So This Weight loss Thing and SSSD Update.

Weigh in: 296 (-1)

Measurements
Waist:
Below Waist:
Hips:

Water: 4/7 over 100 oz.

Workouts:
Monday: Hour at the gym.
Tuesday: walk to work.
Wednesday: Dancing at the rooftop party.
Thursday: walking to work.
Friday: aherm. a very fun physical date.
Saturday: fun physical date continues.
Sunday: Walking date around union square and the neighborhood.

So guys... let me break this down for you. I have been SUCKING at this weight loss thing lately. That pound could just as easily be water weight as it could be fat. I have been eating like shit (yesterday's 4 slices of pizza? and a handful of oreos?). I haven't been working out. I even have a gym membership, compliments of dear Wendy (which makes me an ingrate, right?). I feel stuck, but like I don't have enough horsepower to get myself out of this rut. I'm full of excuses... It's hot, I'm tired, I'm on my period, oh I'm just dehydrated...   LIES.

FACT: I am fat and lazy.
FACT: I am entirely in charge of that situation.
FACT: I will stay fat and lazy until I exercise the willpower to be otherwise.
FACT: Willpower and motivation require time and focus.
FACT: GET ON THIS ALREADY, NANETTE!!!

I'm sick of this weekly motivational speech/guilt trip for not doing what I know is best for me. But I know I have to give it. I can't just give up. I can't just let all the work I've done go on pause. I don't want to regain. So I guess this means I need to blog EVERY. DAY. SOMETIMES. TWICE. Sorry guys if it's lame. But I need to get my brain focusing on the fat loss and not what to put in my face next.

Big Fat GET ON THE FREAKING BALL Love,
Nanette

2 days of work under my belt.

Two days of work have gone by. I think I'm ready to start taking on the office? Well... ready or not. Doc is back from vacation and I'm going to be doing just that today. Here's hoping I don't make an ass of myself on the phones with the customers or give someone the wrong supplements. It's a busy day. I just hope that it all goes without a hitch so I can build some confidence. heh. I mean, I have confidence, but so I can validate it.

I've been cruising dollar stores these past couple of days; picking up household items and looking for a good, cheap water bottle. Looks like I'm going to have to break down and buy a nice expensive one (that I hopefully won't lose). And find a place to buy one. The outdoors stores aren't as frequent and obvious here. So much getting used to! 

Fluids

Monday - 80oz. 

Tuesday - 100oz. 

Goals

- Buy water bottle 

- write out this week's schedule. 

- take stock of what pots and pans are in this apt. 

- make a menu. 

- make a grocery list. 

My calories have been out of control in the evenings when I get home from work because I don't take time to stop and snack during the 5 hour shift... that happens to fall very awkwardly from 1:30 - 7:30. So I'm rushing to get there during what would normally be lunch (skipping it) and working through dinner time. Getting home and ordering something while I much on stuff waiting for it to arrive. TERRIBLE HABITS! I've only done it twice. But it has to change before I like it too much.

Here's how I want my typical work day to look. 

9am up. eat something. 

9:30 go to gym. 

10:30 home to shower

11:00 get dressed, pack bag. 

11:15 eat something and make snack to go. 

11:45 brush teeth, run out door. 

12:00 be to station or on train. Use train ride to make menus and list out thoughts. 

1:00 be to the work area with a little extra "train running slow" time, eat a snack. 

1:30 work. 

4:30 Take a little break. 10 min. Eat snacks. 

7:30 Off work... head to train, or to shops for water bottles. 

8:30 home. Make a real dinner and maybe a snack for tomorrow (kale chips?). 

9:30 clean up the house EVERYDAY. I'm telling you this one room, two people, one cat thing gets messy. 

10:00 sit down and dink around on my laptop, read blogs, write emails, update facebook. etc. 

12:00am bed. 

Let's talk about those "eat somethings" I would like it to look like this. 

pre-workout: usually fruit & yogurt, sometimes just one or the other. 

post-workout: peanut butter on toast. 

train snack: sliced cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, or baby carrots

work snack: string cheese, almonds, apple. 

real dinner: protein + veggie + fruit 

laptop snack: cottage cheese. 

Yesterday it looked like this. 

9am Breakfast: raspberries + 1/4 c yogurt. 

11am snack: spoonful of peanut butter. 

8:30 pm: waiting for dinner to arrive... 3 spoonfuls of ice cream, a slice of cheese. 

9:30 pm dinner: cheese pizza, the entire 10" thing. 

So Friday... I have some shopping to do in order to make next week run a little better. This week, I'll find a way to eat what I have (not in one sitting) and make room for the stuff I'm bringing home.

Big Fat List Makin'- Brain Organizin' Love, 

Nanette

Late Late Late! RFSC update

Weight: 305 (+3lbs) Uhhhh... yeah. I deserve that.

Waist: 45.5" (-1") But I'm squishy so measurements aren't super true... or all my fat is feeling some gravity.  heh.

Water: Not even tracked. Needs to be better. I'm just trying to hold on for dear life at the mo.

Food: TERRIBLE. Out to eat 4x this week and THEN a going away party where they served everything cheese related and a cocktail or two happened.

NSV: I made nearly $500 on Saturday with the yard sale. Got my first sunburn (I can calm down about that now).

It's been a crazy crappy week and I want to blame that (and my own reactions to crazy crappy stuff) on the weight gain. I have been pretty terrified as of late that I'm going to regress into Not Caring Land. Too often this week have I indulged the old version of me. I can't give up. I've worked so hard! I have another two years of this kind of thinking....  

So I pulled out my notebook and started making lists. Lists about why I don't want to be fat anymore. Lists of Dad's health problems. Lists of things that I can do better when thin. Lists of how my day can go. Lists of work outs I'd like to do. Lists of food ideas and how to make healthy food so much easier and cheaper than the expensive crap.

So here's the goal for this next week. 

Weight: Return to 302 and get lower than it.

Workouts: New job is starting. I will be walking at least 4 miles a day. 4.5 on MWF. I will do my interval runs on the way home from work AND I have hikes with trainer on Tues Thurs.

Food: I have menu'd and shopped. There is only food in my house that is healthy and I am hardly spending any time here anyway. So I should experience a little success this week. GOT TO.

