E2E #1 Initial Post!

Measurements

Waist: 51::: goal by end of challenge 49

Hips: 65 ::: goal by end of challenge 60

Weigh in: 325 (-1) :::: goal by end of challenge: 299

Plan

Food: Oscillate calories between 1900 and 2200 to keep body out of "starvation mode."

Work Out: 4x 60 min cardio, 3x 30 min weight lifting per week. total of 7 work outs a week. 

Books: 100 Days of Weight Loss, Life is Hard, Food Is Easy and Smarter Science of Slim (on order). 

Cookbooks: Healthy 1-2-3 The Ultimate Three Ingredient Cookbook (on order), Skinny Bitch Ultimate Everyday Cookbook. (goal: cook 5 new recipes)

Weight loss Journal: check. 

Items of clothing:

Size 2x

size 3x

size: 22/24

Partner: I don't know who yet. 

Support: You'll be hearing from me.
Quitting: Not happening. 

Quote: This is not a commitment to a challenge or a diet plan. This is a commitment to your body and a commitment to lifestyle change. This a commitment to a healthier tomorrow.

Big Fat E2E Love, 

Nanette

E2E Challenge Prep

I've been doing so much research regarding plateaus and motivation over the Christmas break that my browser's bookmark list is getting ridiculously long. Reading article after article after article...   I'm ready to shout! I AM NOT A YO-YO DIETER! I may be an emotional eater, but I haven't found what emotion inspires the inhalation of food... not boredom, or sadness... maybe loneliness? Since I so strongly affiliate food with socializing.

But really... I got my book for the challenge in the mail today. It starts off by assuming I've tried every diet out there and I've just lost interest after the first couple of weeks. Let's get this straight. I have eaten whatever I've wanted for 24 years of my life... No holds barred (aside from the bottom of a chip bag). Once in a while I would scold myself for sweets or caffeine. But ultimately, I have never been on a diet. I have never been on a weight loss program. I have never counted calories. Looked at a scale weekly/daily for progress. I haven't "dieted" with the intent of weight loss before.

That's the kind of person I am. All or nothing. I've spent the last year whining and complaining and feeling subpar for being fat. I also spent the last year watching documentaries. Doing research. Reading and finding out what the garbage I've been putting in my body for 24 years has DONE and WILL DO to my body.

Ultimately what I see in Yo-yo dieting is someone looking at something healthy and wanting. Then trying for a little while or a quick fix to get that body. I think it was Fat Sick and Nearly Dead that pointed out that if we think of dieting as DIETING of course we're going to gain everything back. This is not a diet. This is not a program. This isn't a seven week course.

This is a permanent life change. I am choosing a permanent life change. That means I will probably never have soda again... I certainly feel like my life is fulfilling without it. That means that I will probably always check labels for corn syrup and hydrogenated oils. I will always thinking about what kind of fats are in the food I'm eating. I will always be thinking "you are what you eat. Literally. On the molecular level." And it can be dizzying or exhausting or even feel like I'm denying myself wonderful things (really?)...   but these things aren't happiness (neither is thin, just saying).

I feel good and happy when I know I'm treating my body well. I feel good and happy when I accomplish something (like walking away from oreos, ON SALE). I feel good and happy when I finish things like these online challenges, or an extra minute or five on the elliptical. I feel good when I know that I am in full control of what I choose to put in my mouth whether or not I exercise that control well. I feel good and happy when I show ownership of my decisions, particularly when those decisions are beneficial.

In a world of want want want want NEED, sometimes I get a twinge of delight when I do without. Less feels good. Owning less. Eating less. Weighing less. Buying less. Driving less. It's calming to throw away a shoe box full of old notes from high school or lotions that you got as gifts but haven't used for 2 years because you really can't abide the smell and they haven't grown on you like they thought you would. Even those boxes/cans/packages of food you shouldn't eat anyway...   give them to a food bank. Keep less. Store less. Those lesses help us find mores. More time. More space. More thinking. More walking. More options and opportunities. More choices. More nutrition. More.

In this challenge I'm so looking forward to less. Less body. Less stuff. Less food. Less waist. Less.

I'm so looking forward to more. More time. More thinking. More walking. More journaling. More clothing options. More writing. More reading. More.

So here's to a life commitment to your body and health.
Big Fat Commitment-y Love,
Nanette

WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Guess who weighed in today before swimming AND FINALLY SAW A LOWER NUMBER!!!!   That's right... This lady.

Weigh in: 326!!!! That's a whopping -6 lbs.
Veggies: every day.
Water: over 100 oz 4/7
Diet changes: Less carbs. Less saturated fat. More omega three fats.
Work out changes: elliptical every day. Weight lifting every day. Whining about how sore I am every day.

Okay... So I didn't believe the scale. So I moved it. It's not mine. It's the big medical kind at the gym. I got the same response. I walked away and put my towel on a hook by the pool... then went back and weighed again. STILL THE SAME. FINALLY...

I suspect three main factors: upping my exercise. Getting a bit more restricted with my carbs/grains. For the first time in 2 months I'm on the blank birth control week. Timing indicates that skipping my period by continuing on to the next month of pills began some of that plateau. I can't blame it entirely. I fell off some good eating habits. But I think that the pill was definitely a contributing factor.

Honestly... at this point... WHO CARES WHAT CAUSED IT! I'm feeling good. Going to try and keep up with the physical activity and food carefulness. Going to try and drain my water bottle 3x a day particularly over these next few days.

Met up with an ex today. He was an ex because he needed to go on his LDS mission. Well, he's back. We're considering getting back together despite some distance between us (about an hour and a half but both of us are car-less).

We took a cab to go christmas shopping. The cab driver asked us if we were married. I laughed and said "No."
"Dating?"
"No. But we have before."
"Well you'd make a good couple. You look good together and you seem to get along really easily."
From the cabbie... Boy and I looked at each other and kinda laughed about it. I wasn't uncomfortable as much as amused. Apparently our considerations were that obvious, even though we hadn't talked about it.

After we talked about it. Me moving. Him looking for an LDS wife. I told him that we can be "dating" but not in a relationship. I don't want him to give up chasing other girls to be with me, especially when I know he's hunting a bit more seriously. And I'm getting out of dodge and I don't want it to be all emotionally grating.

Big Fat FINALLY LOSING WEIGHT Love,
Nanette

PS. Finals Grades

Dance: C (absences).
Aquacise: A
Form: B
Writing: B
Diction: A
Pedagogy: A

A Boise Weekend.

Just got back from a fun weekend in Boise. I got to visit friends who have graduated and/or moved on from the college life. I made new friends. I tried new things. I even got a visit to the gym in. I didn't track calories. But I know I did okay.

Ashley, the one who invited me to stay with her, paid for my bus ticket to and from in exchange for voice lessons. It was such a great experience to teach her. She was responsive and bodily aware. It was definitely more rewarding than the high school student I taught last semester. Her accompanist, Esteban, was so wonderful. He's a classical guitarist. They were working on Bachianas Brasileras. It was the most healthy and helpful collaboration I've ever witnessed. Esteban was happy to hear what I was doing with Ashley and commented on a lot of the things that were working. I found out after the lessons that Esteban has his doctorate from Indiana University (prestigious music program). I love that I had no idea. He chose to just be a musician instead of a doctor of music. He was without pretension. It's possible! It gives me faith that I can escape this program and hopefully find a collaboration of my own that's just as rewarding.

We went to a couple bars. We danced. MAN did we dance (cardio)! My hips are still tight. She threw a house party in my honor. A few of the other Boise friends came out of the woodwork in addition to strangers that she ran into that day and her own collection of people she wanted to share. It was a collection of free-minded, love everyone, hippies. There was a man named Og sporting dreds, one enormous gauged ear, who hugged me and greeted me as "sister." There was also a lot of talk about Burning Man and Rainbow Family Gatherings. A man named Calvin - as in calvin and hobbes, and yes he some times has an imaginary friend. Joe, Jason, Jack, James... I would tell you more if I could remember which one was which. heh.

