A motivational speech.

Here's what's going on in the life lately...

• Boy wants to be exclusive. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. But I'm REALLY craving some consistency. 
• Work is good. Building a better relationship with the doc and coworkers. (while looking for another job... what!? I need more hours). 
• Budget is tight. Trying to meet $1200 worth of bills with a $1000 income. 
• Roommate... is okay. I think we drive each other nuts. But it'll get better in the new apartment come August... We'll have our own rooms. 
• Food has been better. I'm still doing the famine then binge thing. I haven't had time to run to a freaking grocery store (my work hours are kind of odd).
• Sleep... I haven't had good sleep in over 3 nights now. 
• Water, Rockin' the water. 
• Exercise. Well... I'm walking lots still... moreso than normal. I've decided to stop using the subway stop close to me and use the one not so close to me just so I can get in an extra .5 miles of walking every day. 

I feel like I need to recommit. Like when I was back in Idaho... I could mentally prep myself... lay out the ground work for a plan for however long it would take me, then implement a change. I'm having a hard time controlling my life like that here. It may be that I don't have the monetary freedom to afford everything I want/need to help along the way. It may be the stress. It may be that I don't have any of my own space (I'm sharing a freaking BED, people). It may be that I haven't fully adjusted to my new life yet. Let's face it... as far as NYC living goes, I'm a novice. But i'm trying not to be discouraged. 

I need to mentally prepare. 

- Game plan. (nike fitness app + back to menus)

- Inspiration/Desire. (working on it, gotta rough myself up a little). 

- Measurable goal. (22 weeks or 5 months, aim for -10lbs a month, be happy with -7lbs). 

I need to commit to a date. 

- August 6th (when I will finally have my own room). 

As skeptical of reading a fitness book as I was for Mir's challenges... I'm starting to realize, even if it's procrastinated, it's a little *ding* reminder in my head that This is what i'm doing. So head out to a book store or re-read the one I brought with me. 

Dear Nanette, 

You have 2 weeks to come to terms with the fact that the habits you've started in this city are going to be over. You have 2 weeks to deal with the fact that working out will be your second job. You have 2 weeks to make excuses. You have 2 weeks to be lazy and let your social life rule the roost. You have 2 weeks to make lists about why you are fat, why you hate being fat, why a healthy lifestyle will benefit you and all the things you'd rather do fit and thin. 

In two weeks you will take health and wellness as seriously as if it were your job. You will show up on time to your work outs. You will respect the work out time. No one can contact you or talk you out of it. You will eat what you are supposed to because your body feels better when you do. Your energies are higher and you are a happier person. You will be in a better mental place. You will go to bed at midnight, regardless of who you're with or what you've got planned. 

Big Fat Mentally Preppin' Love, 

Nanette

A Lovely Friday Night...

Yesterday...

I did a little better with the eating. I mean, I had a little left over pizza. But I also ate a salad. Some fruit. Things that resemble health foods! I think I got about 120oz of water in. I've been a thirsty bird. 

I also made it out to the NY Philharmonic free concert in the park. Tchaikovsky, Resphigi and FIREWORKS! They had a big fireworks show afterward. Aside from the musical genius on stage, the fireworks made it the best symphony concert I've been to. 

My seat was terrible. I was on a grassy knoll to the extreme left of the conductor. He was about as tall as my pinky nail. But it was nice to lay in the grass and stare at the leaves and listen to some Romantic Era music with the date. And it was really neat how as soon as they started playing... THOUSANDS of people all shut up. That's power. It was so cool. 

Today... 

I travel into the city to sign my lease! We got the apartment! I'm a REAL New Yorker! So it will be me, Tamara and shasta out in a soon to be gentrified neighborhood, a block away from the L train. Three Idaho girls. Three bedrooms. $575 a month for my room. 

Because of the immediate expense of signing a lease (deposit, first month, last month)... and because our lease starts August 1st and the sublet ends August 31st. I'm subletting my room for the first month. That will knock down my cost a good deal (see: 1/3). Tamara, who's been here for a year + already, is fronting us the deposit and fees so Shasta (who just got a job!) and I can pay her back and we can have an awesome place. 