NSV: Make some stinkin' Money and continue the moving process without continuing this upward trend.


Big Fat Promise-Making Love,
Nanette

Thoughts Through Today's Run

Today I was doing the 3rd day of 2x{3 min run. 1.5 min walk, 5 min run, 2.5 min walk}

And it's the worst I've done. I don't know if it's left over fatigue from the run yesterday? But I wound up walking the last 2 minutes of my running time. It was mainly calf and top of the foot soreness and maybe a little overheating as it's getting warmer and I have a tendency to wither in anything over 60.

The worst part of it were the thoughts running through my head.
"wow, you skip one run."
"maybe you need to take a break."
"you can't take a break, you probably wouldn't start again."
"wouldn't it be nice though, to go back to not having to worry or care about it."
"Might be nice, but you HAVE to keep going. You have to keep running and caring about health."
"ooo feet hurt."
"push through it"
"trying."
"gotta walk."
"defeated."
"what's wrong with me?! I made it through just fine on Sunday."

I feel like a faker as of late... Fake dieter. Fake exerciser. Is that because some of it is getting easier? Is it because I'm not making as many quality choices? Is it distraction? Am I being worn down by this whole transition thing?

Is this just a transition thing? Am I getting comfortable? I'm not gaining... (well, I am a little but TOM is here and that messes with things). I've even seen losses. Am I beating myself up over nothing? Maybe some of the healthy choices I've worked so hard to make are just becoming easier.

I feel a little resistant to my work outs and my healthy eating as of late. I took a complete hiatus from MFP for three days. I've got a menu that I've never shopped for and a work out list that never made it onto post its as reminders.

Maybe I'm worn out? Maybe I should just be trying to go with the flow these days... since every day seems to be about change and adaptation.

I have to keep losing. I have to. Even if I'm in this "blah don't care" state. I have to keep losing. I need to find my little nugget of motivation and inspiration and pick myself up.

Have any of you guys been stuck in a place similar to this? What's your advice? How'd you get out of the funk?

Big Fat Funked Up Love,
Nanette

All Talk

NOT!   So I was watching the A&E channel show "Heavy" on netflix last night. It got me thinking, nothing bad happened to these people by working out every day. There are fat people (same size as me) running. Stop making stupid excuses and DO SOMETHING EVERY DAY THIS WEEK. I have to drop some weight this week in order to satiate my own expectations... I have to end this challenge with a bang. I will be free of this area on the scale.

So I started today. It took me 2 hours to get my ass out of the house (easily distracted). But I got a 5k hike/walk (very hilly, but paved trail). The end of the trail spits you out by a grave yard. I had my ipod with me and I just decided that yeah... I was going to run. So I pulled up the running app thingy and did my first interval run in MONTHS. 5k + 8x(1min run, 1.5 min walk).

I have some post its on the back of my door with times and work outs. This week. I resolve to do the daily warm up every morning, regardless of whether or not I'm going directly into a work out. Just get the body up and moving.  Then off to start the day. If anything it reminds me of all the moving parts. I don't usually think about things like warming up my hip flexors or shoulder rotators... It just seems like a smart thing to start integrating ON MY OWN... (trying to be independent here, can't afford a trainer when I move).

My ideas for this week's fitness keep morphing... so just roll with me here. :)


The post-its look like this...

Monday
9am - Full Body Warm up
9:30 3x through 50/10 w/post stretching.
pushups
squats
bicep curls
plank.

Tuesday
8am - Full Body Warm Up
9am - 50 minute swim class
10am - 30 minute HIIT w/ stretching.

Wednesday
9am - Full Body Warm Up
10pm - Interval Run (1min run, 1.5 min walk)8x
Stretching vid.

Thursday

8am - Full Body Warm Up
9am - Swim Class
10am - 30 minute HIIT w/ stretching

Friday
9am - Full Body Warm up
9:30 3x through 50/10 w/stretching after
Burpees (ugh)
Bridge with leg lifts.
Side lunges + kick
Competition Sit ups
Side abs (right)
Side abs (left)
1pm - Interval Run (1.5 min run, 2 min walk)6x

Saturday
9am - Full Body Warm Up.

Sunday
9am - Full Body Warm Up
Midday - Interval Run (1.5 run, 2 min walk) 6x

Above is my favorite lady, Zuzana Light, doing the daily warm up and the stretch routine. They're kind of long. There are abbreviated ones... but if I'm going to get down on the floor and do something, I may as well get comfortable.

Big Fat FITNESS MINDED Love,
Nanette

Fits.

I've been fighting the scale all week. I've been fluctuating between 313 (great!) and 316 (booo!). I can't gain weight. I have been sucking at the Allan Challenge. I mean... I'm staying under the caloric goals and I'm near the water intake every day (within 16oz usually). Plus getting in the 3x a week interval training. (minus the swimming class this week because of spring break). But I got an additional 3 mile walk in yesterday. WHY AM I NOT SEEING SMALLER NUMBERS? I'm not being cheaty on MFP or anything.

So here we go... Yesterday I got all overwhelmed about how long it's going to take me to get out of the "obese" BMI range. And about how I've only come so far and it's been like... 7 months. (In addition to not feeling like I've had a solid loss pattern for 4 weeks). I got a comment on the Numbers blog from a fellow number nerd. She laid it out pretty clearly.

  3500 calories per pound
   170 pounds to lose
595,000 calories to burn
   365 days to burn it
   1630.2 calories to burn per day.
   2302 Basic Metabolic Rate (BMR)
   1400 caloric intake (average)
   902 additional calories to burn per day!!!


Now we're working with productive numbers. This I can handle. Yes... It will probably take me more than 365 days. But it seemed like a good place to start. I'm going to have to up the ante with my personal fitness.

I worry about running at my weight because 315lbs on my knees, hips and ankles just doesn't seem like a great idea. I miss the elliptical. However, I can do interval training at home. I can do yoga. I can put two more SCHEDULED AND COMMITTED WORK OUTS INTO MY LIFE. And on my rest days... I still need to do what they call "active rest" aka... leave the house. Though sometimes it's hard because I can be such a homebody and I hate sunshine. I'm also going to try and take some photos for you guys because it makes me feel like I have a purpose on the walk.

Here's the plan. 

