Phentermine 2

Documenting my use of Phentermine...

The first two days I used it, I was flush. Very hot. Very energetic. Very motivated to just do whatever task at hand instead of procrastinate (which is my norm).

The first week I had problems sleeping. I was tossing and turning. I was having weird nightmares.

I didn't feel jittery or amp'd up. I just felt energized... like I was 40lbs ago.

It did incredible things for my focus at work. I would start a project and just work and work without mental fatigue. I was not clock watching, I was not even tempted to check my email, phone, screw around. I just wanted to dig through the task at hand.

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I am on the 3rd week now. I forgot to take it for two days. I didn't experience any nasty backlash. I was just really tired. I didn't experience intense cravings. I feel less dire about the need to have dinner RIGHT NOW when I get home from work.

It hasn't done much to tame the hunger beast, I don't think. Which means I am probably fighting more of a mental battle than a physical one. I have lost a little bit of weight... But I am skeptical if it was the medication at all. I went from 345 - 341 (at my lowest) - but I am still floating around 342/343lbs. So, not a huge difference there.

However, "successful if paired with proper diet and exercise." I haven't really restricted myself much other than the fact I'm working most of the day which doesn't lead to much eating time. And I haven't been getting much more activity in because well, mostly because I haven't wanted to and partially because I have been working 12 hour days (training for the new position).

But things are looking up! I am working only one job starting next week. Only 5 days/40 hours a week! I will be doing the normal 8 - 5pm work grind and I will be a much happier camper.

I have been having some intense mood fluctuations, but those were happening before I even started taking the medication. That has much more to do with hormones and depression, methinks, than the phentermine. I actually think it may even be HELPING. I'm down to desperate crying once per week instead of 4 out of 7 like I was near the beginning of October (first week before I was on phentermine). It has also contributed to a lowering of my body temperature. I'm no longer experiencing any overheating symptoms like when I first took it. If anything, my fingers are FREEEZING. All of the time. All of it.

I slightly suspect that it may actually be slowing down my weight loss. ***POOP TALK ALERT!*** I have gone as many as 4 days without pooping and when I do, it's the consistency of freaking soft-serve. ***POOP TALK OVER***

Phentermine works by putting the body into the flight or fight sort of mode. Which is a stress reaction. I am curious as to whether the stress it is causing is releasing more cortisol... aka: putting my body into a fat packing mode. What it's meant to do is use fight or flight to reduce hunger - the body reaction is to tap into the stores for energy in a situation like that. But if it is also causing stress or anxiety, would it be logical to conclude that you would also be turning food eaten into storage?

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Conclusion: 10 more pills before I have to refill. I'm not sure if I should refill or if I should stop. Nothing intensely negative has happened but it is a cousin to the amphetamine family and can be both habit forming and stressful on the organs.

I kind of want to try not taking it for a month and comparing my results. Everything I've read says wean yourself off of a med like this. So I am going to taper these last 10 pills... every other day for 3 pills, every 3 days for 3 pills and 1 every 4 days for the remaining 4 pills.

I'm just not sold that aside from the first 4lbs that it helped me shake, if it is doing all that much to help...

Returning to Consistency.

Today's Weight: 342.8lbs 

Okay... so we all know that I've been negative and lame lately. I have been reading some of my fellow bloggers and they have been fighting the exact same fight but with different tactics... 

300lbs down - Holly lost a SIGNIFICANT amount of weight and incurred a SIGNIFICANT regain. She has the most uplifting posts and the best attitude ever. She is exactly where I am right now. Struggling to get back on the horse. Being disappointed and mistrusting yourself despite knowing how to fix the problem. 

WhoAteMyBlog?- Steven was making amazing progress. He lost so much more than I ever have. But he's on the regain due to injury. He is so transparent with us about his struggle with binge eating. In this post he specifically captures the desperation and defeat that I have been feeling. I know he's gonna pull through it. He just will. He can do it. I believe in him. 

I believe in myself. The hope I have for Steven and Holly... I hope for myself too. While I feel like I may not deserve hope. I need to give myself the benefit of the doubt and know that I will make progress. 

Holly has been following a self-made program. She has returned to dieting that worked for her previously and activity in a similar manner as she had before. But in miniature. Making small goals. So small it may seem even silly that they are "goals." It is not silly. It is a great way to gain confidence in your ability to follow through. 

