, I felt bad about my weakness and lack of willpower. My friend and I went to the grocery store and bought $10 worth of veggies. Because I have decided that today is a raw foods day. 

Also... Today is a run day. Now was it last week??? I ranted and raved about not wanting to be judged and then went running on the busiest road in town... Today I was running alley ways again. As empowering as it was to say "Go ahead world, JUDGE ME," it's easier to concentrate on the running, breathing and consistency when I don't run into anyone. 

I felt really great about today's run. I'm on week 3 of c25k. 

2 rounds

1.5 min run

1.5 min walk

3 min run

3 min walk

It was my second time running this. I didn't have to stop for a second to catch my breath on the 3 minute runs like I did last time. It was easier to distract myself since it was daylight out and I could see all the stuff around me. I found that when my feet started aching or my knees complained a little, if I concentrate on swinging my arms, I can't hear the other body parts.

I ran across a couple of people while I was out. A fellow runner slowed down and ran with me for a block... It was a lovely show of support. There were also a couple cars driving by that gave me a friendly wave and a thumbs up.

It took rotating through all my excuses this morning to get me out and running. Ipod isn't charged. Check my email. Check my facebook. Go to the bathroom twice. Eat a little something. Brush my teeth. Drink some water. Put more music on my playlist. My excuses took longer than the actual run. I recognize that.... the excuses probably aren't going to disappear entirely. But with time, I hope to lessen the time I spend procrastinating exercise. I can't afford that. Life is short. There's so much to get done. Why waste your time puttering around? I know my goals. Time to GET TO THEM!

Saw this quote in a running magazine this week... love it. I AM A RUNNER. 

Menu
B: celery + carrots
S: fresh ground peanut butter + celery
L: celery + carrots + tomato + spinach + asparagus.
S: Steamed broccoli + cucumber + balsamic vinaigrette
D: Asparagus + tomato + garlic sauteed.

Workout
Interval Run.

Big Fat Get Your Head In The Game Love,
Nanette

The Big Fat Truth

Grandma called me the “husky” grandchild. Which is not only an insult, but a confusing one. Husky. Isn’t that a dog? Brothers chanted, “Hay is for horses, too bad you’re a cow.” My mother said I had a build like my father. My peers didn’t say anything. Maybe because they didn’t notice I was big. Maybe because I wasn’t big. Maybe because their parents raised them right. Maybe because they knew I would be merciless in return.

Fat people aren’t smart. Fat people sweat. Fat people wobble unattractively. Fat people have altered gaits. Fat people make the car sink more than others when they get in. Fat people only talk about food. Fat people eat at McDonalds. Fat people aren’t active. Fat people are easily winded.

I had two role models in the home. Mom, a runner who left carrot sticks and cucumber slices in the kitchen for the family to munch on. She would also go to the grocery store and buy a package of cookies. By the time she got home and sat in the driveway for a few minutes, more than half a package was gone. We don’t have sweets in our house. Dad, a 558lb private business owner, would buy the pizza, the ice cream, the ingredients, if I would pick them up from the store. He would never go through a drive thru and rarely went to restaurants – only the kind without booths.

Fat people shouldn’t wear sleeveless dresses or shirts. Fat people shouldn’t talk about hunger. Fat people shouldn’t say they are fat. Fat people shouldn’t ride on airplanes. Fat people can’t see their toes. Fat people can’t be in relationships. Fat people can’t move. Fat people can’t be healthy.

If you are fat, you have two options. You can be the dumb and pathetic fat or you can be the smart and funny fat. These aren’t my rules. This is what is portrayed in popular movies and television shows. They are reinforced by jokes and assumptions. And even in those quintessential coming of age story lines, where the chunky misfit (a whopping size twelve), whittles down to a svelt supermodel type, they reinforce that a size 12 is "gross." My response was almost Darwinian. I became funny fat to survive. I maneuvered through imaginary conflicts so not to be caught wordless.

The overheard passive aggressive insult…
“Look at her man, she’s huge! I wonder if her boyfriend can even find her vagina.”
“Pardon me, you noticed I was fat. I noticed you’re vapid. At least there’s something I can do about my situation.”

The family reunion intervention…
“We’ve noticed you’ve gained a lot of weight. Are you okay? Do you need help?”
“I noticed your marriage is falling apart. Are YOU okay?”

