Monday, February 27, 2012

Want Monster

So I was reading 100 days of dieting this week and it's sister book, Life is Hard Food is Easy. I have a hard time applying the words "emotional eater" to myself. Mainly because I'm a terribly pragmatic and practical person. I feel pretty even most of the time and lean on reasoning instead of emotion to guide my choices. However, Life is Hard defined emotional eating as this...

Emotional Eating: Using food for emotional or psychological reasons instead of for satisfying the body's physical requirement for food.

Like many others have said - Eat to live not live to eat. <--- p.s. I hate that saying. It's like saying "music is LIFE." Too many eggs. One basket. Seventeen thousand exceptions.

I really liked the way the book said that. I hate that it means that I'm an emotional eater. But I have some analyzing to do. What are the psychological reasons that I enter food-zombie-want-food-don't-need-food mode? What do I benefit from doing that? What unmet need am I satiating?

Today I was also sitting in the Sexual Psychology class today and they were talking about attraction. One theory states that we are attracted to things that we've suppressed... or that our suppressed experiences flavor our choices in mates. I suppose you could apply the same thing to food, or exercise, or any HABIT. The teacher talked about our need to recognize the pattern and then work through it with a therapist. Now... I don't really have access to a therapist. But therapy is "what I'm hearing you say is.." anyway... Blogs are lovely for that. Write it down. Read it again later and tell yourself "what I'm hearing you say is..."

So I'm trying to slow down my thoughts... slow down my body and ask myself questions as I go about making decisions like; another bite?, put salt on this?, buy the cookies?, I'm hungry?, so what?! I'm trying to fight my apathy... that's my enemy. Sometimes my internal dialogue goes like this..

"okay... you're not hungry but you want to eat {insert decadence}. It will skyrocket you over your caloric limit."
"So? You've done really well this week."
"Excuse. Why do you want to eat this?"
"because it's freakin' delicious."

Sometimes I lose and give in. Other times I exercise excellent restraint. But again, it's that consistency thing.

Dear Nanette,

Perfection doesn't exist. But that doesn't mean give up.

Sincerely, Your fat ass.  
 ****************************Change gears with me*****************************

 I'm stuck in limbo. Waiting to move. Waiting to graduate. Waiting to be thin. Waiting to job hunt. Waiting to buy new clothes. Waiting to find out what the future holds...

I'm feeling very Veruca Salt "BUT I WANT IT NOW, DADDY!" I am an impatient want MONSTER right now.

I want to be thin.
I want to try new recipes.
I want to be inspired again.
I want to follow through on my goals this week.
I want to eat well every day.
I want to be excited about exercise.
I want to read 100 books this year.
I want to complete my goals in the big picture - have follow through.
I want to pack up boxes of stuff I don't need.
I want to go home for a weekend.
I want to break my habit of dating terrible men.
I want to make healthy habits.
I want to stop being content with inactivity.
I want to an impressive resume.
I want to use up my art supplies.
I want to be calm about the NYC move.
I want to practice piano.
I want to get my FREAKING degree.
I want to be better at saving money.
I want to be more productive.
I want adventure (points if you thought "in that great wide somewhere" from Beauty& the Beast).
I want to be friends not a therapist.
I want to get over the anger and resentment of my degree.
I want to be debt free.
I want a dog.
I want affection.
I want to feel like my shit is together.
I want to find an apartment and get rid of the pit in my stomach about that.
I want to be out of this transition place.
I want to love music again.
I want to remember what it feels like to be "spiritual" and allow myself to balance that.
I want to be that girl who has opinions and direction but loves to wear lace and feel feminine (not mutually exclusive, I know).
I want to feel sexy while lose weight.
I want relationships (friends and etc) without feeling used or compromised.
I want to be detail oriented.
I want to be more focused.
I want to learn new dance moves.
I want to help people.
I want to be able to love more people than I'm annoyed by.
I want to adapt more quickly to change.
I want to be assertive.

I get this way sometimes. Then I want to punch myself in the face and say "Deep breath. One goal at a time."

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate myself. Or my life. I just need different at this point. Something different. I've been stuck in this waiting to move and be done with college place for over a year now (stupid class rotations).

Big Fat Greeeeeedy Love,


  1. I sent away for Breaking Free From Food Jail. Got it secondhand from Amazon. Am reading Full of Faith (or Full of Food) at the moment. A free download ebook. Almost finished. Hope to start on the Jail book in about a week.

  2. I also consider myself a pragmatic person and had a hard time accepting myself as an emotional eater. But I think the important thing to remember is that to be an emotional eater you don't have to be sobbing into a carton of ice cream as you eat it nightly. You may be eating to numb emotions you don't feel like dealing with. That was me.

  3. I understand impatience all to well. It gave me an ulcer and a psychological disorder. I hope you work it all out so that you don't end up with the issues I have.

  4. One day at a time, I issues at a time. Nanette, you are the most down to earth person I think I "know". You know what you want, you just gotta find the starting point and go from there. You list of I wants, there's a good share on there I want too.
    And my dear, I take your dare....3 runs this week. One down this morning, two to go. :o)
    Take care Nanette and good luck this week. You can do this!!!

  5. I want, I want, I well! I see it as motivation! If I didn't WANT then I wouldn't care about what I didn't have. Stupid I'm sure that's just me...

  6. Having goals is great. And you have youth, meaning ENERGY AND TIME. Just figure out what you want MOST and prioritize, right? FOr me, the weight/health thing being addressed is what allows me to then go to the next step. I'm angry at myself for losing 2 decades to obesity...the lost fricken generation of my life...but hey, we do it NOW, cause NOW is all we have to work with. Do not waste the time like I did. Get fit and then move on to that huge list of'll get your dreams, babe.

  7. Leave out "want" and "want to" from all those statements and you have your affirmations. There is a lot of distance between wanting and having things. It looks especially far when there is a lot of weight to lose - that's why today is all that matters. Make today like you want and you can have that pretty quickly. Those daily short-term goals will get you to the long term goals you are going to achieve if you take care of the days.

  8. The people that are as focused on their goals as you are are the ones that accomplish them! I'll bet that all those things you want are things that are going to happen in your life - you just need to arrange stuff so your goals will fall into place. I bet you're already doing that!! I remember having similar strong wants and goals, and every minute of every day I was thinking, "what should I be doing right this minute to move towards my goals." I think you wrote it, but I can't remember - how much longer before you get your degree and you can move?

    1. I'm done with the degree - ish. I'm not enrolled in any classes. I just need to pass some piano tests. (just. ugh. Just = hours of practicing). But I don't get out of here and nothing is official until the semester is over. So I'm leaving the first weekend of June. Packing up. Moving across country. Leaving small town heading to big city.

  9. Really love the way you write and express yourself. You're a wise old woman in a young woman's body. :) Keep it up - I get inspired, remember I need to update my blog and try a little harder on the weight thing, and continue to be glad we're friends. :)

  10. I like your goals, and keeping them in mind will help you succeed! Just don't give up, keep going and you'll get there!


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