She mentioned mistrusting herself after weight gain. That really resonated with me. When I stop trusting someone, I cut them off. I disappear. Mistrusting myself is exactly what's happening here. It's my defeatism narrowed down to a cause. I have thought of making goals and then dismissed the idea, "I'm not going to reach it anyway." Or, "Who cares? I've messed it up before, too." 

I am in a terribly apathetic and negative thought cycle. It is a battle of the sizes. 

INNER TWIG vs BABY WHALE!!!  

IT: Come on! You have gained so much weight. Let's change it up! 

BW: HA! You make it sound so easy. 

IT: It is. Make a small change. Just say no to cravings. Just say no to being motionless. 

BW: You don't understand how hard it is to be me. I'm too stressed out to take on yet another project. 

IT: COME ON! You don't even have to leave the house when you get home. Just take 15 min and do a little body weight work out. 

BW: But I hurt and I'm tired and Will is here. I want to spend time with him. 

IT: Then just go over there and do some push ups, squats, lunges, SOMETHING. 

BW: I can't do that in front of him. He will tell me I'm doing it wrong and I'll get all gross and sweaty. 

IT: Fine. Enjoy your big fat life. Enjoy your excuses. 

And Inner Twig is down for the count. Rematch? Tomorrow morning. Baby Whale has been getting a lot more practice running things and has become a very difficult opponent. It is time to start helping Inner Twig out... giving her a few easy fights to bolster her confidence. 

Then of course there are the days when neither side are fighting and I just completely forget how fat I am. I can disconnect from myself THAT well. Where, if isolated long enough, I feel completely normal about myself. Which is okay for existing, but how can I forget my goals when my goals manifest themselves SO LARGELY!?!? My body and brain are trying so hard to maintain stasis! 

I've also been reading Nerd Fitness. The Emails are great. The guy who writes the site is hilarious and insightful. He recommended making your weight loss a game. What kind of character do you want to develop? Full on RPG. You get more stamina points with cardio, you get more strength with resistance training. It is all very clever! I love the concept "Level Up."

Of course, out of all the things I'm reading, I'm picking and choosing my favorite parts and trying to come up with a cohesive plan for myself. 

The best work out is one that you'll do says Nerd Fitness... 

Activities I Love: Aquacise, swimming, biking, walking, body weight training, weight lifting. 

Activities I HATE: Running, Anything with the word "jumping." Skiing. Things that I perceive as dangerous. 

Activities I have let go over the years: basketball, track, hiking, jump rope, biking), dancing, gymnastics, yoga, horseback riding.
Activities I have never tried: Any martial arts, Rope training, Formal lap swimming, Any sport that requires upper body strength, skateboarding, 

Identify problem foods. Or go back to what you know worked for you. - Holly. 

Problem foods: Candy, pastas, bread, cheese without moderation, pizza, burgers. Basically carbs and sugar. 

What worked for me: 

• Small meals 6x a day. 
• Precut/bagged veggies ready to go. 
• Pre-cooked chicken breasts + salads for dinner. 
• VERY low caloric intake during the day so I can allow myself the "decadent" and larger amounts at night when I want it the most. 
• PLANNING - Making decisions in advance, to reduce the last minute bad decisions.  

Create small goals. Give yourself challenges that are VERY easily attainable to build up your confidence and trust. - Holly

I have so many things I would like to accomplish right now. They can be broken down into 3 categories. Motion, Consumption and Accountability. 

MOTION - 

Using runkeeper.com I have found a route in my neighborhood that is .5 miles. It's just walking around 4 blocks. Not a big deal. It doesn't have to be fast. It doesn't have to be with a smile on my face. It doesn't have to be at a particular time of day. I am going to do that short walk 5x this week. If I afterwards feel like going further, or doing a different exercise, I just win extra. 

CONSUMPTION - 

I will eat vegetables once a day for 7 days. Write it down. What veggie did you eat? Now Draw it. 

ACCOUNTABILITY - 

I will track both of the previous items in my journal every day and summarize with ONE BLOG EVERY WEEK. The blog doesn't have to be on a certain day. It doesn't have to be a certain length. It just needs to be done. I need to reach out to the community and be a participator - less of a weight loss spectator. 

And lastly... 

Be Kind, Supportive, Authentic and Non-Judgmental Towards Yourself. - Steven. 