Mondays: active rest (WALK DAMMIT!)
Tuesday: Aquacise + HIIT
Wednesday: HIIT
Thursday: Aquacise + HIIT
Friday: active rest
Saturday: PiYo class + jog/walk (at night of course, when they can't see me a-jiggling).
Sunday: HIIT at home or go on a hike with Tawnie.

I'm also implementing a new eating plan. Because I'm kind of a muncher... and I want to have better accountability for how many times I eat in a day. I have created some fun rules.

Before I eat I will... 

- drink 24oz of water. 

- take a walk around the block. 

- take 5 deep sighing breaths

- throw away or choose to donate 5 things. 

I've decided I will change these rules when I get sick of them but I have to follow them for a week. Let's see how long all of this lasts. I hope it's enough to kick me out of the stupid slump I'm in... I need to GET OUT OF THE 300's! I only have two months left before the NY move and I want there to be significantly less of me to take on that plane, to find an apartment for, to get someone to hire!

Big Fat ReCommit Love,
Nanette

The Big Fat Truth

Grandma called me the “husky” grandchild. Which is not only an insult, but a confusing one. Husky. Isn’t that a dog? Brothers chanted, “Hay is for horses, too bad you’re a cow.” My mother said I had a build like my father. My peers didn’t say anything. Maybe because they didn’t notice I was big. Maybe because I wasn’t big. Maybe because their parents raised them right. Maybe because they knew I would be merciless in return.

Fat people aren’t smart. Fat people sweat. Fat people wobble unattractively. Fat people have altered gaits. Fat people make the car sink more than others when they get in. Fat people only talk about food. Fat people eat at McDonalds. Fat people aren’t active. Fat people are easily winded.

I had two role models in the home. Mom, a runner who left carrot sticks and cucumber slices in the kitchen for the family to munch on. She would also go to the grocery store and buy a package of cookies. By the time she got home and sat in the driveway for a few minutes, more than half a package was gone. We don’t have sweets in our house. Dad, a 558lb private business owner, would buy the pizza, the ice cream, the ingredients, if I would pick them up from the store. He would never go through a drive thru and rarely went to restaurants – only the kind without booths.

Fat people shouldn’t wear sleeveless dresses or shirts. Fat people shouldn’t talk about hunger. Fat people shouldn’t say they are fat. Fat people shouldn’t ride on airplanes. Fat people can’t see their toes. Fat people can’t be in relationships. Fat people can’t move. Fat people can’t be healthy.

If you are fat, you have two options. You can be the dumb and pathetic fat or you can be the smart and funny fat. These aren’t my rules. This is what is portrayed in popular movies and television shows. They are reinforced by jokes and assumptions. And even in those quintessential coming of age story lines, where the chunky misfit (a whopping size twelve), whittles down to a svelt supermodel type, they reinforce that a size 12 is "gross." My response was almost Darwinian. I became funny fat to survive. I maneuvered through imaginary conflicts so not to be caught wordless.

The overheard passive aggressive insult…
“Look at her man, she’s huge! I wonder if her boyfriend can even find her vagina.”
“Pardon me, you noticed I was fat. I noticed you’re vapid. At least there’s something I can do about my situation.”

The family reunion intervention…
“We’ve noticed you’ve gained a lot of weight. Are you okay? Do you need help?”
“I noticed your marriage is falling apart. Are YOU okay?”

Imaginary situations. No one was ever rude enough to say things like that. Only quick glances with furrowed brows, which could have been genuine concern, but interpreted by my insecure, fat mind as social daggers of "how dare she be that big?!" 

Fat people should feel bad about being fat. Fat people are unattractive.  Fat people don’t like themselves. Fat people break chairs. Fat people will have heart attacks. Fat people are diabetic. Fat people can’t have sex. Fat people have thyroid problems.

People are nicer than they are in my head. If I say the word “fat,” even at my heaviest, peers would pacify their own discomfort “Oh, you’re not fat, don’t talk about yourself that way.” Fat is a bad word. Don’t say “fat.” It makes people uncomfortable.

Fat people make others uncomfortable. Fat people are offensive. Fat people order more food. Fat people smell. Fat people wear muumuus. Fat people take busses.

In letting what others think shape me, I made fat rules in high school.

1 – Never get in the car first.
2 – Always wear sleeves.
3 – Never talk about food.
4 – Never let them see you sweat.
5 – Do what’s possible to wiggle less.

Then I went to college.

Deborah Voigt at the SanFranOpera (size 20)

Fat people can date. Fat people can socialize. Fat people can dance. Fat people can help other people. Fat people can like themselves. Fat people can go to the gym. Fat people can be on stage. Fat people can laugh at themselves. Fat people can change.

Now I’m making the fattest rules for real life.

1 – Do what you want (includes dating, sex, exercise, reading, eating)

2 – Date who you want (includes athletes, nerds, musicians, poets)

3 – Wear what you want (includes the sleeveless and the short). 

4 – Talk how you want (includes fat, food, boys, weight, goals, thoughts)

5 – Love your body (include all of it). 

6 – Strive to be healthy (includes some wiggling, sweating and smelling).

Big Fat Breaking Patterns Love,
Nanette

Ready For Summer #1

Starting Weigh in: 313 lbs
Starting Waist: 47"
Clothing Size: 4x/3x, 26/28

Challenge Goals 

Scale: -18lbs 

NSV: -2" from waist

Exercise: 5x a week 

Food: WOD 1700, NWOD 1300. 

This week's goals

Scale: -2lbs

NSV: Stretch every day so I can touch my toes while sitting with my legs straight in front of me.
Also, try on every item of clothing I own and donate the ones that are too large.

Exercise:
Monday: Trainer
Tuesday: Trainer 500 rep challenge!
Wednesday: Day off.
Thursday: Trainer
Friday: Do it yourself! (3 mile walk)
Saturday: Do it yourself! (interval training).

Nutrition: Dairy Free Week!

Mini RFS Challenge: Try a new fruit or veg.

Guess who's amped for a new challenge... it's a new type of challenge as well. That's exciting too. I love to switch things up. Bring it on, change!

Big Fat READY TO START Love,
Nanette

Back on the Wagon #3

So....  we meet again.