I need to buy a bed + sheets. 

And hangers. 

And kitchenware. 

But yeah...   I'll get to that eventually. 

Also today, I jumped on the scale and I've lost 2lbs so far this week. Not in the most healthy way, but it's 2 lbs down and that's the right direction! 

Big Fat REAL NEW YORKER Love, 

Nanette

And the effort continues...

Yesterday...   eating every few hours. FAIL. 

It's weird. I'm working in a nutrition office, but don't have time to have good nutrition. Yesterday's food tally. 

Breakfast: cottage cheese w/raisins and almonds. 

Lunch: Truffled coffee beans (5) and few almonds. 

Dinner: mushroom pizza (2 slices) and mozzarella sticks (2) *roommate ordered in. WEAKNESS. 

Eat right... eat right... eat right... 

This weekend I'm going to brain storm snack bags and pre-chop and prebag them for the work week. Because this eating schedule makes me ravenous and is not good for me. 

I'm thinking... 

celery. 

carrots. 

tomato slices.

apples. 

bananas. 

those pre-cut watermelon things. 

more cherries bc those were amazing. 

spinach salads (pre-made and refrigerated). 

Today... I have the day off. I am going to eat a nectarine. Drink a gallon of water. Take a well-deserved nap. Call the realtor and see if they need anything else from me. And maybe go take in a photography exhibit with that boy I like. I could even get a gym session in if exhaustion doesn't win. 

Apparently, the hopefully new place is very close to a nice graveyard. Remember how I liked to go running? I would love to pick it up there again. Best thing about running in the graveyard? I've got the hottest body there... because it's not rotting. 

I might blog more later. Since being at home enables that. OH! Coworker is going to take vacation soon... so instead of 20 hour work weeks, I will have 50-60 hour work weeks for 2 weeks. That will help the finances SO MUCH. 

Big Fat DAY OFF Love, 

Nanette

The Job Update...

I got the phone call today while I was out with Jeff (dear dear friend) in Central Park.

I have a job! I start on Monday. Part-time in a nutritionist's office! I'm going to learn so many things there... mostly office related, but I'm sure I'll pick up some health tips along the way (maybe I can share them). I'm not going to give anymore details about where exactly I work for privacy reasons. But yeah... I'M SO EXCITED!!!

Thanks for all your support, guys. Now that I've finally landed something, I'm sure that structure will come back to my weight loss efforts. Set gym times, packing lunches... creating a new "system."

Also, last night, got a good round in at the gym. 30 min cardio + 45 min weights. I ate too much too close to the workout and nearly vomited on the way home.. gotta give that a little more time.

Another bit of good news! Jeff has offered to do a little basic tailoring of my work clothes for me! So I don't have to buy a whole new wardrobe just some essential pieces.

Big Fat EMPLOYED Love,
Nanette

Two days... and the second interview.

My no spending thing lasted two days. TWO DAYS. Because I left the house without a water bottle. I'm going to keep going and see how minimally I can spend though. Good for budget. Good for body.

I had a call-back interview today for a Nutritionist's office. It would be so great... I want it... But I fear that I kinda screwed things up a little in my interview today. They asked for pet peeves. I told them that poor communication is a huge pet peeve of mine. You know, the kind that leads to the confrontation that goes like...

"why didn't you (insert request)?"
"you didn't tell me that you wanted (insert request)."
and then I get all pissed that someone was IMPLYING instead of actually voicing expectations.

And the other pet peeve is tardiness...

I always run early. I make air tight, fool proof schedules so everyone gets what they want.

I shouldn't have said that. It's a Doc office. Everyone runs late. The doc runs late. He doesn't want to hire a harpie. Granted, I should have told him that I like to learn what people are like and then tailor my time expectations of them.

I just sounded really uptight and that's the last thing I left them with. I should have turned it around into a positive. But I didn't. There's a nugget of "didn't get the job" sitting in the pit of my stomach. It's sitting in a cloud of hope though. I REALLY WANT THIS. I could learn so much about nutrition working there! It would be SO beneficial.