Big Fat Love, 

Nanette 

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

I have no idea what the weigh in this morning is. But yesterday it was like... 346.8. Back up the 2 point whatever pounds that I lost.

I am not going to beat myself up over this. I'm maintaining. I'm also working 7 days a week at jobs that keep me on my ass 8 hours a day. I'm combatting this by taking my 15 minute breaks in motion. Walks around the buildings and grounds.

Mister has dropped me off 2 miles from home so I could get some walking in. Worked just great. Depsite my ambition to do it again, I got swamped with end of month billing for the 3rd job that I work after I get home from my 9-5 job Monday - Friday.

I am feeling older than ever. Fatter than ever (even though this is not my heaviest). Weaker than ever.

Thursday I have an EKG. Thursday I find out if I'm a good candidate for those appetite suppressants. Which I'm now fervently in favor of... all this working and stress has me just itching for something to munch on. We'll see if they agree with me.

It also means for the first time in 2 weeks I'm not working a full shift... It's almost like a mini vacation... one where they put stickers on you and afterwards you get to stop by the Dr. office and pick up your prescription for little pills that will help you shed that first 30lbs. PLEASE. I would love to do that while I'm working.

I just need to feel like I'm succeeding at one thing. Just one thing. Please. I feel like I'm cheating, but I need a tiny victory to keep me going. Just the tiniest victory.

This week, I promise to...
- Drink 2 nalgene bottles a day (I've been so good at this).
- Walk home from work 3-4 times.
- Pack lunch the night before to avoid last minute bad decisions.
- Get the EKG.
- Just track calories. Just track them. stop trying to meet or beat a number. Just write down what goes in your mouth. It worked last time. It'll work again.
- Update my blog on Saturday/Sunday when I have time at my really slow job.

Big Fat Love,
Nanette N.

Phentermine

So my lovely Dr. has recommended that I try an appetite suppressant before we go as far as getting lapband. She would like to put me on Phentermine.

I've been reading up on it. Mostly people have a good success rate. Typically 30lbs lost per person. Sometimes it's over 3 months, sometimes it's over 6 months. It seems to taper. So the first month you may lose 15lbs, but the following months you may only lose 5 -10.

I would love to see that 30lbs gone. I'm skeptical of the drug. It may help with some of the hunger feelings. But it probably won't deter emotional eating... or maybe it will?

Side effects are raised blood pressure, headaches, nausea, false sense of well being.

I have a very healthy heart. Kinda low blood pressure. My cholesterols are typically just a touch under, Both HDL and LDL. However, Dr. has recommended I go in for an EKG. Since the Oregon move, I'm uninsured. After playing with the numbers and getting a quote of service. It'll be $230 roughly. It's still going to be cheaper to just pay out of pocket since I would have to pay $130 monthly for insurance and meet a $750 deductible before everything resets in JANUARY in order to see any sort of contribution from the insurance company.

Mister and I are looking at the budget. I can probably go in for the EKG in a couple weeks - money permitting. And we'll start this next phase of weight loss kick off.

I still need to take some unflattering before pictures. That is my favorite thing... to watch body changes and how clothing fits differently, how the body re-postures itself. It's just amazing. Gotta get on this!

BIg Fat Love,
N

24/7 update

So I haven't been logging food for the past week.

I haven't been exercising.

I have been packing a lunch every day and trying to keep it reasonable.

• 2 cups of chili + snacks (veggie sticks and apples).
• Soup with rice + snacks (banana chips and celery w/ peanut butter).
• PB & J + a fig bar.

Dinners have been a little wild. Which I am interpreting as a reaction to my stress.

• Burgerville Salmon Salad (drool) + green bean fries.
• Fishsticks + Salad
• 2 slices of pizza and a pork taco
• Pad thai

Mostly, it's been the snacking that's been killing me this week.

• Dark Chocolate.
• Cottage cheese.
• Slices of cheese.
• Pears.
• Nectarines.
• Coffee (at work) with creamer and sugar.

This morning I weighed in at 344.6... Up 1.6lbs. I can turn that around before the Monday/Tuesday weigh in.

I'm pretty sure that my work stress in conjunction with eating sugar that I haven't allowed myself for weeks... both of those are fueling this binge-like eating. I've asked Will to take over making dinner. I can watch my food choices decline by the end of the day. Not having to make dinner decisions SHOULD help.