Menu

Breakfast: access bar

Snack: banana

Lunch: Salmon baked + steamed asparagus
Snack: Broccoli steamed + little bit o' feta

Dinner: Protein bar + pear + orange

Snack: cottage cheese (1 cup)

Workout

6 rounds: my time -15:28

10 - squat jumps forward/back. 

10 - Deep curtsies (right)

10 - Deep curtsies (left)

10 - Competition sit ups 

10 - Side plank leg lifts (right)

10 - Side plank leg lifts (left)

My shoulder is still pinchy... So more ibuprofen today and some massage. 

Next week is spring break, so I won't be working as much. Trainer and I are still meeting 3x that week. But I won't have aquacise... we are going to be doing some MEAN workouts. I'm stoked.

Diet - I'm totally addicted to cheese. So after the next E2E update I'm going to do a dairy free week and see if I can quiet the cravings and eat it in moderation like a normal person afterward.

Also, I'm trying to eat more on work out days (mainly protein) so I can build muscle - I'm totally not afraid of "bulking up" as far as muscle is concerned. But the eating more on workout days is tough... usually I have to convince myself to eat something for lunch and by late night my appetite returns. Which is probably a good thing... the not being super hungry, I hope that it's my body feasting on the massive amounts of fat storage I've created for it. 

I post these menus for the day and partially stick to them. I am making a commitment to STICK TO THE MENU today. 

Yesterday I said this...                                                        I DID this... 

Menu                                                                                  Menu

Breakfast: access bar, banana                                             Breakfast: access bar, banana

Snack: 3 eggs w/mozz + salsa                                             Snack: 3 eggs w/mozz + salsa

Lunch: Steamed broccoli and a tomato                                   Lunch: Steak

Snack: Tuna salad + pear + orange.                                      Snack: Orange, tomato, pear, peanut butter

Dinner: Steak. mmm.                                                        Dinner: protein bar

Pre-bed Snack: peanut butter and apple slices.                           Pre-bed: cottage cheese 1.5 cup. 

So it wasn't terribly off goal... or terrible as far as calories go, but I think it's so silly that I can make a menu for ONE DAY and still veer from it. I want to get back to consistent Nanette... the one where she bakes chicken breasts and has them ready for the entire week and knows that's dinner every day. As you can see I'm pretty good until Lunch. It's more a control thing than a health thing. I want to be able to control my eating and say "NO. That's not what you'd planned today." and listen to myself. 

Big Fat Stick to the Menu Love, 

Nanette 

Back On The Wagon #2

I'm titling the rest of the week "back on the wagon" to remind myself of the commitment it's going to take. I just maintained last week. But with fewer work outs and carb indulgences, I'm feeling like I'm mentally 20lbs heavier.

Menu

Breakfast: access bar, banana

Snack: 3 eggs w/mozz + salsa

Lunch: Steamed broccoli and a tomato

Snack: Tuna salad + pear + orange. 

Dinner: Steak. mmm. 

Pre-bed Snack: peanut butter and apple slices. 

Work out

50 min swim class (arms). 

10 min round of 

     - 10 pushups

     - 25 crab cross over toe touches. 

     - 15 pulse squats (3 pulses and then go down all the way). 

     - 20 squat jumping jacks. 

Made it through 3x in 10 min. 

50sec on/ 10 sec off; 3 rounds. (12 min). 

     - plank. 

     - bicep curls (10lb weights). 

     - Triceps (10lb weights). 

     - love handle bends (25lb kettlebell). 

Best part! We did it all barefoot. It helped with my squats so much... I was able to put my weight on my heels and keep my toes free (the key to avoiding knee injury). 

My right shoulder is giving me some pinching pain today so I modified some of the work outs... Like pushups. I did those from the knees until I just couldn't anymore and then held plank until Trainer finished her set. 

I'm happy to be moving again. It feels good despite the shoulder. I'm going to take some ibuprofen and ice it a little. I probably pushed too hard today. We may be skipping push ups this week. Plank was good though, I can keep doing that. Gotta tighten up this belly of mine. 

Also, seeing a smaller number on the scale today. 314! :) 

Big Fat MOVE IT Love, 

Nanette

Giddy up!

Okay... so here's me getting back on the horse. This week might contain some boring posts as I get my rear in gear.

Menu
Breakfast - 3 eggs, salsa, onion + steamed asparagus.
Snack - missed it.
Lunch - Tuna salad (no bread!)
Snack - Orange, tomato, steamed broccoli, protein bar
Dinner - Baked salmon+olive oil mayo+almond slivers.
Snack - tea + fruit.

Work out
50 competition sit ups.
25 pushups
25 deep squats
25 push ups
25 deep squats
50 competition sit ups.

1 min plank*

I'm getting my better attitude back at the music job... which is very good. Gotta keep that in check or it's too easy to slip back into the negative whirlwind of the my feelings about the music dept.

Trying to focus on things going well. Trying to focus on things that need to be done in order to move. Trying to keep one step ahead of the changes. But not stressing out... just doing the normal day-to-day tasks.

Big Fat Giddy Up Love,
Nanette

My relationship with food (novella).

I was reading Mir's blog today... she'd talked about the psychological issues between dieters and lasting success. You know, the whole re-evaluate your relationship with food thing.

I am lucky. I am young. Granted, I'm also the fattest person in the E2E challenge. So I'm not sure if that says my "issues" with food are more terrible or aggressive.. etc. But I still consider myself lucky to be attacking these habits before they'd become more engrained.

A lot of where we come from, or how we approach food starts in youth. Mom is a closet eater. Dad was morbidly obese. I have three older brothers who didn't pitfall into obsessive eating patterns. I didn't start packing on the pounds until I was in 5th grade and bodily changes started happening - of course. I started to feel bad for myself, particularly about always being the slow one at tag during recess and I compensated with books, knowledge and a quick tongue.

I earned my own money at a very young age by working for my dad. I would buy my own sweets and mom and dad couldn't regulate that. It was MY money. I always bought in excess and I was usually active enough that I didn't see the results until I stopped growing (vertically). Little Debbies, candy bars, string cheese. I loved to eat them one by one, layer by layer, while reading Rohl Dahl's books about poor unfortunate children overcoming evil parents and victimizing situations.