I'm laying here...  wanting to throw a 4 year old tantrum. I know I can do this job. Just hire me. I'm friendly! I'm energetic! I'm organized! And over the moon for post-its! I wanna kick and scream until I get my way (probably an excellent way to burn calories). But it won't get me anywhere.

Sounds like a good time for the gym. Kicking and screaming and taking it out on my body. Getting out this nervous energy, maybe move me away from that crying tantrum feeling... that's coming from the niggling doubt that I blew it.

Big Fat HIRE ME, MISTER Love,
Nanette

RFSC - Final Post.

Weight
Goal: - 18 lbs (295)
Actual: - 9 lbs (304)

Waist
Goal: - 2"(45")
Actual: - 1.5" (45.5")

NSV
Goal: size 24 pants.
Actual: size 24!!!

And... I packed up my life, sold and trashed the rest, lost a job, quit another, was homeless for 4 days, got a sublet in Brooklyn, lined up a couple interviews, said a thousand good-byes to loved ones AND MOVED 2000 MILES FROM HOME!

Great freakin' challenge results if you ask me.

Big Fat Losin' It Love,
Nanette

Homeless...

I'm out of the old apartment. I have wonderful friends that helped me out with that. We got the entire place scrubbed down and my life now fits in two suitcases and a laundry basket. I'm spending the next 4 days downsizing the suitcases and laundry basket so they each weigh about 50lbs. 

I weigh more than all of my possessions. Weird. 

For now, I'm staying with Jessica, a friend, and her husband, two kids and a cat. They have been so kind to open up their home to me. Since I'm not working mornings. I'm trying to do something sneaky and nice for them every day. Today I took out all the garbages and did the dishes. Tomorrow I want to make them a healthy dinner/lunch. Do you guys have any suggestions for something cheap, quick and kid friendly?

My weight has been all over the chart...   In 24 hours I went from 312 to 302. Stress, water and no sleep... that's how it manifests itself. 

I'm weighing in again at 304. So not a terrible amount of damage. My weight and fitness goals are out the window at this point. I know we're going into the last week here... But without a home that is my own and a GIANT transition happening... I've gotta say that weight loss is taking a bit of a backseat... if only for the week. 

Last night I was approached by my reporter friend to do a segment about beginning weight loss for the local tv station here. I told him I would love to talk about it. I guess the story was brought up because this obese gentleman wanted to start losing weight (segment A of the story) and so they're looking for people who have done it, started, or changed their lifestyles (segment B). This includes working out ON CAMERA. Uh... as if the gym weren't intimidating enough... let's break a jiggly sweat on camera. May as well. There's no shame in fitness, no matter what your weight. That films Wednesday. I'm excited because A) I love attention and B) Fitness is something I'm so passionate about. Not thinness. FITNESS. This isn't about weight loss as much as it's about health and health just happens to include weight loss. (she says, preaching to the choir). 

Big Fat Transition Love, 

Nanette Nielson

Ready for this!? - 7 day countdown begins.

So here're the stats.

Weight: between 305-309

Stress: off the charts.

Working: 65 hours this week.

Sleeping: 4-5 hours a night.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I have a couple job opportunities in the new city. So when I land, I have a couple in person interviews all lined up. Restaurant/catering work and an office assistant position for a search firm. I have high hopes and a good feeling about life outside of Idaho. I feel like I can put that aside now. I can put the planning aside.

But while I'm still here...

I have 3 more 2:30 - midnight shifts. (Friday, Tuesday Wednesday).
No more morning work.
So sleep will be improving.

I have 3 more days in my apartment.
To scrub clean, top to bottom.
To eat the food in the fridge or get rid of it.
To pack my suitcases (and do a serious amount of laundry).
To make my last goodwill donations.
To walk around naked.
So the stress is still high.

I'm worried about my motivation and losing my progress because I'm having such a difficult time focusing. So I've told myself. "Nanette, you've done this for months. You know how to make good food decisions. Trust that for now. If you gain a few pounds, you'll lose them again when you relocate and settle."