This week I commit to...

• 3 nalgene bottles of water a day (96 oz).  
• 3 - 30 minute walks (slow pace, ankle is still having issues).
• Tracking Food.
• Creating a weight lifting routine.

Weigh In

Ta-Da!!!

Weight: 343 (-3lbs) Lowest in MONTHS. 

I was super happy to see that number this morning. It was after I ate breakfast and everything. Not even a post-poop, pre-dressing, pre-eating weigh in!

Life
Overall, things are good still. I wound up getting yet another job and now I'm working 7 days a week for the next 3 months. I anticipate some hardship, but I also anticipate that the structure will help me get into the groove and help me settle in.

To prepare for excessive working I have...
- Purchased pyrex tupperware for meal transport.
- Ironed and paired 10 outfits together.
- Created a calendar to help Mister remember what needs to be done around the house and when.
- Planned 10 days of breakfast/lunches.

My hope is to make every day very simple. Just wake up, put on the clothes, eat and pack the foods, go to work and come home, prep for the next day and enjoy 4 hours with my dearest. Fewer choices. More consistency. Structure.

I even got a Doc visit in today. I got the birth control renewed and she is thinking about putting me on an appetite suppressant before she recommends lap band. She wants me to try Phentermine. I need to schedule (and pay out of pocket for) an ECG/EKG. I don't know how much that will run me, but it may be a deal breaker. I'm not insured anymore since the move.

I've been working with a state agent on getting insurance and it turns out that I'm just going to be paying to pay. Since most plans don't pay out until after the $750 deductible has been met, I would wind up paying for most of these services out of pocket ON TOP of paying the monthly premium. Or I could just limit my use of health services until next year when it can actually be beneficial.

Big Fat Love,
Nanette

Much better day...

Today we went to the car dealership to get Mister's car serviced. We went on a walk/hobble and took in the sunshine. Split and entree at the mexican restaurant. It was a lovely time all the way around.

Then I came home to settle into talking to mean people who won't pay their bills. Everyone was happy! Everyone paid their bills! They were just double checking the itemization. I can handle that. I love it when people are kind and responsible.

It has just been sunny and lovely all the way around.

Food has been okay. I'm too high in carbs and fats. It's the tortillas - which Mister and I agreed, we are not buying them again.

Most of all, I am so happy that I got out and about today. I have felt too cooped up these past few weeks, especially with this ankle. I met with an insurance dude today to help me with the market sign up thing and I may have insurance soon so I can get some x-rays taken and make sure it's not a break. My interwebs research say a bad sprain can take 4-6 weeks to heal. A mild sprain can take up to 2 weeks. It will be 2 weeks this Friday. No reason to panic. It will all be fine. :)

Big Fat Love,
Nanette

Prove it!

I am employed!

Radio Silence

Hey there again.

Been tracking. Also been over-eating by 100 - 300 calories per day. And that is amazingly low for how much stuff is going on with life lately.

I had another emotional crash this week. The job I was holding out so much hope for (they basically told me I had the job), didn't come through. I was SO upset about it. I had made income projections with Mister. We had made three game plans - The new doc + old doc, the new doc + old doc + car dealership, and JUST old doc.

Comparing the plans made it pretty obvious that we are going to burn through savings pretty quick if I didn't get the new doc job. So I felt devastated. Mister is relying on me to help finance both of us. He is doing his thing, but it's the kind of business where we won't see return for about 3 - 4 months and even then, it's just return, It will probably be a year before we start seeing profits. Which KILLS ME.

THURSDAY
The email breaking the bad news came in while we were in the car on the way to go take a drug test for another job. Then insert the panic of will I pass the drug test. Let's just say there was a pretty delicious brownie at my going away party about a month ago that was consumed by me without knowing HOW delicious and magical that brownie was beforehand.

Pee in cup.

On the way home, I cried a little. Expressed my want to eat the entire world to Mister. We went through the cravings food by food. He said "Let's get home and then decide."

I got home and just wanted to collapse, go numb, watch netflix and sleep the rest of the day away just to get away from the disappointment. That's how securely I felt I had that job. And that's how severely I am pressuring myself to get us financially stable/independent.

I gave Mister the power of food choices after I got a good bit of pouting out. I told him he was in charge of food decisions for the rest of the day. He willingly accepted that.