My brothers would sort of do the same thing. Joe had a padlock on his giant box of goldfish crackers and David had his power bars and Lincoln had Subway. So I guess our backgrounds were more similar than I'd thought. In a way we all struggled with addiction... except for maybe David. Lincoln was a meth addict, Joseph was always neck deep in something REALLY NERDY. Mine was food.

Food was how dad and I bonded. Food was how I made myself feel better. Food was how I distanced myself. Food was how I rewarded myself. Food was my secret indulgence. Food was also DELICIOUS. Food played a lot of roles in my life while growing up.

I really started fattening up when I gave up swimming. I used to spend entire summers in the pool, until I discovered I was a total freak and had a zit on my shoulder and then gave up the swim suit for 8 years.  I gained most of my weight in 8 years. It's incredible to put a number to how long it took me to gain 150+lbs.

During that 8 years our family went through Lincoln dealing with some severe drug problems. Which in turn, became family problems... emotional problems... escapism problems. We went through some family counseling. I only went to two or three sessions and the therapist told me that for having such tumultuous relationships around me and feelings inside, I seemed pretty well adjusted and then he concentrated on Lincoln.

Well-adjusted = being able to step back from a situation to protect myself from experiencing difficult emotions. I had a lot of depressive thoughts and terrible self-esteem. I used food to help create distance. I hid under a fat blanket. My body literally became a barrier between me and the crap in the family, community and school.

Then I escaped to college and the weight gain stopped for about a year. Then started again when school go tough. My instructors got personal and my peers were even more difficult to deal with... Then we start having issues with religion. I nearly quit my degree and then went into counseling.

In counseling we talked about the music department mainly and how I felt trapped and I needed to graduate. Ultimately the conclusion was that I needed to accept accountability for life and decisions. Life is not something that just happens to someone. We are not powerless to control our direction and "destiny."

The counselor tried to talk to me about weight and I went from weepy to fire breathing dragon in mere seconds. I wasn't ready to tame that issue yet. But I'm sure it was apparent that I was fighting my stress with food and inactivity and unhealthy choices. I'm sure that a lot of my stress, anger and feelings of being overwhelmed could have used some good cardio instead of tears.

However, having reached one giant understanding of my unhappiness (that accountability thing) and the end of the semester, I quit counseling. I did two more years of school without murdering my peers or professors. I got more involved in student government. I had some leadership positions. Because if I was going to complain about how things were run, I was going to try and help shape things or understand the system better. I stressed. I ate. I got angry... for two years. Then I finished my senior recital. Gave up my leadership positions. Started working out. Started eating better. Started working 40 hour weeks.

And that's where I am now. I am in control of my life... I am responsible for the decisions I make. PARTICULARLY concerning my body. Food is a my coping mechanism. It's where I turn when I'm angry, stressed, happy, sad, lonely. That's what I'm up against - emotions, really. When I experience emotion, I eat.

Now, I'm much better at keeping my emotions in check and level than I was before. So the temptations happen less. But not experiencing the extremes of my personal emotional roller coaster sometimes doesn't feel like really living. I'm not medicated. I don't think I need to be. I'm pretty good at being my own anti-depressant and sometimes I just need to experience my depression so I can get past it.

Not all of my days are good ones. But that's typical and healthy. Not all of my days are bad ones either.

I've been arguing with myself this week... I'm sad the artistic/angsty part of myself has almost disappeared. It provided me with a lot of good inspiration for art, music, writing... but I can definitely say that I am happier now than I've been since 5th grade.

Sometimes work sucks. Sometimes friends suck. Sometimes the negative blog comments suck. But I can let it go. Maybe not immediately. But I can feel my feelings and release them... instead of shoving them in my mouth (along with calories) and hoping that I can poop them out. heh! This is something to work on for life... and here I am, trying to accept that early before I become even more stuck in my own ways.


Big Fat Where I Come From Love,
Nanette

Ps. If you made it through all that, you get six points. Redeemable for awesome.

For Maren - Fattitude.

I'm taking Maren up on her suggestion to write a blog about self-worth and fat. 

She wrote a post about finding the body love while still being fat and wrote it quite well...   Also Myra's response post got me thinking. 

"Joy in the Journey" is a phrase I've heard a thousand times over growing up...   and then in the music world, they tell you that the practicing has to be just as satisfying as the performance. So here we are... Fat. In transition. Can we find the happiness in that? Sure thing! 

I don't believe that being happy, while fat, means that you're not going to change or that you've become contented and complacent with your size. I can love my body and still work on it. As Maren said, we are more than our fat. We are complex people with varying interests and challenges. 

If we have to be sad because we're fat, then I could logically conclude that being thin is happiness and that's just not true. The baggage (emotional) that we carry along with our fat baggage needs just as much work and processing in order to be happy people. 

I've said it a few times... My dad lost his weight too late. He can't really enjoy the benefits of being thin. He still hurts. He's lost a lot of muscle. He's replaced so many body parts. His health is STILL affected by his years spent above 500lbs. I suspect that he thought he'd be happy when he lost weight... and it became this magical place in his mind "lost weight" or "skinny" or "thin." A place where there is limitless energy and recaptured youth and rainbows and puppies and the occasional slice of pizza. 

Well... he's lost weight. He's thin. He's spend the last 2 years in and out of hospitals, bed-ridden. He's still struggling to be a happy person. He's struggling to enjoy life. He still has a short temper. He still says mean things. He still has money problems. He still gets frustrated when he can't do things or when he needs help. He still likes to spend the majority of his time in front of a computer or a television. He doesn't go outside much or get very physical. He lost weight. But he isn't happy... He's still on that journey.

I believed that if Dad were thin, things would get better. I really did believe he would be happier, more kind, more patient. Now I know better. Thin doesn't mean any of that. Thin means carrying around a lot less physical weight - which has a plethora of positive benefits, if you can take advantage of them. 

Don't get me wrong... I love my dad through and through. He's a tough nut, but when you get past the shell, he's all softness. I'm a complete daddy's girl - which makes it harder to watch his health decline and see him turn into a confined ornery old cuss. 

My family in 2005? I was still in high school. In this pic, my dad had already lost about 100-150lbs. And the tall guy in the back... yeah... he's not standing on anything, he's just 6'7"

Achieving a certain weight does not mean you'll be happy and that problems will be solved. Happiness is based entirely on how you choose to view your life. 