But I'm trying to determine whether or not that's B.S.... Excuses to get back to "addict" behavior. I'm experiencing a definite lack of peace while the ground underneath my feet shifts and the mental athlete I've trained has gotten flabby. But I feel like, what's the harm in just relaxing for 7 days. (SELF, DO NOT TAKE THAT AS A CHALLENGE TO GAIN AS MUCH WEIGHT AS YOU CAN IN 7 DAYS).

Things I give into will be habits I have to break again. Cravings to fight. Soreness to overcome. But guess what, Nanette... that's life. There's no point in which everything will be perfect.. that eating and working out will be 100% all of the time. What matters is that you keep trying and how you adjust. Being flexible and positive is going to get you through this. Never give up! Never give in!

Menu
B: Zoi
S: Chocolate covered peanuts ( I KNOW, I KNOW).
L: Spinach, tomato, blueberry, goat cheese, balsamic salad.
S: 1 cup cottage cheese.
D: Tuna sandwich, odwalla juice.
S: 1 cup cottage cheese... (if I'm going to eat for comfort right now... may as well be high in protein).

Workout
.5 mile to Job 1.
2.5 mile to Job 2.
2.5 mile from Job 2.

Big Fat Gentle Reminder To Move Forward Love,
Nanette

In which she breaks it down...

I am not sleeping enough, between 4-5 hours a night.
I may have had fries twice this week.

Yesterday I saw my lowest weight, 301 and my highest weight of the week 309. I don't know how that's possible. I doubt the validity of my scale.

I have gone on one 1hr hike.

I have walked about 12 miles getting to and from the new job. That'll be 15 today.

I have done ONE interval run.

My hydration is great on somedays, but I have to be careful... we get scheduled bathroom breaks and I can't be leaving training constantly... AKA on the hour like I'd need to if I were consuming 140oz all the time.

14 days until I fly, pardon my french... but merde is getting REAL.

So much to do in the house before the 28th. I need to get my entire deposit back... so I need to be doing little things throughout the week.

like the dishes, emptying garbages, taking bags of stuff to goodwill, borrowing a vaccum and starting to attack the hard water crusts on bathroom and kitchen faucets. Any tips for that out there?

In addition, everyone wants to say their good-byes. But only 3 people showed up to my going away party. I don't have time to spend with everyone since I'm working 8am - noon and from 2:30pm to midnight. Want monsters... want time, want attention, want priority when I'm very clearly out of those spots in my life and then I feel guilty that I can't indulge everyone (and myself) and play as often as I'd like.

I'm stressed out. When this happens, weight is on the bottom of my list of things to do.

Wendy, I hope you're reading this. I'm not ignoring your calls. I just work a metric shit ton. (60 hours a week if anyone is counting, not including commute time/walking).

Here's my activity in positivity...
I choose to see this stress as positive because...
- I am making money.
- I am buying myself time to get a job in NY by having a good savings.
- I am reducing my stress for NY, where things will be more stressful than here.
- I am prepping for a continued healthy lifestyle, by taking a momentary hit in that same area.
- I am getting a lot of walking in, which is better than nothing as far as fitness goes.
- I am going to be out of Idaho soon and LIVING THE DREAM!! (the poor starving artist dream)!

Big Fat Update Love,
Nanette

RFSC + Life Update + Faith & Trust

Check In

Weight: 302 (-4lbs!) 

Waist: 46.5" (+.5")

Water: Better this week. 100oz everyday but yesterday. 

Workouts: 1 HIIT session (found out trainer is preggers on tuesday and unable to do it anymore) 

4 interval runs. 

Nutrition: I've been logging some stuff in MFP... Forcing myself to at least log in every day. This deserves no congratulations. But I've done okay, I mean... I'm losing weight. Just eating when I'm hungry. 

NSV: Losing weight despite not tracking calories! Graduation is official! Acquired 3 jobs. Secured my sublet. I will be a brooklynite in 4 weeks! 

Goals 

Weight: GET UNDER THREE HUNDRED!!!!   

NSV: Let go of some of the too big clothing. Pack up some of the going home for storage stuff. Take care of skin/massage cellulite places try to help circulation. 

Nutrition: Keep it under control. Eat more veggies every day. 

Water: 100 oz every day. 

Workouts

Sunday: Leg HIIT

Monday: Interval Run + Arms HIIT. 