Ashley, Me, Lindz 

My Aunt LD had me over for an art party. We play with new techniques and toys whenever I go there. We throw around different visual ideas for journaling or expression in general. I'm meaning to put together a positive affirmation page or visual goals... I need to buy a couple health magazines. I have plenty of weight loss pages. But not many envisioning a thin healthy future.

Yet to be finished, painted this weekend

Favorite part though. Ashley works at an all vegetarian tea house. So lovely tea. Lovely veggie burgers. Thorough menu. Spicy kale chips. We (Ashley, Lindz and I) went on Ashley's day off and had lunch. We painted there. Lindz got out her loom and was weaving a scarf. It was a really laid back vibe. No one was going to get mad at us for using our water glasses to rinse paint brushes. :)

I weighed in yesterday when I got back and went to work out. I actually lost a pound! 332! So I consider the vacation a healthy release with a few minor indulgences. I'm excited that until Jan 2 I have no school or work so I can relax, paint, work out, research healthier food and work out options and COOK!

Off to the gym with Trent,
Nanette

CDCC - last check in

Hey everyone!

Last go around...

Weigh in: 332 (+3)
Exercise: 6/7
Diet: 7/7 under 1900/mostly green.
Book: Skinny Bitchy - Done.
Dress: Still many sizes away - can't get it on yet. :( But soon I'll be in a 24.
Pant size: 28 to 26.
Shirt size: tight 4x to tight 3x.
Bra: 46DD to 44D

Good news. My body is changing. I can pinch loose skin over my belly, breasts, thighs, ass and arms. Here's hoping that skin with adjust. Though I've promised myself, if I can reach -100 to -120 lbs and keep it off for one year, I will allow myself skin reduction surgery. I don't believe that plastic surgery solves self esteem issues, but this one might be not be cosmetic. I'm a large woman. I don't need my fat skirt to turn into a skin one.

Before

After

Before

Before

After

That's the difference of -11 lbs. Honestly, I'm a little disappointed that the loss was so small, but I think that I've added a lot of muscle and built some excellent habits. 

• I'm not afraid of the gym much anymore. I will try whatever machine I can. 
• I've done a dance class IN SPANDEX IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. Whoa, that in conjunction with swim class, I was basically naked in public four times a week. Tell ya what, that's the cure to insecurity. 
• I finally went in to get my blood panels done. Thank god I'm not diabetic. Here's hoping I can take these preventative measures. 
• I've learned a lot about nutrition and exercise and how to muscle through even when you're not seeing results. 

Here's looking at what I can accomplish before the big move next June. Hopefully more than another -11lbs. But I think I'm on the verge of the next big weight drop with a new work out regime starting and waiting for this last work out intensive week to take it's toll. Hell, I'm okay with not losing a ton more weight, as long as I see a difference in my body. My legs are looking so much smoother and actually toned in certain places (calves and ankles). I look forward to concentrating on my fat wings and seeing what I can do to help my upper body strength. 

Good job, guys! It's been fun watching and reading about others' journeys. Sometimes it's just what I need to hear that day... whether it be knowing I'm not alone in a struggle or that the progress I see in others is inspiring. You've all been so helpful. 

I'm probably going to keep blogging about weight loss. I've still got a whopping 100lbs to lose. I'm staying subscribed to others and hopefully we can continue to support and work, with or without the next challenge. 

Big Fat -11lbs Love, 

Nanette

Bugged...

I weighed in yesterday. I've been working out every day since Sunday. I had GAINED 3lbs. I'm flipping through all sorts of emotions... bugged, angry, defeated, etc. I'm trying not to let that invalidate or cheapen the work I've been putting in.

Over the last 5 days...
250 minutes of cardio.
80 min of weight lifting
and consumed my freaking weight in vegetables.

Who knows...   Maybe I'm gaining muscle weight. Maybe my diet is imbalanced. Maybe I'm pushing myself too hard so body won't let go of lbs. My sodium intake has been lower. My water intake has been higher.

I am feeling some skin loosen in different places. But I'm not feeling any different in my clothing. We'll see what the real weigh in tomorrow will be. Pee it out, Nanette. Pee it out.

Big Fat wanna punch my fat in the face Love,
Nanette

Mid-week Finals

Normally I get to weigh in on tuesday and thursday to sort of keep and eye on my progress. This week I've been pressed for time and I'm in for a surprise on Friday! We'll see what happens.

I've been switching up my workout. I've switched from bike to elliptical. From upper body weights to lower. Longer cardio. Longer weights. I'm up to 1.5 hours a day a the gym since Sunday. I'm feeling good. I'm pushing myself on the elliptical. Every four minutes, I do the fifth minute as hard and fast as possible. Just trying to integrate some interval training. I started on sunday doing 7 minute intervals. But I'm getting faster and better... and Pushing myself for more intervals in the 25 minutes I do on it.

I'm squatting more than Trent does now. More reps, heavier weights. Tell ya what... hauling all this fat around has SOME benefits. heh. The times of day have been varied so far too... I'm trying to do some mornings. Tonight was the first night. I didn't have work due to my final. Night time is Nanette-working-a-desk-job time. So it was a little tougher tonight to push myself. But I hope it will kick my body in gear and get off this plateau.

Look at that smooth hair!!! It's growing so quickly! 

The diet has been going medium so far this week. a lot of salads. I've had a little chicken. a little fish. a little cheese here and there. Today at my voice pedagogy final, the teacher brought pizza. I had a veggie piece since I wouldn't have time to make anything before gym time. I also had a couple brownie bites. So yeah... that's falling right off the raw thing. Do I feel bad about it though? Not really. I'm trying not to eat less than 1700 calories a day and tomorrow morning is back to bananas and yogurt and salads and tilapia.

I notice my hair is behaving much better these days. I'm loving that benefit as well. :)

I AM DONE WITH FINALS. p.s. I rocked the voice ped final today. We're allotted 2 hours. The teacher is pretty picky... But I feel pretty darn good about my answers. They were thorough. AND done in 30 minutes. My study group paid off this morning. I can breathe easy with all that out of the way.

Now on to Christmas with the family and figuring out what to do about my danged lost cellphone...

Big Fat Midweek Love,
Nanette

CDCC #12? 13?

Weigh in: 330 (+1)
Water: 5/6 over 100 oz.
Veggies: 3/6 3 servings +
Calories: 6/6 under 1900.
Work outs: 5/6  3.5 hours cardio, 1 hr weights, 2 hrs aquacise.
Book: Done. Searching for the next one. 100 days of weight loss? open to suggestions.

MOVEMENT!!! granted, not in the right direction. BUT IT CHANGED!

Today was the last class of Aquacise. I've been taking it for three semesters and now I'm done forever. My teacher, Sarah and I have become pretty good friends. She added me on facebook today after we had a big long talk about how to break through this plateau. She sent me to bodyrock.tv. For some at home work outs and some recipes and weekly challenges. She recommended taking this weekend to concentrate on homework. Skip the Saturday work out. But hit it HARD next monday.

Lengthen cardio - switch from bike to elliptical.
Do weight reps faster - with good form of course.
Try body weight exercises alone (pushups, crunches, planks, chair dips, lunges).
REMEMBER TO STRETCH - keep those muscles loose and cool down to prevent soreness. 

Next week is also going to be a raw foods week - small cheats allowed for HOME BAKED fish.
Sunday will be menu, shop and prep day.

I started losing weight by reading up. writing motivations down. Writing things to think about. Ways to change unhealthy thought patterns. I found this very excellent thought while browsing articles on sparkpeople... that sometimes motivational issues arise from outgrowing the initial motivation. I consider that the case right now - duh, I'm looking up motivational speeches for weight loss.

I haven't grown completely lax or anything. But it's time to kick it up. It's time to stop being complacent and blaming my body for not losing when I haven't given it new stimuli for a while now...

On the positive side, I've gone from...
0 workouts a week -----------------> 5-7 workouts consistently per week.
not tracking calories at all --------> logging calories 4-7 days a week
Eating without thinking ----------> careful consideration of sodium and saturated fats I consume.
size 28/30----------------------------> 26/28... and lost a cup size :( heh.
Chronic back pain -----------------> sore muscles. A very decent trade.
No caffeine -------------------------> No soda or corn syrup infused drinks at all.
3 servings of veggies a week. ----> 3 servings at least 3 times a week. 300% increase.
368 lbs -------------------------------> 330 lbs.