We skipped lunch because I refused to stop applying for jobs long enough to talk to him, let alone eat. I sent out 18 applications - Target, Harbor Freight, Craigslist postings.

Eventually I got an email from the temp agency. They had an interview for me the next morning. It was a ray of light amid the depressing overcast of the day.

Will ordered us a pizza that night. It was the compromise. It was an emotional food, but less calorically damaging than all of the other things I had asked for. I wound up being 300-ish over the daily amount.

FRIDAY
I went to the interview. Rocked it.

When I finished, I had a voicemail from another job application asking me to come in for an interview - Grow Med Spa... A marijuana dispensary? I tried googling it and there was nothing with that name.

I called them back. "ProMed Spa how may I help you?" Ohhh... PRO med spa.. this is sounding more like a doctor's office. That makes sense. I googled it, still nothing. I googled the address... Pearl Med Spa - one of those clinics that specializes in plastic surgery, hair removal and skin treatments.

Awesome.

They booked me for an interview that afternoon. Now let me just break this down for you... I'm a pretty natural girl. I shave my legs when I want to, I wear makeup when the occasion calls for it, I'm not afraid of "fine lines and wrinkles." I don't think that beauty is looking a certain way. Beauty is eminating acceptance and celebration of ones body and self.

So basically, I'm the PERFECT candidate for a cosmetic surgery center. HA.

I went in for the interview. The women behind the desk were 40 year olds with the faces of 30 year olds (you can tell by the hands). I instantly knew I didn't have the job.  I sat in the waiting room, listening to the conversations with patients.

"Of course you're going to need it for your neck and chest now too, I mean, we want them to match your face, right?"

"I see that it's time to do the *insert frenchy word* for the skin around the eyes."

 

The interviewer was Joan Rivers 3 face lifts ago, cheek implants, nose job, I mean, the work was kind of obvious and looks like it's been done more than once.

All I could think was "CONNIE AND CARLA!" One of my favorite movies ever. It is SO campy. They are hiding from a hitman as women dressed as men dressed as women (lady drag queens) and do fun little musical comedy shows. "Ladies, let your face wrinkle, let your skin crinkle. Your lines show that you've lived and if he doesn't love you when your face looks like a map, tell him to HIT THE ROAD!"

 

Girls, You are beautiful. You are a testiment of your life. I advocate nothing besides embracing yourself and doing what makes you feel best. Please don't tell yourself you will finally be beautiful "If only.." You are beautiful NOW. Take a second. Look in a mirror and stay there until your nasty "improvement" thoughts stop and you can accept yourself in whatever state you are already in.

 

Embrace the curves. Embrace the skin. Embrace the hair. Embrace those things that make you different, unconventional.

 

I wish I had my thoughts more put together for that interview... or just walked out. I have a visceral response to the message they send to their clients. It is the opposite of what we are trying to do here.

 

I got another voicemail while I was sitting there with Joan... I got the job at the Chevrolet dealer. No worries about the going away party treat and a slight respite from the pressure of making more money. It is EXTREMELY part-time. 16.5 hours per week at $10 per hour. But it is something.

 

Now I can stop feeling so frenetic and focus more. Start structuring life around the hours I work. Start talking to people and getting that social release.

 

I am getting antsy to have this ankle heal. In the past 2 days I have had the want to just RUN. I wish I could just RUN... like... go for an interval run or something to help me cope with all this build up, release the anxiety. I am feeling weak and old. I am ready to turn that around.

 

This week the goal is to get health insurance and schedule a doctor's visit to get this ankle looked at to make sure it's just a sprain.

 

If you read this far... I'm impressed. You deserve a cookie and a pat on the back. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

 

Big Fat Love,

Nanette

 

 

 

 

Brain Droppings

Hey there.  

There's a lot knocking around the ol' noggin today. I'm hoping to get some of it out.

I hate my job. I work as a billing assistant remotely and have been doing it for approximately 3 weeks. Prior to that I was working as the admin assistant for the dentist that I'm now doing the billing for.

It is absolutely disheartening to have people complain about their bills and try to rework the numbers so that we owe THEM money instead of simply paying for the service they received. I'm working on a case right now that just reading his email has made my blood boil. I am dealing with this kind of shit from people every day. It's not really limited to a time of day though I like to tell myself it's from 2 - 5 Mon - Fri with all the flexibility I could want.