Tuesday: Core HIIT. 

Wednesday: Insanity. 

Thursday: Interval Run. Arms HIIT. 

Friday: off. 

Saturday: Interval Run. + Arms HIIT. 

Sunday: Mini HIIT with Wendy. 

Thoughts... 

Today, I got into size 22 pants! Zipped... too tight to be seen in public. But zipped! I traded some books and movies for some smaller clothing. I took photos today and I'll be posting them in a tab or something since there are so many of them. They are going to be my "start" clothing for a challenge I'm holding for myself or the next one Mir does. 

I have a going away party this weekend. There will be lots of food. I'm going to eat some of it. Truth. So I have to be really diligent this week with eating well if I want to see under 300 by next sunday. 

The Job Situation... 

I'm so excited to feel focused again. I got past the early termination, you can't stay with me for more than a week - so find a sublet, savings not big enough for the move in three weeks PANIC/STRESS. 

This week is my summer break. It is one week of freedom before school starts. It is one week to get rid of the stuff in my house. Box up anything that can just be put away. Put in a few hours with the music dept.

On the 14th, I'll be starting 3 jobs...

• Monday - Friday: 3:15- midnight (I assume I have this job. I have my second interview monday. It's a high turnover call center and I'm smarter than a brick. I should get in). 
• Mon, Wed, Fri: 8am - noon. (through the dept that just forced me out of my job early)
• Saturday: 8-5 music dept...   (flexible, work whenever hours). 

So I'm thinking this week... this very dead week... I'm going to clock 30 hours at the music dept cataloguing string music. Then submit my 10 hour a week time card and be able to keep my weekends open. 

I have time to be fit. I have time to come up with a game plan for this upcoming scary terrible week. I have time to do the mountain of laundry. I have time to menu and shop prior to the week starting.

Cons 

- no time with three jobs. 

- compromised sleep patterns. 

- less time to make food. 

Pros

- 2 miles from call center, I can do my interval runs! 

- No dress code (workout gear!)

- MONEY!!!! (less stress!)

- Challenge to see how quickly I can adapt. 

- Remind myself what it's like to not be boss. 

- Remember how to learn a new job.

The Moving Situation... 

I have a sublet!!! I'm moving out to Brooklyn. I have a place to stay the DAY I arrive. No needing to crash on a friend's couch. No need to put people out. I've been able to figure out how to get there from the airport. The girl who is subletting is a friend of a friend. She's going to still be there for a week or so, staying with a friend in a different apt. She will show me around and help me get my bearings. 

I'm moving with a friend from Idaho, Shasta... she's actually going to share the room with me. Our costs are HALVED. Even if the job stuff goes all to hell, I will have enough to get me through! 

Best part... are you ready for this?! New apartment is within one mile of the following... 

• Organic food Co-Op. 
• Prospect Park (for running!) 
• Target and Old Navy so I can cheaply keep up with my dropping sizes! And buy affordable tampons. 
• Laundromat. 

After doing all the math... I will actually be making more this way than when I would if I had been able to keep the original job. Breathe easy. Leave off in good shape. I can take a deep breath... funny how the stress lets up and I drop 4lbs in a week. I can do anything good!!!    

Wendy over at eatsleepmove and I had a great conversation yesterday. Talking about faith. I'm not religious which sometimes makes me feel like an outsider in the fat blogging arena since weight loss can be such a spiritually related experience as well. 

But I do have faith that if I do everything in my power to set a plan in motion and then let go... things will work out. I can't prove that it will. I'm not owed anything... I am not entitled. I have to do my part. I must trust that what happens is for the best. Whether it be a "learning experience" (see: crappy, but an opportunity to grow) or whether it goes smoothly... I am a person. People are highly adaptable. We survive. We cope. We grow and learn and strive. 

I have done what I can. I have set my job stuff in motion. I have worked for the past 7 years in preparation for this. I have gotten a sublet. I will trust that I can find a job when I relocate. I trust that someone out there is looking for an employee just like me. (hopefully in the personal assistant/administrative assistant realm). 

Big Fat Faithful, Trusting, Successful Love, 

Nanette

 

All aboard the thought train!!!