Imaginary situations. No one was ever rude enough to say things like that. Only quick glances with furrowed brows, which could have been genuine concern, but interpreted by my insecure, fat mind as social daggers of "how dare she be that big?!" 

Fat people should feel bad about being fat. Fat people are unattractive.  Fat people don’t like themselves. Fat people break chairs. Fat people will have heart attacks. Fat people are diabetic. Fat people can’t have sex. Fat people have thyroid problems.

People are nicer than they are in my head. If I say the word “fat,” even at my heaviest, peers would pacify their own discomfort “Oh, you’re not fat, don’t talk about yourself that way.” Fat is a bad word. Don’t say “fat.” It makes people uncomfortable.

Fat people make others uncomfortable. Fat people are offensive. Fat people order more food. Fat people smell. Fat people wear muumuus. Fat people take busses.

In letting what others think shape me, I made fat rules in high school.

1 – Never get in the car first.
2 – Always wear sleeves.
3 – Never talk about food.
4 – Never let them see you sweat.
5 – Do what’s possible to wiggle less.

Then I went to college.

Deborah Voigt at the SanFranOpera (size 20)

Fat people can date. Fat people can socialize. Fat people can dance. Fat people can help other people. Fat people can like themselves. Fat people can go to the gym. Fat people can be on stage. Fat people can laugh at themselves. Fat people can change.

Now I’m making the fattest rules for real life.

1 – Do what you want (includes dating, sex, exercise, reading, eating)

2 – Date who you want (includes athletes, nerds, musicians, poets)

3 – Wear what you want (includes the sleeveless and the short). 

4 – Talk how you want (includes fat, food, boys, weight, goals, thoughts)

5 – Love your body (include all of it). 

6 – Strive to be healthy (includes some wiggling, sweating and smelling).

Big Fat Breaking Patterns Love,
Nanette

My relationship with food (novella).

I was reading Mir's blog today... she'd talked about the psychological issues between dieters and lasting success. You know, the whole re-evaluate your relationship with food thing.

I am lucky. I am young. Granted, I'm also the fattest person in the E2E challenge. So I'm not sure if that says my "issues" with food are more terrible or aggressive.. etc. But I still consider myself lucky to be attacking these habits before they'd become more engrained.

A lot of where we come from, or how we approach food starts in youth. Mom is a closet eater. Dad was morbidly obese. I have three older brothers who didn't pitfall into obsessive eating patterns. I didn't start packing on the pounds until I was in 5th grade and bodily changes started happening - of course. I started to feel bad for myself, particularly about always being the slow one at tag during recess and I compensated with books, knowledge and a quick tongue.

I earned my own money at a very young age by working for my dad. I would buy my own sweets and mom and dad couldn't regulate that. It was MY money. I always bought in excess and I was usually active enough that I didn't see the results until I stopped growing (vertically). Little Debbies, candy bars, string cheese. I loved to eat them one by one, layer by layer, while reading Rohl Dahl's books about poor unfortunate children overcoming evil parents and victimizing situations.

My brothers would sort of do the same thing. Joe had a padlock on his giant box of goldfish crackers and David had his power bars and Lincoln had Subway. So I guess our backgrounds were more similar than I'd thought. In a way we all struggled with addiction... except for maybe David. Lincoln was a meth addict, Joseph was always neck deep in something REALLY NERDY. Mine was food.

Food was how dad and I bonded. Food was how I made myself feel better. Food was how I distanced myself. Food was how I rewarded myself. Food was my secret indulgence. Food was also DELICIOUS. Food played a lot of roles in my life while growing up.

I really started fattening up when I gave up swimming. I used to spend entire summers in the pool, until I discovered I was a total freak and had a zit on my shoulder and then gave up the swim suit for 8 years.  I gained most of my weight in 8 years. It's incredible to put a number to how long it took me to gain 150+lbs.

During that 8 years our family went through Lincoln dealing with some severe drug problems. Which in turn, became family problems... emotional problems... escapism problems. We went through some family counseling. I only went to two or three sessions and the therapist told me that for having such tumultuous relationships around me and feelings inside, I seemed pretty well adjusted and then he concentrated on Lincoln.