But then I get a call through the google voice number (that I forgot to put on Do Not Disturb) at 5am (I'm on the PST they are EST, so they think it's normal 8:00am). Just to get people BITCHING about their bills. I liked being an admin. I could help people make appointments, welcome them to the office, enjoy the pleasantness of the patients when they are being civil - then contact them when the bill isn't right and they remember I'm a person not just an automaton who wants their money.

Now... I am just dealing with whiners and men who are trying to push me around on the phone. No, sir. You are wrong, you owe us $500. Here is an itemization and the responses from your insurance company. You can pay it, or not. Whatever you choose. But ultimately - yes, you have received the services, please pay for them like a decent human being.

I feel like New York has followed me because of this job. This constant assholery and sense of deserving...   piled on top of not abiding by contracts.

My old landlord is trying to get out of paying the tenants of the last apartment the last month rent and deposit we paid. I paid my rent on time. I was nice to her family who lived beneath us. I kept the house nice and reported any damages... the reports went neglected, but it was no skin off my back. More than half the contract I was staying at the boyfriend's house anyway. I kept my end of the bargain, Can you?

Dr. Dentist kept her end of the bargain... and the patients aren't paying. I have done my best to collect, I've held up my end of the bargain and she hasn't paid me for last month's collections (due on the 2nd as per contract). So hurrah... now she's not paying.

In no way has my faith in humanity been reinforced by my experiences in NY. No offense to the New Yorkers out there. On an individual and non-professional basis, everyone is absolutely lovely. But I can't believe how that city brings out the dick in everyone. I was meaner, less patient, less happy.

I typed up my resignation for the dental billing job. It's just sitting on the desktop of my computer. It gives me enough patience to get through today. This week. Just get that other dentist job out here... just make enough to quit that job.

I may not be making millions but I get to have a clean slate. I may be really stretching from payday to payday. But it is so much easier to work with myself on a budget than these debtors on their accounts.

So... looking forward to the end of the week. I hope to hear great things from the dental office. I hope they sweep me up in their amazing atmosphere and working team environment and nurture me back to optimism.

Big Fat Love,
N

Three Things...

Number One... 

I'm not dead. I am still plugging along but have been a little negligent of blogging. My computer is back and functioning. The hard drive just took a nap and needed a nice little replacement (thank you applecare warrantee). And, still suffering from the stupid berry picking sprain, I have been dormant and going stir crazy. But managed to not eat everything in sight.

Number Two... 

I am still on track... Tracking all food, every day.

Number Three... 

Official Weekly Weigh In

346.0 (-.6)lbs.

Yeah, not even a full pound. But it's not a gain, it's a success, no matter how small. Plus, let's talk about how just counting calories, not even restricting myself, I was able to see a lower number.

This Week's Goals... 

• Hear back from the dentist so I can work for them. 
• Pee in a cup so I can work for the car dealership in case the dentist doesn't call. 
• Take some very unflattering fat before photos 
• Count calories and STAY UNDER 1980 per day. (switch it up, Nanette, log the calories BEFORE you eat them). 
• Heal this damn foot so I can get walking around again. 
• Stay happy with the mister by being more thoughtful 

Big Fat Love, 

Nanette 

Berry Picking and An Injury

Friday 

FOOD: 

1734 calories

WATER: 

Not enough. 

ACTIVITY: 

No walking, but I did get a good bit of berry picking in. During which I tripped in a gopher hole and twisted my ankle. Didn't stop me though... I kept picking for another hour. 

We have something like 9lbs of blueberries and some great bartlett and asian pears. I can't wait to sink my teeth into the heirloom tomatoes. They were also selling local honey which should help with Mister's allergies. 

Afterwards we got home and had ANOTHER HUGE tear, snot and sobbing argument. Followed by a HUGE kiss and make up and both of us trying a different approach to conflict resolution and making sure that the needs expressed are the needs met. 

Then of course the obligatory after argument pizza.

But I had eaten so little as the day was going on that I still came in under calories. Woohoo! Still not healthy. But we're in the right numbers. 

After we got home with the pizza, I sat down to start up netflix on my macbook...  and it's not reading the hard drive. Potentially the computer I still have not completed paying off is dead. 

Then we went out for pie. Nice key lime pie. 