Some motivational questions from one of those articles... 

• Look at a recent successful week; what worked? when did you make good choices? 
• How would life be different if you dropped 20lbs over night? What would happen?  
• Find the good intention behind bad behavior. What did I quiet with that {insert guilt food or skipped work out}? What feelings did I satiate? How else can I address that body need or emotional feeling? 
• Make predictions for good behaviors and bad. I am 50% sure that I will go out to eat. I am 60 % sure I'll go to the gym. I am 100% sure that I will weigh in. It helps us own our decisions. 
• Why do you do things right? What do you feel when you do things right? how do you think? how does your body react? 

I loved an article that I read back in August. It said pick a date. A solid calendar date. Make a commitment to that date and a commitment to yourself that this is when the plan you've been contemplating goes into effect. (inner skeptic says: you can make this choice every moment. Now self skeptic... here's the deal, that hasn't been working so well, fresh start). I will continue my current patterns of calorie counting and conscientious eating. Here's a commitment to the next step. The next level. The next -38 lbs. The next tough week. I will prepare myself now, during the last few days of this stupid plateau, to take it up a couple notches. I will read. I will journal. I will think it through. I will make time for my body, myself, my well-being.

Body, enjoy this brief respite. You will be workouts will shed that ass and belly come Monday.

Big FAT, TIRED OF PLATEAU-ING, Love,
Nanette

Turn the other cheek...

So I gave my student another lesson. Even though Monday's was supposed to be her last. I spent all day thinking "you think I'm a horrible teacher? I can SHOW you a horrible teacher." Of course, that's the least productive attitude and it would only sully my reputation with any of her peers that come a-seeking lessons. We tried again. We started from the ground up. We reviewed all the things we've learned so far and then we ran the piece for the student recital tomorrow. It looks like she might actually talk to her parents about continuing lessons with me next semester, as I can help teach her her choir parts, prep her for solo and musical auditions and remind her that good technique takes YEARS to develop and even then, one has to think about it.

The lesson today was so rewarding. If she thinks I'm a terrible teacher, at least I have taken something from our little experience. Be the bigger man and never teach a lesson that you wouldn't want to take. Here's hoping that our little performance tomorrow goes well.

tough day...

I taught my last lesson to my little voice student. She's been working hard. I've been working hard to keep up with piano. Today was especially frustrating since we've got a performance on Thursday. I REALLY struggle when it comes to the piano. But I am a damned good voice teacher. She filled out my evaluation today after struggling to put the piece together. I saw some of it. I wish I hadn't. I didn't see specific things but I really expected 5's (excellent) all across the board. We've been working so hard and accomplished so much. I didn't see all 5's. I saw a lot of 3's. Which makes me a little sad. I don't think she sees the value of what we've worked on or how far we've actually come. She's done some wonderful things. She's broken a LOT of bad choir habits. We've identified a lot of technical issues that take more than 6 lessons to iron out. But we've started. It's disappointing to have watched her advance and see that 3's are the main number she's putting in the evaluation.

But I'll try not to get disappointed. I KNOW I'm a good teacher. I can see that in the progress we've made. I have an hankering that she's not going to continue lessons with me. But I supposed that's one less thing to squeeze into my schedule next semester. It's just an ego blow. Trying to let go. Though it would be very interesting to see her interact with another teacher. I'm her first voice instructor, she is not my first voice student. She might have had a different preconception of what lessons ARE. Like it's my magical responsibility to make things perfect... when it's really about internal passion and want for musicality, I'm here to observe and offer an outside perspective and hopefully learning tools that she can take to a practice room.

This is me reasoning away my disappointment. Better reasoning than eating.

On the flip-side, my peer critique in English class went very well. I'm very close to gaining "insight" through my piece. I'm not one to blatantly say "moral of the story is..." I like to leave them digging. But I need to narrow my clues a little. It was a piece about finding a dead Indian man in the hot springs here. I'm pretty happy with it, but it needs a final edit. The class was generally pretty positive comments and constructive as well. I will hold on to the positive and constructive comments. 

Health thoughts are sitting on the backburner... simmering; water,calories, fat, scale, water, carbs, sugar, diet, fat, scale, -39, plateau.

I'm trying to change them to: healthier, looser clothing, minus, minus, minus, active, move, move, move, laugh, enjoy, cook, healthy, veggies, alternative choices, HDL cholesterol, water, water, water, move, move, move, PEE IT OUT!

CDCC # whatever... I've lost track

Weigh in: 329 (-0)
water: 3/7...   boo.
exercise: 5/7... okay.
veggies: 3/7... needs improvement

Morning after wingman-ing

Nursing an amazingly wicked hang over today. I was wingman last night for a friend... mission accomplished, just sayin'. It has been over a year since I've had anything to drink and there's less of me this time... man. Not doing that again for a very long time. But the drag show was fun. Glitter, lip-syncing, dirty jokes and men that walk better in heels than most women.

I would like to announce that I have fixed my creative writing grade (had some absences). So there's one crappy stress out of the way. I'm doing what I can to minimize that and make life simple. I'm trying to get all my homework for the week done today so that this week is just showing up, exercising and eating right.

Today
- finish French diction recitation.
- piano lesson for pedagogy.
- prep voice notes for pedagogy portfolio.
- edit two english pieces for creative writing portfolio.
- complete peer reviews on 3 english pieces.
- begin AND COMPLETE analyzing the Beethoven Variations (dread).
- Make chocolate covered pretzels for the student recital on Thursday (stores well).
- GROCERY SHOP.
- Make and send some christmas cards.
- Write the weekly letters to Tracy, Ashley and Emily.


This is my last week of real classes (dead week). Finals week I only have one actual final that's written. The rest are small projects - take home stuff. And no exercise classes on finals week. I've been coming up with a game plan for activity though. The guy I normally work out with (trent), says he's willing to go every day. It will kick my pants. It will be something different. I will have time to lengthen our weight lifting. And we can do it later than 7am. Since we're both here during the break... and both have gym memberships we're going to do 5 days of work out in a row... cardio+weights+stretching (which I know how to do now, thank you dance class). And on the 6th day... there was swimming. And on the 7th day... there was rest. This is the plan anyway. It might be modified as we find out what juries Trent has to play the piano for.

Swimming has to take a back seat until I'm in class. Trent is a terrible swimmer and it slows me down sometimes because I want to help him learn - not the reason I'm there. But I can usually get a decent work out in and help him learn a concept. Boy cannot relax enough to float for his life. He normally runs a few miles every morning and lost 60lbs over a year ago... most importantly, he's maintained it. He likes to take people on runs with him... Younger "healthier" people... and then see if he can keep up or if they can keep up with him. So there is a tiny sense of satisfaction that he is SORE the next day after I've worked him out in the pool. The voice of reason tells me that he's using new muscles and that he's out of his element. It's fun to see the tables turn, if only briefly to have the student teach the teacher. In that way, I so enjoy that we help each other.

I'm still plateau-ing. I'm not too angry about it... It's frustrating. But I haven't been concentrating hard enough on the weightloss part of my life. So it makes sense. End of semester has got me thinking - dad, finals, broke, dad, finals, fat, no... unfat, dad, finals, broke, dad, broke, laptop screen, broke, finals, upcoming forced vacation (work for the uni), MORE broke.

It's big decision time....
I've been offered an EXTREME discount to go to Europe with the choirs. I guess Dr. A needs altos. It directly conflicts with my financial plans for moving to New York. I've also got a bit of dental work that I'm getting done. Three major competitors.

Europe - $2000 + food, trinkets, passport.
NYC - $5000 (beginning nest egg).
Dental - $1500 (implant and wisdom teeth extraction).

I've enrolled for school again. I have ONE CREDIT to finish. Which I could do on my own without enrolling but who is going to give this girl a loan to move across country. I need that financial aid. Yes, abusing the system. All's fair in education and money.  I will be getting my last student loan. I'll be getting $4000 back. Plus $2000 tax return (which I could just dedicate to EU). Plus a pretty decent job and near zero monthly expenses - I've paid them all in advance.