I wrote this as a response to Myra's blog.. 

One must enjoy the practice as well as the performance or one will spend the majority of the time miserable. Eating right and exercising can be challenging AND fun... not just something to endure until we're thin - because if we haven't learned to be happy by then, the problem isn't weight, but attitude.

And I think that's the most succinct way I could say it.

Big Fat and Happy Love,
Nanette

Where we come from...

I was reading April's Blog this morning... She was talking a little bit about her weight loss progress. And what mental state she was in to get to her highest weight...

There have been so many times over the course of my life that I told myself, "I'll never be as big as her," or "I'll never get over 250lbs, 300lbs, 350lbs." But I never did anything to avoid reaching those weights, those milestones. It was temporary motivation to slow down my eating but never changed my relationship with my food. In a way I was distracted, always too busy... never felt an urgency to change. I had a lot of people try to wake me up, particularly since my whole life has been performance oriented. Those temporary motivations flew out the window when a pizza was in the room, or a candy bar.

I don't think of myself as disabled or fat. I have fat. Fat is a part of me, but I am not fat. I am Nanette. In a way, it's been a good thing. I'm hoping that as the scale goes down and I get healthier I will still be Nanette. I don't want to be thin. I want to be Nanette. On the other hand, it's a bad thing. It's allowed me to entirely dissociate from my body. It helped me ignore the things I couldn't do anymore. I haven't always been okay with being fat. But I wasn't ready to be proactive about it when I was younger... it wasn't something I was interested in. I didn't have the resources. It just wasn't time for it. If I would have started younger, I'm quite positive I would have failed and then continued with a yo-yo dieting mentality.

It also helped that I had the mentality of "dad will always be fatter than me." I love my dad. No matter what size (actually, I liked him more when he was fat. He was less of a curmudgeon.). Not once did I feel like he loved me less because he couldn't play on the floor or chase me around. Dad had a series of health problems. He lost weight. He got down to around my weight... and then I started getting nervous. Dad continued to lose...   At 67 years old, he's now around 240 and if he had his excess skin removed he would be around 200. Watching dad lose weight and get healthier was inspiring, sure. He did it too late though. His skin won't retract. His diabetes is in full swing. He still has muscular problems related to being dormant for so long.

Last fall (2010) dad injured his foot at work. It wouldn't heal. He described going to sleep the day before thanksgiving... he felt his heart slow down... and he started going cold all over. He couldn't move his body. He couldn't shout for help. (mom sleeps upstairs). The next morning, he told mom about it and she took him to the emergency room. His blood sugar was over 400. His foot was severely infected and was not healing due to poor circulation/diabetes. He wound up in the hospital for over a month with staph infection. Antibiotics were pumped directly into his heart.   ALL OF THIS WAS OVER A SMALL CUT ON THE BOTTOM OF HIS FOOT!

He was put on non-weight bearing limitations. This thanksgiving (2011), he hadn't walked in over a year, still waiting for this small cut to heal. He wound up in the emergency room again. He couldn't feel his other leg. Back problems. Blown discs cemented. Still numbness and an inability to move his left leg. pinched nerve. back surgery. bone shave. pins. rods. scars. He's in a nursing home getting physical therapy to help him recover from the back surgery. He's been there since thanksgiving.

All of this could have been prevented with earlier weight loss. All of this, in addition to finishing my degree and needing the next project and the next step to working and living.... it's finally the right time. Dad has had elbows replaced, multiple back surgeries, both knees replaced, cartilage problems. But for some reason... the physical issues that continued after he lost the weight is more effective in inspiring me to get myself moving. Get myself in gear. Prevent that kind of life. Increase the quality of my own.

I'd love to say it was my own idea. I had switched to a new voice teacher over the summer. Like every new voice teacher, she addressed my weight. "This doesn't need to count against you. At auditions people will dismiss you purely on size." FINALLY a teacher that talks truth. "When you come back, I want you to tell me how your practicing went and I want you to tell me what you've done this week to lose weight. It's not to intimidate you, or make you feel bad. It's to hold you accountable." I tried stuff for a couple weeks. I would increase activity, or eat more veggies... but not really keeping tally or a record of progress.

My cousin, Amber, told me about Mir's blogging CDC challenge. I joined up not knowing what I was getting myself into... but making a commitment to myself. Since then I've been researching. I've been tracking. I've been learning about nutrition and exercise. I read an article about motivation... motivation happens in 4 stages...

- the initial spark.
- mentally preparing yourself... thinking yourself through.
- sustained commitment.
- habit/self renewing motivation (the feel good of doing well that inspires you to keep going).

I'm the fattest person in our little E2E challenge. I also have the advantage of being the youngest person in this challenge. I know I can do this. I work out 3x a week or more. I struggle to keep my diet in line. But I DO. If I can haul my fat ass off of the couch or out of bed and go jogging, you can too. I can do high impact aerobics without hurting myself. I can modify. I can bear all 320 of my pounds. Bones get stronger with weight bearing exercise. Be smart. But if you don't push yourself, you don't grow.

If you get used to moving your body and working out at your current weight, it will only get EASIER as that number goes down... and believe me, it will.

Big Fat Fattest Challenger Love,
Nanette

And I Thought Yesterday Was Death...

Today got even more rough with the trainer. I'm so glad we're only working out 3x a week together; Tues, Wed, Fri. Tomorrow is going to be a rest day for sure.

The first work out today was 20 minutes long. 50 seconds per exercise. 10 second break (aka, pull yourself off the ground and back to standing). Lots of things like burpees, pushups, side planks, bike crunches, v-crunches, side plank crunches, squat-jacks, squats and much of it had to be modified for me as a beginner.  I can't wait to do a decent burpee (standing to push up position and jump back to standing). We finished that work out and then did another core-centric set, 50 crunches of each type. And a 5 minute treadmill cool down and stretching. I feel good-ish? I can definitely feel every muscle in my shoulders and legs right now. I know they exist. I know they are powerful.