So this split focus thing is killing me. This weekend alone, I have spent $60 going out... consuming food that isn't healthy, booze and even a dessert. I still managed to lose weight - luckily. I really think that was a fluke.

I have this pattern. I can usually concentrate on 3-4 things in my life and do them all well. Right now I'm so overwhelmed with all the stuff I've been trying to fit in and stress out about that I haven't been doing ANYTHING well. Here goes the thought train... All aboard!

A) New potentially romantic interest - this always makes things sort of go to crap and occupies way more of my thoughts than it should. And let's face it... obsession is ugly. I don't want to be ugly.

B) Finding a Job in NYC - I'm jumping the gun here. I'm not in the city yet. I can put this on the back burner for a couple weeks. But it does come with all the "I need a professional interview outfit!" Which contradicts G. Even that is jumping the gun. I don't know what size I will be when I get there!

C) Piano Tests = Graduation - Last week I found out that the pressure is still on high. With lessons this week it's even higher. For some reason this "easier" set of scales is harder than ever and I've got an entire piece to learn. But without the degree... I'm going to have a hell of a time with B) getting a job in NYC and no one wants to date a jobless bum. So it helps with A) New potentially romantic interest as well.

D) Eating right - This takes focus. This takes planning. This takes NOT giving in to the easiest way out because you were all stupid and twitterpated over some BOY or stuck in a practice room.

E) Working out - Planning work outs that don't tax the same part of the body each time. Finding work outs that keep me engaged. Working up to the 30 minutes of running that you want to do with Mr. Option A... A positive way to obsess, if you going to.

F) Moving - There is so much to be done around my house. Sell stuff. Ebay my formal gowns (seriously folks, if you've got some fat friends (26/28/30), I'm selling off a few really beautiful items). Sell off my vintage purse collection. Selling off my fancy shoes. Selling off my vintage jewelry. *sigh*

G) Saving/Making Money - This is REALLY the only thing I can productively do for myself in this move to NYC. Getting a job is going to take me BEING there to interview. People doing sublets don't want to talk to someone who wants one all the way in JUNE. What I can do is save money...  it buys me more time to get a job. It will also enable me to eat healthy instead of cheaply while I'm out there. It's also making me assess every purchase... well... how much toilet paper do you need in about 1month and a half. Shampoo? Tampons? Don't be wasteful. Save your pennies.

H) Online dating... I know I've already mentioned Mr. Option A. Which seems to have run a little cold lately... probably due to slight obsession backed up by not having MET in real person. But I have this constant niggling want for attention from the opposite sex. I don't know if it's a "validate me" thing. I really don't think it is... I think it's my new distraction technique for the stress I'm feeling. (I do that. A LOT).

Okay... So now you know what's buzzing around up there...   I WILL FOCUS. I will prioritize.

1) Piano/Graduation - Duh. I've been working on this degree for 7 years. It would be RIDICULOUS not to finish it this close to getting out of here. Plus it prepares me for success in so many ways after the fact.

2) Saving/Making Money - Concentrate on SAVING. Concentrate on not buying in excess. Concentrate on using the food you have and supplementing with grocery purchases. You don't need any new clothing right now (though I DID just buy new running shoes). You don't need to go out to eat a $10 salad you could make at home for $3.

3) Eating Right - Making menus and buying smart go hand in hand. I can eat healthily. I will pay closer attention to the cost of certain items to see how I will be able to eat on $15-20 a week when I get to NY.

4) Working out - I'm handing the reigns over to trainer when it comes to work out planning. I'm going to keep up with the interval running so I can feel like I'm doing something about Potential Guy and so I can drop some more weight. I don't want to scare him away with my size (though I've been very up front about my weight).

Everything else, moving, online dating, applying for jobs, finding a sublet, new potential romantic interest...   You can all take a back seat. I have two more weeks until I am done with piano. Then I can pick one to put back in on top and take more control over my working out.

I will not lose my laser like focus and determination. I'm tired of feeling like refracted light. I need to feel productive. I need motion. I need progress. I can do anything good!!!!

Accountability...