IF I eat healthy. Cook at home. Buy more produce in a timely manner. And avoid any surprise medical costs... I THINK I can afford everything and not have to make a decision to not do something. I would feel so uncomfortable moving to NY with less than that just in case it takes a ridiculous amount of time to get a job... plus only moving with 2 suitcases, there's a lot of stuff to buy. Lordy, I want to be a smaller size... You can pack more clothing that way. It would be so nice to be able to pack things like books and journals and memories. I'm going to have to box them up and ask mom and dad to ship them for birthdays and christmas over the next few years.

Don't even get me started on the whole minimizing the crap in my apartment thing and trying to decide what to keep, sell or donate.

Anyway...   just a peek into the stress I keep talking about. Stress? obsession? Cyclical thinking? A life NEAR motion? Cusping on the brink of something... (328lbs, maybe?)   Nearing the beginning of the next book of Nanette's life series... I've always hated how slowly books end. But that much closer to the next exposition, the beauty of a new life made!

done. must be done.

Big Fat Cusping Love,
Nanette

P.S. Dad's doing a lot better. they've got him in an inpatient Physical Therapy place. He's getting a lot of work done... sitting, rolling, wheel chair transfer from bed, wheel chair transfer to toilet, sitting for longer periods of time. He's still on a LOT of pain killers and he says he's very sore and that they work him beyond what he can do. (which means they're doing they're job). I hope he doesn't give up or get belligerent - he's off the hardcore opiates, so his filter should be back to functioning.

dunn da-da dunnnn!!!

Writing to you from the fixed laptop!

I weighed in again today. Thursday is usually my CDCC check in number. Again, with the 329.

I got a couple compliments from people in class today saying that I'm looking good. But I'm not feeling anything fitting differently. Motivation is a real kicker right now. I've been so mad at this 329... I've tried eating lots to see if it will move... it doesn't even GO UP. It just sits at 329.

In assessing what's been different in the last 3-4 weeks. It's cold. I'm stressed (finals approach). I'm solidly in a routine of 1900 calories a day, 5-7 workouts a week. I eat warm food. I want to sleep all the time.

New goals. Since the old ones don't seem to be working. 
- More FRESH veggies/fiber.
- More water.
- Change the non-class workout from bike to elliptical. Change the weights from upperbody to lower. Change the swimming from laps to strength training.
- Build more fat burning muscle so even if that damn number isn't going to go down, my body will be reshaping.

CDCC

last week's check in was 339... still maintaining.

I'm sure this week is a gain. But I won't know until swim class on tuesday.

My laptop is still down. More when I get it back. :(

Nanette

P.S. Dad had his second back surgery. He's in a full time rehabilitation facility and doing much better... but it's going to be a very long time until he walks again. They're working on having him sit for longer amounts of time. He's up to 20 minutes. Soon he'll be doing transfers from bed to wheelchair to toilet and etc.

EDIT: This week 329 AGAIN! - at least it's not a gain after the holiday.

Technical Difficulties

Due to technical difficulties this blog is brought to you late...

AND I still owe you a weigh in. I'm going swimming at 4 o'clock so I'll be able to get that finally.

I've been eating okay. Staying under my caloric limit, but not eating the healthiest of things and not with the healthiest of timing this last week. But it's finally Thanksgiving Break! I can sit back and relax and catch up on everything stressing me out as far as school goes and not let that get in the way anymore.

I refuse to sleep in over the break... I can't get into that habit. That's how this person misses dance class and everything else! UGH!

I'm sad, my laptop backlight has shorted out. Everything is still functioning... Hopefully I can get that fixed when I'm closer to Salt Lake this week.

My dad is having more health difficulties. He woke up and couldn't feel or move his legs this last week and got himself to the ER in town, they couldn't do the x-rays he needed, so he went to Logan, they did the x-rays but don't have the specialists that they need, so he wound up in OGDEN... (2 hours from where he lives). They did an emergency back surgery to correct a pinched nerve and put some supports between his lumbar vertebrae. He's still having some issues and a LOT of pain. So he's back into surgery today... I guess they're trying to widen the holes that the nerves go through so they don't catch. However, this could also be nerve death happening. Which is scary.

It's a whole bunch of muddy feelings. I mean, I'm glad he's finally getting this looked at and taken care of. I hope he feels better. I also suspect that this is the beginning of a long road of declining health, which is terrible. But I suppose I'd best prepare myself for the hardest truth and celebrate when I'm wrong? Something like that. He's 68 and spent most of his life above the 400lb mark. With his foot injury from last year and the massive infections, he hasn't been out of a wheel chair and back to normal functions for over a year now. The antibiotics have killed his digestive system. And he might be getting a little worn out as far as fighting to get better goes. Though he's incredibly optimistic when he's doped up and not feeling pain. That's probably a feeling he's gotten used to for so many years, being in pain.

I dunno... but as long as praying is happening out there... maybe shoot some his way?

Big Fat Thanksgiving in a Hospital Love,
Nanette

Something to think about...

BEWARE OF PROCESSED FOODS THIS THANKSGIVING! you have no idea what kind of work they've had done!

CDCC #10

Weigh in: 329 (-0)
Water: over 100 oz 4/7
Food: veggies every day! under caloric limit (shifts when I work out) 4/7
Workout: 6/7 missed a swim class.
10 week total: - 14lbs (one lb till pedicure!)

Maintaining again. Which is frustrating. I've lost three weeks of possible negative numbers fighting (or rather giving in to) my hibernation urges.

Normally I weigh in twice a week before swim class. It's consistent. Swimsuit, same scale, same time of day. Tuesday, I was actually up to 334... then yesterday when I went for the swim I owed myself, I was back to 329. Ultimately, it's maintenance. But I'm feeling really good about being able to bring that number BACK after crazy eating last weekend.

Here's a shout out to Jillian! Sorry I couldn't see a negative number with you this week. But I'll race you on this next one. :)


Before and After pics!  I'm really appreciating the narrower waist.

I put on a dressy tank top that was just too snug the last time I tried it on. It's better now... but not entirely. Here's going for christmas!

Sept 14

Nov 11

I'm trying to come up with a game plan for Thanksgiving. We're not crazy foodies at my house so there will probably be a lot of boxed/pre-made food going around the table. I need to come up with a healthy contribution. It's exciting to go home though. Mom has a drier and apple core/slicer thingy. Gonna make me some dehydrated apples, bananas and blueberries. My produce costs are going up and it sucks to have fruits go to waste... hopefully this will make it easier to make better decisions.


Big fat maintaining love,
Nanette

Another weeeeeeek

Well...   it's been sort of a crazy week.

Broke up with J for some poor behavior.
Got a UTI.
Treated a UTI.
Got Blood test results back.

So here's the up and up. I'm feeling pretty good that my efforts are reflected in my blood work. I kind of wish I'd gotten it done earlier so I could have something to compare it to.

HDL: 38 (low, should be over 50)
LDL: 77 (low, should be between 100-150)
Cholesterol average thingy: 3.5 (PERFECT).
Blood sugar: 99 (anything below 100 for my age is good).

Doc says clean bill of health. Keep going. Keep losing.

Like everyone else, near season change, I'm having a hard time remembering what I want and staying motivated by what I've done. The fight against hibernation is DIFFICULT.

Issues I'm trying to address

Sleeping - I'm sleeping too much. I slept through my alarm clock this morning and missed a work out. Unacceptable. It drains the energy I do have. So, no more naps in the afternoon. Stick with your 6-7 hours. Reset the habit.

Water - UTI came on from being too dehydrated. My body has gotten used to the high levels of water and when I don't keep it consistent, it revolts.

School work - It's too easy to skip class, not do assignments and not pay attention. This, I hate to say, has been priority number one for the last week and will be until Thanksgiving break. I HAVE TO GRADUATE.

Finances - It's time to re-assess and get NYC savings fund back in shape, alter my monthly budget and stop buying crap I don't need.