Mir commented yesterday that she was barely able to drive home after her thirty minutes with a trainer. I completely understand. I skipped one of my jobs today/worked from home. I just didn't have it in me to walk the half mile there. I wound up sitting in a hot bath for an hour (drinking water - bottled, not bath). It took an hour before I could coax myself out of there. Tell ya what, it's time for potassium rich foods and protein.

I can't wait for this to get easier. That's for sure. It's great for my diet. I'm too sore to even want to bend over to put stuff in the oven. So raw fruits and veg it is!

Also...   I'm signing up for a 5k in April. I may not run it. But I'm committing to myself that I will at least run/walk it. Since Trainer days are Tues, Wed, Fri, I need 2 more work outs. So why not throw in some run/walking on Sunday and Monday?! If anything it will keep me from seizing up entirely before the next round with Sarah.

I'm behind on photos. My camera died. Gotta find the charger. :) Let's be realistic. Gotta be able to bend and fold in order to look under stuff to find the charger.

Big Fat SORE Love,
Nanette

dunn da-da dunnnn!!!

Writing to you from the fixed laptop!

I weighed in again today. Thursday is usually my CDCC check in number. Again, with the 329.

I got a couple compliments from people in class today saying that I'm looking good. But I'm not feeling anything fitting differently. Motivation is a real kicker right now. I've been so mad at this 329... I've tried eating lots to see if it will move... it doesn't even GO UP. It just sits at 329.

In assessing what's been different in the last 3-4 weeks. It's cold. I'm stressed (finals approach). I'm solidly in a routine of 1900 calories a day, 5-7 workouts a week. I eat warm food. I want to sleep all the time.

New goals. Since the old ones don't seem to be working. 
- More FRESH veggies/fiber.
- More water.
- Change the non-class workout from bike to elliptical. Change the weights from upperbody to lower. Change the swimming from laps to strength training.
- Build more fat burning muscle so even if that damn number isn't going to go down, my body will be reshaping.

Indecision

When faced with a choice in the moment, I'm the kind of person who finds the quickest, easiest route. I know I have to make decisions for myself before hand in order to like what I'm doing and to make hard things easier. Like I commit to 7 work outs a week. I commit to 1900 calories a day.

1900 calories can be a lot of garbage. 1900 calories can be a LOT of veggies. 1900 calories can sometimes not feel like enough.

Halloween came and went just fine. The birthday was much harder. This last weekend, EVERYONE wanted to take me out for dinner/lunch/FOOD. Not because they see piggy fat Nanette and think she only likes food, but because food is associated so closely with socializing and good conversations. Think about it. When else are you sitting directly across from someone for an hour with nothing else to distract you (phone, TV, computer)? I did pretty well to avoid the crap traps like fried foods. However, I'm still feeling a little guilt about not knowing how half the stuff is prepared and definitely eating more than just a single portion in a sitting.

Things like this just make daily eating harder. It makes it easy to get out of the habit of cooking meals, doing dishes, remembering to shop, not letting the produce in your fridge go to rot. It changes the cravings. It's a literal board game and when you draw the "give in" card you must go back 3 spaces. 3 spaces away from the healthy haven... back to the craving caves.

I had a good conversation with my friend Holly last week sometime though. When we spend time together she sometimes feels bad about herself. She's overweight. She sees that I'm doing something. She wants to do stuff to lose and feel good too. She said she feels short motivation, but nothing lasting. I invited her to go to my gym, she's alumni, she can get a university pass. She's paying for a gym elsewhere already though. We discussed it for a while and she didn't commit to a time or date. Her brother recently lost 100lbs last year.

"Formerly fat people have a different view of fun." Says Holly.
"What do you mean? Like they have less? Or they're living life with new enthusiasm?"
"No... It's just, they turn out more intense."
"Intense about what? Intense emotionally? Physically?"
"They get less nice."
"Have I gotten less nice?"
"No, but you've always been kinda sassy."
"Oh God, maybe that means I'll turn into a super bitch."

Then we laughed about it. But I know this is a serious concern. It's something I thought for a very long time. I've watched a lot of my friends lose weight. They talk about food and guilt and exercise and healthy alternatives ALL THE TIME. They're hungry and the tempers are shorter. They get more aggressive in social and romantic situations. Eventually they become skinny people and lose some of what made them THEM.

I say "they" because I'm trying to fight being one. One of my big fears that surfaced over some of these fat years is that I'm afraid to become meaner, or less funny, or less nice. I'd love to say it's unfounded. But it's not. Dad did it. Trent did it. Chris did it. Mandi did it. Crystal did it. etc etc. Body chemistry changes. How you feel about yourself and your body changes. BEHAVIORS change.

I'm starting to understand from the other end though. I talk about food and guilt and exercise all the time because I HAVE TO. It is in the forefront of my mind. I concentrate on it constantly because I HAVE TO in order to reach my goal. I hope to be on a road to making healthy choices a habit. But until that happens I have to obsess.

I see my temper fuse shorten. EVEN SHORTER THAN IT ALREADY IS. I've taken to just disappearing into my classes, school work, visual journaling... because I know I need time for my body to adjust to the new levels of food and activity. I also need time to remaster my ability to keep myself under control.

I've been more aggressive in social situations. I don't think it's been out of character though. It's my 7th year of school and I am grumpy about that as well as chemical and weight shifting.

I've been more aggressive in romantic situations...   and that's NOT bad. ;)

The definition of fun is changing for me. Dancing is fun. Moving is fun. Going on a walk/bike ride is fun. Eating is still fun, but there's more to life than sitting. There are more ways to share our time than sitting and consuming. 

Maybe I can help Holly see it. Maybe I can put this into words. Maybe it will take time for her to reach her own conclusions about health. I can't make decisions for her. It's just hard to see her want something and not be able to provide, give, or buy it for her.

I'm certainly no Muhammad of weight loss. It's coming off and staying off (If I have any say about it). It would be really nice to help another person along with their goal though. I've had so much help with my own. She deserves that too.

Big Fat Friendly Love,
Nanette

Follower...

There's a theme today. It's trigger food and taking "breaks." I am severely regretting not counting calories this weekend. With the new boy saying "stay fat," I've enlisted another friend in the fat fight. Brittany is my cohort in dining. We go out and try to help each other get healthy items. We know that we're watching what one another eats. Last night we made pact to not spend any money on going out for the week. ENTIRE WEEK. Wednesday to Wednesday. We will only cook.