Menu
Breakfast: banana w/1tbsp peanut butter.
S: Fruit leather.
L: tuna salad on spelt bread.
S: baby carrots.
D: Spinach, celery, tomato, avocado, black berry, sunflower seed + balsamic salad.
S: cottage cheese.

Workout
25 pushups
25 squats
25 side lunges right
25 side lunges left.
50 bicep curls
25 tricep dips
25 vertical jumps.
5 downward facing dog pushups.

Big Fat FOCUSED Love,
Nanette

Midweek Check In.

I have refrained from weighing myself at all this week. Which I'm pretty much a scale addict. I check it every time I change my clothes. Anyway... 3 days of none of that. I got on the scale and I'm up a freaking pound. I'm cycling through a lot of thoughts and emotions like anger and disappointment and what if you're just gaining muscle?! and have I been eating things that I haven't been logging? I'm drinking enough water. I'm definitely getting enough exercise. I'm on my period... is that it? I WANT TO SEE A LOSS THIS WEEK, not just a different number. I've got to... I want to lose another 10-20lbs before I move. It's my fresh start and I don't want to do it above 300lbs.

Today the two a day work outs stop. I'm a bit too sore for life today. Heh. But really, I'm having some awesome muscle fatigue. So I'm taking this morning off. Trainer cancelled. She's having a hard time moving and needs to be able to teach her class tomorrow. As much as she pushes me, I push her right back. I will revel in this rest day - for tomorrow I run.

I'm kind of excited about the running. I want to build up to be something I really enjoy... You know, 30 minutes of just going. No marathons or 5Ks or whatever. Just going on a run. It could be great me time. I'd also love to be in the kind of relationship where you both go on a morning run to start the day... It might be silly. But it's something I'd want. Plus it would be such a motivator for staying active.

I've been thinking a lot about this move and how I'm going to stay active. I'm going to keep losing weight. Someone asked yesterday if I'm going to keep blogging. You bet your nethers I will be! Writing is a cathartic activity for me. I'd much rather go for the laptop than go for the fridge.

Which I must admit I did last night. Now I didn't go over my caloric limit of 1700. And I was hungry but I was having such an emotional night, that I was definitely eating for comfort instead of hunger. And I didn't make terrible choices, some cottage cheese, a handful of baby carrots and some peanut butter. It was one of those weird days when you get home, sit down and mysteriously start crying. I didn't know over what, or why. Yesterday wasn't particularly bad. Maybe the stress of the NY thing was sort of raining down around me (rain from my face). I was awash with all those feelings of inadequacy... I talk to myself a lot... and even saying some of it out loud just made me cry harder. It was ridiculous. I'm not a terribly emotional person - or, I am, but I don't cry very often. So when I do, I make it worth it.

But mid-everything, before I could reach for another food to eat, I ran a hot bath and laid in it for a while reading some magazines about beginning running. I got ready for bed and slept like a dead thing. Maybe just exhaustion? Tears from exhaustion? Something. Well, I'm taking today off to recuperate... And I'll just have to eat extra smart today.

Big Fat Tears of Love,
Nanette

CDCC # whatever... I've lost track

Weigh in: 329 (-0)
water: 3/7...   boo.
exercise: 5/7... okay.
veggies: 3/7... needs improvement

Morning after wingman-ing

Nursing an amazingly wicked hang over today. I was wingman last night for a friend... mission accomplished, just sayin'. It has been over a year since I've had anything to drink and there's less of me this time... man. Not doing that again for a very long time. But the drag show was fun. Glitter, lip-syncing, dirty jokes and men that walk better in heels than most women.

I would like to announce that I have fixed my creative writing grade (had some absences). So there's one crappy stress out of the way. I'm doing what I can to minimize that and make life simple. I'm trying to get all my homework for the week done today so that this week is just showing up, exercising and eating right.

Today
- finish French diction recitation.
- piano lesson for pedagogy.
- prep voice notes for pedagogy portfolio.
- edit two english pieces for creative writing portfolio.
- complete peer reviews on 3 english pieces.
- begin AND COMPLETE analyzing the Beethoven Variations (dread).
- Make chocolate covered pretzels for the student recital on Thursday (stores well).
- GROCERY SHOP.
- Make and send some christmas cards.
- Write the weekly letters to Tracy, Ashley and Emily.