FOOD - This is the same as finances. It needs planning. I need a revamp. I'm excited to clear out my cupboards over the vacation and re-organize my kitchen into a place where I feel inspired to create things. I've been eating too little on some days - like starvation mode too little, Only to OVERLOAD on calories on other days. I usually make menus on the weekend. I've fallen behind.

Workouts - It's cold, in case that slipped by other Northern US readers. I am car-less. Which is great if I need to get somewhere, as it forces exercise. But at this point, I would KILL to be able to drive to the gym, heck, I'd even work out LONGER to make up for not walking in frigid air. It's kicking my motivation's ass just to get out the door.

Basically, all the good habits I've worked so hard for since July have disappeared... slowly. By letting myself skip something once. twice. three times. Oh well. I haven't been good to my body for two weeks and I'm mad at me for it. You are what you eat. I'm a whole lot of saturated fat and salt.

On the plus side, the break up was... inspirational. My goals are within reach. Some of the garbage-y bits had been holding me back (encouraging bad eating behavior). It's funny. This thing only lasted a month but I already feel like I'm free again. Back to Nanette Normal. NYC normal. Lifestyle change normal. It's one less thing on the plate of life that I have to worry about. Sheesh, what I'll put up with for a little affection. I disappoint myself.

Big Fat Fresh Start Love,
Nanette

CDCC #9

Weigh in: 329 (-0)
Water: 4/7 over 100 oz.
Food: 4/7 under 1500 calories
Workouts: 4/6 - two cancelled classes.

Feeling good. Feeling really good. Had another weekend with J. We did a lot more cooking together. That way I know what kind of calories I'm consuming and so I can show off my domestic skills.

now... off to piles of homework. More later.

Big Fat Maintaining Love,
Nanette

Indecision

When faced with a choice in the moment, I'm the kind of person who finds the quickest, easiest route. I know I have to make decisions for myself before hand in order to like what I'm doing and to make hard things easier. Like I commit to 7 work outs a week. I commit to 1900 calories a day.

1900 calories can be a lot of garbage. 1900 calories can be a LOT of veggies. 1900 calories can sometimes not feel like enough.

Halloween came and went just fine. The birthday was much harder. This last weekend, EVERYONE wanted to take me out for dinner/lunch/FOOD. Not because they see piggy fat Nanette and think she only likes food, but because food is associated so closely with socializing and good conversations. Think about it. When else are you sitting directly across from someone for an hour with nothing else to distract you (phone, TV, computer)? I did pretty well to avoid the crap traps like fried foods. However, I'm still feeling a little guilt about not knowing how half the stuff is prepared and definitely eating more than just a single portion in a sitting.

Things like this just make daily eating harder. It makes it easy to get out of the habit of cooking meals, doing dishes, remembering to shop, not letting the produce in your fridge go to rot. It changes the cravings. It's a literal board game and when you draw the "give in" card you must go back 3 spaces. 3 spaces away from the healthy haven... back to the craving caves.

I had a good conversation with my friend Holly last week sometime though. When we spend time together she sometimes feels bad about herself. She's overweight. She sees that I'm doing something. She wants to do stuff to lose and feel good too. She said she feels short motivation, but nothing lasting. I invited her to go to my gym, she's alumni, she can get a university pass. She's paying for a gym elsewhere already though. We discussed it for a while and she didn't commit to a time or date. Her brother recently lost 100lbs last year.

"Formerly fat people have a different view of fun." Says Holly.
"What do you mean? Like they have less? Or they're living life with new enthusiasm?"
"No... It's just, they turn out more intense."
"Intense about what? Intense emotionally? Physically?"
"They get less nice."
"Have I gotten less nice?"
"No, but you've always been kinda sassy."
"Oh God, maybe that means I'll turn into a super bitch."

Then we laughed about it. But I know this is a serious concern. It's something I thought for a very long time. I've watched a lot of my friends lose weight. They talk about food and guilt and exercise and healthy alternatives ALL THE TIME. They're hungry and the tempers are shorter. They get more aggressive in social and romantic situations. Eventually they become skinny people and lose some of what made them THEM.

I say "they" because I'm trying to fight being one. One of my big fears that surfaced over some of these fat years is that I'm afraid to become meaner, or less funny, or less nice. I'd love to say it's unfounded. But it's not. Dad did it. Trent did it. Chris did it. Mandi did it. Crystal did it. etc etc. Body chemistry changes. How you feel about yourself and your body changes. BEHAVIORS change.

I'm starting to understand from the other end though. I talk about food and guilt and exercise all the time because I HAVE TO. It is in the forefront of my mind. I concentrate on it constantly because I HAVE TO in order to reach my goal. I hope to be on a road to making healthy choices a habit. But until that happens I have to obsess.

I see my temper fuse shorten. EVEN SHORTER THAN IT ALREADY IS. I've taken to just disappearing into my classes, school work, visual journaling... because I know I need time for my body to adjust to the new levels of food and activity. I also need time to remaster my ability to keep myself under control.

I've been more aggressive in social situations. I don't think it's been out of character though. It's my 7th year of school and I am grumpy about that as well as chemical and weight shifting.

I've been more aggressive in romantic situations...   and that's NOT bad. ;)

The definition of fun is changing for me. Dancing is fun. Moving is fun. Going on a walk/bike ride is fun. Eating is still fun, but there's more to life than sitting. There are more ways to share our time than sitting and consuming. 

Maybe I can help Holly see it. Maybe I can put this into words. Maybe it will take time for her to reach her own conclusions about health. I can't make decisions for her. It's just hard to see her want something and not be able to provide, give, or buy it for her.

I'm certainly no Muhammad of weight loss. It's coming off and staying off (If I have any say about it). It would be really nice to help another person along with their goal though. I've had so much help with my own. She deserves that too.

Big Fat Friendly Love,
Nanette

CDCC #8

Weight: 329 (-3)
Water: 4/7 100oz
Food: under 1900 6/7
Exercise: 3/7

I'm really surprised to see that much lower of a number when I haven't been able to exercise as much. But I've been very particular about food this week. It's a lovely surprise.

Ever?

Ever have those moments when you catch yourself reacting to your imagination/thoughts? And you realize how deep you were in your head? I just caught myself grinning like a fool while staring at my desk phone having an imaginary conversation with J. Dumb. heh.

Feeling much better. The tonsils are slowly returning to normal... very slowly. But I've got another 4 days of antibiotics. I'm so glad that I don't have to take time off from everything. Plus side, breathing & swallowing. Down side, these things are kind of mean to your tummy, pooper and girly parts.

I skipped swimming because of the girlie parts bit and told myself I'd catch up on exercise with my dance class. Dance class was canceled. So now I owe myself DOUBLE. ugh. I'm slowly trying to get back into the hardcore 7x a week workouts. The sick thing has knocked me out. Take the wind from my sails, swallowed it and farted it back in my face.

On the other hand, I've been very good with food this week. I'm back to solid foods. I can eat! AND I found this little health store here that sells lots of gluten free and happiness. Ice cream that won't beat you over the head with sugar and calories. Bread that doesn't weigh you down. Pre-homemade and vacuum packed potato crusted fish fillets - different sorts, homemade gluten free pastas, low calorie, low sugar, low fat snacks and meal fix-ins made from organic ingredients. It's like the willy wonka of health food.

Big Fat Feeling Better Love,
Nanette
p.s terrified of the weigh in on Thursday. eating well, but less movement = probably not good.

p. p. s. Had someone who hasn't seen me since July tell me that I'm looking really great and that it's apparent that I'm losing weight. YAY! VALIDATION!

CDCC #7

BAD week.

Weigh in: 332 (+1)
Work outs: 2/7
Food: under 1900 calories 3/7
Book: no further.

Doctors visits: 3. I've got an awesome tonsil infection. We're throwing around the word surgery. But nothing is official yet. I'm kinda terrified because I don't know what it'll do to my voice - since that's the chosen area of study and what not. On the plus side, I had them pull blood for the standard health examination. Diabetes, thyroid, cholesterol, lipids, etc. It's the first time I've dared see the results.

In the meanwhile, I'm mainly on liquids - yes, I managed to go over calorie limit while just on liquids yesterday. Gotta calm down on the juices. More water and tea.