Still under calories. I couldn't freaking believe it. But hey, I understand this is emotional eating and still not healthy, but I'm ready to celebrate staying under the 1980 calorie allotment given by MFP. 

Today... Saturday...  I will double up on the blogs to get back on track (thank you, mister for lending me your laptop). 

It's starting off smart with yogurt and blueberries. And a trip to the apple store...   PLEASE LET THEM BE ABLE TO FIX IT!!! 

Big Fat Love, 

N

Another Argument

So I posted and then rescinded my blog on Wednesday night. For the stats...

Food - 1100 calories.
Activity - null.
Water - 3 nalgene bottles.

Thursday
Food: 2090 calories
Activity - null - worked a full day though!
Water - hit my mark.

I had a pretty rough time. Mister was behaving strangely about my request for groceries. We talked it out, argued really, he is grumpy about money, he is grumpy that since the beginning of our relationship I gained 40lbs (over 2 years) instead of losing it... like I was when we first started seeing each other. It took a while to get him to say what was really bothering him.

So we have got some serious issues revolving around my weight and it's affecting BOTH of our relationships with food.

I would be mad and go on the giant "he should love you the way you are!" rant... but he does love me. That's why it gets him so worked up. He wants me to be healthy. He wants to make different choices for me than the choices I make for myself. It's not that he wants me to be hot or look a certain way... while that would be a great added benefit, what he wants is for me to live longer so we can love each other longer.

He has a hard time putting it into words like that. Limited by his dude-liness his way of expressing himself, it is passive and bossy at the same time. I must get better with my grunt to word translations.

Meanwhile, I am being ridiculously sensitive, reactionary and defensive... indicative of insecurity.  Yes, we all have insecurity. Yes, I'm handling mine poorly. Yes, he too has insecurities related to his body and weight. Yes, you probably do to. Hurrah! Big insecurity club.

We got through the conversation without hating each other. I made it through the working interview. The staff loved me. I loved them. I want the job. I won't know if I have it for another week. Otherwise, I'm going to continue to work with the temp agency to find placement... JUST IN CASE.

Summary 
So... you know... stress.

Money stress.
Relationship stress.
Food stress.

Plan 

Go on a 30 minute walk (this should help manage some stress).
RELAX THIS WEEKEND. Let go of being neurotic about your lack of jobliness.
Keep my calories low and happy.

And just to remind myself that I have not been failing...   I tracked every day since I said I would. I will look at next week and set up another attainable goal... like eating underneath the calorie limit every day, or 30 minute walk every day (that really has got to start happening).

Big Fat Love,
Nanette

Hey horse, I'm on you!

Food: 

1916 calories - 54 calories under the daily goal.

Water: 

SO MUCH WATER! 100 oz+

Activity: 

Erm...  Not so much. 

Summary: 

Much better day today. I just used a little restraint and ate much more normal portions.   Banana for breakfast. Burrito for lunch. Baked halibut, homemade fries, salad and a small slice of pie. 

My interview at the car dealership was great. It's not the most lucrative offer at $9.50 starting for only 15 hours a week as a receptionist. But I kind of like that it's super low responsibility and I only work Saturday and Sunday. Then I could do my remote billing throughout the week and still be able to spend a lot of time with Mister. 

I also followed up with the temp service. They are going to continue to try to find me a temp to hire full time "normal" job (aka: 9-5 M-F). I kind of like that the weekend schedule would give me more time to focus on getting back on track. Time that I never had in New York. 

Tomorrow: 

I will track my calories. 

I will continue to contemplate the job offer at the car dealership. 

I will take a 30 min - 60 min walk. 

I will drink water until my face falls off. 

Big Fat Love, 

Nanette

Day one of the count

Food:
3,125 calories.

Water: 
2 nalgene bottles.

Activity: 
Wandering around with Mister in Lowe's for 2 hours... then returning to Lowe's to exchange the curtains.

Summary... 

I shot myself in the foot with my calorie count first thing in the morning. Had a big bowl of cereal with whole milk (the only kind we have right now) and a banana. Wham! 800 calories. I curbed my snacking for the rest of the day. But didn't do all that well.

I had lunch at burgerville. We were out running errands and I gave absolutely no fight to the burger choices... as a burger has fewer calories than my breakfast did.

Dinner wound up at Shari's... the diner/pie house. Had a sandwich, fries and half a slice of pie.