Well-adjusted = being able to step back from a situation to protect myself from experiencing difficult emotions. I had a lot of depressive thoughts and terrible self-esteem. I used food to help create distance. I hid under a fat blanket. My body literally became a barrier between me and the crap in the family, community and school.

Then I escaped to college and the weight gain stopped for about a year. Then started again when school go tough. My instructors got personal and my peers were even more difficult to deal with... Then we start having issues with religion. I nearly quit my degree and then went into counseling.

In counseling we talked about the music department mainly and how I felt trapped and I needed to graduate. Ultimately the conclusion was that I needed to accept accountability for life and decisions. Life is not something that just happens to someone. We are not powerless to control our direction and "destiny."

The counselor tried to talk to me about weight and I went from weepy to fire breathing dragon in mere seconds. I wasn't ready to tame that issue yet. But I'm sure it was apparent that I was fighting my stress with food and inactivity and unhealthy choices. I'm sure that a lot of my stress, anger and feelings of being overwhelmed could have used some good cardio instead of tears.

However, having reached one giant understanding of my unhappiness (that accountability thing) and the end of the semester, I quit counseling. I did two more years of school without murdering my peers or professors. I got more involved in student government. I had some leadership positions. Because if I was going to complain about how things were run, I was going to try and help shape things or understand the system better. I stressed. I ate. I got angry... for two years. Then I finished my senior recital. Gave up my leadership positions. Started working out. Started eating better. Started working 40 hour weeks.

And that's where I am now. I am in control of my life... I am responsible for the decisions I make. PARTICULARLY concerning my body. Food is a my coping mechanism. It's where I turn when I'm angry, stressed, happy, sad, lonely. That's what I'm up against - emotions, really. When I experience emotion, I eat.

Now, I'm much better at keeping my emotions in check and level than I was before. So the temptations happen less. But not experiencing the extremes of my personal emotional roller coaster sometimes doesn't feel like really living. I'm not medicated. I don't think I need to be. I'm pretty good at being my own anti-depressant and sometimes I just need to experience my depression so I can get past it.

Not all of my days are good ones. But that's typical and healthy. Not all of my days are bad ones either.

I've been arguing with myself this week... I'm sad the artistic/angsty part of myself has almost disappeared. It provided me with a lot of good inspiration for art, music, writing... but I can definitely say that I am happier now than I've been since 5th grade.

Sometimes work sucks. Sometimes friends suck. Sometimes the negative blog comments suck. But I can let it go. Maybe not immediately. But I can feel my feelings and release them... instead of shoving them in my mouth (along with calories) and hoping that I can poop them out. heh! This is something to work on for life... and here I am, trying to accept that early before I become even more stuck in my own ways.


Big Fat Where I Come From Love,
Nanette

Ps. If you made it through all that, you get six points. Redeemable for awesome.

For Maren - Fattitude.

I'm taking Maren up on her suggestion to write a blog about self-worth and fat. 

She wrote a post about finding the body love while still being fat and wrote it quite well...   Also Myra's response post got me thinking. 

"Joy in the Journey" is a phrase I've heard a thousand times over growing up...   and then in the music world, they tell you that the practicing has to be just as satisfying as the performance. So here we are... Fat. In transition. Can we find the happiness in that? Sure thing! 

I don't believe that being happy, while fat, means that you're not going to change or that you've become contented and complacent with your size. I can love my body and still work on it. As Maren said, we are more than our fat. We are complex people with varying interests and challenges. 

If we have to be sad because we're fat, then I could logically conclude that being thin is happiness and that's just not true. The baggage (emotional) that we carry along with our fat baggage needs just as much work and processing in order to be happy people. 

I've said it a few times... My dad lost his weight too late. He can't really enjoy the benefits of being thin. He still hurts. He's lost a lot of muscle. He's replaced so many body parts. His health is STILL affected by his years spent above 500lbs. I suspect that he thought he'd be happy when he lost weight... and it became this magical place in his mind "lost weight" or "skinny" or "thin." A place where there is limitless energy and recaptured youth and rainbows and puppies and the occasional slice of pizza. 

Well... he's lost weight. He's thin. He's spend the last 2 years in and out of hospitals, bed-ridden. He's still struggling to be a happy person. He's struggling to enjoy life. He still has a short temper. He still says mean things. He still has money problems. He still gets frustrated when he can't do things or when he needs help. He still likes to spend the majority of his time in front of a computer or a television. He doesn't go outside much or get very physical. He lost weight. But he isn't happy... He's still on that journey.