Things are calming down a little. Swallowing and breathing are getting easier. Post nasal drip has calmed down. I'm going swimming tomorrow. I've given myself 3 days of down time. I'm going CRAZY staying in all this time.

Big Fat Sicky Love,
Nanette

Follower...

There's a theme today. It's trigger food and taking "breaks." I am severely regretting not counting calories this weekend. With the new boy saying "stay fat," I've enlisted another friend in the fat fight. Brittany is my cohort in dining. We go out and try to help each other get healthy items. We know that we're watching what one another eats. Last night we made pact to not spend any money on going out for the week. ENTIRE WEEK. Wednesday to Wednesday. We will only cook.

Eating out kills me. I know I will only have good food in my house because it's been shit proofed. There's no sugar, no white flour, no ingredients I can't pronounce...   (at least, now that I've figured out how to say quinoa {keen-wa}). I sat down with my notebook and roughly planned out the week's food, and roughly planned out the groceries.

J texted today and told me he was out for lunch at a burger joint we'd visited. I was eating apple slices with peanut butter and yellow squash. It was a great realization... He's enjoying his food. I would be enjoying that too. However, I'm really enjoying what I have in front of me as well... AND I'm getting nutrition. Because, while this whole thing is about a smaller number on the scale, it's about health. NUTRITION.

I'm trying to understand how to remotivate myself. Because after giving in, I'm feeling like I have to start over. I know I can do it... I need to get my brain and body wanting the same things again though. NUTRITION may be the key this time. Dear other diet friend, Trent, is always asking "how much of the rainbow did you eat today?" I love that he's so supportive and helpful that way. Today I got the yellows, greens, reds and a LITTLE bit of purple/blue. Tomorrow I look forward to seeing what other colors I can eat.

Re-focused, re-centered, ready to eat a rainbow.

Big Fat Love,
Nanette

The expansion...

Okay... well, I did really well last week with food and exercise and then the weekend happened. I let loose and for the first time since the challenge began missed 2 days of calorie counting. I had a burger one day, pizza another - again, a social situation. Both were on dates with a fine young gentleman. Even worse, in addition to the bad food choices, I had to skip dance class to go on a field trip for my voice ped class.

It was nice to take a step back. Though bad decisions were made, I can feel the affect on my body. And from that I can learn. I could see my body retaining water. I could feel my slowness and grogginess hitting. I had a coffee with him one morning too... first time I've had coffee/caffeine of any sort since May. I got anxious, sweaty and hit a terrible tiring crash MID-DATE! Horrible. I'm ready to return to my good habits... and a reliable internet connection so I can log into myfitnesspal.

The date was interesting... We shall call him J. J likes big women. J knows I'm working on becoming less of a big woman. J doesn't like it. I told him tough shit. I'm not losing weight to be twiggy or attractive. I know I'm attractive at this size. I'm losing weight to keep from getting diabetes or at least postpone as long as possible. I'm trying not to die of heart disease. I'm trying not to have to replace my knees/ankles/joints. I'm trying not to suffer from arthritis or wear away cartilage. He understands I do it for health. But he wanted me to understand that he thinks I'm attractive right now. I'm sad he finds it difficult to get behind my decision. I'm not changing my mind. He also second guesses my NYC plans. Again, I'm not changing my mind. Before we all jump on the "you need a man that supports your decisions and will stand beside you always" speech....   I'm moving. This might be short lived. I like him in EVERY other aspect. It's nice to feel sexy as is right now. I can have that and be moving down the scale. He knows that I'm not going to stop. I'm like that. Bullheaded, goal-oriented and determined to get exactly what I want.

So J might be a reoccurring theme. Yes. It is going to be very hard to lose weight with an active participator against it. Yes. He knows this is going to be a subject of oft butting heads. Yes. This might be a good thing too, to have someone to push against. I'm a naturally contrary person. Maybe I can work it in my favor. In the meanwhile, it's nice to be dating. It's nice to have romance and affection. Connecting with a significant other, while only slightly different than a best best best friend, is still an important connection to have. Again, save the "strong independent women don't need men to validate them" speech.

I am a strong independent woman. He's a strong independent man. And I like that I found an equal when it comes to arguing. heh.

Big Fat Newly Involved Love,
Nanette

P.s. Midterms went well...   Grades are passed out this week.
P.p.s.  Goals...
- Drink 100 oz of water a day.
- Eat carefully, under 1900 a day.
- Get 7 hrs of exercise in.
- Get to the halfway point with Skinny Bitch.
- Budget better. For reals.

CDCC #6

weigh in!!!!  

bigger blog this weekend

Weigh in: 331 (-2)
water: 100 oz 3/7 days.
food: under 1900 5/7
book: Skinny Bitch... no further...   it's been midterms.

Big fat love,
Nanette

Trying things on...

So I pulled a dress out of my closet that I haven't fit into since high school. It's a size 20. I'm a size 28... still, at least I think I'm a size 28 still. Maybe 26? Anyway...   I tried it on. I remember it making me uncomfortable in high school because I was a 22 and I COULD NEVER fit into a size 20. Well... here's size 28 me, squeezing into and man, did it make me laugh. However, this is an improvement. I couldn't get it over my big ol' belly last time. I'm hoping that I can wear this by the time I get to NY. It's my PCDCC - post Christmas dress countdown challenge. Thank God for stretchy fabric!

 Since I'm so large, it's hard for me to see or feel my progress. I've borrowed a few ideas from fellow bloggers and other partners in weightloss.

One of them is a pair of glasses. I've measured out how much weight I would have to lose to get to 210 - my goal for now. Whenever I lose a pound, I get to take from the fat glass and put it into the skinny glass. I'd probably have a better perspective of the weightloss if they were the same shape. But I like that the coke class has more of a waist. Like me. :)



The other method I'm using came from one of the fellow CDCC-ers, Jillian.  P.s. her blog is super amazing, so funny, insightful and young. Shout out! :) Anyway... I'm the queen of office supplies. I've got a plastic tote full of super stick post-it notes. Since the NY move is coming up, what better way to use them. Each post it represents a pound...   Which I personally choose to have written in BIG BOLD BLACK NUMBERS. It keeps me honest and super humble whenever I have company as I live in a studio. It's visible from every angle in the apartment.

This week I took off the last two lbs of the 4th row and decided I needed to get more of those babies posted. I'm so excited to have those orange ones disappear. When I'm out of the orange I'll have lost 62 lbs. I kinda wish I'd planned it better so that would be a significant and lovely round number. But alas, this is the way of my people. I am 14 lbs away from a 50lb loss! Just keep swimming!!!

 I was also having a lot of fun with photo booth on my macbook before heading to class and work today.




In other news, I've been working really hard at my Music Clerk job - aka program master of the universe. I'm making programs for a high school invitational that I've run the last couple of years. This year, I handed it over to the new choir president. I'm not a mother. But the invitational is my baby. And this new president is proving himself less than capable. It's killing me - I know, hyperbolic. I want it to run well. It's the biggest community choral outreach we have as a university. It represents the music department and our students at the university level. We bring in a reputable guest conductor and he puts these 300-500 high schoolers together into a mass choir. It's a great unifying experience having that many people working for the same goal. I had the university choir director call and ask me questions today. Details. Loose ends. It's SO NICE TO BE MISSED. It makes me feel so capable.

Big Fat Accomplished Love,
Nanette

Ants in pants...

It was a very bad idea to start looking at housing in NY this early.

There are some serious ants in the pants right now.

Big Fat Anxious Love,
Nanette

p.s. down another 2 lbs. 331!

Body aches and the I-don't-wannas

It's cold outside. Just in case you didn't notice. My body wants hibernation mode. Sleep. Warmth. I do NOT want to have a week of midterms right now.

However, I got my lazy butt to the gym. My muscles complained the whole way there "It's too cold to be walking!" I've been so stiff lately! Despite all the stretching I'm doing. It must be the weather. But see, here's the deal, body. You're going to go and do stuff and you're going to get colder. Because you're going to lose your natural fat-coat/snowsuit. Eventually you'll acclimatize and start wearing freaking layers.