So ultimately, I made fat choices today. But I didn't overlook or ignore or fudge my calorie count today. That's a big enough step.

Tomorrow... 

I will count calories again... and eat better from the get go.
I will do something active like take a 30 min walk after sunset.
I will rock my job interview.
I will go to that guy's moving sale and find a good piece of furniture.

Big Fat Love,
Nanette

Captain's Log 8/24/14

Food

Breakfast: none - argument with mister instead. 

Lunch: 2 dark chocolate, peanut butter Trader Joe Bon-Bons and a slice of left over pizza from last night. 

Dinner: Chicken over rice w/marinara + a side salad (Spinach, tomato, avocado, dressing and a pinch of cheese). 

After Dinner: 3 more bon-bons. 

I will get back on myfitnesspal in the next couple of days and get a good calorie count going. But I'm not going to let that stop me today. 

Hydration

approximately 50 oz. 

And approximately 2 cups at least of tears and sweat. 

Activity

Walked 2.5 miles in an hour in midday heat. Was escaping the after argument silence. Don't worry, it was waiting for me when I got home. 

Weight 

346.6 lbs. 

Big Fat Emotional Love, 

Nanette 

Breakdown...

Hey there blogosphere... 

My mind is racing and I just need to dump it semi-privately (none of my immediate friends and family have access to this blog).

I have moved away from New York City. It was 2 years of food and fatness. I am up from my low of 289 to 346.6 and still not entirely all the way back up to 368. Thankfully.

My brain is broken, guys. All the things that made me charming and successful before are broken. My positivity. My hope. My consistency. My willpower.

I'm back in a slower city... where I have got nothing but time to figure this shit out. I am working, but only a few hours a day. I am looking for additional work but I'm not going to rush it, or take something not worth my time (aka: below $15 an hour).

I am still with my mister. Which has added an entirely different dimension to my self-perception, awareness and stability.

Things fluctuate in that relationship. We have definitely had our ups and downs. I figure that's normal. But it always seems so extreme... and my relationship with food is part of the problem. Mister is aware I eat my feelings. I have asked him to help. But the approach hasn't been working. It's done the opposite which in turn takes effect on the relationship. Things are hard today.

I don't know that I'm fully aware of my feelings enough to type them into permanence in regards to the relationship aspect of all this. So...  let's compartmentalize for now.

Relationship with Food. 
Food still guides a lot of my thought and behavior patterns. I am still not making the best choices. I have created an entirely new, complex system of justification and avoidance of accountability.

Relationship with Body. 

My poor body. I am barely aware that beneath my shoulders exists. I can see it in my coordination. I can see it in my depth perception. I can feel it in the way I breathe... of course, only when I'm paying attention.  I am in a waivering state of denial about the consequences of my weight re-gain.

I know that I've put weight back on because the clothes don't fit. Because old aches and pains are back and worse. I know that my knees are getting more worn out and it's harder to do things that I want to. I hate saying that there are things that I can't do anymore, but running, is out of the question. So is some of the high intensity interval training. I feel like last time I went that extreme, yes, I saw results, but I damaged and aged my body along the way.

Then on top of that... New York City. The city of hard pavement and subway stairs has also been rough on my ankles, knees and hips as I experienced the city with mouth wide open. Tasting everything new and delicious. Breaking so many of the rules I had previously given myself because "I'm in New York. I need to at least try it." Then opening the pathway back to sugar and carb addiction. Opening back up to binge eating. Day long grazing. Trying to cope with stress by chewing.

What the F*ck Are You Going To DO About It? 

Well... I guess I'm back here, in blogland. Less so for comments and attention. More so for being able to externalize and witness the bullshit I'm feeding myself mentally and hopefully breaking some of the thought patterns that I recognize.

As an external processor in a new city, with only my significant other as my social network, I need a place to put the thoughts together.

Tears, Snot and Sunburn.

It is bizarre... Without voicing my thoughts, my understanding and interpretation of the world around me, it's like I numb myself or go through it without experiencing it. Though on the opposite end of the spectrum, I have lived to create stories before too. So I'm hoping that we can just find a little balance.

I need to pony up to the food I eat daily.
I need to acknowledge my activity level and change it.
I need to weigh in weekly.
I need to hydrate more consistently.
I need to get out of this fat fat fat fat fat depressing sad fat fat fat head space.

Big Fat Love,
Nanette N.