I believed that if Dad were thin, things would get better. I really did believe he would be happier, more kind, more patient. Now I know better. Thin doesn't mean any of that. Thin means carrying around a lot less physical weight - which has a plethora of positive benefits, if you can take advantage of them. 

Don't get me wrong... I love my dad through and through. He's a tough nut, but when you get past the shell, he's all softness. I'm a complete daddy's girl - which makes it harder to watch his health decline and see him turn into a confined ornery old cuss. 

My family in 2005? I was still in high school. In this pic, my dad had already lost about 100-150lbs. And the tall guy in the back... yeah... he's not standing on anything, he's just 6'7"

Achieving a certain weight does not mean you'll be happy and that problems will be solved. Happiness is based entirely on how you choose to view your life. 

I wrote this as a response to Myra's blog.. 

One must enjoy the practice as well as the performance or one will spend the majority of the time miserable. Eating right and exercising can be challenging AND fun... not just something to endure until we're thin - because if we haven't learned to be happy by then, the problem isn't weight, but attitude.

And I think that's the most succinct way I could say it.

Big Fat and Happy Love,
Nanette

A Boise Weekend.

Just got back from a fun weekend in Boise. I got to visit friends who have graduated and/or moved on from the college life. I made new friends. I tried new things. I even got a visit to the gym in. I didn't track calories. But I know I did okay.

Ashley, the one who invited me to stay with her, paid for my bus ticket to and from in exchange for voice lessons. It was such a great experience to teach her. She was responsive and bodily aware. It was definitely more rewarding than the high school student I taught last semester. Her accompanist, Esteban, was so wonderful. He's a classical guitarist. They were working on Bachianas Brasileras. It was the most healthy and helpful collaboration I've ever witnessed. Esteban was happy to hear what I was doing with Ashley and commented on a lot of the things that were working. I found out after the lessons that Esteban has his doctorate from Indiana University (prestigious music program). I love that I had no idea. He chose to just be a musician instead of a doctor of music. He was without pretension. It's possible! It gives me faith that I can escape this program and hopefully find a collaboration of my own that's just as rewarding.

We went to a couple bars. We danced. MAN did we dance (cardio)! My hips are still tight. She threw a house party in my honor. A few of the other Boise friends came out of the woodwork in addition to strangers that she ran into that day and her own collection of people she wanted to share. It was a collection of free-minded, love everyone, hippies. There was a man named Og sporting dreds, one enormous gauged ear, who hugged me and greeted me as "sister." There was also a lot of talk about Burning Man and Rainbow Family Gatherings. A man named Calvin - as in calvin and hobbes, and yes he some times has an imaginary friend. Joe, Jason, Jack, James... I would tell you more if I could remember which one was which. heh.

Ashley, Me, Lindz 

My Aunt LD had me over for an art party. We play with new techniques and toys whenever I go there. We throw around different visual ideas for journaling or expression in general. I'm meaning to put together a positive affirmation page or visual goals... I need to buy a couple health magazines. I have plenty of weight loss pages. But not many envisioning a thin healthy future.

Yet to be finished, painted this weekend

Favorite part though. Ashley works at an all vegetarian tea house. So lovely tea. Lovely veggie burgers. Thorough menu. Spicy kale chips. We (Ashley, Lindz and I) went on Ashley's day off and had lunch. We painted there. Lindz got out her loom and was weaving a scarf. It was a really laid back vibe. No one was going to get mad at us for using our water glasses to rinse paint brushes. :)

I weighed in yesterday when I got back and went to work out. I actually lost a pound! 332! So I consider the vacation a healthy release with a few minor indulgences. I'm excited that until Jan 2 I have no school or work so I can relax, paint, work out, research healthier food and work out options and COOK!

Off to the gym with Trent,
Nanette

CDCC - last check in

Hey everyone!

Last go around...