Because... remember... 
- fitting into the CDCC dress
- going to NY on a plane
     - where you fit in the seats
     - where you can shop at the plus size stores (or smaller)
     - where you can audition and not be rejected based on size.
     - where you have the opportunity to meet and date new people.
- you feel better when you move.
- when you exercise you can have the weekend piece of pizza with friends and not fall off the food wagon.
- you said you'd replace music obsession with health obsession and it's important to keep promises, ESPECIALLY TO YOURSELF.
- if you keep it up you can lose 50lbs reasonably by the end of the semester!

and... 

- getting good grades and passing your classes means graduation.
- Getting away from THIS place.
- Moving on to grown up land.
- starting life after college.
- jump through hoops = get degree.
- degree = better job opportunities in NY.

So frankly dear, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. Keep moving. Keep going. Keep studying. Keep trying.

Big Fat Tough Love,
Nanette

CDCC #5

Weight: 333lbs (-3) total: 35
Water: 5/7 days above 100oz.
Food: 6/7 under 1900 calories.
Book: FINALLY arrived. Skinny Bitch. It seems a bit extreme in a lot of view points but it's really made me aware of how many chemicals we ingest. I'm about 1/4 the way done with it.

Big Hitters 

- Just like a human, what's consumed by a chicken about to hatch an egg, is passed on through the mother to the baby/egg. We ingest whatever medications and hormones that they've received. In order to avoid it, try buying local at a farmer's market where at private farms they're less likely to use hormones and antibiotics.

- The antibiotics we consume in food affect our reaction to antibiotics when given as a prescription, contributing to your drug resistance.

- Aspartame, as it's broken down, turns into formaldehyde in the body. There are Aspartame Support groups and class action lawsuits happening right now because of the severe negative health effects. (again, sorta extreme, but the formaldehyde thing freaked me out).

- Ph levels in the body fluctuate. The goal is to have a more basal than acidic body. Dairy products and sugars raise the PH level. Cancers thrive in highly acidic environments.

More before and after photos....

September 14

October 8

As I may have been unclear...

Miss April asked some very good questions on my check in blog. I guess my goals have been very broad - I'm a firm believer in brevity as details are usually less than riveting.

Goal 1: Cook at least once a day and DO THE FREAKING DISHES. 
This is my effort to reduce eating out. I don't particularly care for cooking but if I can find quick HEALTHY recipes, I'm more inclined to keep my food money spent at home and my calories more accountable.

Goal 2: Do a Vegan Day.
The vegan day is just a break from cooking and cleaning up after it. Plus it is one more day that I'm not ingesting animal products. I like to try and make it a weekend day since I'm most prone to over-eating on Saturdays and Sundays. I also use it as a reminder of how many cooked and processed items I still eat. Since my juice fast, I realize that I can say no to food entirely. I don't need food I need nutrients and a vegan day is just a little flexing of that willpower muscle... I choose not to do long stints because it leads to binging. I choose to be consistently good about diet and food intake. Sometimes it's nice to mix it up with a brief and healthy "challenge."

I don't do it to clean up my diet. My diet is pretty good.
- No alcohol since may.
- No soda for about 1 year now.
- No white sugars, corn syrup (hydrogenated or not) or sugar substitutes since August.
- No white breads/enriched flour since August.

I'm slowly weaning things I shouldn't consume out of my diet. Next is a lot of my meat products that can be replaced by tofu, tempeh and other vegan/vegetarian alternatives. I'm finding foods that I love that are healthy. I'm replacing a cheeseburger with a serving of cottage cheese. I'm replacing chips with cucumber slices. I'm replacing snickers with clif Z-bars. I'm making menus so I don't have to make decisions on the fly and so I can make educated and well planned trips to the grocery store. (each trip = an opportunity to buy crappy food).

Goal 3: Bedtime at 12:00a.m. 
A stressed body is one that's more resistant to give up pounds. I usually work until 10pm every night and I'm up by 7:00 - 7:30 every day to get to classes or the gym on time. Again this is a bedtime happening in increments. With school starting I've been up progressively later and later in efforts to get every thing done (homework, socializing, cleaning my studio). I've found myself going to bed at 12 and not being able to drift off until 1. - dang this exercising thing giving me so much energy! heh.


Goal 4: Stay on top of piles and piles of homework.
I'm taking some pretty time intensive classes, Voice Pedagogy, Form and Analysis (symphonic scores), Diction for Singers, Creative Writing, Dance Basics and Aquacise. And working 40 hours a week between my 3 jobs. I'm trying to find the time to make sure that everything is taken care of. Again, it's about reducing stress and trying to stay happy and motivated to keep moving.  When I get overwhelmed and behind, I take it out on myself in food and work out cancellations. I will not give myself those excuses. I will keep my crap together. I've done well so far with this... but I can feel that stress creeping up on me and I'm trying to stay ahead of the curve.


Goal 5: Get 7 hours of Gym Time in.
Exercise is structured in that I have 4 hours of work out classes in my academic schedule and 2 hours with a trainer/friend. It looks like this...

Monday - 45 min cardio; 15 min strength training
Tuesday - 60 min swimming/high activity cardio; 15 min stretching, 20 min pilates/yoga, 20 min tap/ballet/jazz/modern.
Wednesday - {free} Just walking to class and work approximately 1 hour/2-3 miles a day. I don't count it as exercise because it's part of my normal daily activity.
Thursday - 60 min swimming/high activity cardio; 15 min stretching, 40 min floor routines
Friday - 45 min cardio; 30 min strength training.

Total:  6 hours

It just means I have to find one more hour by myself somewhere in the middle (usually saturday mornings or Sunday nights). This is motivated by the fact I'm not in choirs this semester. With that stress being gone, I'm choosing to put as much time in the gym per week as I did between my two choir classes. I've spent 6 years obsessing about my music and letting my body go by the wayside. This year I put my body first.

A one pound loss... is still a loss. I would rather lose small amounts every week than go crashing down 5 or more lbs a week only to gain it back when my body revolts. It's also a Pre-period week. I'm surprised I've lost anything with the water I've been retaining. I can see it in my ankles and in my hands.

Plus really, I don't think this is about how fast can I drop the weight. It's about retraining myself to accept a healthier lifestyle. The numbers are motivating. But I refuse to let them be anything else. I would rather find myself craving vegetables and wanting a long walk than see a -3lb mark on the scale. It's about how I feel. My body feels great. My feet hold out longer when standing and walking. My back doesn't give me problems much anymore. I'm finding more "core" strength. My energy levels are high. I don't know how I would be surviving this semester if it weren't for the additional energy and focus.

I'm feeling pretty good about things. I'm exhausted from stress. I know I should be doing better scholastically and that seriously puts a damper on my mood and motiviation for the week. But I'm trying to keep that snarky, bitchy part of myself quiet - the part that walks out of classes when teachers are egotistical and infuriating. I'm finding myself very short tempered these days. But I guess that's the symptom of a body in transition.

Down 32lbs since July and counting.
Big fat love,
Nanette

CDCC 4

Weigh in: 336 (-1).
Water: over 100 oz a day.
Food: ugh. bad. bad. bad. need more produce.
Exercise: 5 hours cardio 1 hr strength training and a bajillion hours walking to and from campus, work and home.
Book: STILL hasn't arrived. But my new cook book did! The Skinny Bitch Ultimate Every Day Cookbook.

I'm very impressed as I have eaten a bunch of garbage this week. I'm still battling period symptoms like I've never experienced. I'm retaining water like a camel. I finished my workout this morning and my fingers had swollen so much I couldn't get my rings off.

So in order to get a game plan together for a more successful week, I'm making a menu this week. Then going shopping tomorrow for JUST THE THINGS I NEED. There's an excess of random ingredients floating around my kitchen just going to waste right now.

Goals:
- Cook at least once a day (and DO THE FREAKING DISHES).
- Do a vegan day.
- Go to bed by 12:00am every night.
- Stay on top of my piles and piles of homework.
- Get 7 hrs of gym time in.

Big Fat Love, Nanette

A Serious Case...