This is my last week of real classes (dead week). Finals week I only have one actual final that's written. The rest are small projects - take home stuff. And no exercise classes on finals week. I've been coming up with a game plan for activity though. The guy I normally work out with (trent), says he's willing to go every day. It will kick my pants. It will be something different. I will have time to lengthen our weight lifting. And we can do it later than 7am. Since we're both here during the break... and both have gym memberships we're going to do 5 days of work out in a row... cardio+weights+stretching (which I know how to do now, thank you dance class). And on the 6th day... there was swimming. And on the 7th day... there was rest. This is the plan anyway. It might be modified as we find out what juries Trent has to play the piano for.

Swimming has to take a back seat until I'm in class. Trent is a terrible swimmer and it slows me down sometimes because I want to help him learn - not the reason I'm there. But I can usually get a decent work out in and help him learn a concept. Boy cannot relax enough to float for his life. He normally runs a few miles every morning and lost 60lbs over a year ago... most importantly, he's maintained it. He likes to take people on runs with him... Younger "healthier" people... and then see if he can keep up or if they can keep up with him. So there is a tiny sense of satisfaction that he is SORE the next day after I've worked him out in the pool. The voice of reason tells me that he's using new muscles and that he's out of his element. It's fun to see the tables turn, if only briefly to have the student teach the teacher. In that way, I so enjoy that we help each other.

I'm still plateau-ing. I'm not too angry about it... It's frustrating. But I haven't been concentrating hard enough on the weightloss part of my life. So it makes sense. End of semester has got me thinking - dad, finals, broke, dad, finals, fat, no... unfat, dad, finals, broke, dad, broke, laptop screen, broke, finals, upcoming forced vacation (work for the uni), MORE broke.

It's big decision time....
I've been offered an EXTREME discount to go to Europe with the choirs. I guess Dr. A needs altos. It directly conflicts with my financial plans for moving to New York. I've also got a bit of dental work that I'm getting done. Three major competitors.

Europe - $2000 + food, trinkets, passport.
NYC - $5000 (beginning nest egg).
Dental - $1500 (implant and wisdom teeth extraction).

I've enrolled for school again. I have ONE CREDIT to finish. Which I could do on my own without enrolling but who is going to give this girl a loan to move across country. I need that financial aid. Yes, abusing the system. All's fair in education and money.  I will be getting my last student loan. I'll be getting $4000 back. Plus $2000 tax return (which I could just dedicate to EU). Plus a pretty decent job and near zero monthly expenses - I've paid them all in advance.

IF I eat healthy. Cook at home. Buy more produce in a timely manner. And avoid any surprise medical costs... I THINK I can afford everything and not have to make a decision to not do something. I would feel so uncomfortable moving to NY with less than that just in case it takes a ridiculous amount of time to get a job... plus only moving with 2 suitcases, there's a lot of stuff to buy. Lordy, I want to be a smaller size... You can pack more clothing that way. It would be so nice to be able to pack things like books and journals and memories. I'm going to have to box them up and ask mom and dad to ship them for birthdays and christmas over the next few years.

Don't even get me started on the whole minimizing the crap in my apartment thing and trying to decide what to keep, sell or donate.

Anyway...   just a peek into the stress I keep talking about. Stress? obsession? Cyclical thinking? A life NEAR motion? Cusping on the brink of something... (328lbs, maybe?)   Nearing the beginning of the next book of Nanette's life series... I've always hated how slowly books end. But that much closer to the next exposition, the beauty of a new life made!

done. must be done.

Big Fat Cusping Love,
Nanette

P.S. Dad's doing a lot better. they've got him in an inpatient Physical Therapy place. He's getting a lot of work done... sitting, rolling, wheel chair transfer from bed, wheel chair transfer to toilet, sitting for longer periods of time. He's still on a LOT of pain killers and he says he's very sore and that they work him beyond what he can do. (which means they're doing they're job). I hope he doesn't give up or get belligerent - he's off the hardcore opiates, so his filter should be back to functioning.