Weigh in: 332 (+3)
Exercise: 6/7
Diet: 7/7 under 1900/mostly green.
Book: Skinny Bitchy - Done.
Dress: Still many sizes away - can't get it on yet. :( But soon I'll be in a 24.
Pant size: 28 to 26.
Shirt size: tight 4x to tight 3x.
Bra: 46DD to 44D

Good news. My body is changing. I can pinch loose skin over my belly, breasts, thighs, ass and arms. Here's hoping that skin with adjust. Though I've promised myself, if I can reach -100 to -120 lbs and keep it off for one year, I will allow myself skin reduction surgery. I don't believe that plastic surgery solves self esteem issues, but this one might be not be cosmetic. I'm a large woman. I don't need my fat skirt to turn into a skin one.

Before

After

Before

Before

After

That's the difference of -11 lbs. Honestly, I'm a little disappointed that the loss was so small, but I think that I've added a lot of muscle and built some excellent habits. 

• I'm not afraid of the gym much anymore. I will try whatever machine I can. 
• I've done a dance class IN SPANDEX IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. Whoa, that in conjunction with swim class, I was basically naked in public four times a week. Tell ya what, that's the cure to insecurity. 
• I finally went in to get my blood panels done. Thank god I'm not diabetic. Here's hoping I can take these preventative measures. 
• I've learned a lot about nutrition and exercise and how to muscle through even when you're not seeing results. 

Here's looking at what I can accomplish before the big move next June. Hopefully more than another -11lbs. But I think I'm on the verge of the next big weight drop with a new work out regime starting and waiting for this last work out intensive week to take it's toll. Hell, I'm okay with not losing a ton more weight, as long as I see a difference in my body. My legs are looking so much smoother and actually toned in certain places (calves and ankles). I look forward to concentrating on my fat wings and seeing what I can do to help my upper body strength. 

Good job, guys! It's been fun watching and reading about others' journeys. Sometimes it's just what I need to hear that day... whether it be knowing I'm not alone in a struggle or that the progress I see in others is inspiring. You've all been so helpful. 

I'm probably going to keep blogging about weight loss. I've still got a whopping 100lbs to lose. I'm staying subscribed to others and hopefully we can continue to support and work, with or without the next challenge. 

Big Fat -11lbs Love, 

Nanette

Mid-week Finals

Normally I get to weigh in on tuesday and thursday to sort of keep and eye on my progress. This week I've been pressed for time and I'm in for a surprise on Friday! We'll see what happens.

I've been switching up my workout. I've switched from bike to elliptical. From upper body weights to lower. Longer cardio. Longer weights. I'm up to 1.5 hours a day a the gym since Sunday. I'm feeling good. I'm pushing myself on the elliptical. Every four minutes, I do the fifth minute as hard and fast as possible. Just trying to integrate some interval training. I started on sunday doing 7 minute intervals. But I'm getting faster and better... and Pushing myself for more intervals in the 25 minutes I do on it.

I'm squatting more than Trent does now. More reps, heavier weights. Tell ya what... hauling all this fat around has SOME benefits. heh. The times of day have been varied so far too... I'm trying to do some mornings. Tonight was the first night. I didn't have work due to my final. Night time is Nanette-working-a-desk-job time. So it was a little tougher tonight to push myself. But I hope it will kick my body in gear and get off this plateau.

Look at that smooth hair!!! It's growing so quickly! 

The diet has been going medium so far this week. a lot of salads. I've had a little chicken. a little fish. a little cheese here and there. Today at my voice pedagogy final, the teacher brought pizza. I had a veggie piece since I wouldn't have time to make anything before gym time. I also had a couple brownie bites. So yeah... that's falling right off the raw thing. Do I feel bad about it though? Not really. I'm trying not to eat less than 1700 calories a day and tomorrow morning is back to bananas and yogurt and salads and tilapia.

I notice my hair is behaving much better these days. I'm loving that benefit as well. :)

I AM DONE WITH FINALS. p.s. I rocked the voice ped final today. We're allotted 2 hours. The teacher is pretty picky... But I feel pretty darn good about my answers. They were thorough. AND done in 30 minutes. My study group paid off this morning. I can breathe easy with all that out of the way.

Now on to Christmas with the family and figuring out what to do about my danged lost cellphone...

Big Fat Midweek Love,
Nanette

Technical Difficulties

Due to technical difficulties this blog is brought to you late...

AND I still owe you a weigh in. I'm going swimming at 4 o'clock so I'll be able to get that finally.