Let's just make this clear. I'm not the girl who cries and has mood swings as part of my PMS. I'm the girl who wants to eat the entire planet. I have been ravenous both today and yesterday. I'm doing what I can to keep in check. I'm staying under my caloric limit, but I've definitely gone over the recommended fat intake. It's the salt that I must RUN from.

However, since I'm trying not to eat the world, I have turned into a hungry BEAR. I've been so ornery and tired. I have socially isolated myself in efforts to not hurt other's feelings and to prevent my own SEVERE annoyance. I'm so confused. Normally I don't have PMS. Normally I handle it well. This is the first instance of hungry bear since I started losing weight in July. Thank the up aboves for birth control. At least I know when to avoid people. 

I weighed in again before swim yesterday. I'm down to 336. Down one more pound. I'm expecting gain Friday for my CDCC weigh in. I would SO love to be wrong.

Until then... I will not be a bitch. I will not be a bitch. I will not be a bitch...

Big Fat Hungry Bear Love,
Nanette

A Big Thanks!

You guys have been super awesome! It's great to have a supportive network and team that wants to see numbers and hear about improvement. Sometimes it's not what people want to hear about in the day to day as it might come off self-righteous or condescending. It's good to have a place where I can just say all those things that I obsess about as far as body is concerned. I'm feeling really good about the weight loss itself. But it's great to be able to see it in photos and in my life. I'm so glad that Amber helped me find this challenge. Thank you for helping me this far, everyone!

Exercising is getting easier. I spend less time sore. I spend more time motivated and energetic. This week I'm adding another work out and adding 10 minutes to the Mon. Fri. cardio.

Eating healthy is getting easier. I have less crappy food in my apartment. I eat less because I'm more full when I eat the lettuces, carrots, cucumbers, broccoli and other fresh veggies. It's easier to cut out garbage when I can pre-cook things and get ready for the week. Planning has been essential in making positive food choices. When I make a bad food decision, intentionally or not, they are one decision. I can work out. I can make a better choice next time instead of giving up.

Seems ridiculous that it's taken me 24 years to realize that it's not about being hard or hungry or working out until you cry. It's about consistency. I'm hoping that consistency will allow me to kick up my metabolism so when bad food decisions are made, they don't hit as hard.

I'm feeling good.
Big Fat Love,
Nanette

Photos... 11 days.

These photos show the progress from September 14 - September 25. 11 Days.

I wish I had taken measurements. Particularly around my thighs and arms.

I notice it most in upper belly/underbust and in my legs. I want to see more progress in my arms and belly. This is very encouraging to me.

Big Fat Love, Nanette

CDCC 3

Weigh in: 337lbs ( - 4lbs)
Water: below 100 oz per day.
Diet: mostly vegetarian - was wary about sodium.
Exercise: 7.5 hours
Book: Still in the mail... might be applying for a refund from Amazon.

It's been a good and exhausting week. I hope I can keep this kind of loss up. I'm meeting someone new (potentially romantic) over Thanksgiving and I would like to introduce less of myself.

 

Big Fat Love, Nanette

Overkill...

*BEWARE: following blog may contain whining*

My body hurts. My WHOLE body hurts.

50 minute swim class - Make body into and "L" shape. Like you're sitting in the water. Use just your arms swim 6 laps. Use just your legs. 6 laps. Curve your shoulders closer to your hips keep your legs parallel with the bottom of the pool. It was like 50 minutes of intense toilet bowl sitting while kicking your legs.

15 minute trek up the university campus hill for dance class. Includes 5 sets of 10 stairs.

40 minute dance class. Yoga. stretching. Plies, releves, tendus, degages, piques. AKA leg, ankle, foot HELL. 

75 minute Feldenkrais Method (ATM) session. Laying on the floor. Pelvic thrusting with periodic stops. Retraining your muscles to align properly and reawakening nerves and awareness...  kinda fru-fru. But harder than you'd think... undoing all the bad ways you move your body. The Spine hip relationship specifically in our class. (seriously... lay on your back. feet flat, knees pointing up, right elbow pointing toward the ceiling, fingers under shoulder. Left hand pushing elbow back gently. Try and lift the right hip (just the right hip) and press with the right hand at the same time, try it fast, try it slow, try it high and lower. concentrate on the sensations).

And tomorrow morning is an hour in the gym. AN HOUR. ON THE BIKES. with this body that's already stiffening. Guess it's time to eat some potassium (bananas, plums, prunes, raw potato), drink extra water and take an ibuprofen or two.

Big Fat Tired Love,
Nanette

The Tuesday Weigh In

AAAANNNNND.....   BAM!

Down to 337. (-3) from last Tuesday and (-5) from last Thursday.

I made a call to Dad today to let him know. He didn't know that I've been trying to lose weight. But he's very happy. 

Big Fat Love,
Nanette

Self Esteem...

Soooooo....I'm taking this creative writing class. The first week of class one for one of the in class writing exercises we were told to write a big, enveloping topic at the top of our paper. Something we could write a lot about. I chose Insecurity. Then she asked us to pass our paper five people to the left. The paper passed to me had Obesity written across the top. I was curious who was interested and counted over five people to the right. She wouldn't make eye contact with me. She STILL won't make eye contact with me. She literally turns her head each time I squeeze into my desk. She smirks and sort of snickers to herself whenever the teacher uses the word "fat." 

Last week, I was walking to class and saw her chowing down on a McDonald's hamburger and smoking her cigarette. It sort of sealed her fate. Part of the class is workshopping a piece: includes reading paper out loud, receiving critique and then working with it or not. You bet that every piece I write this semester will have some sort of fat theme. 

Yesterday, after reading one of my essays, a friend thought I might need counseling. I'm there. I've been in counseling. This isn't a violent reaction to my surroundings. I'm not an overly negative person. I'm a realist. In that way I can say "I'm fat." This is not a negative thing. It is an honest thing. I'm not afraid to say, "I am fat." I am a lot of things: funny, well spoken, active, fat, overly critical, smart, employed, creative, organized, a redhead, young, a college student, a singer. These are just parts of me. They do not define me. PERSON. I am a person. THAT defines me. 

I've spent long enough feeling sub-par because I'm overweight, obese, morbidly obese. I've spent long enough thinking that with each pound I lose I would gradually lose my wit, or my intelligence, or my kindness. I let it define me for the majority of my life. Now I certainly will not let juvenile behavior make me ashamed of the way I look. I've come very far in the last two years (my heaviest and my re-dedication to health). The locker room no longer scares me. Changing backstage does not scare me. Walking around my house naked does not scare me. People looking at me in awe at my size or whispering to one another does not intimidate me. I can look at myself in the mirror and see how beautiful I am and it has NOTHING to do with lumps and bumps and pounds. I bear my weight battle scars proudly. 

This is not a mantra. This isn't what I tell myself everyday. There are days when I struggle to feel sexy. But that is not the struggle of just a fat person. That is the struggle of a person. There are days when I feel like I've eaten crap and I feel regret that I treated my body that way. Days when I wear myself ragged trying to reduce my size. Days when I've given the last that I have to give and still not losing that 2lbs a week. That doesn't mean I hate myself. That doesn't mean I've given up on life. That doesn't mean I DON'T HAVE SELF-ESTEEM. It means that life is tough. For me. For you. For everyone. 

Feeling negative things (regret, guilt, etc) is motivation for me. It's like algebra...
If I put garbage in my body, 

Then I feel {insert negative emotion}. 

{Food for Thought} 

Behavioral Conditioning - n. Psychology 

A process of behavior modification in which the likelihood of a specific behavior is increased or decreased through positive or negative reinforcement each time the behavior is exhibited, so that the subject comes to associate the pleasure or displeasure of the reinforcement with the behavior.

There is no "I'll do better tomorrow." There is "I'll do better next time I decide to put something in my mouth." I don't have to wait until tomorrow to make healthy decisions. I can make them every time I decide to eat, not eat, or move.

So please...   realize. I do like myself. These negative things I say aren't to tear myself down. They are just honest. We need to recognize negative in order to make positive change and greater our understand of where our negativity comes from. 

Big FAT Love, 

Nanette