Eating out kills me. I know I will only have good food in my house because it's been shit proofed. There's no sugar, no white flour, no ingredients I can't pronounce...   (at least, now that I've figured out how to say quinoa {keen-wa}). I sat down with my notebook and roughly planned out the week's food, and roughly planned out the groceries.

J texted today and told me he was out for lunch at a burger joint we'd visited. I was eating apple slices with peanut butter and yellow squash. It was a great realization... He's enjoying his food. I would be enjoying that too. However, I'm really enjoying what I have in front of me as well... AND I'm getting nutrition. Because, while this whole thing is about a smaller number on the scale, it's about health. NUTRITION.

I'm trying to understand how to remotivate myself. Because after giving in, I'm feeling like I have to start over. I know I can do it... I need to get my brain and body wanting the same things again though. NUTRITION may be the key this time. Dear other diet friend, Trent, is always asking "how much of the rainbow did you eat today?" I love that he's so supportive and helpful that way. Today I got the yellows, greens, reds and a LITTLE bit of purple/blue. Tomorrow I look forward to seeing what other colors I can eat.

Re-focused, re-centered, ready to eat a rainbow.

Big Fat Love,
Nanette

As I may have been unclear...

Miss April asked some very good questions on my check in blog. I guess my goals have been very broad - I'm a firm believer in brevity as details are usually less than riveting.

Goal 1: Cook at least once a day and DO THE FREAKING DISHES. 
This is my effort to reduce eating out. I don't particularly care for cooking but if I can find quick HEALTHY recipes, I'm more inclined to keep my food money spent at home and my calories more accountable.

Goal 2: Do a Vegan Day.
The vegan day is just a break from cooking and cleaning up after it. Plus it is one more day that I'm not ingesting animal products. I like to try and make it a weekend day since I'm most prone to over-eating on Saturdays and Sundays. I also use it as a reminder of how many cooked and processed items I still eat. Since my juice fast, I realize that I can say no to food entirely. I don't need food I need nutrients and a vegan day is just a little flexing of that willpower muscle... I choose not to do long stints because it leads to binging. I choose to be consistently good about diet and food intake. Sometimes it's nice to mix it up with a brief and healthy "challenge."

I don't do it to clean up my diet. My diet is pretty good.
- No alcohol since may.
- No soda for about 1 year now.
- No white sugars, corn syrup (hydrogenated or not) or sugar substitutes since August.
- No white breads/enriched flour since August.

I'm slowly weaning things I shouldn't consume out of my diet. Next is a lot of my meat products that can be replaced by tofu, tempeh and other vegan/vegetarian alternatives. I'm finding foods that I love that are healthy. I'm replacing a cheeseburger with a serving of cottage cheese. I'm replacing chips with cucumber slices. I'm replacing snickers with clif Z-bars. I'm making menus so I don't have to make decisions on the fly and so I can make educated and well planned trips to the grocery store. (each trip = an opportunity to buy crappy food).

Goal 3: Bedtime at 12:00a.m. 
A stressed body is one that's more resistant to give up pounds. I usually work until 10pm every night and I'm up by 7:00 - 7:30 every day to get to classes or the gym on time. Again this is a bedtime happening in increments. With school starting I've been up progressively later and later in efforts to get every thing done (homework, socializing, cleaning my studio). I've found myself going to bed at 12 and not being able to drift off until 1. - dang this exercising thing giving me so much energy! heh.


Goal 4: Stay on top of piles and piles of homework.
I'm taking some pretty time intensive classes, Voice Pedagogy, Form and Analysis (symphonic scores), Diction for Singers, Creative Writing, Dance Basics and Aquacise. And working 40 hours a week between my 3 jobs. I'm trying to find the time to make sure that everything is taken care of. Again, it's about reducing stress and trying to stay happy and motivated to keep moving.  When I get overwhelmed and behind, I take it out on myself in food and work out cancellations. I will not give myself those excuses. I will keep my crap together. I've done well so far with this... but I can feel that stress creeping up on me and I'm trying to stay ahead of the curve.


Goal 5: Get 7 hours of Gym Time in.
Exercise is structured in that I have 4 hours of work out classes in my academic schedule and 2 hours with a trainer/friend. It looks like this...

Monday - 45 min cardio; 15 min strength training
Tuesday - 60 min swimming/high activity cardio; 15 min stretching, 20 min pilates/yoga, 20 min tap/ballet/jazz/modern.
Wednesday - {free} Just walking to class and work approximately 1 hour/2-3 miles a day. I don't count it as exercise because it's part of my normal daily activity.
Thursday - 60 min swimming/high activity cardio; 15 min stretching, 40 min floor routines
Friday - 45 min cardio; 30 min strength training.

Total:  6 hours

It just means I have to find one more hour by myself somewhere in the middle (usually saturday mornings or Sunday nights). This is motivated by the fact I'm not in choirs this semester. With that stress being gone, I'm choosing to put as much time in the gym per week as I did between my two choir classes. I've spent 6 years obsessing about my music and letting my body go by the wayside. This year I put my body first.

A one pound loss... is still a loss. I would rather lose small amounts every week than go crashing down 5 or more lbs a week only to gain it back when my body revolts. It's also a Pre-period week. I'm surprised I've lost anything with the water I've been retaining. I can see it in my ankles and in my hands.

Plus really, I don't think this is about how fast can I drop the weight. It's about retraining myself to accept a healthier lifestyle. The numbers are motivating. But I refuse to let them be anything else. I would rather find myself craving vegetables and wanting a long walk than see a -3lb mark on the scale. It's about how I feel. My body feels great. My feet hold out longer when standing and walking. My back doesn't give me problems much anymore. I'm finding more "core" strength. My energy levels are high. I don't know how I would be surviving this semester if it weren't for the additional energy and focus.

I'm feeling pretty good about things. I'm exhausted from stress. I know I should be doing better scholastically and that seriously puts a damper on my mood and motiviation for the week. But I'm trying to keep that snarky, bitchy part of myself quiet - the part that walks out of classes when teachers are egotistical and infuriating. I'm finding myself very short tempered these days. But I guess that's the symptom of a body in transition.

Down 32lbs since July and counting.
Big fat love,
Nanette