I've been eating okay. Staying under my caloric limit, but not eating the healthiest of things and not with the healthiest of timing this last week. But it's finally Thanksgiving Break! I can sit back and relax and catch up on everything stressing me out as far as school goes and not let that get in the way anymore.

I refuse to sleep in over the break... I can't get into that habit. That's how this person misses dance class and everything else! UGH!

I'm sad, my laptop backlight has shorted out. Everything is still functioning... Hopefully I can get that fixed when I'm closer to Salt Lake this week.

My dad is having more health difficulties. He woke up and couldn't feel or move his legs this last week and got himself to the ER in town, they couldn't do the x-rays he needed, so he went to Logan, they did the x-rays but don't have the specialists that they need, so he wound up in OGDEN... (2 hours from where he lives). They did an emergency back surgery to correct a pinched nerve and put some supports between his lumbar vertebrae. He's still having some issues and a LOT of pain. So he's back into surgery today... I guess they're trying to widen the holes that the nerves go through so they don't catch. However, this could also be nerve death happening. Which is scary.

It's a whole bunch of muddy feelings. I mean, I'm glad he's finally getting this looked at and taken care of. I hope he feels better. I also suspect that this is the beginning of a long road of declining health, which is terrible. But I suppose I'd best prepare myself for the hardest truth and celebrate when I'm wrong? Something like that. He's 68 and spent most of his life above the 400lb mark. With his foot injury from last year and the massive infections, he hasn't been out of a wheel chair and back to normal functions for over a year now. The antibiotics have killed his digestive system. And he might be getting a little worn out as far as fighting to get better goes. Though he's incredibly optimistic when he's doped up and not feeling pain. That's probably a feeling he's gotten used to for so many years, being in pain.

I dunno... but as long as praying is happening out there... maybe shoot some his way?

Big Fat Thanksgiving in a Hospital Love,
Nanette

Ever?

Ever have those moments when you catch yourself reacting to your imagination/thoughts? And you realize how deep you were in your head? I just caught myself grinning like a fool while staring at my desk phone having an imaginary conversation with J. Dumb. heh.

Feeling much better. The tonsils are slowly returning to normal... very slowly. But I've got another 4 days of antibiotics. I'm so glad that I don't have to take time off from everything. Plus side, breathing & swallowing. Down side, these things are kind of mean to your tummy, pooper and girly parts.

I skipped swimming because of the girlie parts bit and told myself I'd catch up on exercise with my dance class. Dance class was canceled. So now I owe myself DOUBLE. ugh. I'm slowly trying to get back into the hardcore 7x a week workouts. The sick thing has knocked me out. Take the wind from my sails, swallowed it and farted it back in my face.

On the other hand, I've been very good with food this week. I'm back to solid foods. I can eat! AND I found this little health store here that sells lots of gluten free and happiness. Ice cream that won't beat you over the head with sugar and calories. Bread that doesn't weigh you down. Pre-homemade and vacuum packed potato crusted fish fillets - different sorts, homemade gluten free pastas, low calorie, low sugar, low fat snacks and meal fix-ins made from organic ingredients. It's like the willy wonka of health food.

Big Fat Feeling Better Love,
Nanette
p.s terrified of the weigh in on Thursday. eating well, but less movement = probably not good.

p. p. s. Had someone who hasn't seen me since July tell me that I'm looking really great and that it's apparent that I'm losing weight. YAY! VALIDATION!

CDCC #7

BAD week.

Weigh in: 332 (+1)
Work outs: 2/7
Food: under 1900 calories 3/7
Book: no further.

Doctors visits: 3. I've got an awesome tonsil infection. We're throwing around the word surgery. But nothing is official yet. I'm kinda terrified because I don't know what it'll do to my voice - since that's the chosen area of study and what not. On the plus side, I had them pull blood for the standard health examination. Diabetes, thyroid, cholesterol, lipids, etc. It's the first time I've dared see the results.

In the meanwhile, I'm mainly on liquids - yes, I managed to go over calorie limit while just on liquids yesterday. Gotta calm down on the juices. More water and tea.

Things are calming down a little. Swallowing and breathing are getting easier. Post nasal drip has calmed down. I'm going swimming tomorrow. I've given myself 3 days of down time. I'm going CRAZY staying in all this time.

Big Fat Sicky Love,
Nanette